Gold for Plastic Ch. 02

But as good as it made me feel to be with her, I was struck that I'd felt this way before and found it more than a little disturbing that if I really fell in love with her, I'd be extremely vulnerable to more heartbreak. I wanted to be with her, but I had to protect myself. I had admonished myself that I couldn't surrender to my feelings and to her until I was sure she'd give herself over to me.. I wouldn't expose my freshly healed wounds to another emotional trauma.

When I took her home, she invited me in for some coffee, and we talked for a half hour or so before we started to kiss. After necking for a few minutes, things started getting very, very warm. The kisses became more desperate and I found myself running my hands over her butt, pulling her closer to me. That led to a hand slipping under her shirt and then under her bra to feel her full breast, soft and smooth with a hardening nipple at the center. She was breathing very heavy at that point and one of her hands had slipped to my crotch, pushing and rubbing me through my pants and now my self-made promises to go slow were being overwhelmed by my desire for her. My hand slipped from her breast to the waist of her pants and below, finding the edge of her panties and then a small tuft of hair and then soft, pliable, spongy wet folds. As I cupped my hand around her sex, I looked in her eyes and saw that she wanted me and that she would put up no effort to stop me. But I also saw just a hint of fear, a slight worry and I was suddenly reminded that I was entering very dangerous territory. Despite my pounding heart and poorly controlled lust, I abruptly pulled my hand out of her pants and leaned back away from her.

"Leanne, I...maybe I better go."

Her look was a strange combination of disappointment and relief. "Why Matt? Is something wrong? "

"Look, I don't think I can really keep myself under control and things are....things are going fast here. Faster than they should. I think, maybe.....we should slow down."

Her slow, lazy smile spread across her face and then she laughed. "Isn't that the line the girl is supposed to use? Are we playing a role reversal game? Should I tell you it will be ok and I'll respect you in the morning?"

That made me laugh. "I guess most guys don't turn this sort of thing down very often, do they?'

She kept smiling. "Not unless they're gay. You're not gay are you Matt?" She laughed again.

"No Leanne, I'm not gay and I think the tent in my pants should be exhibit number one against that idea." I was smiling, but I could tell she wanted some sort of explanation, some idea of where I was coming from. I bit my lip, trying to find the right words to explain my situation.

"Here's the problem for me. I don't think that I'm....." I couldn't think of how to finish, so she tried to help.

"You don't think you're ready to have sex yet after your divorce? Is that it Matt?"

"No, no, I've had a lot of sex, that's not it at all..." I stopped suddenly because she was frowning and I'd obviously said exactly the wrong thing. I started to sputter a little to try and correct my mistake. "Wait, that didn't come out right. What I meant to say is I've had sex with a few girls, recreational sex, meaningless sex, since I started dating. And....and, I don't think I can do that with you. I can't have casual sex with you because my feelings aren't....they aren't casual."

I was beet red both with embarrassment from the clumsy way I'd described my recent sexual activity and how I'd further revealed how I felt about her. I looked at her earnestly, hoping she could grasp what I was trying to say, hoping I wouldn't have to say more.

She stopped frowning, but still had a puzzled look about her. "Are you afraid of having a relationship with me? Of having something that's not casual? Is that it?"

I shook my head slowly; she still wasn't quite getting it.

"That's not really it, no. It' tough to get across what I'm feeling." I was talking deliberately now, choosing my words carefully.

"I really want to be with you, in every way and all the time. I want that desperately, but I know, because of your situation with....with Danny, that can't happen right now. I understand that. I do. But the way I feel about you, sex with you would be....would signal a....a commitment on my part. I wouldn't, I can't make love with you casually. It has to be in the context of a commitment. It could only happen if I could commit myself to you and that can only happen if you get to a place where you could commit yourself to me. Does that make sense? Do you understand what I'm driving at?"

Now she smiled, broadly, genuinely. She put her hands on the sides of my face, pulled me to her and gave me a long, romantic kiss.

"I understand, I think, Matt. Sex with me would be an expression of love and a promise of.....fidelity. And you can't do that right now, because I can't make that promise. Is that it?"

I took a deep breath, feeling a sense of relief. "That's it Leanne. That's it exactly."



Over the next few months I saw Leanne as much as I could, working my time in around her days and nights with Danny. We had a lot of fun and we were getting closer. In the back of my mind, I knew I was playing with emotional fire, risking another heartbreak, but I was also happier than I'd been in a long, long time. Maybe the smart play would have been to back off until she was through with Danny, but, at that point, I couldn't bring myself to even consider that option.

Things were fine until July when a 3 day weekend that included the 4th was coming up. We hadn't made any official plans, but we'd talked and I had assumed we'd get together again. I'd called her a couple of times during the week just to talk and had agreed we'd play the coming weekend by ear.

But, on Friday afternoon, I gave her a call to find out what time I could pick her up and I could tell right away that our plans to get together were in trouble. She hesitated a lot when I asked what she felt like doing and it was obvious she had some bad news that she didn't want to break. When she finally came out with it, I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. Danny had surprised her the night before with an invitation to go to Vegas. They were leaving for the weekend right after work and wouldn't be back until late Monday night. She tried to be reassuring and I tried to be gracious, but I'm sure a little bitterness came through. How can you not be at least a little unpleasant when the woman you're falling in love with announces she's going on vacation for a few days with another guy?

It was a bad weekend for me and I tried to make the time pass by hanging out with friends, but mostly I was an emotional zombie and it seemed, for the most part, like my life was simply unraveling again. I felt alone and abandoned and with a sense that it wouldn't get better, imagining what they were doing, gambling, having dinner, walking hand in hand, having sex, getting closer. The images I was conjuring were eating away at me and turning my dark mood midnight black.

On Saturday night, I had a dream. I was in a hotel in Las Vegas, walking down a hallway, identical to the one in Gabriel's mansion, with rooms on either side. I'd opened several doors, looking for Leanne, but hadn't been able to find her. As I approached a final door, I could hear the sounds of sex, moaning, murmuring, gentle slurping noises, and with a trembling hand, turned the knob and went in. I was struck by a vision that I'd seen before. A woman, her sweaty back to me, astride a man, smoothly and enthusiastically riding him, her hair wildly draping his face as she bent down to kiss him. The lights went on and she rolled off him. It was Leanne, and she was riding Danny, but he looked like Palmer. She smiled at me and laughed. "Sorry Matt, but you're just not enough to take care of a woman by yourself." She turned back to Danny, my heart exploded and I woke up in a start, sweating and breathing like a panting dog in summer.

Sunday morning, staring at the ceiling in my bedroom, I realized reluctantly, that chasing Leanne was now making me almost as miserable as I had been at the time of my divorce. I had to stop the bleeding and move on. I couldn't afford the emotional price I knew that I'd pay if I allowed myself to fall completely in love with a woman, only to lose her to another man again. If I couldn't control how she felt or acted, at least I could control how I did. I had to put a tourniquet on the relationship.

She called me late Monday night when she got back, but I didn't answer then or when she called a couple of times on Tuesday. I suppose I was being a coward, because I didn't want to tell her of my decision, but I made myself talk to her on Wednesday.

"Hey, Matt, I've been trying to get a hold of you. Is everything ok?"

I was cautious and circumspect in my answers. "Yea, everything's fine. How was Vegas?"

She didn't answer right away, and I suspected she was formulating the appropriate reply, something truthful that wouldn't hurt me too much.

"It was fun. Some gambling, dinner. Caught a couple of shows, that sort of thing. Not the greatest time of year to go to Vegas, though. It was really hot."

The conversation continued on, but I wasn't being very talkative. I think she was waiting for something, maybe an invitation to see her, but I wasn't offering. Finally she asked when we could meet up for a date or just to spend some time together.

I took in a deep breath. "Well Leanne, I don't know. I think maybe it would be a good idea if we stepped back some. Maybe gave each other some room."

I heard her gasp quietly over the phone. Her voice was trembling a little. "Why Matt?"

"Leanne, look, I guess I don't feel comfortable continuing on like we have been. I had a really shitty weekend and the truth is I just don't think I can take a lot of that sort of thing at this point in my life. I've had a lot of heartache over the last few years and I can do without it." I heard sniffles and a little cough.

"I see. So, are you just mad at me for going to Vegas? I'm sorry it was last minute; I didn't know what to do. Danny had already bought the tickets and I...."

"Leanne, it's not really just about you going away for the weekend." I interrupted. "It's that the trip finally brought the reality of your relationship with Danny into sharp focus for me. I guess....I guess I've been kidding myself, ignoring the fact that you have a pretty intense relationship with another guy; intense enough to fly away for a weekend vacation. And now, now I'm not....kidding myself."

I went on. "I guess I thought you were in a relationship that was dying out, something that was casual enough that I could live with. But thinking back over the last few weeks and about the trip I can see that just isn't the case. I can see that the two of you are making a pretty strong effort to try and move forward. Which is fine, it's great, I'm in no position to complain since....since I knew about it when we started going out and I went into it with both eyes open. You didn't hide anything or cheat. But, still, I guess I maybe got the wrong idea and I'm finding that being the 'other guy' isn't really good for me right now, so I have to back off. Think about it Leanne, this will probably will be good for you too. You won't have to juggle your schedules or make excuses and I won't be some sort of obstacle in the way of you and Danny."

She'd been listening to me, letting me talk, breathing raggedly in a way that sounded like she was trying to suppress a sob. Finally, when I stopped she said. "Is that what you think? That you're some sort of obstacle? That you were just some 'other guy' that I was using for fun or something? When we were together what did I do to give you that impression? "

"I don't know Leanne. I don't know what you think of me or us. So, tell me, please, what exactly am I to you? Because, honestly, I can't figure it out."

She started to cry. "I was trying to find out Matt. I...I...thought we were trying to find out what we were. What we could become."

My heart went out to her because she sounded so distressed, but I reminded myself of what this conversation was supposed to be about and so I restated my case. "Look, I'm not trying to be a jerk, or give some sort of ultimatum or make you feel bad, but I can't keep doing this right now. Like I said, I think it would be best for both of us to simplify what's going on and, realistically, that means you and I have to back off each other. If we do, I won't hurt so much and you won't have to work around me while you try to sort things out with Danny."

Leanne sniffled some more. "I guess I didn't know you were hurting that bad, Matt."

"I was." I said.

"I am." I thought as I said goodbye and hung up the phone.



The next few weeks I did my best to get buried in work. I'd gotten another fairly significant assignment that was requiring a lot of time and concentration and I was grateful for the distraction. It helped the days pass a little more smoothly and, getting home late, made the nights a little shorter. On weekends, I sought out my friends to hang out with and tried not to be Mr. Gloomy.

Julie and Sally were pretty sympathetic, although they gave me a hard time at first. Julie seemed to think I shouldn't think about giving up, that if I waited, her relationship with Danny would almost certainly crater and we'd eventually be great for each other. I expressed my doubts that she'd be getting over Danny soon, or ever. I made it pretty clear that staying away was pretty tough on me and that I had no hard feelings for her but I just couldn't pay the emotional price to keep pursuing her. I remember Julie saying "the price of regret is pretty high too" under her breath.

So there it was again. Lonely at night, hurting, thinking about a woman I cared deeply about who was spending her time with another man, trying to salve the pain by working hard and pretending that rooting for my favorite baseball team and playing video games was enough to keep me happy when I was home. I was miserable.

One night, around a month into this, I was woken out of a dead sleep by the sound of my cell phone going off. I looked at the clock, saw that it was 2a.m. and rolled over without answering. But, I started obsessing that, at that hour, it might be something really critical, maybe my Mom or Dad was sick or something, and so picked up the phone and saw I had a text. It was from Leanne and it was a very simple message.

"I really miss you."

I must have looked at the words for 20 minutes, thinking about her, wondering what she was doing and why she texted me now, in the middle of the night. I imagined that she was having a rough night and that she must be really in need of a friend. Suddenly this self-imposed exile didn't make a lot of sense to me. I was lonely and unhappy and obsessed with her, and she wanted to be with me enough to send that text at that hour. She hadn't betrayed me; she just couldn't give me the reassurance that I needed as I allowed myself to become more attached to her. I texted her back.

"I miss you too."

The next day, I gave her a call and, after a few awkward moments, we were talking as if nothing had happened. We talked and texted off and on during the week and I finally asked her out to dinner. That led to more dates and more time together and it wasn't long before we were spending several nights a week with each other. She was still seeing Danny, but her dates with him were becoming very sporadic and she actually cancelled on him a couple of times to be with me.

By now it was mid-September and we had a Friday night date for dinner and a last outdoor concert before the summer completely died. After the concert, we walked through the park, holding hands, talking, laughing and kissing. Sometime around midnight, we went to an all-night coffee shop and had desert, holding hands across the table, unable to take our eyes off each other, the conversation never lagging, even for a moment. Eventually it got so late that the date had to end, but neither of us wanted say goodnight. I desperately wanted to take her home, but knew if I did we'd almost certainly fall into bed together and, without a firm commitment from her to be exclusive, I felt it would still be a mistake to make myself too vulnerable.

She was disappointed when I told her I'd better take her home, but she made me swear that we'd see each other later in the day, since it was already early Saturday morning. It wasn't a hard promise to make.



Leanne took the earliest possible opportunity to cash in on my promise by showing up unexpectedly around 8 in the morning, laughing at me as I answered the door in an old robe, unshaven and with bed head, announcing that she was going to start the day right. She said she wanted to show off her cooking skills and, while I showered and shaved, she made a couple of omelets and some hash browns. We had an animated talk over breakfast and argued playfully about what we should do that morning. Ultimately we decided to visit the planetarium and spent the morning and part of the afternoon watching presentations about the stars and the planets.

Around mid-day, we grabbed a small lunch at a nearby sandwich shop and then took a little walk in a neighborhood park. The conversation there lagged a bit and, in the quiet, I saw Leanne bite her lip, thinking about something she evidently wanted to say. Her hesitation worried me, because I didn't want to hear anything difficult.

"Matt, I need to tell you something." She started.

"Do I want to hear this?" I choked out.

She looked thoughtful. "Some of it, probably not. But I think I need to tell you about....about..." She stopped, evidently trying to find the right words; my heart was going a million miles an hour.

She started again. "Look Matt, you never asked about what I was doing with Danny on our dates, you know, physically. And I appreciate that, it was polite and talking about it would have been--actually is-- pretty uncomfortable. But, I want you to know that....that we didn't sleep together very often. Maybe once or twice a month, at most, since you and I have been seeing each other."

Hearing her talk about sleeping with Danny, even if it was infrequent, hurt, but I was breathing easier now. I didn't want to hear about her having sex with Danny, but what she was saying was a lot easier to hear than what I was most worried about--that she'd decided to be with Danny exclusively. She was looking right at me now, her eyes meeting mine.

"The other thing is, that, the last couple of times, even before Vegas, I really felt like....like I was cheating. Like I shouldn't be in bed with him, that I shouldn't do that to you. That night...the night I texted you, Danny had come on pretty strong and I just couldn't do it, I had to say no. He got a little mad and I asked him to leave and he did, but he was pretty upset. All I could think about was how I really wanted you there to hold me and make it better. I wanted to be with you and, even if I couldn't, I wasn't going to cheat on you."

I was breathing easier now. Her 'confession' was a relief to me and, like magic, my mood had brightened, I was smiling and was actually feeling a little giddy.

"Matt, one other thing, and I know it's none of my business...." She stopped, biting her lower lip in uncertainty, looking, somehow, like she wanted me to rescue her or something. Stupidly, though, I had no idea what she was trying to say. "What?" is all I could get out.

She turned red and continued. "I know you had a lot of....girlfriends before me and I wanted to know if, well since we've been going out, have you....."

I got it now, but the impishly mean part of me wanted her to squirm just a little, she was cute when she squirmed.