Going on Thirty

"Maybe," Freddy said defensively. "It's obvious you do, too. I can't blame you, though. I mean, she is pretty hot, right? But could you just this one time maybe give me a little space? Is that asking too much?"

Dan genuinely felt like shit as Freddy'd given no indication he liked her let alone found her attractive. Dan didn't find her unattractive, she just wasn't someone he would ever look at twice, let alone ask out.

"No, you're right, man. She is a very nice-looking woman, and I honestly had no idea you were interested. As much as I like her, I'm not gonna get in my best friend's way," he said as convincingly as possible.

Freddy finally looked at him and then smiled.

"Thanks, bro. But don't hesitate to put in a good word for me if you get the chance, okay?" Freddy asked hopefully. "I mean, an endorsement from you would go a long way."

"Will do...bro," Dan assured him. "Hey, you might want consider getting that mop on your head trimmed up and maybe even get your shirts pressed if you're gonna make a play. She's a pretty sophisticated woman, right?"

Dan didn't tell him he should try washing his shirt's first.

"Yeah. You're right. Ms. Simmons is a classy kind of lady, isn't she?"

Dan had a very different opinion of her so all he said was, "You want to make a good impression, right?"

The next bell rang and Freddy hurried off saying, "I do. Hey, thanks for the support, bro. Oh, and the advice!"

"Go get 'em, big guy!" Dan said as he headed toward his room still surprised he had no idea Freddy even liked their guidance counselor.

That afternoon, Dan mustered all of his willpower and forced himself not to look at his first-ever student crush as he began explaining the concept of 'limits'.

"In mathematics, a limit is the value that a function or sequence 'approaches' as the input or index approaches some value. Limits are essential to calculus, and are used to define continuity, derivatives, and integrals," he began.

Each time he went over a concept, he asked if there were questions. The only student who didn't have one was Kimber.

"Okay, so please do all of the odd-number problems for tomorrow. If you need help, the even-numbered problems have step-by-step walk-throughs."

After the bell Kimber again lingered after the other students left. Forced to finally look at her Dan asked if he could help her with something.

"Have I said or done to something to offend you, Mr. Snyder?" she asked sincerely.

"No. Of course not. Why would you ask such a question?"

"There aren't very many students in 5th period and yet you never once looked at me. I couldn't help but notice you not only made eye contact with everyone else, but you also addressed each of them by name. Am I being paranoid or was that really just coincidental?"

He could 'feel' the hurt in her voice and see it in her eyes.

"That made me wonder if I'd somehow offended you even though I keep coming up blank no matter how hard I try to think of what it is I might have done."

Dan exhaled slowly the said, "No. Not at all, Kimber. I've just had a lot on my mind lately and something's been distracting me. But please believe me when I tell you you haven't done anything wrong."

"Okay," she said politely.

As she had the day before, Kimber started to walk away then stopped and said, "I don't have any friends my own age, and I don't really relate to them well. I won't ask again, but I really would enjoy talking to you about my internship or...anything else for that matter."

Her smile wasn't nearly as bright and Dan could sense she honestly believed she'd done something to upset him. How could he tell her that her presence alone was the cause of so much consternation?

Before he could stop himself Dan said, "I don't suppose a cup of coffee would be violating any rules."

"Are you sure?" Kimber asked hopefully.

"Is Saturday morning okay?" he asked even as his brain screamed at him not to.

"That's actually my favorite time of the week. I'm up crazy early so I get there at 6:30 when it opens. But you don't need to..."

Dan was also an early riser and said, "That's no problem at all. I'll um...see you then, and I really am looking forward to hearing about your experiences."

"I'm excited to share them with you," she told him. "Oh, um...just in case you're wondering, please know I am fully aware that you're my teacher, Mr. Snyder."

She smiled again then told him, "And also please know I never, ever...talk out of school."

He sat there once again asking how in God's name he'd taken this next step and yet he somehow found her assurance of discretion very comforting. His brain was still yelling loudly, but it was no longer screaming.

Dan didn't sleep much Friday night and was up at 4:30 and out for a run by 5am Saturday morning. He was a strong runner for someone his age and finished a four-mile course in a very respectable 27:09. It was just what he'd needed to clear his head and break free of his obsession.

By the time he'd showered and dressed, he felt like he was back in control. He'd have a cup of coffee, listen supportively, then excuse himself and that would be that.

It was 6:35 when he arrived and Kim was just sitting down with a first cup of coffee when she looked up and noticed him.

She waved at the barista and said, "Hector? Put his on my tab, okay?"

The older man flashed a thumb's up then asked, "What can I get you, señor?"

"A regular coffee. Black, por favor."

The weather hadn't turned cold yet although the mornings were already on the cool side. Dan did his best not to stare when he saw Kim in a pale yellow dress with a short-waisted, green cardigan sweater, suntan hose or stockings, and yet another pair of very sexy heels. He thought they were taupe-colored pumps but didn't dare stare. She also wore a simple gold chain with a pendant and her normal, minimal amount of makeup.

"You look very nice for..."

He glanced at his watch before continuing, "Six forty-one in the morning."

"Well, thank you for saying that," she replied, her eyes sparkling with happiness.

"You look rather good yourself," she told him pleasantly.

"I'm a hopeless preppy," he told her as he sat across from her. "Or so I've been told for as long as I can remember."

"I fully understand clothes don't make the man...or woman...but I see nothing wrong with looking one's best whenever possible," she said pleasantly.

Kimber smiled then said, "You never know whom you might meet, right?"

Her smile was infectious as was the boundless optimism she seemed to radiate. Dan had to remind himself of his agenda then smiled back as he replied.

"I couldn't agree more. I've not only been called 'preppy' more times than I care to remember, but I've also been called 'shallow' by women when I try and explain how I feel about, well, looking my best."

"I not only won't call you shallow, Mr. Snyder, rest assured I concur wholeheartedly."

"You're a most unusual young lady, Ms. Clymer," he said before taking a first sip.

"Should I be feeling paranoid again?" she asked still smiling happily.

"No. Definitely not. I only meant that I've never met a student like you before."

"Um...that's not helping, My. Snyder," she said sweetly.

Realizing how that must have sounded, Dan tried to recover.

"I meant that in the most positive way possible, Kimber. In fact, I don't think I've ever met a woman of any age as fascin..."

Dan suddenly stopped talking then said, "Why don't you tell me about this paid internship. That, I'm sure will be fascinating."

"Now I almost feel guilty for asking you to let me talk about the internship—not that I couldn't summarize it rather succinctly. It's more that it's tied to many other very personal things and could take quite a while. So...would you prefer the sort version or the long one?"

Kimber was still smiling, but her eyes were different. They seemed...sad. Dan saw her blink a couple of times then say, "Mr. Snyder?"

"Oh, yes. I'm sorry Kimber."

"Sorry? For what?" she asked unaware his mind was already drifting.

Ignoring her question, he told her, "Kimber is such a beautiful name which seems fitting for such a..."

Once again, Dan stopped before going down another wrong road.

"Sorry," he said again. "Um...I have time, Kimber, so if you don't mind, the long version would be fine."

"Don't say I didn't warn you, Mr. Snyder," she said sweetly. "And feel free to stop me or hurry me up at any time."

She took a sip then began by saying, "I guess I've always been a good student. School has always easy for me. I was one of those weird kids who loved going to school. I also loved going home because I had the most wonderful parents who loved one another very much and who also loved me. I felt like my life was as close to perfect as it gets although, like most kids, I suppose I took it for granted most of the time. Anyway, we had didn't have a lot of money, but we did have a nice home, and what seemed like an endless supply of love."

She'd been looking at then looked down into her coffee cup before continuing.

"I'd even started dating and really liked one of the guys I went out with. Oh, I didn't dress—or look—like this at all back then. I was quite a bit heavier and didn't really care about such things."

She took another a sip of coffee then continued.

"I honestly worshipped my dad and idolized my mother. He was so loving and caring and funny. My father was ten years older than my mom, and they married the summer after she graduated from high school and never regretted it. My mom was thin and beautiful and my very best friend."

Kimber smiled and with a voice filled with nostalgia said, "My mom used to say marrying my father when she was so young gave her more time to keep falling deeper in love with him."

Dan saw her blink back a tear and she saw his concern.

"No, it's fine. I'm okay. Really," she assured him.

She drew a deep breath then continued. "All that changed during the summer after my junior year—a little over a year ago."

"Ms. Simmons told me you lost your parents, Kimber. I am so very sorry," Dan told her.

"Thank you. Me, too," she said fighting not to lose control.

"Anyway, my life was pretty amazing until my parents were coming home from a romantic anniversary dinner in early August. A semi driver fell asleep at the wheel, crossed the median and hit the car in the front left. My dad died instantly, but my mom survived. She survived, but she...didn't live."

Kimber went on to explain how she was both paralyzed and in a vegetative state until she passed away.

"That's when reading became my passion. I've always enjoyed it, but I read for hours every day for months as I stayed with my mom. I'd sit there and hold her hand. I'd even read out loud quite often. You know, just in case she could hear me. The long-term care facility even set up a bed for me. I only went home to shower once a day, but sometime after about three months there was an eviction notice on the door. I had no one to turn to except my grandmother up here, and she struggles with mild dementia so...they eventually foreclosed on the house and one of the nurses sort of adopted me and let me stay with he. She helped me file for emancipation, too, as I wasn't about to go into foster care or let my grandmother become my legal guardian."

Kimber smiled then said, "I wasn't always this thin, either. And no, I'm not anorexic. I just couldn't eat much, and food still has little appeal."

She took a sip then smiling added, "Unlike coffee."

"You drink yours black, too, I see."

"Oh, yes. I like the taste of coffee, not cream and sugar," she said politely.

Kimber swallowed another sip then continued speaking.

"I read well over a hundred books the seven months I stayed with my mom until she passed away. I read novels, classics, and anything that interested me. Mostly though, I was searching for answers. I read whatever I could about the meaning of life, God, religion, Intelligent Design, evolution, or anything related to those topics."

"Did you reach any conclusions?" Dan asked.

"I did," she told him. "The existence of God or the supernatural can neither be proven nor disproven. And yet as I watched my own mother slipping away a little more each day, the idea of a 'Helper' seemed more and more absurd. I realized that just like claims of alien abductions or that Big Foot exists, there was no evidence whatsoever for the existence of God or miracles. It doesn't matter that millions of people claim something is true, what matters is evidence and the only 'evidence' anyone offered was either Bible verses or personal experiences and anecdotal stories. You know, the kind of things no one can examine or test. So now I remain skeptical of any claim until after there's evidence to believe it, be it some deity or a some kind of really big monster."

Dan was listening carefully to every word and told her he agreed with her completely before saying, "I enjoy hiking and have to admit I've never seen Sasquatch. But hey, maybe he's moved further up north."

Kimber laughed and said, "I like your sense of humor, Mr. Snyder."

She then moved on and talked about her 60-day internship and an offer to come back after she got her BS in chemistry.

"That's truly incredible," he told her sincerely.

"I'm convinced I was selected because of what happened to my parents. Yes, I did have a 4.0 GPA as you jokingly referred to in the cafeteria, but I was almost certainly not the most qualified candidate," Kimber told him.

"Maybe there is a 'Helper' looking out for you," Dan teased.

"Maybe, but it seems much more likely it was a human being named Dr. Allison Carter who made several phone calls on my behalf. And if there is a 'Helper', why the hell didn't he/she/it 'help' out before my parents got crushed like bugs?"

Dan knew her question was rhetorical and didn't reply.

"Anyway, after going through that, I decided I no longer cared what anyone thought about me except for myself, and since I loved the way my mother looked and dressed, I decided to copy her style with a few little modifications of my own."

Kimber was smiling happily again the said, "Oh, there's one more thing, too."

"I'm listening," Dan told her. He found her story heartbreaking, compelling, and inspiring all at once.

"I realized life is short; that there are no guarantees—except for death, of course—and that love matters more than anything else."

Dan knew he shouldn't ask, but his heart was breaking for this young woman who'd been through so much.

"Kimber? Is there anyone in your life to love you?" he asked anyway.

"Sadly, no. I mean, my grandmother tries, but I find myself caring for her more than she does for me."

"I am so very sorry," Dan told her again as sincerely as he could.

"We can't control what life brings us, Mr. Snyder. We can only control how we react to it."

Dan smiled weakly then said, "Is it possible you really are going on thirty?"

"Like all the girls at school say I am?" she asked sweetly. "They're not bad people. I know that. They just haven't been thrown one curve ball after the other. In time, they'll get it, too. I just hope it isn't from going through what I did. The easy way really is preferable."

Kimber took another sip then said, "That's pretty much my story and you're still awake at least, so..."

"No, it was not only very interesting, it was...inspiring. I don't think I've ever met anyone quite like you before, Ms. Clymer," Dan said as she sat there looking into his eyes.

"I could just as easily say the same about you, Mr. Snyder. I can't remember the last time I was able to carry on an intellectual discussion with someone."

"I'm afraid I had very little to contribute, but I am very happy you trusted me enough to share something so deeply personal with me, Kimber. That means a lot to me."

Dan smiled then said, "Mr. Thomas and I have been best friends since college and although he knows more about history than anyone I know, no one would ever accuse him of being an intellectual."

Kimber laughed hard enough that she covered her mouth.

"He seems like a very sweet man," Kimber said.

"Hmmm. That's another word no one but his mother has ever used to describe him."

Kimber laughed again then said, "You are such a nice person, Mr. Snyder. A part of me wishes that, you know...circumstances were different."

Dan's body released a huge shot of adrenaline when her words registered with his brain.

"Circumstances?" he repeated. His mouth suddenly felt very dry like it was full of cotton.

"Yes. Circumstances. As much as a career interests me, there is nothing I want more in life than a loving husband and children. I've never dated an older man, but I would be more than eager to try—with the right older man, of course. I mean, it worked out quite well for my parents, so I wouldn't be the least bit afraid of doing so."

Kimber looked away for a moment then smiled sweetly then told him, "So if the circumstances were different. Were I not one of your students. And were you to ever ask me, I would enthusiastically say 'yes'. But I am your student, and I'm also assuming, of course, or possibly engaging in some adolescent wishful thinking, that a man as attractive and intelligent as you would even consider dating a girl my age, so..."

Kimber saw Dan looking at her but she sensed something was wrong.

"I sincerely apologize. I have no idea why I just said those things, Mr. Snyder. I suppose I got so caught up being here with you that I forgot who you are and why that's not possible. I'll ask Ms. Simmons to move me to a different class on Monday. "

She reached for her purse then said, "I'll go pay Hector and leave you alone. I really am sorry, Mr. Snyder."

Kimber slid out of her seat and as she walked passed him, Dan said, "Kimber. Wait. Please don't leave."

He looked up at her and suddenly felt very small and almost childlike as he looked up into her eyes."

"I...I've never dated a student before, Kimber. In fact, I've never even done anything inappropriate."

"Loving someone isn't inappropriate, Mr. Snyder, and society doesn't always get it right. I'm legally an adult, and I don't think it's an exaggeration to say I've experienced as much as many people do in a lifetime. I know who I am and what I want. And when I said I never 'talk out of school' I meant that sincerely. So yes, I am 18, but I can't argue or even take offense with those who claim I'm 'going on 30'."

This time Dan wanted to speak, but his voice failed him. He just sat there helplessly looking up into her beautiful eyes as she looked down at him.

"So I guess I'll see you in class on Monday then unless I can get transferred first thing," she said still waiting for him to speak. "I...really am sorry for being so...so foolish and childish and inappropriate."

"Um...yes. I'll...I'll see you then, Kimber," he replied barely able to speak.

And with that she was gone and once again, but for very different reasons, Daniel Snyder was asking himself what in the hell had just happened. He didn't need a degree in math to understand it was impossible to square a circle. It also didn't matter that the attraction he felt for Kimber was most likely a vicious form of infatuation; one still fraught with peril. His feelings were real and the understanding he could never act on them was the most difficult problem he'd ever encountered.

The rest of the weekend and the next several weeks passed by more slowly than Dan could ever remember. Kimber was unable to change classes, and every day was filled with a conflation of hope and anxiety. The hope was the thought of seeing her that day—before school, in class, or a stolen glimpse as she passed by in the hall. The anxiety came from wanting to tell her how he felt while knowing he didn't dare while wondering how she really felt about him or if she still felt anything at all.