Green E - Cursed or BlessedbyBOSTONFICTIONWRITER©
I received a green E the other day for my story, Celebrities: Insert Name. I laughed. I cried. I was shocked. It is a big responsibility wearing this big green E around my neck 24/7. I hope the thing doesn't rust because I've been showering while wearing it. Suddenly, my chest is more puffed out and my head is definitely bigger, as more people notice the greatness, the grandeur and the glamour of my green E. The only thing that will get me down from the ceiling is if Literotica tells me that the green E stands for enema or excrement, which is what they thought of my story and my writing and why they gave me a green E.
I had no idea what it meant to get a green E. I assumed that it was something bad and that I had done something wrong. I don't know; I was thinking of the words, Excuse, as in there is no excuse for this bad writing or Exiled, as in being banned from writing stories on Literotica. I sent a couple e-mails to some of my cyber friends who I correspond with asking them what it meant to get a green E. Then, I started getting comments on my story and e-mails from those who knew me and/or from those who read my stories congratulating me on receiving a green E.
Before receiving answers from the e-mails that I sent asking what the green E meant, I checked the F.A.Q. link on Literotica's site and it read. "The yellow E's denote Editor's Choice stories. These are pieces that we really like -- just our opinion."
Yellow E's? But, I received a green E. Then, what the Hell does a green E signify? More importantly, is there a yellow E, too? Suddenly, I envisioned getting a yellow E, too, and wearing both a green E and a yellow E around my neck. What does a yellow E mean and how do I get one? Do I have to sleep with one of the editors for that award? Or did they just change the color of the E from yellow to green and not update their F. A. Q? "Hey, I didn't get the memo." Or, is there something wrong with my monitor. Now, that would explain why the photographic image on my computer of my Asian friend, Sue Lee, makes her look a little sick, kind of like an Oriental Martian.
After writing, submitting, and posting 77 stories and 47 poems, this is my first green E. I do not know how it is determined that a piece is deserving of a green E or who makes that decision. I wish I knew the answer to those two questions because now, I want to receive more green E's, although after submitting this piece, I may never receive another green E again. Nonetheless, if I receive more red H's and more green E's by the holidays, then my Bostonfictionwriter page will look like a Christmas tree and I will not have to bother with decorations.
"Honey, with all the red H's and green E's that I received, if we leave my Literotica author's page open with the monitor sitting over the fireplace, we won't have to decorate this year."
"Freddie, take the monitor off the fireplace and go out and buy a Christmas tree...now."
Hold on a second, I have to remove the green E from around my neck; I'm getting a backache from having it fall forward while typing. The thing is E-normous and it pulls my neck down hurting my upper back. It must weigh 10 pounds. It looks like one of those Olympic gold medals, only bigger, way bigger. I wear it together with the green E t-shirt, green E baseball cap, and the green E satin, warm-up jacket with my name, Bostonfictionwriter, emblazoned on the back that Literotica kindly and generously sent me when I got my green E.
It is a pretty green, though, and the green E glows in the dark.
"Freddie, take the damn green E off your neck and put it away in the nightstand draw. I can't sleep with that bright light. It's like having a giant nightlight on in the room. You look like are wearing Kryptonite. You look radioactive. You look ridiculous."
"Honey, if you are real good to me," I said with a wink and giving her my sexiest smile while holding my package, "I'll let you wear my green E...sometime...maybe...never."
"Right now, I need to get some sleep." She turned to face me. "I'd like to stick that green E up your ass sideways with the E facing upward."
That was my girlfriend. I think she's just overly tired and cranky and a little bit green with envy over my green E.
Then, I discovered, quite by accident after nearly causing one, that it is not good to drive with my green E around my neck at night. It blinds the oncoming drivers and they really get pissed.
"Hey, take that green E and shove it!"
I think they are just jealous.
Hold on a second, a Massachusetts State trooper is pulling me over on the Mass Pike. He probably recognizes my car and wants to congratulate me on receiving my green E.
"What's this? You want my autograph on a $100 ticket for driving while wearing a green E? Just so that I can understand, officer, I can drive while talking on my cell phone and drinking coffee but I cannot drive while wearing my green E?"
He's probably pissed because he is a basher on Literotica who will never receive a green E.
Maybe it is just a rumor, but I heard through the Literotica grapevine that once a year, Literotica hosts a big bash for all the green E recipients. I, also, heard that they hold the party in England and that even Queen Elizabeth is invited because she secretly writes under the name of Queen E and has accumulated a multitude of green E's from writing about all the affairs and sex scandals of the royal family. Shh...come closer to the monitor, I don't want everyone to know. The walls have ears. Someone told me, I don't want to mention names but, that Literotica gives one lucky green E recipient a green, Mini Cooper S sidewalk edition convertible that has a green top, special wheels, and custom leather interior. Wow!
"Geez, I hope I win. Those Mini Coopers are cute."
Don't quote me on this but someone else told me that they send a limousine to your house and drive you to the airport where you are flown first class and put up in a swanky hotel suite with all expenses paid. Once there, I'm told, they escort you to a huge banquet room where they have a big feast of food and an open bar. I plan on having a special forest green tuxedo made to wear with my Kelly green E. I cannot wait to attend. I have already written my acceptance speech.
"I'd like to thank Literotica for giving me this beautiful green E. I wish my mother and father could be here, but they are both dead. I'd like to thank my wife who I separated from 3 years ago and my girlfriend who loves me, I think. I'd like to thank my beautiful, still single, college educated 25-year-old, identical twin daughters and if there are any rich and kind single guys out there, 25-30, please contact me on their behalf. On second thought, never mind, maybe this is not the best place to solicit husbands for my daughters. I'd like to thank my dog, an energetic, pain-in-the-ass Rat Terrier, for taking me on 3 mile walks in the dog park every day while I think about what stories to write. I'd like to thank Reebok for making a walking shoe that does not have tons of ripples in the bottom where you can never remove dog shit from when you step on a warm, smelly pile. I'd like to thank the Boston Red Sox for having the best winning record in the major leagues. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Tony Blair for his support and wish him luck in his new career. Lastly, we need to end the war in Iraq and send our service people home. Okay, the music is playing; I have to get off the stage. Thanks for the green E and goodnight!"
Okay, I have to go. There's someone at my front door and I want to put on my green E over my green E t-shirt before going downstairs to answer it. Wait, I want to look in the mirror to see if it is hanging straight and that there are no fingerprint smudges. It just needs a little wipe from my green E t-shirt. Perfect. I hope it's my next door neighbor. He thinks he's a writer. Wait until he gets a load of my green E. Oh, wait, let me put on my green E warm-up jacket and green E baseball cap to give him the full treatment. Now, I'll get the door.
"Oh, hi! You are from Literotica? Where's the limo? There's no party? What about the Mini Cooper? Geez, what do you mean it was a mistake giving me this green E. Are you kidding me? I have to give it back? Hey, wait, don't pull, let me take it off first, you're hurting my neck. But, I told everyone that I received a green E. You want the t-shirt and the warm-up jacket, too? Can I keep the baseball cap, at least? Geez, here, take it."
Finally, they are gone and, suddenly, I feel so naked. I am so glad they did not give me green E pants and underwear.