Gone Away

"I don't know. Look Sophie, I don't know what's for the best. If I'm to be a bachelor I'd rather have a flat in the centre of town and lose the commuting. We have to make decisions. Sell the house and you'll have some money too, though what you can buy with it in London I don't know."

"You decide what to do. I'll agree to whatever you want."

"No. That's another escape, another betrayal. We came this far together and we'll make these decisions together where they involve us both. Then you can do what you want."

"I abandoned my rights when I ran away. I don't expect to be consulted."

"Stop playing the martyr. I'm not out to avenge my hurt feelings. I want to do what's for the best. The starting point is to sell the house. At some point everything comes back to money, and you need money now. So do I."

"You're also saying we have no more need of our marital home. Am I right?"

I nodded. "Even now we have virtually nothing to say to one another and you can't speak to me without putting on an act. You can't be yourself with me."

She thought about this. "But I shan't lie to you now. Perhaps this face is the real me, the person I'm growing into."

"The new person needs a new life. Let's cut our losses and admit we made a mistake getting married. I'm mad with you for causing me so much pain, but I don't want to blight the rest of your life. If you'd stopped loving me and wanted to move on, you should have said so. It was a coward's way to run off without a word. Whether or not you're Harry's lover, you rejected me. You left to look for someone better."

"I never stopped loving you but I thought I made you unhappy and that you were the wrong person for me. It's pointless to be unhappy together. Now I'm not so sure. Life's not so simple as I thought."

"You haven't found the right man. I'm not waiting around while you make up your mind. I'm moving on. No point in dwelling on failure. I don't hate you; I feel care and concern for you. That's nature's revenge. We pair off and bond through proximity as much as anything else. I can't switch off after being so long with you. But in a marriage your husband should be the one. There's no room for experimentation."

"I care for you. I thought running away would hurt you least. That way you didn't have to know I'd run to another man. At least, that's what I thought."

"You'd rather I imagined you dead than a cheat?"

"I'm sorry but it seemed the right thing at the time."

"When I realised you'd eloped to meet your lover, I couldn't think how you'd found the time for a secret life. We were both so busy. So tell me Sophie, about Harry. Was he your first lover and how come you never mentioned him to me?"

She shook her head, then nodded. "If you really want to know. Yes, he was the first. In my first year at uni, long before I met you. I didn't mention him because at the time when we met, when I was eighteen, he seemed like ancient history, completely irrelevant to you and me. And I was insecure -- I didn't think you mentioned past lovers to your boyfriend. Harry was confident and well-connected and I was naïve and yes I fancied him like mad. But we had nothing in common, or so it seemed. He was always busy making his career with the union and I was working hard. I didn't think what we'd done was serious. But then, when he contacted me, I realised I still had feelings which I'd shut inside me all those years. We exchanged emails for ages. It was so innocent. I wasn't planning an affair. It was just that he was a friend, I was having a hard time, work was a struggle and I had no one to confide in. I couldn't talk to you because I was afraid of loading my problems onto you. And yes, already the worm of deceit was working into me, making me feel that I must pull away from you to protect us both emotionally -- make a small space so that I could share with Harry without harming us. It was never about sex, but how does a woman have a friendship with a man without sex getting into it? He looked out for me. He came home from work and sent me an email because he was worried about how I was getting on. How at the end could I deny him sex if that's what he wanted?

"Yes, I left you to go to the man who I thought would care for me for the rest of my life. I thought we understood one another and would be happy. Separating from you would be painful, but ten years from now I would be grateful for what I'd done. And you'd be happier too. You don't want a loveless harridan holding you back. It was the right thing to do -- right up to the moment Harry and I met."

She was crying and I was sorry for her. She'd admitted her mistake and wanted to come home. She wouldn't ask but her eyes were pleading with me. In our relationship it was I who put things right and I was meant to forgive and say we could go back to how things were. That if we tried harder we could reignite our relationship and make it work.

She was sorry I'd been hurt, but I couldn't forget she'd worked out her elopement knowing it would injure me. I was unavoidable collateral damage which made me very angry and always would. I struggled to work out what I wanted to happen. I cared for her, there was no doubt, but could I go back? It seemed to me that I only thought it an option because I was afraid of being alone. I'd been in hell and my life could be just about to get a lot worse. But that wasn't a good reason for taking Sophie back.

Her taut features relaxed and she smiled. "Neville, let's go for a drink. There are things I need to say to you. If this is really the end I'd like us to part friends."

"I'm sorry Sophie, a drink would make me choke. I can't forgive you for what you did. The pain goes too deep. It's not just a scar but a vital wound. We need to speak to one another, but we're not friends any more who can relax together."

She recovered quickly. Her face was closed and she drew herself in, ready to continue her battle with the world. Perhaps I had only said what she expected and was prepared for my rejection.

"I'm sorry Sophie," I said, squeezing her arm.

She flinched, but replied equally breezily. "Me too. Be good Neville."

And we went our separate ways.

The End