God's Angel Ch. 03

"He said he wasn't sure if he was gay anymore."

"It doesn't sound like he's accepted it totally. When face with hardships, many people have second thoughts and often choose the road of least resistance."

"Hasn't accepted it yet? We've made love. How could he not have accepted it yet?" Gabe asked.

"Really, Gabe. I'm surprised at you. You know how easy it is to separate feelings and how easy it is to change making love to fucking."

Gabe shot him a look.

"Now I now you're not God. God wouldn't say the word `fucking'."

"Why not? Do you think I haven't heard it before? Do you think there's something I haven't seen, heard, felt, thought, or imagined before? It's just a word that isn't used in polite company, another human invention."

"So you're saying I was just a fuck to Ethan?"

"I'm saying that people often get confused and sometimes rewrite their own little history to change the way they see things. How they see things determines how it affects them and so suddenly something which meant a lot means less than it did before."

"So, he's running again? Like I did?" Gabe asked.

"Seems like it, doesn't it?"

"Well, it seems like he's running pretty fast and hard."

"You never had to tell your family that you were gay. You never had the feeling, that even though you knew they loved you, you were somehow risking that love. You never even told your Aunt, who loved your very much by the way and knew you were gay since you came to live with her. But I'm sure how you could see it being difficult for people."

"Well, it wasn't my idea not to be able to tell my parents."

"No."

"Would they have understood?"

"They do now. Isn't that enough?"

"I would like to know."

"Even if I answered you, you don't believe I'm God so what does it matter. Why don't you decide if you think they would have or not and go by that."

"I guess it's all I have."

"That's not entirely true. You have your memories of them. I'm sure you can figure out what they would have thought by that." God stopped and put his hand on Gabe's shoulder. "You'll have to be strong though. It's not easy helping someone else while you're hurting but he needs you now even though you don't think so."

"He wanted me to thank you for making sex." Gabe said and God chuckled.

"Tell him he's welcome."

"If I ever get to talk to him again." Gabe said.

"Don't give up so easily. I'm sure you'll find a way." God said and walked off.

Gabe returned to work and both he and Ethan seemed to work diligently to stay out of the other's way. It worked well because four o'clock came quickly and Ethan headed out promptly without glancing into Gabe's office. He sighed, turned off his computer and headed home. He wasn't home long when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Gabe? Hey, it's Darren. What's up?"

"Oh hey, Darren. Not much. Just got in from work. You?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner with Phil and I tonight? We're leaving tomorrow and I wanted you guys to meet. You're your the closest thing to an ex boyfriend I have that I'd actually want to introduce him to, so what do you say?"

"Yeah, that sounds good. What time?"

Two hours later, Gabe walked into a little restaurant and saw Darren sitting across the room. He made his way to the table.

"Hey." He said as he sat down.

"Hey. Gabe this is Phil, Phil this is Gabe." Phil was a handsome man and after talking with them for a few minutes he could see they both cared for each other deeply. Gabe felt a stab of envy at so deep a relationship.

"So what's been going on with you?" Darren asked.

"Same old. Still working at the job I told you about but not sure for how long. My love life is in the toilet and I seem to be alone again. I being stalked by some crazy old man who calls himself God. But the good thing is my volunteer work at the soup kitchen is going great!"

"I'm not even going to comment on the crazy guy who calls himself God but to stay away from the crazies. Anyway, love life in the toilet? How so?" Darren asked.

"It's the classic story of boy meets boy who is confused by his sexuality, boy convinces scared boy to give it a whirl and then scared boy becomes gay boy, and gay boys parents convince him he's got to get married to a woman so gay boy goes back to being scared in the closest boy."

"I saw that movie. That was Montgomery Cliff and Tony Curtis, wasn't it?" Darren asked.

"Something like that. You know, the same old tired plot." Gabe added.

"Oh, I'm sorry sweetie. It wasn't the hunky guy who saw us having coffee the other day and got all jealous and stuff, was it?"

"The very same."

"The one you said was your boss?"

"Uh huh."

"Oh wow."

"Yeah." Gabe said, feeling miserable.

"And by convince you mean...." Darren asked.

"Don't ask him that, honey. That's tacky." Phil said.

"It's ok. Yeah, that's what I meant."

"Well, fuck him sweetie. There's better men out there."

"Yeah, so they keep telling me." Gabe sighed. "I don't think I'm ready to give up on this one yet, though. Even if he doesn't choose me he deserves to be happy and if he's gay, getting married to some rich bimbo isn't going to help matters."

"Well just make sure you're in a good place and don't get hurt." Darren said.

They spoke of lighter things till it was time for Darren and Phil to leave and they dropped Gabe off at his apartment. At least tomorrow was Friday, thought Gabe as he got ready for bed. How bad could tomorrow be?

Ethan was going on a date. Gabe heard the gossip four minutes after he arrived at the office from Jess, the receptionist who heard it from Bryan, an Assistant manager who heard it from Erica, Ethan's secretary that Ethan had asked her to make reservations at DiAngelo's for two at eight o'clock and to confirm with one Barbara Whitstone.

"Who is Barbara Whitstone?" Gabe asked.

"Some socialite snob who doesn't think people who make under 100 thousand a year actually exist." Jess answered bitterly. "I love Ethan. If I didn't love my boyfriend more I'd try for him. He deserves to be with someone who makes him happy. Don't you think?"

"Yeah, but try telling him that." Gabe answered and headed to his office.

He was in there all day, having skipped lunch trying to get his work done but his mind just wasn't into it. He kept finding mistakes he had made earlier and having to go back and check everything over again. Gabe cursed fiercely as he found another error and was forced to recheck his figures.

"Are you ok?" Ethan asked from the doorway. Gabe looked up in surprise.

"Yeah, I'm just not having a very good day." Gabe hoped his voice sounded neutral. "I keep making mistakes."

Ethan nodded his head and stood silent for a moment. He then turned and shut the door.

"Gabe, I was worried about you yesterday."

"Were you? That's convenient cause I was worried about you too. I still am."

"Gabe, I don't mean this to be hard for either of us."

"Ethan, don't worry about me. We made no promises to each other. I'm a big boy. I realize that. Worry about yourself. This Barbara Whitstone, she's going to make you happy?"

"How did you know about that?"

"It's not important. What's important is your happiness and your future." Gabe said, coming to stand in the front of his desk. "Is getting married to a woman going to make you happy?"

"I don't know."

"Were you happy the couple of weeks we spent together?" Ethan looked away. "You don't have to give me an answer but you deserve one. You deserve to be honest with yourself."

"And what if the answer is no? What if I wasn't happy with you?" Ethan asked.

"Then that's fine. Then go see if Barbara or some other woman can make you happy! Just don't do this because your parents are making you."

"They'll fire me from the company. My dad can't run it anymore, they'll just sell it off piece by piece! All the people who work for us will be out of a job, their pensions, everything they've worked for."

"And that sucks. But you wouldn't be responsible for that."

"You're confusing me." Ethan said and turned around as if to leave but didn't open the door.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to. I only wanted to show you that you're sacrificing your well-being for a future that might not be. You're parents might sell this company to someone who keeps everyone on and honors the pensions, or everyone might get fired and find better jobs somewhere and have a chance at a new life. Maybe we'll all move somewhere and start a commune, who knows?"

"Where will you move?" Ethan asked.

"What?"

"You said `you'll all move', where will you move to?"

"I don't know. Me, personally.... I'm not sure there's anything left for me in this town. My friend Darren was talking about some good jobs down closer to the City but I don't know. I don't want to move but I've learned that what I want often doesn't matter."

"But you'd move?"

"I don't think I'd really have a choice, Ethan. It was a God send that I met you." Gabe closed his eyes and realized how that sounded. "I meant, cause you gave me the job."

"Right." Ethan said and sighed. "If I'm straight then everyone gets to stay and have a job. If I'm gay, then everyone has to leave. Some choice."

"Well, what are you? The chair of the urban development committee? If your parents fire you for being gay, than they're assholes. I'm sorry, but I think the fact that they're putting you in this situation is shitty."

"What does being gay even mean?"

"It's like anything, I guess. It means what you want it to mean." Gabe answered.

"What's it mean to you?"

"It means that I can be feminine or masculine if I want to. It means that if I hear a song and my first thought is `that's too girly' my second thought is `I'm gay, who cares?'. It means that I can be who I am and not give a shit what other people think about it. It means that someday I'll find a man who will look at me the way I look at him. I'll feel a little less when he's not there and complete when he is. It means that I'll love him and not worry about the world."

"That's what it means?"

"That's what it means to me." Gabe sat on the corner of his desk and waited while Ethan thought about what he had said.

"So, what am I supposed to do?" Ethan asked.

"That's up to you. I can't give you answers, only point you in directions." Gabe closed his eyes and realized he had just quoted "God". "But I think you should go on the date with Barbara."

"You do?"

"I do."

"Why?"

"I think you need to find out who you are. I think you're used to living your life for other people and have forgotten how to live for yourself. No matter what you decide in life, that's important."

"So go on the date and find myself?" Ethan asked.

"That's a place to start."

"Why are you helping me with this? Aren't you angry?"

"No Ethan, truth be told I'm hurt. But that's not your fault. You need to do this and I need to let you. Like I said, the most important thing is for your happiness, gay or straight."

"So you're not a recruiter?" Ethan asked with a smile. Gabe thought for a moment and then understood.

"You mean, for the `gay agenda'? No. We don't have recruiters, or at least officially we don't. We don't get toasters for every five breeders we turn. Nothing like that. It's difficult to know who you are sometimes, with everyone shouting at you what you should be. Sometimes you just need someone to listen to you with an open heart, ready to accept what you decide."

"Thank you, Gabe."

"Anytime." Gabe said as Ethan opened the door.

"I've changed my mind, I think you really do talk to God. I can't think of anyone more worthy than you."

Ethan left the office and Gabe sat wiping stubborn tears from his eyes. He grabbed his jacket and some work to take home with him and left for the night. He was sorely tempted to sit on his park bench but decided to get some take out and head back to his apartment. It seemed bigger now, less warm and infinitely more lonely, Gabe thought as he sat in the kitchen picking through the Chinese food. There was a knock at the door and Gabe jumped up praying that it was Ethan. It was God and he was holding a small, brown paper bag.

"Not who you were expecting, huh?"

"Not exactly. Come on in." Gabe said and sat back down to his meal. The man came in and placed the paper bag on the table.

"They forgot to put this in when you picked it up."

"God delivers Chinese food now?"

"You think it's beneath me?"

"Um... yeah."

"Huh. Even the littlest cogs need help spinning in the great mechanics of life." God said, over dramatically.

"That's a bumper sticker, isn't it?"

"Not yet, but it will be soon." God said and helped himself to some pork fried rice. "So?"

"I don't want to talk about it tonight."

"We both know that's not true. If you didn't want to talk about it, do you think I'd be here? I'm God, I have excellent timing."

"Fine. Ethan's going on a date tonight."

"And you advised him to go."

"Yeah."

"Noble of you."

"You think I was wrong?"

"No. I was simply commenting on your nobility." God said, happily munching away on Gabe's dinner.

"Well, he has to figure out who he is."

"Or otherwise, he'll be no use to anyone."

"He'll be no use to anyone if he's straight?" Gabe asked.

"No, he'll still be a use. Everyone's useful in their own way, despite their choices. But it's difficult to use someone when they don't know who or what they are. When they're in the middle or confused they don't listen well. Inspiration often suffers."

"Are you having me help him just so I can help him decide he's straight?"

"That is the most self-serving thing you've ever said to me."

"I'm the one who's getting hurt here! I'm the one who has to pretend that I'm o.k. with all of this!"

"I can't help that you're getting hurt. I hurt for you, but I can't help that. But I never told you that you have to be `o.k. with all of this'. I only asked you to find a way to help him."

"How can I help him if I'm screaming at him that he's a big homo and to grow the fuck up?!" Gabe yelled and stood up from the table.

"Is that what you want to do?"

"Yes! No. I don't know." Gabe sighed. "I feel like I'm being left again. I feel like another person is choosing someone or something else over me. That I'm not good enough to be chosen first."

"That's self-pity." Gabe spun around intending to kick God out of his apartment, but the man had his hand up. "I didn't say that it's not understandable. You've got plenty to be angry about. Just as an option, self-pity isn't productive."

"Maybe I'll just be angry then. Is angry productive enough for you?"

"Productive, yes. Constructive, no. Anger is good to destroy the blockages and walls people put up around their feelings and traumas. They can hopefully build better pathways to dealing with them out of love or sometimes just plain reason."

"So what should I do?" Gabe asked, pacing.

"You know the answer to that."

"Let's imagine that I don't! Ok? You're good at imagining. Let's say for a minute that I have no fucking clue what to do next!"

"I can't give-."

"You `can't give answers, only point people in directions'. Yeah, I used that one myself today. Just get out."

"Gabe-."

"Get the fuck out!" Gabe opened the door. "I'm tired of being a little sock puppet for whatever freak show you're running here! I'm going to sit and be angry and wallow in big loads of self-pity! Now get the fuck out so I can get to it!"

God stood and left quietly. Gabe slammed the door shut behind him and knocked the Chinese food off the table as he felt the stubborn tears return with a vengeance.