Goodbye, La La Land

"Well, actually--"

"Ladies and gentlemen," said Mr. Litten at the front of the room. "I think we better go over some of your observations before we finish today. Who would like to start?" The two of them shared a tiny moment of disappointment and turned to face the front amid the shuffling of papers and murmurs throughout the rest of the classroom. Gary's heart was alternately jumping on air, and then sinking into the floor. He'd made her laugh, and that was the best feeling in the world, but he was sure it couldn't last. He felt her hand again--this time pushing playfully against his shoulder. When he looked over she was smiling at him.

She whispered with her glinty, expressive eyes, "You're a wacko you know that?"

He shrugged and cracked a smile. "I know."

"Has it ever occurred to you that some guys might actually like girls who don't have tits the size of bowling balls?" Adrienne was not one to mince words--especially when it came to sex.

Kathleen laughed into the phone receiver. Her sister always had a way of making her do that. "You could'a fooled me."

"Seriously. You actually talked to this guy? Wow, that's great Kath! It's about time. I mean, obviously he likes you. Is he cute?"

"Oh, man, Ree." She surprised herself with her gushing response. He really was. "I didn't really realize it until now, though. He's kinda crazy, but really smart. I like it. He's very," she mocked Gary's clinical, matter-of-fact way of speaking in a low voice of authority, "'Well, Kathleen, it's like Aristotle's modern-day food tragedy. Ruh-rah ruh-rah ruh-rah.' It's so funny! I don't think he really likes me too much, though. He's so serious, you know?"

"That's so cool! I've never heard you talk like this. You actually think he doesn't like you? What's not to like? He looks at you when he thinks you don't see him right?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do. He does. Kath, I can tell he likes you from here, and I'm not even in the same state! Three food groups huh? If I ate like he does I'd. . . . Wait that kind of does make sense, doesn't it?"

"I told you!"

"Anyway, trust me, he likes you. Plus it's high time you saw a guy naked--I mean a real one."

"Ree!" Kathleen blurted into the phone receiver with an embarrassed giggle.

"Kath!" Adrienne mocked her little sister. "What? Seriously! You're eighteen, you're sexy, you're funny. You need to get out of your head. You oughta feel him out. Lord knows this guy isn't going to make the first move. Maybe you should give him a thrill. You might learn something."

"What do you mean?"

"Show him how pretty you are! You have no idea what kind of power you have. You have a knack for flying under the radar, but if you wanted to you could fuck all those guys silly and have them begging for more--even that 'T' guy."

Kathleen was sometimes embarrassed by how well her sister knew her. She just knew she would love sex if she tried it. Her fantasies had always been vivid with ideas of joyful, easy, crazy sex of all kinds--sometimes the perversity of her sexual utopia even surprised her. "No way."

"Yes way! Look, you don't have to do anything. Maybe Gary's just an idiot and doesn't deserve you. But don't you dare waste the first time you have sex by being all passive and doe-eyed about it. You deserve better."

Kathleen took Adrienne's words in silently. She felt tears welling in her eyes.

"Kath?"

"Yeah. I guess," she said weakly.

"No, no. I know. Sweety, you don't have to take my word for it. Hell, just wear some shorts and a tight t-shirt one day and see how he reacts. You'll see what I mean." Adrienne giggled naughtily. "He sounds like he's the shy type; sometimes they're the best, Kath."

What was she trying to do, torture her? Gary had such a tall, quiet strength about him. Thoughts of him leaning his sweaty, naked body over her--fucking her--assaulted her psyche. What if she did have the power to get a reaction like that out of him? The mere fantasy sent a familiar rush into the depths of her pussy. She suspected she'd be pulling out her vibrator tonight for one of her extended sessions.

"Wow. I don't know."

"Well, you make up your own mind. Just make sure that you go after what you want, not just what you can get. You'll get it. I promise. Do something wild!"

Kathleen really did admire her sister. "I miss you, Ree."

"I miss you too, sweety. I know you really like to watch people, but you're missin' out, Kath. You remember what I said. Your terms. Stay safe, but have some fun for cryin' out loud. It's just sex."

- - - -

Kathleen had had to dig deep through her dresser to find a T-shirt that actually hugged her body, and the one she found was embarrassingly tight. She had almost changed when she looked in the mirror and saw how much her small boobs stuck out and stretched against the material. She felt like a wannabe sex-pot. Her legs felt strangely vulnerable and cold without jeans on, but it was still warm enough to justify the shorts she wore. A powerful rush of empowerment and nervousness filled her body. The second chemistry lab was today.

She sensed the reactions to her attire the minute she started walking down the hallway that morning. Her new level of exposure had her breathing in shallow puffs unless she concentrated and forced herself to relax. She caught guys staring down at her legs, and more attention than ever before was paid to her chest. She got an electric thrill out of it; her fantasies were playing out for real. Why hadn't she tried this before? She wanted to turn them all on, but one in particular was her target. The idea of her soaked pussy seeping its juice into her panties all day, and the thought that Gary might even smell her as she sat next to him that afternoon drove her crazy.

At lunch, while eating her home packed turkey sandwich and a soda from the vending machine, Kathleen smiled at the thought of Gary's three food groups, especially when she realized that her normal routine would be to revisit the vending machines after she ate and pick up a bit of after-'Salt' 'Sugar' in the form of a candy bar. She couldn't wait to see his face when she laid the latest head-scratcher she'd come up with on him.

After eating, she found herself too filled with nervous energy to stay still for very long. She decided to burn some it off by taking a walk around campus. As she wandered by the basketball courts, she caught sight of Gary and his group of friends playing a pick up game. Seeing T. with his flamboyant and downright obnoxious antics on the court in contrast to Gary's more low-key brand of sportsmanship had her shaking her head in wonder at how those two could have become such good friends. They were practically inseparable at school, except when their class schedules didn't match. She wished she understood guys' friendships better. Inspiration struck her, and she quickly dropped her bag on the ground, sat down and then pulled out her notebook. A grin slowly formed across her face, stretching into a smile of hopeful affection as she began sketching.

Her pencil moved quickly and confidently over the page, and she soon found herself whole-heartedly engrossed in her new project. She sat quietly in the grass, her knees raised to support her notebook--studying his muscles, watching the way he loved his friends more than the game, sketching the hidden fire behind his eyes--deeply and comfortably ensconced in her familiar role as the invisible watcher. She couldn't wait for later this afternoon, when she would try her hand again at being a participant.

"Tofu! Ha! How about that?" Kathleen sprung it on him with glee.

"Well," Gary said matter-of-factly, "I would classify tofu as a 'Salt Substance'."

Kathleen opened her mouth and exhaled sharply. She was annoyed by his seemingly perfectly prepared reply, but more by the fact that he seemed to give no reaction to her specially engineered attire. He kept not looking at her. "You're just cheating now! Cheater!" She reached her perpetually bare foot out and kicked him playfully in the calf.

"Ouch!" Gary laughed--not the reaction she had wanted either.

"Oop, sorry." Her instinct was to reach down and pull his leg up. She wanted to squeeze and massage his calf under the auspices of apology. She wanted to feel his hands against the material of the t-shirt stretched over her breasts. She was already getting herself more excited than she should. If only he would just look at her.

"No no, it didn't hurt." Gary's eyes wandered away, focusing on the pages of her open notebook, and then they opened wide.

"Geez, did you draw these?" Gary leaned over and touched the page, studying some of her sketches in the margin of her notes.

"Yeah." Her eyes lowered to the floor. Maybe she wasn't sexy after all. Maybe she'd never be sexy.

"Wow, these are. . . ," Gary stared silently at a particularly large sketch she'd drawn a few days ago. "Is that?" Gary smiled at the sketch. "Is that Kelly Granger?" He whispered.

That did it. Not one look. Not one single look at her legs, or the breasts that seemed to her to be popping off her chest. And now he was looking at some stupid drawing she'd done of big-titted Kelly instead of her. She felt so stupid.

"Can you just leave that alone? Okay?" She quietly snapped the notebook away from him, deflated.

Gary's smile drained away as quickly as hers did. His eyes shifted uncertainly, but she was too disappointed with herself to try to make him feel better.

They awkwardly went back to work on their lab, recording their observations and drawing some conclusions.

"I'm sorry." Gary finally said, inexplicably as they finished up. His eyes were so earnest and sad.

"What? Why?" Wait, what was he just looking at?

"I don't know. Maybe I said something wrong before?" She saw it again; his eyes were lingering on her forearm, and then on her feet, and then away. Kathleen looked down and squinted at the sparse freckles on her arm and wondered what he could possibly be interested in.

"No, no, it's okay," she said absently, trying figure out what was happening.

In a rush, she realized it. He had been checking her out. He was so sneaky about it. It was so different from the way the boys in the hall had been watching her. He was sneaking peeks, not at her breasts, but at her hair. She caught him looking at her tummy, and when she looked down, she realized the hem of her tight shirt had ridden just slightly above her belly button. He wasn't looking at the obvious places--maybe he was just afraid to--but he was looking. A newfound excitement surged into her body. She playfully pulled her shirt down and felt her fingers against her navel, wondering what it would be like to feel the tiny whiskers of his chin against her tummy. She wanted him to not be afraid. She imagined him lusting over her, drinking in the flesh of her body until he could no longer control himself. Her eyes squinted as she tried to suppress a growing smile in the corner of her mouth while she watched him.

"What?" He looked down at himself, and felt around his face for anything out of place. "What'd I do?"

She simply smiled and shook her head. "Nothing." She caught him doing it again. When she saw it, her chest fluttered with innocent lust. She saw the veins in his arms, fresh from the exertions of playing basketball with his friends, and smelled the lingering aroma of his body's perspiration--proof of his manhood hiding behind a strange and gentle mind. He was so much taller than she was, and she loved the fantasy of making his knees buckle by giving him a blowjob. When she looked up, she caught his eyes locked onto her legs. It was only an instant before he pulled his gaze away, but she saw clearly the hungry, glazed expression on his face. She imagined what his reaction might be if she spread her legs under the lab counter, unzipped her shorts for him and fingered her seeping cunt until she came right there in the classroom. Excitement splashed over her like hot water, cooled only by the memory of how bitchy she had been to him earlier.

"Oh," she said, forcing herself back into reality and reaching to open her notebook. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I just get. . . I don't know. I don't let too many people look at my drawings." She looked up, wanting to make sure she wasn't pushing them onto him. "Did you want to see more?"

"Can I? Those are really something."

Kathleen shook her head. "No. They aren't, but I think we've clearly established that you're insane," she quipped, mocking Gary's own speech patterns. She tentatively opened the book to the sketch of Kelly. "I don't know. I like to draw people."

"Damn, that's incredible." The sketch showed as good a representation of Kelly as Kathleen could draw. She had accentuated everything sexual about Kelly's looks that Kathleen loved, and that she felt Kelly was so good at accentuating herself.

"I think she's so cool," said Kathleen absently as she studied the articulate power of Gary's fingers, and the veins that spidered over the back of his hands. She wanted so badly to know what those strong fingers would feel like inside her.

"Kelly? Really? Why?" Gary seemed surprised.

"Have you really watched her?" She touched her fingers to the page so that they were right next to his, uncomfortable at sharing her own incessantly sexual thoughts about people. She was scared she was going to say more than she should, but she wanted so much to be close to someone other than her sister for once, and Gary had a quietly understanding quality about him. "Kelly loves guys. I mean, I don't know her or anything, but you can see it in the way she acts. She doesn't just tolerate them, or. . . or tease them. She loves them. And she's so pretty." She looked at him nervously, "Sexy--you know? I just think that's so cool." She was afraid to continue.

She often wondered what Kelly's sex life was like. She imagined Kelly as always in control--not taking any crap, even from the sleazy guys--but at the same time not being afraid of them, or even put off by them either. It was an idea that Kathleen admired--an idea she would aspire to if only she had the desirability that Kelly had. Kathleen liked people who found the best in other people, and Kelly clearly did. She was such a beautiful person to watch--her subtle communications, and intense sexuality. She wished she could share all that with Gary without frightening him away. "Sounds stupid, huh?"

Watching him looking not at the drawing, but at her, with those deep green eyes, she felt a sheen of sweat starting to form on her skin. "No." he said softly. "I think it's amazing."

For a brief moment, Kathleen didn't have to imagine what it was like to be Kelly anymore.

"I've never," he said, carefully choosing his words, and pulling his eyes away from her in order to flip through more pages of her sketches. "I don't understand people like you do."

Kathleen blushed slightly even as her hands grasped the seat of her chair tightly in an effort to resist her fantastic sexual ache. "Eh. It's nothing really. I don't understand food like you do, so we're even," she smiled. He must be able to see right through her.

He stopped on the page she'd filled earlier that morning. Kathleen held her breath with the worry that it might hurt his feelings, but she wanted him to see it. It was a drawing of Gary and his friend T. in a purely imaginary moment--both of them walking side-by side with their arms playfully around each other's necks. Gary had a smile of contemplation while his friend's mouth opened wide in a frozen moment of animated discussion. Kathleen nervously watched Gary take the drawing in.

He placed his finger on it, silently.

"Do you like it?" Kathleen timidly ventured.

He looked up at her, open mouthed. "That's me and T., isn't it?"

"Well, yeah. It's just a sketch I did this morning. Cleaned it up a little last class. Is it bad?"

"Is it bad? Are you kidding?" he said with wide eyed incredulity. "It's. . . Why did you do that?"

"I don't know," she shrugged bashfully. Her nerves were hypersensitive with apprehension, giving her trust to him. Her toes played absently with her sandal straps, and she had even caught him watching them. Her pussy was soaked. She could feel it--it was embarrassing, and liberating. When he wasn't looking, her eyes found his crotch--and she wished she could see through his pants.

"It's incredible, Kathleen." He trailed off thoughtfully. "It's. . . It's like we're walking down to the pearly gates, except that T. doesn't realize he's not gonna make it that far." He raised his eyebrows to himself. "'Course, I probably won't make the cut either."

Kathleen laughed and wished she had control over her dirty imagination.

"T.'s kind of a pain in the ass." He looked up at her with a smirk. "Nicely captured, by the way."

They both laughed again.

"But he is my best friend. I'm not sure how much of him I'll see after we graduate. I don't think he's going to go to college." As if he was having a conversation with himself he suddenly had a look of conviction on his face. "I should really just go to his damn party."

"What party?"

"T.'s having a Halloween party on Saturday. I hate those things, but," he paused again. "I should go." He looked at the picture again. "This is really beautiful, Kathleen."

"Kath."

"Kath? Okay." For the first time, he looked straight into her eyes. There was a fire within him, but also a quiet frustration in his eyes that she didn't know how to interpret. They shared a tenuous moment of silence, and it seemed to her that he might want to say something more, when, as if on cue:

"Okay folks, let's talk about what you guys came up with." There was Mr. Litten up front, wanting to talk about the stupid lab.

She needed to find out more about this party, but first she needed to get to a bathroom--pronto.

Gary tried in vain to talk himself down on his way home, but the uncontrollable energy of anticipation in his body refused to cooperate. He was riding an all too familiar roller coaster of emotions. The excitement and ballooning affection he felt for Kathleen battled with his sobering feelings of stupidity when he reminded himself how little it probably all meant to her. She liked him as a friend, just like all the others had. It was him who always took it a step too far--the Valentine's card that said a tiny bit too much, or the birthday gift that was a little too expensive.

He was trying to learn from his mistakes, and he was terrified that asking her to T.'s Halloween party would be just that. He didn't want to see Kathleen look at him with the same "poor Gary" eyes that the others had, or see her shut down all those flirty, fun things about her in the interest of saving his feelings in the long run. It would be so much easier if he could just turn off this aching need he had to love someone.

He was already afraid that he might have gone too far. He felt terrible for upsetting her when he peeked over at her drawings, but they were all just so beautiful. Every time he saw her, Kathleen seemed more and more sexy to him. It was all he could do not to keep his eyes from staring like a mindless lecher at the tight breasts pressing against her shirt, or her bare legs and her toes as they playfully wrapped around the steel base of her lab chair. There was so much in Kathleen's description of Kelly that Gary loved about Kathleen. He wished he had had the guts to tell her that.

T. just had to have it wrong. Gary was convinced that having sex with someone like that, with Kathleen, couldn't help but be an incredible experience. The overwhelming feelings in his body even now were enough to convince him that the reality might just give him a sublime heart attack.

After pacing the house most of the night, sick with the idea of actually eating any dinner, he said goodnight to his parents and went to his room.