Graceless

But I'm not a quitter or a coward. So I was going to give it a go, even if it presented the possibility of Derek never wanting to meet me again. So I gently swayed and did my best to block out the other people in the room.

Obviously Derek didn't look like the average Irishman. But he seemed at home on the dancefloor. He looked cool, and dare I say, he looked sexy. His moves were simple but effective. And I'm pleased that he didn't resemble the dreaded drunk uncle at a wedding... or an Irish funeral. He was a celebration in his own right. And I wanted to join his party.

It could very well have been the alcohol but I felt myself loosen and even began to forget myself as I danced. Like a teen at a school disco I wanted attention from the cool kid. I wanted Derek's attention so began dancing close. He soon coaxed me into his personal space, which I was only too willing to oblige.

Electricity coursed through me. I felt excited. I felt young.

I discovered that play was better than work. The boardroom never felt so far away. Phillip's annoying stories about his marriage problems had been forgotten. It was about me and Derek, that was all that mattered right now.

Derek took my hands in his. Was he going to kiss me? Too soon perhaps. But I wouldn't have tried to stop him. I haven't kissed anyone in... years. Not going to be precise. But when I last kissed someone romantically, smartphones were considered a novelty and Skype was just a dyslexic word for the big blue thing above the clouds.

My world moved in rapid revolutions as Derek span me around. I laughed aloud. He then began to dance with me wrapped in his arms. I never wanted to leave.

We could have been at a drunken wedding reception. I usually hate weddings. But this one was fun. Maybe ours could be the same.

Derek spinned me again, as we did our best impression of a hybrid of Rock n Roll and 70s disco dancing. But this proved too much for me and my belly of Guinness. I begged him to stop.

Then suddenly I crashed into a crowd of bodies then tumbled on to the wooden floor boards.

Derek grabbed my hand and lifted me up onto my feet. "Jesus. You OK?"

"I'm OK. Feel a little sick though. I don't know what happened but my feet just went from beneath me. I guess someone spilled something on the floor."

A bald thickset man pushed Derek on his chest with his tattooed arm. "Hey. Watch it. Fuck face."

"Hey. I'm sorry, man. We were just having a good time. "

"Well, your good time cost me my Jack and coke."

"Look. I apologised, didn't I? But let me buy you another."

"I suppose that's what happens when we let the likes of you in here."

Derek suddenly became annoyed, but that's as far as his anger went. He put his hand on my shoulder. "Come on, let's go."

"Derek!" This was pure racism and I wasn't going to let it go unanswered, and grabbed Derek by the his arm. "We're not going anywhere."

"We're clearly not welcome."

"We're staying. That's the end of it. No one tells us what to do."

The man pointed at Derek. "Control your woman.""

"Calm down."

"Get her out of here."

Derek glanced at me. "Come on. Let's leave before it gets out of hand.

"No."

"Grace."

I didn't listen to Derek, and eyeballed the bald headed fool. "No one controls me, just like no one controls Derek. This is a free country. Just a shame it's also home to ignorant fools like you.."

"I'm not ignorant. I just had my night ruined by a couple of idiots jumping around like a group of wounded ducks. Now I suggest you leave before this really does get out of hand."

"No. We have every right to be in here. So we're going to go and finish our drinks. We might even order another."

~

I was furious as we sat in the corner of the bar. I hate injustice. But the one thing I hate more than injustice is cowardness. The bald headed guy was a horrible man. However, my heart bled for Derek who badly let himself down. In fact, I wasn't sure I could respect a man who doesn't fight for himself. Derek could tell I felt deflated. "I'm sorry, Grace."

"Stop saying sorry. You risk sounding wet."

"Thanks a lot for standing up for me. But you really shouldn't have. Though, I appreciate it all the same."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

"What's wrong?"

Despite not wanting to hurt Derek, I couldn't hold it in. And unleashed all my pent up frustration. "I'll tell you what's wrong. What I wanna know is, why didn't you stand up for yourself?"

"And do what?"

"Be a man."

"I am a man. More than you'll ever know."

"I'm sorry. But racism... I can't stand it."

"It happens. Nothing much a man like me can do."

"But... what do you mean? How can you just stand there and take it without getting angry. It's disgusting."

"Of course I was angry. Look. If it was just me and those guys, I might be dead right now. Or at best in a cell. Whatever I do, I would end up losing."

"You don't have to fight it with your fists. You're smart. Just use that noggin of yours."

Derek sat there like an empty sack, almost sinking into his bench. "Look. Mind if I go back home now. I don't really feel good about myself right now."

"I was having a good time until the accident. Please stay with me. I like you."

"I had my reasons about not retaliating. But what is unforgivable is not having your back. I should have defended you. A woman shouldn't have been left to defend the both of us. I'm ashamed of myself for that. And so should you."

"Let's write tonight off. But let's promise to meet again."

"I don't know. I should have known that dating a white woman would get me into trouble."

I couldn't believe my ears. It was now my turn to be offended. "It's not the 1930s now. Society has changed."

"You only have to scratch beneath the surface and old habits are easy to find. Trust me on that."

"Derek."

"No. It's not going to work. Let me take you to a cab. Forget about me."

I watched as Derek rose from his bench. "If you walk away from me. Then you're right, you are a coward because you've let them win."

"I can't change the world on my own. They won a long time ago."

We walked silently to the waiting cab. We didn't even kiss goodbye. I felt dejected. But if Derek wasn't going to fight for me, why should I fight for him?





Chapter 3

I didn't check the dating profile for several days. Work was manic but I felt I needed a break. One date and I was already emotionally strained.

But by the following Friday I was ready for more and found myself back in Phillip's office, annoying him. I studied the photograph on the monitor. Having decided that I wanted a manly man, I had instructed Phillips to hunt one down for me. And this was the result. A white stubble faced bloke. I gazed at Phillip's monitor. "Handsome... if a bit rough."

"A rough diamond, I think."

"How... rough, exactly?"

"He's done time."

"Phillip!"

Phillip sat up straight as he defended himself. "You told me that you wanted someone the opposite of the likes of me or Derek. Well, I'm straighter than a ruler and squarer than a club sandwich. And he's not black like Derek."

"I just want a man who has backbone and can stand up for himself."

"Gavin can stand up for himself... and dish it out a bit too. "

"Oh. He's not a murderer, is he?"

"A reformed fraudster."

"Well, not so bad. The taxman is a friend to no one."

"Bastards, the whole lot of them."

However, I could tell the sneaky git was hiding something. "Phillip."

"What is it, Ma'am?"

"You're hiding something?"

"I'm not..."

"I know you too well. Look at you. You're squirming on your on your backside like a dog that is in good need of worming tablet. What is it?"

"Grievous bodily harm. Although he was never convicted. Settled out of court."

"Oh dear."

"But he did always claim self defence... he was evicting a stowaway from the back of one of trucks. Got a bit tasty."

"I'll have to sleep with this one." I closed my eyes, then let out a sigh. "Obviously I was suppose to say... I'll have to sleep on this one - meaning to think about it, Phillips."

"Of course, Ma'am."

~

The next morning I reclined in the chair and stared at the ceiling of my wet room. I let out a long sigh as the rhythmic motion of the hairdresser's fingers massaged the shampoo into my hair. It felt stimulating... a little too stimulating. It was quite depressing how low single women can stoop to find their thrills. It was then I decided to give Phillips a call to inform him of my decision. " Phillip, it's a yes for tonight."

"I knew it would go ahead. I was so confident that I took the liberty of making the arrangements."

"It better not be the same Irish bar as last week."

"No."

"Good. Which delightful place will it be?"

"A truckstop."

"What?"

"I had no choice." Phillip sounded a little sheepish. "It had to be on his terms."

"I should not have to bend to anyone's terms?"

"You wanted a strong man. Well, he's demonstrating his backbone."

I liked a challenge. The harder the better too... no innuendo intended. "I suppose this is going to be... interesting."

"Gavin insists that you meet at the Green Water Creek truck stop"

"It sounded like he was renting a hooker."

"However, Gavin told me to apologize on his behalf, but that he has commitments at his yard, and that it's the closest place that does a good meal. "

I felt a little bit better. It's good sign that he can apologise. "At least he's not a total bastard." However, I still hold reservation about Gavin. Derek might have been just a teacher, but at least he was educated. Couldn't say the same for poor Gavin "Phillip, you do realise you're palming me off to a ex convict trucker?"

"Hardly. He owns a logistics firm. He's a self made man."

"Ah. That sounds better. I like a self made man."

"Have a little faith."

"Right well. Seeing as you're having a hard time with your missus. You can take me there, and hover nearby in case anything goes wrong. I want you armed too, and I don't mean with your bloody feather duster."

The limo drove me out of town. With every passing mile the buildings got more industrial and shabbier as we drove through the old docklands. We pulled into a truckstop that appeared popular with the lowlife. I didn't get out. People had already noticed the car and plenty of sets of eyes had clocked us. In that respect I was happy that the windows were tinted. After ten minutes I called Phillips on the car's intercom. "Take me back."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. This was clearly a mistake."

"Whatever you wish, Ma'am"

As the limo's engine purred into life, a huge truck blasted its air horn as it pulled into the parking lot from the highway. Written on the trailer was Cain's Haulage. That, I took it, was my man. "Phillip, is that him?"

"Gavin Cain, it is."

"Right. Wish me luck."

"Good luck. I hope you have all the fun you need."

"Love... I'm looking for love."

"In that case I wish you find both."

I opened the door of the limo, but then paused as I watched Gavin climb backwards out of his high rise cab. My stare remained glued to his pert backside. "I've found the fun already."

~

Gavin was wearing a stetson and stonewash jeans on top of cowboy boots. I found myself Woody out of Toy Story? Still, he had a chiseled look about his face, and he cut a good figure in the cheque shirt and denims. No beer belly too."I'm Grace."

"I suppose I should thank you for coming all the way out here."

"There's no suppose about it."

"Ah, I was only playin. I'm grateful. But I like a feisty woman."

"Good" Initial thoughts were positive. Gavin was Hot. There's no denying the attraction I felt. He came across very manly and cheeky. I could have very well bagged myself an Alpha male."I'll enjoy the verbal jousting."

"As long as you don't become proper ball busters."

"I very much doubt that."

"I'll be the judge of that."

The last comment grated a little. But Gavin's looks melted away my distaste. I found It easy to let go.

~

Inside the diner there was a smell of grill and fries. Not an unpleasant smell, but far from my refined taste. But I didn't mind slumming it for the evening. "So Gavin, you've done time. It must have been hard."

"I have. It wasn't exactly a holiday."

"I hope you don't mind, but I had someone do a background check. I have to be careful of the people I meet."

"Well, in that case, I'm surprised you still met me."

I felt a little awkward as I met his dark brooding eyes with mine. "I want a real man."

"He's sitting right here in front of you. And if you want it... you can have him on top of you."

Wow. Never heard someone so forward. But it ignited my flame. "I'll let you know... in due time."

"This here 100% American beef is ready for loving as soon as you are, girl."

"Good to hear. Let's get back to questions."

Gavin shrugged his heavy shoulders. "If you like."

"Did prison change you..?"

"No not really. Well, maybe I appreciate the open road a bit more. You know, freedom."

I admit it. My body was purring for his touch. I could hardly contain myself. As the food arrived, I couldn't even eat it. I just watched Gavin demolish his meal with absolutely no finesse. But, to be frank, I couldn't care less. I'm Gavin's girl now.

"That was a mighty fine meal." Gavin then stared at mine. "Why the hell, you not eating?"

"I've lost my appetite."

"Want me to get it bagged up for you? You have it for breakfast tomorrow."

"No. I'm OK." I could see Gavin eyeing up my steak. "You can have it."

"I can't fuck on a full stomach."

"Excuse me?"

"Weighs me down and I just want to sleep. No word of a lie, girl, even if you were sucking my nuts, O'd just doze off right there like a baby. Better I leave it."

"Oh my God."

"Listen, Sugar Tits. Seeing how hot you are, I was planning on bringing my A game."

"Whoa. Gavin. Talking about getting ahead of yourself."

"Every thoroughbred needs a jockey."

"Every village has an idiot."

"Every bar has a slut."

"Look. This can go on, and on."

"Exactly might point. So let's cut the bullshit." Gavin almost sounded threatening. "We know why we're both here. For whatever reason, you left it late in life to go looking for love." He then placed his hand on his chest. "I'm sure you'll find a man to settle down with, one who respects you and loves you. After tonight you go on and that's good and wholesome life." He then took a swig from his beer. " But believe me, every woman needs to live a bit, needs to experience the dangers to truly appreciate the real love when it comes. A lot of women aren't brave enough to seek it, and when they want to, it's too late. Marriages are ruined cause it breaks out when they're weak or low." He brushed my cheek with his hand."But I'm willing to help you. You're safe with me.... I'll give you night of fantasies. Hot, dirty fantasies. It will make you stronger, in the future"

I had never heard such shit in my life. But those fantasies sure sounded good. I had lived a sober life for over forty years. It was time to have a few regrets. "Be a hero and treat me like a dirty wench.."

~

Gavin led me to his truck. "I just had my cabin cleaned, so the only stains you find in the morning should are yours."

"You're a man with a dirty mouth."

"I'm not looking for a lady... I'm looking for a woman. So let's get inside and see which one you are."

"I'm excited. I've never had sex in a vehicle."

Gavin reached up and opened the door to his cabin. He stepped aside so I could climb up into the cab. But as I did I felt his hand reach up the the inside of my leg, and feel my inner thigh. "You haven't lived. Just be careful coz this truck has a gear stick."

"I might not complain if it does."

"My kinda girl."

Gavin pushed me across the bench seat of the cab. It was already made into a bed. "You were confident."

"I sensed something in your email."

It was Phillips who wrote my emails. Probably why he sensed the desperation.

~

There was no tenderness in his kisses. It was carnal, it was wild and boarded on aggressive. But I didn't feel in danger, rather the opposite. I felt alive.

His hand felt their way across my dress, then under it. My mind had escaped amongst the promises of ecstasy. Despite having OCD being dirty can have it's moments. Just long as those stains really are mine.

Gavin lay ontop of me, his mouth clamped on mine. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't hide the fact I was wet. My legs parted and gave his hands access to my inner woman. I closed my eyes while his fingers entered me. Clearly an expert he played my clit with his thumb. Not even I was that quick to find it.

I hadn't sensed this excitement since... well, never before. I grabbed his head by the hair. "Just fuck me."

"Wank me first."

I felt something pressing against the side of my hip. I reached down and held onto something hard and rubbery. "Is that the gearstick?"

"No."

"But that's as big as my forearm."

"Time to open up, Sugar."

I held onto the steering wheel, then clamped my mouth onto his shoulder to prevent myself from screaming. "No... stop. You're too big."

"Open the glove box. You'll find a tub of axel grease."

"You can fuck, right off."

"Just joking, it's vaseline."

"What kind of trucker travels with a tube of lube?"

Gavin let out a sigh, as he massaged me with the vaseline. "A lonely one." For a brief moment Gavin could have been vulnerable. But it passed quickly because within seconds he had two lubed fingers inside me, playing me like a finger puppet.

Despite the vaseline it still burned as Gavin slowly pushed his weight against me. As his cock sunk even deeper I burrowed my face onto the crux of his neck. But after the initial penetration I felt as though I was riding a coaster of lust. This was far from love. It felt sinful, but it had been years since I had been to church. Don't think i'll even be going back for while yet.

As I was being used as a pincushion I suddenly realised Gavin wasn't using a condom. But the waves of lust kept washing over the fears of danger. I closed my eyes and wished for the best.

And then it happened. He soaked me. As soon as I finished Gavin rolled off and gave me a box of tissues. "You probably want these."

"Thanks. Such a gentleman." Looks like I'll have to book myself into the clinic. "I hope you're clean."

~

We slept in the cab all night. Well, Gavin did. I lay in his arms, listening to him snoring. The feeling of Gavin's semen oozing out of me, every five minutes wasn't the most comfortable feeling - and certainly didn't help bring on sleep.

Eventually, the sun broke on the horizon. Fortunately Gavin was an early riser, waking with the dawn.. Despite knowing what we had done. And the fact I had agreed to this knowing what it entailed. Stupidly so. I still had to know. "Do you think we'll meet again"

"Remember what I said, Gladis."

"Grace. My name is Grace."

"Grace. Sorry, I'm rubbish at remembering names. Well I told you I like my freedom. You want marriage. I can't give you that."

"I know." I opened the door and slipped out of the cab. It was then realised that we had sex outside the restaurant... there were people around, all knowing what I had done. "I'm shameless."

I phoned Phillips to come and rescue me.

~

I had never hated myself more. I felt dirty. I was dirty. Simply, I felt I had become everything I loathed. A small part of me found solace in fact that this was part of finding love... or at least having fun while on the journey to find something deeper. But this hurt, and I'm not talking about my throbbing 'you know what.'

No this sucked. Sucked big time. I smelled like a hooker. I felt like a hooker. In fact the only thing that separated me and a hooker was that she was clever enough to get paid. I was stupid enough to come across the fucking city at my own cost only to be someone's entertainment.