God's Angel Ch. 06

"Fuck you guys." Darren said, barely removing his mouth from his husbands.

"No hickeys, you two. That's just juvenile." Gabe added.

"I don't mind a hickey once in a while." Kyle said and smiled at Gabe.

"Really? I would totally have pegged you as a `Don't mark me' kind of guy." said Gabe.

"Nah. A little love bite is a mark that you belong to someone. I don't mind belonging to someone as long as it's the right one."

"But how do you know when it's the right one?" Gabe asked.

"Well, that takes faith. It's a risk but there's so much to gain that it's worth it." Kyle reached over and took Gabe's hand and held in on his thigh as he drove. Gabe felt a bit uncomfortable and tried to pull it back.

"Friends can hold hands, Gabe."

"Friends can. But we're not really friends, are we?"

"What else would we be?"

"Well, friends don't usually have conversations about waiting for one another or how they should remain just friends."

"True, that's probably not a typical conversation between friends. A common one, I bet, but not a typical one."

Gabe relaxed and left his hand in Kyle's. It felt nice to have another person to touch, the warmth of another person to feel. They held hands the entire way home but didn't speak until Kyle pulled into the driveway and shut off the car. Darren and Phil got out, said their good nights and ran into the house like horny teenagers. Gabe and Kyle remained, hands still clasped.

"I had a really good time, Kyle. That place was great."

"I'm glad. I've been wanting to take you there for a while, but the opportunity never came."

"I'm glad it came tonight."

"Gabe, can I ask you a question?"

"I think I'm going to regret this but, yeah."

"Are you not ready because of `the guy' or are you not ready because of `you'?"

"What's the difference?" Gabe asked.

"One means you're still dealing with his stuff, the other means you're dealing with your stuff." Kyle turned and looked into Gabe's eyes. "So?"

"I don't know how to answer that."

"You could try honestly."

"Are you saying I'm not honest?"

"No, I'm saying you could tell me how you really feel."

"Wait a minute," Gabe said, pulling his hand back. "I thought we had this settled. I thought when I told you that I wasn't ready that I had done my part, been honest and basically let you go do whatever you needed to do. You're the one who said you wanted to wait. Why is this suddenly about me not being honest?"

"Hold on, I'm not saying you're not being honest and I know you're not ready and yeah, I said I'd wait. I meant it, too. But I just want to know why I'm waiting? Why am I waiting- Why are we waiting when we could both be seeing what we could mean to each other?"

"Listen, I can't tell you or anyone else in any way clearer than `I'm not ready'."

"But you're not answering my question. You don't think I deserve an answer?" Kyle asked, clearly getting upset at how the conversation was going.

"I think you deserve a lot, Kyle and I think that you should find someone better than me to give it to you."

"Well, I picked you and I'm going to fight for what I know can be an life-changing connection between us, a LIFE-DEFINING connection." Gabe sat stunned at Kyle's passionate declaration and Kyle sat silent feeling a bit exposed. "I just want to know if it's because of him or you that's you're not ready. That's all."

"It's because of me." Gabe whispered and got out of the car.

As he closed the front door of the house behind him, he heard Kyle's car start and pull out of the driveway. He cried that night for the first time since the wedding.

Gabe woke the next day and slipped out early before Darren and Phil were even up for a walk. He knew where he was going and he knew that she would be there. And she was, he saw, sitting on the bench overlooking the river.

"Good morning." She said.

"Morning."

"You look horrible."

"Bad night sleep."

"Hmm." Was all she said in response.

"Why am I waiting?" Gabe asked God, almost ready to admit that she was the Divine as long as she had an answer.

"Because you don't think you can be loved." God answered simply. "Despite everything I've tried to tell you, despite the amount of times that I've said I loved you, you don't believe it. You have very little faith left Gabe."

"But I want to be loved so badly."

"I know you do, but it's a contradiction in human nature that something wanted is the one thing that people don't allow themselves. I'm not condoning hedonism, mind you, that never gets anyone very far."

"Why do we do it then?"

"Fear. Fear of being vulnerable because of the thing wanted, fear of the loss of the thing wanted, fear of rejection of the thing wanted. Fear of not being worthy of the thing wanted. Humans fear a great many things." God shook her head.

"What do I fear?"

"You fear that you are not worthy of love and that you'll be rejected again."

"How do I stop being scared?"

"You have to realize that you are worthy and that no matter how many times you are rejected you still deserve to be loved." God said and laid a hand on Gabe's shoulder.

"And how do I do that?"

"You love with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your soul."

"I don't think I can do that."

"I wouldn't have told you if I knew you couldn't do it. You have an incredible capacity for love within you. You can do it."

"I'm not ready."

"To what? Love? Why do you need to be ready to love? How does one prepare to love?"

"I've been hurt."

"Love cures hurt and pain. Love forgives and heals. Love brings wisdom and truth. Love warms the heart and cools anger. That's what they mean when they say `Love conquers all'. True love, selfless love will conquer all."

"So you're telling me I should be with Kyle? You're telling me I should take a risk?"

"Love is never a risk. Love is simply loving. It's when people love to receive love back that it becomes a gamble. And as to being with Kyle, is that what you want?"

"You told me to love with all my heart, mind and soul! Who am I going to love if not Kyle?"

"Everyone. Why not start small? There are so many people out there who need love. Why can't you simply be there a little more for people? Take the time to see them a little clearer? Give them aid when you can? Sometimes just a friendly ear or a strong shoulder is enough."

"That will help me?"

"It will."

"I guess I could give it a try."

"You were more enthusiastic when I asked you to help out at the soup kitchen."

"I thought it couldn't hurt."

"Giving love freely never does, dear." God said and stood and walked away.

Gabe filled the next few weeks with work, staying at the office late and getting in early. His supervisor, Paula mentioned it a couple times suggesting he not spend all of his time at the office, but Gabe felt comfortable there, in control. His hard work was applauded by others in the office, but Paula would just grumble something about him becoming `burnt out' and leave him alone. But he didn't think he was going to burn out. How could numbers and figures ever hurt him? You placed them where they were supposed to go, they acted in the only way they could which was true to their nature, and if there was an error you simply corrected them. They were a great deal easier than dealing with human drama.

"All right, Gabriel Donovan. I'm pulling rank." Paula said as she marched into his office.

"I'm sorry?"

"You're coming with me. We've got to go meet a client we do pro bono work for. They've got some discrepancies that we need fixed before we put the forms through."

"Paula, I know you're my boss but I'm-."

"That's why it's called `pulling rank'. Come on." She said and walked out the door without waiting to see if Gabe followed.

He followed her down the elevator and out to her car, which she drove like a speed demon bent on killing every pedestrian she could. Gabe was fearful for his life.

"I wanted to get you out of the office. It's not really p.c. to tell employees not to work so hard but I'm worried for you kid. You're doing a great job. Why are you killing yourself?" Paula asked as she aimed her B.M.W. toward a bike messenger.

"I'm going through a lot in my life and work keeps me distracted. The more I'm distracted, the less I have to think about my problems."

"And the less you have to deal with them." She said and veered into another lane seconds before totaling her car and the taxi that pulled out in front of her.

"Something like that."

"Well, that's running away. Look, I've been there. You don't work as a C.P.A. and not have problems in your love life. Dates either consider you as some sort of lower life form because you can do math in your head, or the person you do land up catching doesn't understand why you're emotionally unavailable during tax season. Course there's also the myth that accountants have no imagination."

"I'm pretty sure that's a statistical fact." Gabe said and grabbed the oh-shit-handle by the door.

"Don't interrupt. Anyway, love lives suck no matter who you are. Eventually you're heart becomes engaged and it's just a ticking time bomb till someone fucks up. And someone always fucks up. It's not nice, it's not pleasant but it's the truth. You can't hide yourself away just cause some asshole hurt you, and correct me if I'm wrong but this would be an asshole of the male variety?" Paula asked, pointedly.

"Um... yeah."

"Cool. I'm hip. So, you hear what I'm saying?" Paula finished her soliloquy and gunned the gas to slide into a parking space before another car could finish parallel parking.

"I'm trying to but all I've been able to think about since getting into the car with you is that I seriously need to change my life insurance beneficiary." Gabe said, trying to unclench his hands from the handle and his bowels from fear.

"I know. I kinda have a lead foot."

"I was going to say death wish, but if you prefer." Gabe's face was still pale. Paula laughed.

"I really like you, Gabe. You fit in well and you're a hard worker. But I don't want to see you spend all your time at the office, especially now. You should be getting out and meeting people."

"Actually Paula, there is someone. He's nice, gorgeous and he's into me."

"Marry him."

"He scares me to death."

"Yeah, the good ones usually do." She said, grabbed her briefcase and headed toward a nondescript building with a faded sign reading. `Tribeca Women's Shelter'.

Gabe followed his supervisor's purposeful stride into the building and assumed that it had once seen better days. The paint on the walls was chipping off and the floors had been cleaned as best they could but still showed signs of the passing of too many feet. Women walked the hallways, some looking relieved, others looking as if they had given up their spirit long ago. Some held the hands of little children and had a spark of determination in their eyes, for their children's sake, if not for their own. Gabe was struck with sympathy. Paula led the way into an office with a desk, two chairs, and more files than Gabe currently had on his desk. In the middle of the files sat a woman who looked like she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders.

"Paula." The woman said in greeting.

"Helen." Paula responded.

"To what do I owe this visit?" The woman asked.

"Your files, Helen. They suck."

"You try filling out all this paperwork and then come to be about my files sucking. Of course they suck."

"Calm down, we just have some questions."

"I'm calm, honey and I'll try to have the answers but it's not like I'm running a for profit here. You might have to take what you can get."

Paula and Gabe sat with Helen and did their best to correct the discrepancies. It took over two hours which put them passed the end of their day when Paula finally admitted she was satisfied.

"It must be nice working nine to five." Helen chuckled.

"It's not bad." Paula agreed. "Bartley, Fitch and Meade really do admire your work here. That's why we do what we can."

"I know. Please tell Bartley, Fitch and Meade that we appreciate all their help as well as their generous donations."

They left the office when Gabe was distracted by the sound of someone crying. He looked over his shoulder and saw a small girl sitting on the floor, clutching her arms around her bent legs. He stopped and knelt down next to her.

"Are you ok, sweetie?" The girl shook her head. "Do you hurt somewhere?" Again, the girl shook her head. "Are you sad?"

"Yes." The girl answered. Gabe turned and saw that Paula looked impatient to leave.

"I'll take the subway back, Paula."

"Sure?"

"Yeah."

"All right. I'll see you later." Paula left and Gabe sat down on the floor next to the little girl.

"What's your name?"

"Darlene."

"Mine's Gabe. You want to talk about why y you're sad?" The girl shook her head. "Sometimes talking about it can help."

"Can it stop my daddy hurting my mom?" She asked.

"No. Not usually."

"Then I don't want to talk about it."

"How old are you Darlene?"

"Eight."

"That's really young to have seen the things you've seen. People hurting other people is horrible, isn't it?"

"Yeah. My mommy hurt so bad she had to go to the hospital. Then my daddy hit me when she got home and she brought me here."

"She did that cause she loves you."

"She didn't love my daddy?"

"She probably did but sometimes people have a sickness in them that makes them hurt so bad they do bad things. You're daddy had it."

"Why's he sick?"

"I don't know, sweetie."

"Will he get better?"

"I don't know. Probably not. People like your daddy just hurt so much that they keep hurting others. That's why your mommy brought you here. So he couldn't hurt you or her again. But you know what?"

"What?"

"The people here are going to try to help you and your mommy so that you can go somewhere safe and not have to worry. You can start over and take care of each other. I know that probably doesn't sound so good now but soon it will."

"Will I get to see my daddy again?"

"If you want to, when you're older and stronger. But he probably won't be healthy yet so you'll have to be careful and not see him until you're old enough to take care of yourself. Ok?"

"Ok." The little girl gave a shaky sigh. Gabe wiped her tears.

"You'll be fine, sweetie." He said and smiled. The girl got up and walked down the hallway toward her rooms.

Gabe stood and turned around to see Helen standing in the doorway. "I'm sorry. She was crying."

"Sorry? What do you have to be sorry for? I was going to offer you a job."

"I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle this all day."

"Honey, I'm not strong enough to handle this all day." She said and returned back to her office.

Gabe turned around and saw a little boy standing in the hallway smiling at him. He smiled back.

"Hi." He said. "What's your name?"

"You know me, Gabriel. I'm very proud of you. It was a good start to talk to one so young and help her shoulder her burden for a little while." The vocabulary was inconsistent with the boys age and the way he spoke struck Gabe as familiar.

Gabe sank to his knee and frowned at the impossibility of what he was thinking.

"I know you?" He asked.

"Of course you do." The little boy said and came closer. He placed his little hands on either side of Gabe's face. "All my children know me."

"You can't be..." Gabe said and stood up and back from the boy.

"Why not? Because I appear as a child? I've already told you I'm trying to make you see a larger truth."

"I can't do this. I have to leave." Gabe turned and started walking out the door.

"It's your choice, Gabriel. I love you anyway." God said, and watched Gabe walk out the door.

Gabe thought of what had happened the entire train ride back to his office and the entire drive home. When he walked in the door he was greeted by the cacophony of dogs barking and Darren asking him how his day went. Gabe walked to the wet bar and poured himself a whiskey from Phil's personal decanter. He drained it quickly.

"What happened? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Darren, how do you know if you're crazy?"

"I'm sure there are many ways but the first couple that come to mind are auditory and visual hallucinations and thinking you're Napoleon. Why? Feeling crazy?"

"Kind of. I'm starting to think something that can't be true."

"Something that can't be true or shouldn't be true?" Phil asked as he came in from the kitchen.

"I don't know. Both? Maybe?" Gabe answered.

"Does it effect you personally? Can you function and still have this thought?" Phil asked.

"I guess so. Yeah."

"Does this thought disrupt your morals or your social ethics?"

"Um...no. It actually kind of strengthens them."

"I would say you're fine. Just deal with the thought as best you can until you can either disprove it or accept it. Keeping an open but critical mind might help too." Phil said as he sat on the couch.

"Honey, when did you get all psychology smart like?" Darren asked.

"I took some psych classes in college. Never really liked it but it kind of came back to me when Gabe was talking crazy."

"You were like Peppermint Patty when she gets out her little psychologists stand." Darren smiled, then frowned as Gabe started walking away. "Where are you going? I thought you thought you were crazy?"

"I just might be. I've got to make a call." Gabe said and went to his room.

He held the phone in his hand for an hour as he drummed up the courage to dial. He hadn't seen Kyle much since they had the discussion in the car and when Darren and Phil invited him over for dinner he had begun refusing. Gabe drew in a breath and let it out slowly as he dialed. When the phone started ringing he lost his nerve but was too slow to hang up.

"Hello?" Kyle answered.

"Kyle, this is Gabe." There was silence. "Gabriel Donovan, I'm staying with Darren and Phil? You lent me a car?"

"Yeah. I know. I'm just surprised to be hearing from you."

"You haven't been over lately." Gabe stated.

"No. I thought it best to give you- give us a little space. If you didn't need space then I guess the space was for me."

"I did need space, actually and I appreciate you giving it to me."

"Yeah, well I'm here to help." Gabe winced at Kyle's snide tone. This wasn't going as well as he hoped it would. Kyle sighed. "I'm sorry, Gabe. You didn't deserve that. I had a really bad day and I'm sorry to take it out on you. I was about to take a shower and cook some dinner when you called. What's on your mind?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt."

"It's ok, really." Kyle chuckled. "Now I feel like an ass. I told you, it was a really bad day. I'm glad you called. I actually missed hearing your voice."

"Did you?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be sure?"

"Our previous discussion didn't go so hot."

"Well, I shouldn't have pushed you. I thought about that a lot and you were right. I said I'd wait, which is my decision and then I tried to push you into something. That wasn't right and I'm sorry."

"I'm not." Gabe said and closed his eyes praying for strength.

"You're not what?"

"I'm not sorry you tried to push me."

"You're not?" Kyle asked.

"No, actually, I was sort of calling to ask you out."

"Ask me out? Like on a date?"

"Or ask you to ask me out, since I know you like to be the one to pursue."

"Really? Are you sure? You're not just doing this cause I said something the other night?"

"No. Yes. All of it. I think I needed a little kick in the ass and I've realized today that I need to be more courageous and fight for what I want, so...."

"Jesus, Gabe. It sounds like you're going off to war." Kyle laughed which made Gabe smile.

"Will you please put me out of my misery and just ask me out or hang up?" Gabe pleaded.