Goes Without Saying Pt. 04

David moved to his chair and sat down. "Ok, Tell me how it isn't so obvious as I think it is," he said, his voice dripping resigned sarcasm. He could see Alex bridle at this, and then subside.

"The first thing you need to understand is that Celia and I are not an item-"

"Bullshit! You don't know this but Siân and I saw you-"

"Yes, yes, New Year's Eve. For pity's sake David let me speak!"

David sagged resignedly. "Ok, Explain how me seeing her taking off her clothes in your bedroom shows you're not an item, not more than platonic friends."

Alex smiled at that. "Really David, we've been mates for how long? How many women d'you think have taken their clothes off in my bedroom? None of them were permanent!"

David felt he was losing the thread of the conversation, and remembering Alex's exploits, couldn't help a brief smile. "Ok, ok. So you're saying you were just shagging her. But this wasn't a one night stand, or a weekend fling, or a New Year's frolic, was it? You've been fucking her on and off for months, perhaps years. Go on Alex - deny it!"

Alex smiled again. David noted it was not a smug smile - as if to say 'I'm the greatest lover' - but a gentle tolerant smile; the smile of someone who knows what you think and knows you're wrong, because he has information you know not of. David sighed, mildly frustrated at what he saw as prevarication, and made a limp gesture for Alex to continue.

"Actually I wasn't 'just shagging her', but neither are we an item. There's a lot more to this than you think, so sit back and let Uncle Alex tell you all about it." Now there was on Alex's face his impish grin.

David laughed, he couldn't help it. While he was still disappointed in Alex, and was unhappy at what he perceived his friend to have done, he knew he couldn't be angry with him for long, no matter what he did; his best friend had always wanted the best for him in the past. "Go on!" he said. "I'm all ears."

"You remember when we first met Celia and Gwen? Don't answer, I know you do. You also remember and I'm sure Gwen told you, Gwen fancied me and Celia was good enough to switch with her so Gwen and I could get together."

"Actually I think it was Celia who told me that, but that's right, you-"

"Sorry, David," Alex said gently. "In truth it was actually the other way round. Celia had been watching the two of you laughing and joking and you were making Gwen so happy, that Celia really fancied you. Yes, I know I'm supposed to be the babe magnet, the devilishly handsome one, but when it comes to entertaining, funnies, engaging conversation, and yes, real genuine affection, you beat me hands down.

"So it was actually Gwen who was good enough to swap to let Celia have you, and it became clear to me quite quickly that for Gwen that was a big sacrifice, and while everyone thought I finished with Gwen after a few weeks, she gently told me there was no real spark between us. I knew then that Gwen's spark had been with you, but by now you were out of her reach. You were with Celia."

"Oh God!" David blasphemed. "Six years of Celia and me as an item, and Gwen had to stand by and watch it. She was so good when Celia went off with Gary. She wouldn't make a move on me, you know."

"Yes, you're right, she wouldn't ever stand between you and Celia until it was definitely all over. Gwen was ecstatic when you started taking her out. You were perfection in her eyes. Her life might have been short, but believe me she was deliriously happy and thoroughly content. You lit up her world."

David was silent for a moment or two as he assimilated what Alex had said, and the memories of his blissful life with Gwen flooded his mind and he felt again the pang of loss, but supplanting that, deep gratitude for his wife's selfless behaviour, and happiness that he had made her life so perfect. Then he sat up.

"But I don't see what this has to do with what's happened."

"You will. If I could continue?"

David nodded, his interest now piqued. Alex continued.

"Gwen was always much more mature than Celia, and fact all through those six years Celia had the maturity of a silly teenager."

"Gwen said as much when Celia left me."

"In fact Gwen always looked after Celia and for the most part kept her on the straight and narrow. Until Gary turned up. Even then-"

"She had dinner with Celia and told her what a fool she was."

"Oh, Gwen told you that. Yes. Well, Celia had her little brainstorm. You don't know this, but while she was with the footballer for some months, she knew she'd cocked up her life after about three weeks! She knew you wouldn't have her back - the way you threw her out even before she'd fucked the man showed her that.

"She grew up very quickly. She realised what she'd lost in you, and David, this is important, she's never got over you, never stopped longing for you."

David snorted. "Come off it Alex, she went back to clubbing. Gwen went with her; I remember she came home alone regularly when Celia went off with some bloke."

"Yes, you're right, though it wasn't that often. At least you're right about what it was like at first. She was looking to find someone like you and she failed every time. Eventually she gave up.

"Your wedding really crucified her, she kept control in the presence of you and Gwen, then rushed off in floods of tears. I know, because if you remember, Gwen got me to be Celia's partner for the wedding: she was worried about her. Celia and I did share a room at the hotel, and she really needed me that evening for comfort - not for sex; just a shoulder to cry on."

Siân came in at that moment with mugs of tea, then retired, smiling at their thanks. David looked expectantly at Alex, now hooked on the story.

"You wouldn't have known any difference, but after you were engaged and Gwen moved in with you, Celia's outings with Gwen were different. They'd go to pubs, her flat or to my place and sit and talk, or play cards.

"Evan's birth brought another change: Celia would visit your place during the day; she organised working on Saturdays to have a weekday off. She fell in love with Evan of course.

"Again, what you wouldn't know because Celia never let on to Gwen, was that now Celia had become quite a recluse. She would go to work and then spend each night in her flat. Our friends worried about her, and alerted me, so I would go round there of an evening. She was very depressed, and sometimes she'd ask me to stay over."

David smiled, thinking that was the beginning of their relationship.

"No, David. Most times she just wanted to be held. She wanted comfort of a friendly body with her. She used to say she never slept well when she was on her own. All right, on rare occasions she would want to make love, but always gently and softly. She needed the comfort of it. We talked a lot, and that's when she confessed that she couldn't seem to get over you.

"She'd talk most times and it was always about you, how wonderful you'd been when you were together, how happy she'd been, how stupid she was to throw it away. She'd talk of her envy of Gwen, knowing first hand what Gwen was experiencing with you, and having the love of a son, which she believed she would never know herself."

David was shocked. "I never knew... Never suspected... Truthfully I never gave her much thought. How sad!"

"Wait," Alex said. "Worse to come. She was destroyed when Gwen passed. Absolutely destroyed. She longed to go to you, to help you with the children, but of course she couldn't. She knew your attitude to her from Gwen - you know, having to avoid you, visiting when you were not there because you wouldn't meet her."

David made to interrupt, but Alex stopped him with a gesture.

"There's more. I couldn't understand why she was so distraught. Then it all came out. You'll not believe this, David. She said Gwen's death was her fault. It was as if she'd killed her."

"What!" David was understandably astounded and incredulous. "That's-"

"No, David, in a strange way she has a point. No really! She told me that if she'd not gone off with Gary you would have married her - she remembered you telling her you'd bought an engagement ring - and Gwen would never have had Beth and therefore would still be alive today."

Alex sat back looking expectantly at David.

David was speechless, indeed he was thought-less, as he tried to make sense of this new picture of Celia.

"Yes," vouched Alex. "How was I to answer that? I tried, but she was destroyed by guilt, still is. Very, very depressed."

"Even now?"

"Well, at that time you were beginning to creak a little. I could see you were on the way to a breakdown, and Celia was missing Evan terribly. She'd told me about Gwen asking her to look after your children if anything happened to her, and how guilty she felt not being able to carry out Gwen's wishes. So I got this daft idea of installing Celia as Nanny and housekeeper."

"You thought it was a stupid idea? But went ahead with it?"

"Strangely Celia said as much when I tentatively proposed the idea. I had to tell her that you were not quite ready, but it would be a way for her to heal her feeling of guilt by devoting herself to the children. Well, you know what happened. She wanted to expiate the wrong she had done by being effectively yours and the children's servant."

"So you're saying that she was punishing herself for this perceived crime by being close to me and the children, but expecting nothing from me?"

"You could put it that way, I suppose. It was partly that, partly her love for you, partly fulfilling her promise to Gwen, and I suspect mainly out of love for Evan and Beth. You see, David, her motives were and are complex, but I have to tell you from conversations with her, the last thing she was trying to do was to con you into a relationship.

"She had a faint hope that eventually you would find it in your heart to love her again - to fall in love with her again, but she was adamant she would never push it. Personally I think it was excruciatingly painful for her, being so close to you all the time and not able to have a relationship with you."

"If she was in such pain, why go on?"

"David, think. The children. And her need to punish herself. She's gained great strength of character; she's so strong willed now."

"So what's brought on all this secrecy?"

"Over the months, she's found it harder and harder to be around you. She obviously would have been delighted to have got some slight sign of love from you, but there was none, so she's begun to rely on me to sustain her.

"David, over the recent weeks I've not been out with anyone, I've been consoling Celia and giving her the strength to come back here after each of her breaks and carry on loving the children and being near you.

"I begged her more than once to let me talk to you, let you know how things were with her, but she was terrified you'd throw her out, and her one life-saver was the love of the kids. So you see, I couldn't let you know what was going on. If she had been in a full loving sexual relationship with me, she would have been satisfied - there would have been no problem, no need for secrecy. but supporting her this way..."

David felt relief. "Yes, I see. You'd have had to explain the nature of your friendship with her, and therefore how she felt about me. You were doing your best for her in the circumstances. Obviously she was fearful of admitting to me how she felt, I understand that now. I assume from time to time she slept with you."

"She slept with me, but we made love very rarely."

"Really?"

"Really! You know my sex drive, Davy, it's been agony: she's so beautiful. The thing that's surprised me is that I've had no real urge to seduce her. I've wanted to go out and get laid, with anyone! But not her. We had sex when she initiated it. Then she felt guilty that she'd been unfaithful to you."

"Good God!" David did not know whether to laugh or sympathise. "So why-"

"Why's she gone downhill? Use your brains, Davy. What's changed recently?"

David racked his brains, then it hit him. He had a picture of Celia dangling Siân's thong from one finger.

"Siân!"

"You see?" said Alex. "Siân arrives and shares your bed and any slight hope Celia might have had evaporates. She admitted to me that her outrage at your so-called incest was really desperation and despair."

"So why didn't she-"

"Davy! She'd have given herself away, and gone against her resolution; she was determined that if you ever changed your feelings for her you would have to make the first move. I think she told you that?"

"Yes, of course." David said and then had a guilty thought. "Oh, hell! Every time Siân shared my bed, Celia would change the sheets. That must have hurt!"

"She was showing her love for you, old son," Alex said. "You're right: it was agony. By the way, she's been distant and quiet with you because she's been constantly on the edge of tears, and was trying not to break down in your presence."

A silence. David felt his emotions were on overload. Then he broke the silence.

"What a mess! I bet this has put you right off getting into a steady relationship. Nothing but trouble eh?"

Alex looked thoughtful, then smiled at David. "The very reverse actually."

David was surprised, very surprised! "Get away with you! The great playboy, settling down? Tell me more!"

"Not difficult to understand. There was the relationship between you and Gwen. I saw a depth of happiness there I'd never experienced with a woman. Then I saw the love Celia had, has, for you, despite her brain-fart with the footballer, so consistent. "I saw your family life. The years are passing quickly, Davy. I'm getting older.

"Finally, I've been supporting Celia mainly without sex, (and even the sex was for her comfort), and I've discovered that I've felt more satisfaction in helping her than ever I had with those weekend flings."

David nodded with a smile. Alex continued.

"Let's face it, Davy, shallow sex is fun, but once you've had it you've got nowt next morning. Being concerned for Celia, caring for her, that warm loving feeling goes on and on.

"If I ever find a loving woman, I'll get all that warm feeling from looking after her and she looking after me, I get sex on top of that, and the sex'll say something more about us than that we just fancy each other and just enjoy getting off.

"So, don't laugh at me. Since looking after Celia, I've changed. Ok, I feel sexually frustrated, but I can deal with that."

"I'm not laughing." said David. "I hope you find her."

There was a pause, then Alex sat up.

"So where does that leave us, Davy?" Alex said with a worried frown. "Are we ok?"

"Yes, we're Ok. I couldn't understand why you weren't saying anything, why you were avoiding me: it was your support for Celia. Now I do, and I've got to say I really admire what you're doing for her."

"So what about her David? Where do you stand regarding her?"

"The great idiot's so in love with her," said Siân, as she came into the room. "He's a bit confused, but I can see it clearly. He was so jealous of you when he thought you and Celia were an item, but he couldn't see it was jealousy and really he was in love with her. Perhaps his vision is clearing?"

She gazed at David with a grin. "Go on David, admit it, you are, aren't you?"

Hearing her say it brought a new clarity to David. He knew that she was right. He had a mental picture of that evening when he returned with the family and saw the children run to her, then another of her feeding Beth in the kitchen and looking so serene.

He had to admit, Celia was home for him, which was why he felt so empty with her gone, even though Siân was there. Now he had admitted it to himself he wondered how and why he had kept aloof for so long. At the beginning it was loyalty to Gwen, but that impediment had gradually disappeared.

"She's right," said David shyly. "To begin with it was mourning Gwen, I felt I was being disloyal to her, then it sort of continued - I mean the reserve - but now... Alex, I think she needs rescuing, don't you?"

Alex stood up, fished in his pocket, and found his keys. "Key to the flat," he said, selecting one. "I'll stay here until you get back, whenever that is." He gave David a significant look, a look that said, 'as long as it takes.'

"In a minute!" David said: he had an idea. Later he was to think it was one of the most inspired he had ever had - apart from asking Gwen to marry him. To Alex's surprise he left the room and ran upstairs. There was a short pause then he clattered down again, smiling and flushed.

"Right!" he said cheerfully. "Found it. Ready."

David took the flat key and hugged Alex.

Siân stood there with a wide smile. "At last!" she said. "Go get her Cariad!" and hugged him, then gave him a blistering kiss.

"Thanks so much Siân," he said. "You're a wise woman!"

to be concluded