Good Intentions

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Xarth
Xarth
14,606 Followers

****

Over the next few days I sent Anya texts a couple times just to check on her, which was pretty atypical of me, but I was also in some pretty atypical circumstances. She assured me she was fine and restated that she just needed a little time. I tried not to press her, but it was hard not to feel like I should be doing something rather than just waiting.

Then, one evening, she just showed up at my place like nothing had changed. She didn't even call ahead, just knocked on my door and assumed I was home. I suppose she probably could have seen my car actually so she wouldn't have been completely guessing.

"Hey," I said, when I opened the door and found her standing on the other side.

"Hey," she said. "Sorry I didn't want to talk when you kept texting me, but I--"

"I know, I get it."

"Good. Are you busy?"

"Am I ever?"

"Not usually, no. You're such a slacker."

She said it with a teasing smile, and it was kind of a relief. Like many sibling relationships, I assumed, a good indicator ours was okay was when we were picking on each other.

"So... we're okay?" I asked.

"I think so, yeah. Stuff happened, and it wasn't exactly good that it happened, but neither of us meant it. I know, in hindsight, that I've been a little careless around you recently. Parading around in my underwear and everything. You were bound to see too much at some point."

"You never paraded. I think I would have noticed if you did."

"That's not the point and you know it. I'm just saying as long as I keep my clothes on, I think things'll be fine. And I never thought I'd have to say anything like that to you."

"Me either. That doesn't change what I already saw though."

"Does it bother you?"

That was the question alright. The simple answer was yes, it did bother me, but that hardly covered everything. A lot of what bothered me about it was how it would affect Anya, and she wasn't really letting me know how she felt.

"Kind of. It's just... I hate that it had to happen. You told me this was where you didn't have to worry about stuff and now...."

"I still feel that way," she said, stepping forward and putting a hand on my shoulder. "You don't think everything's going to be different just 'cause you saw a part of me you weren't supposed to, do you?"

"It was a pretty important part."

"Yeah, but it's okay. I'm used to feeling like guys are imagining parts of me, it's just life. And if any guy had to accidentally see me partly naked, any guy who I didn't want to see me I mean, I guess I don't mind that it was you."

"That... almost makes sense. I think. Actually, not really."

"I know, I'm mostly just bullshitting and hoping it comes out coherent. But seriously, I don't want to lose you just because of something so stupid. You're still my brother, even if you get dirty thoughts about me, and I still need you."

"Why do you think I have any dirty thoughts about you?"

"Because you have that guilty look on your face," Anya said, poking me right on my forehead. "The same as when I woke up after you saw my... well, you know. The same as any time when there's something you don't want me to know, but don't want to keep it from me either."

"Well shit. Guess I really can't keep anything from you, can I?"

"Not really, no. But it's okay, I get it. You should see some of the stuff that goes through my head."

"See, you shouldn't say things like that. Makes me think my innocent little sister isn't all that innocent."

Anya snorted. "You're so full of shit. You know better than anyone I'm not a kid anymore. Besides, with the internet around, no one's innocent these days."

"Fair point."

"I know. So do you believe me that everything's okay yet? 'Cause I need to know if I'm gonna have to go back to my place to get some work done or not."

"I was gonna ask about that," I said, pointing to the backpack she was wearing. My guess would have been she had class stuff in it, but she had never brought any of that with her before. "Thought you didn't want to bring any of that here."

"It's not that I wanted to," she said. "But we needed to talk and I needed help focusing on my work instead of daydreaming. I think better here."

"Well, you can use my table if you want."

"Actually, I'd prefer the bed if that's alright."

"Fine with me."

Once she made the request, I did actually remember how she used to do her homework on her bed sometimes back when we were in high school. She'd spread out various books and things over the mattress and lie in the middle of it all. It seemed to work for her, and apparently it was something she hadn't entirely given up on, as she preceded to do pretty much the same thing on my bed.

"I know I said I don't mind what you think about, but do you have to be so obvious about staring at me all the time?" she asked, and I realized I actually had been staring at her again.

"It wasn't anything dirty this time, I swear," I said. "I was just remembering how you used to do this back home sometimes."

Anya smiled a little. "I'm surprised you remember that."

"I remember lots of things, I just don't have any reason to think of them most of the time."

"If you say so. Just try and be a little more discreet if you're gonna ogle me like that."

"Oh fuck off, you know I wasn't. I thought you said you were okay, 'cause you're acting like you really aren't."

"Is it bugging you?"

"Kind of, yeah."

"Then I'm doing my job as a little sister, aren't I?"

She gave me a supremely irritating grin, on purpose no doubt, then turned back to her work.

"You know, I'd agree with you except you've never been that much of a brat. Well, almost never."

"I think it's good for us, being more like regular siblings and getting away from the awkward stuff. My job's to be annoying, yours is to help with my homework if I get stuck on something."

I sat down beside Anya and glanced over the pages of the textbook she had open.

"Leaving aside the fact that I'd be useless at helping with whatever you're working on, that doesn't sound like a very good deal on my end," I said.

"You also get the pleasure of my company."

"Right, I forgot. How silly of me."

I poked Anya in the side where I knew she was ticklish, and took some amusement from the way she flinched and batted my hand away.

"Cut it out!" she said. "I'm busy."

"Just being a brother. That's what you wanted, isn't it?" I said, poking her again for good measure. "Plus, you started it."

Anya rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out at me. I retaliated by jabbing at her side until she rolled over to protect it, leaving her other side exposed to me.

"Okay, okay stop! Stop it!" she said, swatting repeatedly at me until I gave up. "God, I know I was being immature, but you're just...."

"Better at it than you?"

"You wish. Now if you're not going to help, at least let me concentrate here."

I stopped bugging Anya, but I didn't leave her alone right away. I just watched for a couple minutes as she read from her textbook and occasionally wrote some things down. If I'd had someone looking over my shoulder like that, it would have driven me crazy. Anya didn't say anything though.

Partly just to see what she'd do, I traced my fingertips lightly down her back, then back up again. She ignored me, so I did it a few more times, slowly increasing the amount of contact until my whole palm was touching her. It was about the point when I was basically giving her a back rub that she sighed and put down her pencil.

"Still not helping," she said.

"Sorry," I said, not meaning it in the slightest.

"Feels good though. Relaxing."

"So I shouldn't stop then?"

"Not yet. I'll let you know."

Anya folded her arms in front of her and rested her head on them. A peaceful expression gradually appeared on her face, like she was sleeping and oblivious to the world.

"You remember when you used to rub my back sometimes?" she asked, mumbling a bit where her arm impeded her mouth's movement. "Back when we were younger."

"Yeah. You'd think I wasn't doing anything important and whine until I gave in."

"Didn't whine," she protested. "And it was only when you had a hand free anyway."

"Sure it was."

"Well you don't seem to mind doing it now, do you?"

"No, you're right, I don't. Of course, maybe that's a problem all on its own."

Anya rolled onto her back and I took my hand away, setting in my lap.

"Because we've been getting too close?" she asked.

"Something like that, yeah."

"We probably have. I thought about not coming over for a while, just putting some space between us, but I didn't want to do that."

"I don't want you to do that either. We'll just have to be careful. Make sure not to do anything else to make things weird."

"Mm-hm, exactly."

Anya rolled back over and made a show of finding where she'd left off in her book. It was my cue to leave her alone for a bit, at least until she needed another break, but I didn't particularly feel like taking the hint. I sat quietly for a moment, then started rubbing her back again.

"Okay, that's cute but it's bordering on aggravating now," Anya said. "It's still very distracting."

"Maybe I'm bored."

"Maybe you are. How about you give me half an hour and then you can do whatever you want to me." She paused, and I knew I didn't have to point out what she'd just said. "That came out wrong. You know what I mean."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm really not sure what I can do that won't distract you though."

"I don't know, go play on your computer or something. Whatever you want, just as long as you keep your hands to yourself."

"Fine, no touching."

Anya watched me out of the corner of her eye for a while, but I kept my word and didn't touch her. Mostly I just waited for her to let her guard down, and when she did I leaned down and blew in her ear. I was an experienced veteran of the 'I'm not touching you' games we played as kids and knew exactly where it would bother her most.

What I wasn't expecting was her response, which was to shove me hard enough to make me fall off the bed onto the floor. I burst out laughing even while she glared at me with mock-fury.

"Swear to god you're being just like a kid tonight," she said. "Are you really that desperate for attention?"

"You're the one who came to me," I reminded her.

"I know, I know. Now I'm thinking that it might have been a mistake."

"Why, just 'cause I'm being a little aggravating? You can usually handle that better."

"That, plus you've been making things very confusing for me."

"How?"

"You know how."

I was still lying on the floor, with no immediate urge to move. Anya moved to the edge of the bed and sat cross-legged, with a look on her face like I was a math problem she just couldn't figure out.

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm kind of confused too," I said.

"That actually doesn't help," she said. "It'd be a lot easier if you could just tell me what I'm supposed to do, but you obviously don't know either."

'What do you want to do?"

"It's not that I want to do anything, I just want to be able to be around you without feeling like something bad's gonna happen."

"Nothing bad has to happen, you're over thinking this. I know because I have been too. Come here."

I held out my hand to her in invitation and she hesitated a second before kneeling down on the floor beside me, then lying down. She rested her head on my shoulder and let out a long breath as she let herself relax.

"This is what I want," she said quietly. "Just being able to be close to you without it being anything more. But I don't know if it's something I can even have."

"Because you don't trust me?"

"It's not that. I mean, it sort of is I guess, but it's more that I don't trust either of us. It feels so good when you're with me, when I can feel you, but then I start thinking about it and I worry that it's for the wrong reasons."

"Doesn't matter what the reasons are, I'm still going to be here."

"I know."

Lying there on the floor with my sister, I couldn't help wondering about my own feelings. She meant a lot to me, but I'd always just taken it for granted that things would be the same between us and now that there was some kind of issue to be dealt with, we were both lost.

"Your floor's kind of uncomfortable," Anya said after a few minutes.

"I am aware," I said. "You'd have to get up first though, you're kinda partly on top of me."

"In a minute."

Though my body began to protest at the discomfort, and I was sure Anya wasn't much better off, neither of us moved for a while. I think we knew as soon as we did either she'd have to go, or we'd have to try talking again and that hadn't been accomplishing much so far. As long as we stayed put we could just exist.

****

Part Two: The Things That Don't Change

It turned out finishing her university course had been just what Anya needed. Once she finished all her final exams and everything, she seemed to generally be a much happier person. She'd been regaining control of her life and relied less and less on me. She also got a somewhat serious boyfriend who kept her busy. It was good in some ways, but I also missed her sometimes and I had an annoying independent streak that prevented me from coming out and telling her so.

It was mainly the fact that I'd get to see her that made me show up to the party my family was throwing for one of my aunts. My mom's family was one of those ones that had an unnecessarily large number of kids, so I was never able to keep track of all my aunts and uncles and their various birthdays and ages and things, but I was pretty sure it was someone's sixtieth. It was a big one anyway, and a good excuse to try and get everyone together. Basically not my scene at all, excepting of course for Anya.

I sat in my car for a couple minutes once I arrived, trying to pick out Anya's car from the ones parked in the driveway or along the street. I hoped she'd be there already, but I couldn't find her car and eventually decided just to get it over with.

It was a really nice day out, sunny but not too hot and with only the occasional cloud floating by in the sky. It was perfect for a gathering like this and meant that everyone could sit out in the backyard instead of trying to squish together in the house. There was a gauntlet of relatives for me to run once I got there, necessitating the use of all my skills at being polite without getting drawn into a conversation. As discreetly as I could I asked about Anya and found out that she might be inside somewhere, so that's where I headed as soon as I could get away.

She was in the kitchen as it turned out, staring at the timer on the microwave and looking bored to death. She didn't see me at first, but she must have heard me as I got closer because she suddenly turned toward me and broke out into a wide smile when she saw me.

"You made it," she said, stepping forward to give me a hug.

"Of course I did," I said. "You didn't think I would?"

"I didn't know if you were coming, that's all. Someone must have guilt-tripped you into it."

I pretended to take offense, but she wasn't that far off in some ways. I certainly wasn't there for the reason most everyone else was.

"No one guilt-tripped me," I stated firmly.

"Oh yeah? Bribed you then?"

"Nope."

"Well why are you here then?"

"Nothing better to do."

Anya crossed her arms. "I don't believe you. I think you probably just got lonely without me."

"Yeah, sure. That's it," I said sarcastically, covering for the fact that she was actually right. "So why are you hiding out in the kitchen anyway?" I asked just to change the subject.

"There's some stuff in the oven, I volunteered to watch it."

"That's clever, gives you an excuse to stay out of the crowd."

"Thanks, I thought so. How come you're in here, since it's apparently nothing to do with me?"

"I didn't say it was nothing to do with you, it's been a while since I saw you. There's stuff we gotta catch up on."

"It has been a while, hasn't it? Sorry, I didn't mean to avoid you or anything. Ooh, hang on a second," she said as the timer went off and she went to check on the food in the oven.

I picked a free section of the counter and took a seat while Anya took some stuff outside. When she came back she put more food in the oven and reset the timer.

"Man, remember when it was all someone else's responsibility to get food ready and stuff?" I said. "And we were the ones outside having fun."

"Yeah, I guess things change."

"Guess they do. Speaking of change, is that new boyfriend of yours here, or are you still keeping him from meeting me?"

"He's not that new, and no he's not here," she said. "He dropped me off and left. I don't think he was ready to meet so much of my family all at once. And don't act like I'm trying to keep him a mystery, I've told you all about him and I swear it's not on purpose that you haven't met him yet."

"So you keep saying, but I think you're just hiding something from me."

"I'm not, you're just being too nosy. He hasn't met mom or dad yet either, so it's not just you."

"I'm allowed to be nosy about guys you date, I have to make sure they aren't assholes."

"I promise he isn't an asshole. You'll meet him some day, and you might even like him."

"Maybe I will," I said thoughtfully. "Maybe I'll like him. I wouldn't count on it though."

"Well, as long as you pretend you do, that's the main thing," Anya said, smiling to let me know it was a joke. "What about you though? You were telling me a while back you had your eye on a new apartment?"

"Yeah, I got it actually. I can move in the first of next month. It's only, like, fifty dollars more a month and it's way bigger. Got more than one room and everything. You'd be able to come visit and not have to worry about taking up my bed."

"Aw, but that was the best part."

I knew she was kidding, or partly kidding at least, but we shared a look for a moment as we were both reminded of the things that had resulted from my lack of furniture. There were a lot of buried feelings on both sides.

"Seriously, you should come by sometime once I move," I said. "I kinda miss having you take over my place whenever you feel like it. Keeps things interesting."

"I will. Promise."

****

Anya and I hung out at the party for a while, though I didn't get to spend it all with her and had to put in some time outside. Afterward she got a drive with me back to her apartment since she didn't have her car with her. Apparently, despite her alleged surprise that I'd turned up at all, she'd been planning on me giving her a ride all along. I got confused when she started giving me directions that I didn't think lead to her place.

"Turn left up here," she said, the second turn she'd told me that I was pretty sure was wrong.

"Um, is this some weird shortcut that I never knew about?" I asked. "Because this doesn't lead to where you live as far as I know."

"It does. Just not to where you think I live." Anya kept looking straight ahead, watching the road intently as I tried to get a read on her. "I moved out of the old apartment a little while back, that's part of what kept me too busy to visit."

"And you never thought to tell me about that? I mean sure, I don't come to see you that often, but still."

I was legitimately kind of upset over the revelation that my sister hadn't even bothered to tell me she'd moved, though I knew that it actually wasn't a huge deal. Mostly it was just another way that she seemed to be pulling away from me.

"It wasn't 'cause I didn't want to tell you," she said. "Or that I forgot. It's just that I knew you wouldn't like it."

"Why, is it a bad neighbourhood? Do you have, like, drug dealers next door? Or is there a new roommate I wouldn't approve of?" I caught a flicker of something from Anya as soon as I mentioned a new roommate, but she didn't give me any more of a hint than that. "Why wouldn't I like the roommate? I doubt it's anyone I'd know... is it because it's a guy? Or... please tell me you didn't move in with your boyfriend."

Xarth
Xarth
14,606 Followers