Glimpses

Aaron pulled back. Andrew could see the lust in his eyes. How did everyone, including Aaron, have blue eyes except for him? Even Andrew's sister had blue eyes. Aren't these things supposed to be genetic? What had he learned about in biology? Punnet Squares. That's what. Why had the Punnet Squares failed him? Honestly, it was like he was the only person he knew with –

Oh, fuck. Aaron was nibbling at his neck. Andrew was squirming.

"Aaron..." He moaned it. MOANED it. This was getting pathetic.

"Hey, you wanna come over for a little or something?" Aaron said, his thumb tracing the line of Andrew's jaw.

Suddenly Andrew felt cornered again. And then stupid. Stupid for feeling cornered. This is what people do, Andrew. They date and kiss and fuck. You can't sit around being celibate for your whole life just because you got one bad hand dealt to you. Andrew still didn't want to seem too easy, though.

He leaned his head against one of Aaron's arms, which were on either side of him, pinning him to the car, and tried to say something flirtatious.

"I'd like to, but I probably wouldn't be able to control myself if I did."

"Isn't that the idea?" Aaron grinned.

Andrew chucked and sighed.

"But, really, I was just thinking we could talk a little."

Andrew raised his eyebrows.

"Okay, okay. Well then how about another date, then?"

"That sounds good," Andrew smiled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The kid was a genius. Seriously. Who kisses like that anymore? Like you're the last person on earth. Like you're some sort of lost treasure that he's been waiting for his whole life. Aaron kind of liked that feeling. That he was a treasure. That was new. And the way Andrew had grabbed his hips – had whimpered a little and rubbed their dicks together. It was like he was innocent one second and a fucking sex kitten demon the next. And Andrew had called him by his name. That was nice to hear.

This was definitely heading in a good direction.

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February 27, 2012

Aaron dialed Andrew's number again. Voicemail. He considered leaving a message. He tried, after the beep. He couldn't get any words out. Only a sort of half-choking noise. He hung up. He decided to text him. Andrew hated texting, but it was better than just sitting here, wasn't it?

can we talk?

Short, simple. Better to save the pleading for later.

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April 8, 2006

They had been dating for a month now. After that first kiss things had progressed pretty steadily. It helped, initially, that they were in a class together. They got to sit next to each other for an hour three times a week. These were probably Andrew's favorite times. Joking, typing notes to one another on their computers. He'd never paid attention less in a class before.

Aaron was still enthralled. It seemed like every time he thought he had Andrew figured out there was something else that was lurking behind his boyish exterior. The kid was definitely an enigma, that was for sure. Romantic but cynical, sarcastic but caring, intelligent but clumsy – sometimes awkward. Aaron figured this was one of the good things about a relationship, getting to know someone like this. He was still a little freaked out about the boundaries though, were they allowed to hook up with other people? What were they, technically? Aaron wasn't really looking forward to that conversation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was the night. This was definitely the night. Andrew was going to end his life as a pathetic twenty-two year old virgin. They'd gone to dinner first, and now they were making out on Aaron's couch. Aaron was lying on top of him, one leg between his. Aaron was giving him a hickey. He really didn't care. He could tell it was getting serious when they were just in their underwear. They'd traded blowjobs a couple of weeks ago, but it hadn't progressed beyond that. Andrew could feel it though – there was something different in the air. Something aggressive. Maybe it was just his imagination though. Maybe he just really, really wanted to lose his virginity.

He liked Aaron. He liked him a lot. He had been building himself up for this moment. He didn't really have very many expectations – well, only a couple. But Aaron fulfilled most of them. This couch, though, didn't.

"You wanna go to your bed?"

"Yeah," Aaron husked.

Aaron grabbed Andrew's legs and wrapped them around his waist, hoisted him up and carried him into the bedroom, setting him down before lying on top of him again. Thank God Aaron was buff. And thank God he didn't have a roommate.

When Aaron moved for the lube Andrew didn't stop him. Maybe there really was some sort of unspoken thing between them.

Aaron prepared him, probably not enough considering his virginity, but Andrew wasn't about to tell Aaron he was a virgin. This wasn't the time to get into that – besides, he didn't really feel like revealing how pathetic he was right now. He just wanted to feel. He just wanted to be out of his head and in this moment for once.

Aaron slid a condom on.

"Do you wanna turn over?"

Andrew nodded no. He wanted to see Aaron's face.

"Okay, baby."

Aaron entered him slowly.

"Jesus, you're so fucking tight."

Andrew grimaced.

"It's been awhile," he lied.

"It's okay, I'll go slow," Aaron whispered in his ear.

Andrew shifted a little, rolled his hips.

"What if I don't want slow?"

Aaron chuckled.

"Oh, you're mine now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I can't believe I get to meet him! The timing seriously couldn't have been better."

Andrew rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, almost like you planned it. Don't try and steal him from me, Michael."

Andrew's cousin was visiting from a college in Northern California. Andrew was glad it was only a 5 ½ hour drive, it made visiting each other easy. Michael was comforting, in a weird way. He was everything Andrew wasn't – confident, unapologetically flirtatious, kind of a man-whore. They had bonded, naturally, being only a year apart and both gay in a huge Roman Catholic family. They had gone to the same high school for a couple of years – Michael had transferred once his family had relocated. They were lucky their families weren't the particularly religious ones. Michael was one of the constants in Andrew's life.

"Oh please, when have I ever tried to do anything like that?"

Andrew stared at him.

"Okay, when have I ever tried to do anything like that to you?"

"Well, it's not like you really had the chance before."

Michael felt a pang of guilt. It wasn't easy for Andrew to let people in, and the one time he had –

"I promise, I would never do that to you. And seriously, like I ever could! I may be a little slutty, but you definitely one up me in the looks department."

Andrew tried to argue, but Michael cut him off.

"No, seriously, don't bother, I'm not fishing for compliments. It's a plain fact, and, besides, the way you talk about him, I can tell you two really like each other."

Andrew let himself smile a little.

"Yeah, I mean, I'm still not getting my hopes up. I'm just glad that we're both sticking around after graduation. At least that means it won't be goodbye, goodbye. Like for real goodbye. I would hate to ask myself what if."

"Remember your yearbook quote from high school?" Michael asked.

"Of course. 'Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, what might have been?' I still love that quote. Remember Danielle Cruze's?"

"Ugh, how could I forget. 'Every silver lining has a touch of grey' Like, seriously, was she in a secret contest for most depressing yearbook quote?"

Andrew smiled.

"I am excited for you to meet him though. Let's just hope I can try and maintain my sobriety for a little while this time. The last time we were out drinking together I ended up passing out on his couch."

"You promised me you'd finish telling me that story!"

"Here, make us some drinks, I'll finish getting dressed and you can hear the whole awful saga."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aaron was drunk. Really drunk. He hadn't meant to get this drunk. Well, maybe he had. He never was very good at controlling himself at pregames. And now here he was, wandering around the crowded club trying to spot Andrew. He had lost Jamie somewhere in the crowd. She was probably somewhere with their other friends. Some guy with spiky hair came up to him.

"Hey, wanna dance?"

Spiky hair was cute. A little twinky type thing. Not as cute as Andrew, though. Where the fuck was Andrew, by the way?

"Nah, I'm alright."

"Okay, well, if you change your mind, come find me."

Spiky hair smiled and walked away.

Aaron wandered around for a little while longer before he saw him. Standing by a table near one of the bars. He was whispering in another guy's ear. They looked pretty cozy. Really fucking cozy. Smiling at each other, leaning back and forth. Laughing. Aaron felt a surge of jealousy. Then anger. Should he go over there? And do what, exactly? Humiliate himself? Andrew was clearly occupied. Aaron was too fucked up for this. He turned around and walked back to the bar. He stared at his phone for a couple of seconds, pretending to text someone. Spiky hair was only a couple of people down, trying to get the bartender's attention. So what if Andrew was flirting with another guy? Aaron could play this game too. He moved his way over to spiky hair.

"So, still up for a dance?"

Spiky hair smiled.

"Sure."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Andrew had forgotten how much he missed Michael. They probably hadn't moved from this spot near the bar for the entire night. He had been trying to spot Aaron, but he hadn't been paying too much attention – he was laughing too hard.

"So, seriously Andrew, when can I meet Aaron?"

"He told me he was on his way about 30 minutes ago. He spelled 'way' wrong though. I think he's pretty hammered."

"Perfect, I can mess with him!"

"I'd actually pay to see that. Should we try and find him?"

They moved towards the crowd, scanning the faces. They were at a good vantage point, elevated a little by a set of stairs that led to the dance floor. Andrew saw Jamie and waved her over. She was probably his favorite of Aaron's friends. After Andrew introduced her to Michael, Michael wasted no time.

"So, we're on the lookout for Aaron. I'm only staying for the night and I'm not leaving without meeting him."

"I lost him in the crowd somewhere, I'll help you look for him!" Jamie practically shouted. God, they were playing "Get Low" way too loud.

They scanned the crowd again. Andrew found him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aaron didn't know when he had started kissing spiky hair. It was like one minute they were dancing, one minute they were kissing. Spiky hair was an awful kisser. He tasted like cigarettes. And since when did spiky hair have three hands, two on Aaron's hips, one on his shoulder?

The hand on his shoulder spun him around. Oh, it was Jamie.

"Aaron, what the fuck are you doing?"

She was pissed. Aaron staggered backwards a little.

"Huh?"

"You have a boyfriend, remember? Andrew? Hello? Am I making any sense to you, you drunken fuck up?"

She was really pissed.

Andrew. Andrew. Shit. Fuck. Andrew. But Andrew had been with that other guy. Whatever.

"Whatever."

"No. No whatever. You're coming with me. He's outside right now, I think you made him cry. You have to explain yourself."

She grabbed Aaron's hand and practically shouted "fucking idiot," into the crowd. A couple of people looked startled.

Aaron stumbled as she dragged him through the club to the outside terrace. Not many people were out here, only a couple smokers. When they realized what was about to go down, they scurried away.

Andrew was sitting on a stone bench with his head in his hands. He looked so small, so sad. The same guy from inside was rubbing his back. What the fuck was he doing here? As soon as he saw Jamie and Aaron he got up and stood in front of Andrew. He glared at Aaron and shoved out his hand.

"Michael." He pointed at Andrew. "His cousin."

Aaron was officially the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. Andrew had told him multiple times that his cousin was coming. He actually had a couple of rants about him, mostly Aaron had tuned him out during them and stared at his lips. He should have known that that was his cousin, not some competition. Andrew hadn't been flirting. But Aaron had. And kissing. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Michael turned to Jamie and motioned a little to go back inside. Jamie stayed by the doorway though. She wanted to make sure Aaron didn't outdo himself in pure dumbassery.

Aaron shuffled a little towards Andrew.

"Hi."

Andrew shifted his head in his hands – looked anywhere but Aaron.

"Hi."

Aaron wondered if he should even try and explain his colossal idiocy. When he was this wasted it would probably just make it worse, though.

"Andrew, look, I'm sorry, I – "

"Aaron," Andrew cut him off.

"Listen, I...it's my fault, okay? I knew what I was getting into, I knew and I did it anyway. You didn't do anything wrong, you were just being yourself. It's my fault for not seeing it sooner. I should have expected this. I mean... I liked you so much I fucking gave my virginity to you, I wish I could have that back but I guess it doesn't work that way, does it? Just, it's fine. Okay? Let's just forget about it."

Andrew's voice had steadily risen while he had been talking. He hadn't meant to spill the virginity beans, but now was a good a time as any. He'd failed again. Been failed again. Mostly he was mad at himself, though. Mad that he'd been so stupid.

Aaron was angry. Really angry. Andrew hadn't even let him explain himself and now here he was, telling Aaron what kind of person he was. What the fuck?

"What the fuck? How was I supposed to know you were some virgin who'd get obsessed with me?

While he was saying it he knew how wrong it was. How hurtful it was. It didn't even really make sense. He was just so angry. So drunk, angry, and confused. He knew that he was really the one who was obsessed with Andrew. He knew how much he liked Andrew, how willing he had been to change for him. He knew how much it meant to him, secretly, that Andrew had lost his virginity to him. Then why was he saying these things? He needed a muzzle.

Andrew just kind of gaped at him.

A half-second later Andrew was crying. Aaron wanted to hold him, apologize, do anything. Instead he just stood there with his arms crossed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"And then I just stood there?"

"You just stood there," Jamie repeated.

"Then what happened?" Aaron cringed. This was getting impossible to hear.

"Well, Andrew's cousin came up at that point and ushered him away. Luckily there was a back entrance so he didn't have to go sobbing through the whole club. Then you and I had it out. I basically told you what a fucking douchebag idiot loser you are."

Aaron couldn't believe it. He'd woken up with very little memory of the night and a sinking feeling in his stomach. Jamie had just finished relating the night's progressively more horrific events.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?"

"You're a douchebag idiot loser. Seriously. You should have seen his face. I really liked him, by the way. He made you nicer. And that virgin comment. My fucking God Aaron, do you have a soul?"

Jamie knew she was being harsh, but shit, Aaron fucking deserved it. He had royally, royally fucked up.

Aaron put his head in his hands. He wasn't gonna let this tear fall, no fucking way. He brushed it away from his cheek quickly so Jamie wouldn't notice.

"What do I do?"

Jamie definitely noticed his voice breaking. She softened a little.

"Try to get him back, I guess."

"What if he doesn't want me back?"

"Honestly, Aaron, he probably doesn't. But, that doesn't mean you can't try."

***********************************************************************************

April 15, 2006

Andrew didn't feel like answering the door. He still had bed hair, was in sweatpants and had Flamin' Hot Cheetos all over his shirt. And it was 1:00 P.M. But, Lauren was in the bathroom and it might be the FedEx guy, and Andrew really, really wanted his new video game. Sacrifices had to be made – he definitely needed something to take his mind off of the events of last week. Aaron had tried to contact him since then; Andrew had ignored it all. Better to just have a clean break. He didn't need to revisit anything involving Aaron. He was having a hard time forgetting, though.

Andrew opened the door, brushing away some of the Cheetos from his shirt. It was Aaron. Shit. Andrew looked like shit. Shit. Aaron was holding some kind of offering – Sour Patch Kids – Andrew's favorite candy – and an envelope, or something. Probably another note. Andrew felt a lump forming in his throat.

"Hey," Aaron said.

Andrew stood there.

"Can I come in? I know I'm probably the last person you want to see but I really want to talk to you. Please?"

Aaron looked so sad. So pathetic. Andrew almost felt bad. Then he remembered what Aaron had said to him. What Aaron had done.

"I'm sorry Aaron. I...I can't. I've already been humiliated enough. I'm sorry."

Andrew moved to shut the door.

"Please, Andrew? Just give me a chance, please?"

Andrew looked like he was almost convinced for a second.

"I'm sorry." He shut the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aaron had stood there, outside Andrew's door, for five more minutes. He'd rung the doorbell again. Lauren came to the window and made a throat-slitting motion at him. He moved away, slowly. He considered leaving the note he wrote behind, but he figured it'd just get thrown away anyway.

He'd tried to contact Andrew again. Andrew kept ignoring him. He always chose seats in class between two people so Aaron couldn't sit next to him. He practically ran out of class each day before Aaron could even try to approach him. It continued this way through graduation. Aaron had almost entirely given up hope. He just couldn't get Andrew out of his mind. They'd only been dating for a month, why was this having such a large effect on him? He tried to tell himself it was because Andrew was his first steady hookup – the first person he had truly dated. He knew that wasn't the reason, though.

In the three months since graduation he had dated here and there, one guy had even lasted a couple of weeks. No one compared to Andrew, though. His sexual appetite was pretty much gone, too. He gave one guy a blowjob, mostly because he felt so bad for the guy, but besides that he was practically a monk.

************************************************************************************

August 08, 2006

He was scanning the shelves at Whole Foods now. Today was a bad day. He kept on replaying images of their brief relationship. Periodically he'd recall another instance of him being a total asshole and cringe. He hated days like this. He was passing the supplement aisle when he caught something in the corner of his eye.

There he was - crouching down, looking at the different types of Fish Oil. Andrew looked good, really, really good. He was wearing an unbuttoned flannel with a soft-looking shirt underneath it, his hair was mussed in an adorable way and he looked very, very deep in thought. Aaron debated going up to him or not. He had to. He just had to. He knew they would run into each other eventually, living in the same city. He would have to talk to him sometime.

"Andrew," he called out.

Woah, that was way too loud. Inside voice, Aaron, inside voice. Andrew looked, up, startled, and then steeled his expression.

"Aaron, hi."