Gone

The first thing Jim noticed as he pulled up to his house was all the neighbors staring at him with solemn looking faces. As he stared back, they quickly returned to whatever they were previously doing as he walked up his front sidewalk.

He first noticed the hole in his lawn by the front porch. I was like something heavy had been dropped there. Then he saw an identical mark by the other side of the porch. He would ask Beth if she knew anything about them when she got home. Jim climbed the steps; stopping to collect the mail before he unlocked the front door and stepped inside.

The mail fell from his hands as he stared at an empty living room with an equally empty dining room behind it. He looked around the room at the naked walls with nails sticking out where pictures and photos had hung this morning when he left.

As he walked through the house he saw a few fragments of his life left behind: the kitchen table and chairs from his old apartment; his old cookware and dishes; the range and refrigerator they picked out together; his old bedroom set in the quest room, the new washer and dryer she insisted on and his old couch and chair in the den.

Jim grabbed a glass from the cupboard and added a couple of ice cubes before pouring a healthy amount of scotch in it. He carried it to the den and sat in his favorite chair looking at the blank LCD TV while wondering why she didn't take it too. He noticed the pictures in this room were still on the wall, and then he remembered that he had bought them before he married Beth.

It was while he was still looking around that he finally noticed the envelope on the mantle. He took a drink before rising to retrieve the letter. Flopping back in the chair, he picked up his reading glasses from the table and opened the letter. He could tell by the flowing style it was written by Beth, he would know her handwriting anywhere.

Dearest Jim,

I'm afraid by the time you find this letter you will be too angry to read why I have left. I want you to know that this is all my fault and you are not to blame other than having a dream I no longer can support. I want you to know that it took me a long time to come to this decision, but I decided it was better to leave than let you ruin your life for me.

Do you remember when we first met at that club in the city? I was celebrating my new job at the magazine with my friends and your friends were celebrating your recent promotion to team leader. Our friends saw us glancing at each other and insisted we had to dance together in celebration.

After that my friends were betting either I was going to have to ask you out or you would leave without saying a word. I told them you were shy, but I had faith you would ask and you did.

I will always remember our dates together because you always found unusual, but interesting places to see or quaint restaurants to try. For a quiet, reserved person, you were quite adventurous in some of the things you wanted us to try; like the bungee jumping and the sky diving. I'm sorry I disappointed you, but my scare threshold stops at the Ferris wheel.

You also showed me your intellectual side when we went to the little cultural museums in the city and the small festivals different ethnic groups held every year that I never knew about.

You taught me to enjoy music from other than my age group. I loved it when we sat on a blanket in the park having wine and cheese as we listened to the orchestra play classical music those warm summer nights or the little clubs you took me to in the winter to listen to a young rising blues player or jazz trio. They are memories I will always cherish.

I thank you for teaching me to try foods from different countries. If it wasn't for you, I never would have found out I like Thai, Indian, and Cuban cuisine. I told you how my girl friends now love trying different restaurants on girl's night out and it is all because of you.

Most of all Jim, I want to thank you for teaching me about love. Not just the sexual side of love which was exciting and wild at times, and then tender and very romantic at others. I am not discounting the sexual part Jim. I loved and enjoyed every minute of it. You are a very caring partner.

It was the giving side of love like when you turned off the TV even though your favorite team was on to hold me when I came home in tears because my project at work was rejected. Or the number of times you came to parties to help my career while not telling me until later you passed on dinner with your boss because it was the same evening.

The times you came home tired only to go back out because I felt bored and wanted to go window shopping. The innumerable amount of times you came home hungry only to have soup and a sandwich because I didn't feel like cooking that night and you never once complained.

And last but not least to all the furniture you let me buy even though you disliked the style. I know you were lying when you said you were happy with my choices and they would grow on you. I could see it in your body language every time you sat in the living room or the dining room, like you were afraid that they might wrinkle or break if you moved. I also saw how relaxed you were in the den when you sat on your old couch or especially that chair of yours like someone was giving you a massage. That is why I took the new furniture with me so you wouldn't be reminded of another selfish thing I did to you.

I looked closely at our 7 years of marriage when I made this decision. I realized that I acted like a spoiled, selfish young girl; not the loving, caring partner you deserved. Our whole marriage I came to expect you to make me happy and fulfill my dreams without giving a moment's thought to how you were feeling or remembering anything about what you wanted out of life, until 2 months ago.

That was when we were having lunch outdoors on the plaza and that little girl ran up and grabbed your leg and called you daddy. The look on your face at that moment said it all. It also reminded me that when we were dating you said how much you wanted a family with two or three children running around. I remember how your face lit up when you talked about it, just like it did with the little girl in the plaza.

Ever since that day, I have been thinking about us and children. With you being 8 years older, it makes it that much harder. I'm 28 now and you are 36. I don't have much time left to decide so you can enjoy the children while you are young.

I talk to my friends at work and none of them want children now. They are young like me and want to have fun, try new things, and travel, not be stuck at home with a child. They said they might think about it when they are in their thirties and want to feel like a grown up or they may just forgo the whole parent routine and continue to be selfish and enjoy their life.

I was in the café by work last week looking out the window as I ate lunch when I noticed two young women with children stop to rest on one of the benches. Their clothing placed them at about my age, but they looked and acted like they were a decade older.

It was like raising children was draining the life out of them. It was then that I decided I couldn't do it. As much as I love you Jim, I'm too selfish to give up my fun for your dream. I am sorry for being so moody last week but I had a huge decision to make and your concern to make me feel better made it that much harder.

I know if I told you I decided to never have children you would be disappointed, but I also know you would sacrifice your dream for me.

I love you and always will, but I honestly can't fulfill your dream. That is why I am finally going to do something adult in my life and give you a chance at your dream by leaving you. I have leased an apartment and will be fine so please don't worry about me.

Now for a little more upsetting news Jim. They will be serving you with divorce papers tomorrow at work. I already have everything that I want. I took the furniture, my car, and my savings account. I left the joint charge cards on you dresser. The house and everything else is yours. You saved for the down payment and it is part of your dream.

On a happy note I hope, I called your coworker Jill. The cute brunette with the nice figure who always watched you with puppy dog eyes whenever we went to one of your companies social events.

I had a nice chat with her this afternoon. After convincing her I wasn't angry at her, she confessed she has been in love with you for years but was too shy to do anything before you were married. By the way, she is 4 years younger than you and dreams of having a family because she loves children.

If you happened to notice her looking at you late this afternoon, it was because I was telling her about all your great qualities. In fact as you read this letter, I am probably having dinner with her showing her pictures of your house and letting her know about the divorce papers.

Tomorrow if she comes over to offer her sympathy, you will know why. I suggest if you like her, to accept her offer of going out for a drink after work, she really is a wonderful, caring woman.

If we happen to meet after we are divorced, please don't shun me. I would be happy if you took the time to tell me if you got your dream.

With all my love,

Beth

Jim set the letter down and wiped the tears from his eyes. He was no longer angry at Beth after reading her letter; however he was sad she would no longer be in his life. At the same time he was proud that she had matured enough to understand that he would have sacrificed his dream for her happiness, and in the process been bitter the rest of his life.

Jim finished his drink and made another sitting back in his chair. Beth had been very observant all those years. He did like Jill, in fact he almost asked her out before he was promoted but backed out at the last moment, afraid she would say no. Truth be told, he would never have asked Beth out if it hadn't been for all the drinks giving him the courage.

By the time he finished that second drink Jim knew if Jill didn't offer to take him out for a drink, he was going to ask her.

Life goes on in different ways.

The Beginning!