Gonad the Barbarian

Early the next morning, the young men were up before the sun, and after a quick bite to eat, Huggar had them take up their spears. Wishing them luck, he shooed them away on their quest. Dawn found the group a couple of miles from Piss House, searching the ground for signs of the elusive snow rabbits.

"Gonad, you certainly are looking down," remarked Oluff, "what's wrong?"

"I don't see much that's right!" Gonad growled. "Here we are trudging through the snow, on what should be the hunt of a lifetime, and what for—bunny rabbits! What we should be hunting is a cave bear."

"Have you ever seen one of those buggers?" asked Belun, son of the earthenware maker and the brother of Elun. "They're big, ugly, and they have long, sharp claws and teeth."

"Belun's right," Oluff nodded. "Cave bears are mean. Why one of those beasts could smash you flat in the blink of an eye. If the thing didn't end up eating you, it would leave you lying in the snow, nothing more that a crimson pile of goo."

"With guts hanging out," added Ruff, "don't forget about the guts hanging out."

"But the Uthenuth tribe's young men go out on bear hunts," protested Gonad.

"Gonad, the Uthenuth tribe has only 827 people in it," Oluff responded, "and our tribe has 4799. The reason that we have so many more people is—we don't hunt bears, nor do we do any of the other, thousand and one, dangerous things that they do. Sometimes, a little caution and good sense, can keep a person alive for a long time."

"Let's change the subject," one of the other boys nervously said.

"Yes, like why old Huggar wouldn't tell us about how babies are made," said Utagg, "I don't want to wait to find out about it from some girl, I want to know now."

"Well, I think I know," Ruff sheepishly said.

"What do you mean?" asked Gonad, "Why haven't you said anything about it before?"

"Come on, Gonad," Ruff pleaded, "a guy can get in a lot of trouble talking about something like that."

"Yeah, but we're your pals," Oluff added.

"Exactly, and that is why I'm saying something now," nodded Ruff. "I mean we're all sworn to secrecy during this hunt—right? So, I'll tell you what I know, but none of you can tell anyone outside of this group."

"Okay," agreed Gonad, "what is it you know."

"I think, my dad makes my mom have the baby," Ruff sagely said. "It all starts when my dad comes up and bites my mom on the lips. Then, they go in the other room, close the door, and start make funny noises."

"That's no news, my parents do that too," Belun remarked.

"My parents do it too—a lot," added Utagg.

"Yes, but I've listened at their door, and I found out what they are doing in their room," insisted Ruff. "They are fighting about having a baby. My dad tries to get my mom to eat some sort of seed that will grow a baby in her belly. One time, I heard my dad say, 'There, my gal, you have my seed!' Then another time I heard my mom say, 'Well, all right I'll put it in my mouth, but I'm not going to swallow!' I don't know what kind of plant it is—where my dad gets his seeds from—but that is how babies are made."

"Humm!" said Gonad; "it makes sense. Girls must know what plants make babies, but won't tell until after they are married."

"Rabbit!" one of the boys shouted, pointing toward a bounding white blur in the distance. Further discussion about babies was pushed to the side, as the group rushed forward in hot pursuit of their prey.

By midday everyone, with the exception of Belun, had managed to bag a rabbit. Belun was poking his spear in and out of a hole, when suddenly he screamed and began rolling wildly in the snow. He managed to stagger to his feet, ran a few yards and fell again into the snow.

"Gosh!" Utagg's eyes went wide, as he watched Belun floundering about, "what happened to him?"

Gonad went running toward his fallen classmate. When Gonad was about thirty yards from the hole, where Belun's spear still quivered, he suddenly came to a stop and waved to his friends not to approach.

"Skunk—the fool was poking around in a skunk's burrow!" gasped Gonad. Then, turned back to Belun and yelled, "Keep rolling in the snow. Try to get as much of the stink off you as possible."

Belun followed Gonad's advice, but after half an hour, he collapsed from the effort. The others came forward, toward the unmoving Belun, but they stopped while they were still many yards away from him.

"Ugg!" spat Oluff; "He smells so bad I think I'm going loose my lunch."

"We haven't had lunch," Ruff reminded him.

"Then, I'm going to lose what I don't have," Oluff said as he backed away gagging.

"Well, I guess that puts an end to this hunt!" Utagg said in disgust. "We can't go on with him smelling that bad!"

"Aww, come on follows," cried Belun sitting up, "have a heart! I've just got to get my rabbit, or I'll never get my manhood!"

"You smell more like a skunk than a man," Gonad laughed, "but you can have my rabbit, if you take it and leave. I'll go find myself another."

"I don't know," Ruff looked at Gonad, "is that allowed?"

"Huggar never said that it wasn't allowed," Gonad pointed out, "and what Huggar hasn't said isn't allowed, must be allowed—or something. Remember, we are all sworn to secrecy—no one has to know that Belun didn't get a rabbit."

"Gonad, look at that sky," Utagg pointed upward. "There is a storm coming and coming fast. I don't think we should wait around to get another rabbit. As it is, we won't be back at Piss House before the storm hits."

"I agree," nodded Gonad, "you guys take the rabbits and head back. I'll get another rabbit and be right with you."

"Do you think that's wise?" asked Ruff. "I don't think we should split up."

"Nonsense," Gonad replied, "I can find a little bunny in no time. You fellows get Belun back to Piss House. Get him bathed, and I'll be along before you can get dinner started."

Although it was against their better judgement, the rest of the group began walking back toward Piss House, with Belun following a safe distance behind them. Gonad watched them until they were out of sight, and then he began to hunt. Before Gonad had gone very far, snow began falling, and by the time he had bagged his rabbit the snow was falling heavily.

As the storm continued to increase in fury, Gonad began to trudge back to Piss House. Before long, he could hear the voice of the Frigid Ice Queen howling above the wind. The hairs on the back of Gonad's neck stood up, and a pang of fear shot up and down his spine. Tales of the Frigid Ice Queen, and her terrible brothers, were the stuff of legends told during the long winter nights—and none of those tales were pleasant. A horrible fate awaited any unwary winter traveler, unlucky enough to fall into the clutches of the Frigid Ice Queen and her brothers.

Gonad began to jog through the snow, but had only gone a few feet when, through the swirling blizzard, he saw something, half obscured by the falling snow, standing in front of him. Two powerful manlike shapes, both standing ten feet tall, stood blocking his way. Gonad turned and fled with the large shapes in rapid pursuit. Gonad glanced behind, and saw that his pursuers were two giants, undoubtedly Dazes and Nyghts, the brothers of the Frigid Ice Queen. The giants were running one behind the other, and they were quickly overtaking the fleeing Gonad. With only feet separating him from the first giant, Gonad turned and leveled his spear at the approaching being. So fast were the giants running that they had no time to stop and avoid Gonad's spear. The first one ran straight onto the spear and it went clean through him. The other giant came slamming up against his brother, to impale himself upon the spear point, with equal force. The impact sent Gonad reeling into a rocky outcrop. His spear broke, and the two giants fell full upon him. Gonad felt the world spinning and slipped into unconsciousness.

When Gonad woke up, he was lying, covered with blankets, in a large bed. There was a fire blazing in wide fireplace at the far side of the room. By the dim light from the fire, he could see the rough-hewn beams that supported the ceiling far above him. Wherever he was, he knew it wasn't Piss House, or any house in the village (the place was large, very large). He sat up, wincing in pain from the battering he had taken, when the giants had fallen upon him.

"So, you have decided to wake up!" the unexpected feminine voice caused Gonad to jump. He turned around to see a woman sitting in a chair beside the bed. The woman had silver hair, steel gray eyes, and full red lips. One of the barbarian standards of beauty, was that a woman should be pleasingly rounded (not fat, but having enough meat on her bones, the overall impression was of lots and lots of curves) and the woman in front of Gonad fit that description. Only, she was a lot larger than any woman he had ever seen in his life. As she stood up, Gonad realized she had to be at least seven feet tall.

"Hello," Gonad said in half wonder and half apprehension, "I'm Gonad."

"And I'm Helga," she smiled back at him. "Some people call me the Ice Queen."

"Not the Frigid Ice Queen!" Gonad's jaw dropped.

"You'd be frigid too," the woman said "if you had my brothers, but you have taken care of them. They are both dead."

"I don't suppose saying sorry would help?" Gonad said in almost a whisper. "I'm sure it is all some sort of mix up."

"No," Helga shook her head, "they're dead all right—and you did it. Your spear was through the both of them."

"It was snowing a lot," stammered Gonad, "we were running and I just sort of turned around to have a word with them..."

"No, no," the woman threw her arms around Gonad and kissed him soundly on the lips, "you are my hero! Those two animals have kept me as their slave for ages. They murdered the only husband I ever had, over four hundred years ago, and have made my life a living hell. Now, because of you, that is all over and done with.

"Let me fix something for you to eat, and then we can talk some more," she winked at Gonad, went to the fireplace, and filled a bowl with something from a pot hanging over the flames. "I cut up and stewed that rabbit that you had with you."

"My, rabbit?" gasped Gonad, "That's my manhood!"

"Nonsense, you still have that—I just cut up the rabbit."

"No, I needed a rabbit for my manhood!"

"Oh, my," snickered Helga, "The strange things young men do nowadays. You really should try girls, instead."

"You don't understand," moaned Gonad, "I was on my coming of age quest, and if I don't come back with a rabbit, I won't be accepted as a man."

"I though you people went looking for cave bears."

"That's the other tribe."

"I see," Helga brought him a steaming bowl of rabbit stew. "No matter—there are plenty of other rabbits in the world, but you won't be going anywhere for quite awhile. The blizzard has piled up snow right up to the eves of the house, you won't be going anywhere until the spring thaw."

"Oh, great!" Gonad sighed and turned his attention to the food before him. "Good stew."

"With my brothers out of picture," she explained, "We have plenty of food and drink to last us all winter. Things are as not bad as you seem to think. I imagine, that I can think of a few things that will keep us busy, for a long time to come."

Once Gonad had finished his stew, Helga insisted that he take a hot bath. Helga showed him into another room, one that had a giant bronze bathing tub sitting, upon a stone floor. Several caldrons of water were boiling, over a blaze in the fireplace, set in one of the room's walls. Helga poured the water into the tub, added some cold water to cool it, and told Gonad to take off his clothes.

"What," asked Gonad, "with you here."

"Absolutely!"

"Is that allowed?"

"Oh, it is more than allowed," Helga assured him, "it is mandatory. In fact, I'm going to take a bath with you. My brothers never bathed, but I enjoy a good soak. How about you?"

"Well, I suppose, but I can't say I've ever done it with a woman."

"Yes, I can tell you're a little on the inexperienced side, but I will soon correct that," she smiled, taking off her clothing as a wide-eyed Gonad watched her in amazement. Gonad had seen a few girls without clothes, but never before had he seen a full-grown, well-rounded woman naked. He was finding the experience overwhelming and felt himself growing hard. "Just don't stand there, get in the tub before the water cools."

Gonad removed his clothes and did his best to hide his manliness from the woman, but there was just too much of it to hide. Every time that he thought, he had it hidden, it would flop around his hands, and in the end he stuck it back between his legs and tried to walk forward by shuffling his feet. However, one of his feet slid, on the cold stone floor, and his organ came flying up, to hit him on the belly with a loud, smack! Helga finally told him to stop acting silly and to get in the tub.

"Okay," Gonad reluctantly climbed into the tub opposite the large woman. "Well, yes, this is—er—nice. Yes, nice, wet, and warm."

"Just like I am," Helga purred. She smiled and looked between Gonad's legs, "You certainly are big!"

"Oh, that? That's just my weenie," Gonad blushed.

"Oh, darling," moaned Helga, "that's not wee, and it sure isn't a knee. It looks more like a foot—maybe even a bit more."

"I sort of mangled it a few times when I was younger. I'm sorry it's all swollen up like that, but I really can't control it. It seems to happen every now and then."

"Don't be sorry," she said, "I think it is just right! Here, you wash me and I'll wash you."

"Okay, I do have a bit of difficulty reaching all my back," he turned around, feeling relieved that Helga could no long see the stiffness between his legs. She suddenly grabbed him and pulled him back between her parted thighs. He could feel the hard nipples of her ample breasts, poking him in the back, and could feel the thicket of fur that was at the bottom of her belly, rubbing against his buttocks. She dropped one of her hands down to grasp his erection, turned his face to her lips and kissed him.

"You're going to want to wrestle," Gonad's voice quivered, "aren't you?"

"I suppose you could call it that, but I prefer to call it making love."

"I just want you to know that I've seen my sister wrestle my cousin. I know you girls are tougher than you look. Why don't we just say that you win, and leave it at that? I'll admit you're the better man!"

"I'm not a man, you silly boy," laughed Helga, "and I'm going to prove that to you in many, wonderful ways. I've wanted a nice strong man like you for almost four hundred years. I've got a lot of love to give—and a lot to take."

"Yes, I'm sure you do," stammered Gonad. "It's just that I don't want my part broken."

"Your part?"

"My weenie."

"That's a cock."

"I know it's all swollen up, but I don't think it looks anything like a rooster," Gonad said feeling insulted. "I'd just as soon that it didn't get broken."

"Darling," she giggled sliding her other hand to grasp his organ, "I can assure you, I'm going to take the situation well in hand, and nothing will be broken."

That night, Helga laid all Gonad's fears to rest—she also laid Gonad (most of the night—if the truth be known). During the following weeks and months, Helga taught Gonad the 1372 forbidden ways to pleasure a woman. She even read to him (no less than five times), Imma Cumming's famed book, What Every Man Should Know About A Woman's Orgasms (the illustrated edition). Gonad found out that there were several pleasant uses for his private part, in addition to periodically relieving himself. He also found several; interesting uses for his mouth and tongue that had nothing to do with talking and eating (well—eating food, that is). In the end Gonad forgot about his quest for a rabbit, he knew that he had found manhood without it. As for Helga, she became known as The Amorous Ice Queen of the North and was anything but frigid.