Grief

"What the hell, John?" Marilyn protested. She was frustrated that an entire week of her work had been sent arbitrarily down the drain.

"My office, Marilyn." John began walking away from Marilyn and her neighboring co-workers found reasons not to look at John walking to his office or a flustered Marilyn preparing to follow him.

As she entered, he ordered her to close the door and sit down. She complied and now nervously awaited why she had been summoned.

"Marilyn, I realize you are undergoing a lot of stress right now. The problem is that it is starting to impact on your work. It didn't take me thirty seconds to see that you totally had the parameters all wrong on your project. You've apparently been missing it for a week."

Marilyn was flustered from John's revelation. She started to stammer an apology. John held up his hand, "It's okay, Marilyn. We got plenty of time to correct and get the project in the allotted time frame. What I'm worried about is you. You are the best person I got out on the floor and when you suffer; we all suffer. As I said, I know that things are tough for you. Tell me what I can do to help? Do you need time off? Would you like to take a sabbatical? Do I need to assign you an assistant? What do you need Marilyn, talk to me."

Marilyn stared at the floor, "John, I'm sorry I messed up. I got so much going on right now. The doctors are talking about replacing bone marrow and we are in the process of looking for suitable donors and all I can think about is that it is just going to mean more pain for my baby! Ray is going to be the first donor and the other day I got pissed off at him because I thought we were going to be late getting to the doctor and I chewed him out. My husband is trying to save my daughter's life and all I can do is pick a fight with him."

Marilyn paused as she fought to regain control of her emotions.

"I need to work, John. We have to have the medical coverage for Rachel. But, I also need the diversion of not seeing my daughter sick so I can keep my sanity. I know that doesn't make any sense to you, but it is the truth."

"Marilyn, it does make sense to me. I never told anyone here at the office, but, I lost my father to cancer when I was a child and I remember how it affected me and my mother. She had to do the same thing, work to keep her mind off it. I would spend all day playing outside, so I didn't have to see him wasting away in his bedroom. Funny thing is I now realize he didn't resent me doing that. He didn't want me to see him in that shape either." John quietly said.

"Marilyn, I know you internalize everything because I recognize you doing the same thing that I do. But it is okay to talk to someone. And if you ever need to talk to someone give me a call. I'll help you in any way I can. Now what you need to do is go make things right with your husband.

So, get out there and reprogram your project and I'll get Teri and Frank to help you out. I'll help review the progress and we will get this behind you so you can go tend to your little girl. Is that a deal?"

A relieved Marilyn stood up and smiled and said, "Thank you, John." As she walked out of his office, she thought how lucky she was to have such an understanding boss.

Christmas came around and Rachel celebrated her fifth birthday. She was surrounded by all her family; parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins when the birthday cake was presented. She made her birthday wish after everyone sang Happy Birthday and Marilyn had to help the weakened child blow out all the candles.

When she was asked what she wished for, she responded that she wanted a White Christmas. No one tried to tell her how rare it was to get snow in their region of the country. They instead diverted her attention on the double load of gifts she got for her birthday and Christmas.

Rachel spent the day ripping through presents as everyone ohhed and ahhed over them. Ray moved around stiffly trying to videotape the event. He still hadn't quite recovered from the bone marrow procedure. He thought back on the torture he underwent and he knew that Rachel had been subjected to the same pain. He teared up from the memory and it caused his eyes to blur through the viewfinder.

He quickly handed the camera to Marilyn so he could recover. He ran his hand over the stubble of hair growing on his head. He and Marilyn were willing to remain bald for Rachel's sake, but, she told them that she liked them better with hair. He looked at his wife and saw her hair was also beginning to grow back. It will take a while to get back to the length she preferred, he thought. Still it would take a long time to approach the length when he first met her.

God, I still remember that like it was yesterday, he thought, delving into the memories of his college years. He and some of his hometown buddies had banded together to lessen the stress of the startling transition to campus life at a large university. The funny thing was he didn't particularly care for some of the guys in the group, it was just a safety in numbers thing.

The gang, along with a few stray roommates tagging along had decided to attend a freshman party. The more brazen of the guys quickly went solo into the target rich environment of young, good-looking females who similarly had huddled together for mass protection.

Ray watched enviously as more and more of the guys would see someone that struck their fancy and go make a move on them. Ray wasn't built that way. He knew if he went and tried to talk to a pretty girl out of the blue he would stammer and babble and ultimately convince her that she was talking to a certified idiot.

No, for Ray, it would require getting to know her and getting comfortable being around her. Then, he could let down his guard and begin to show his best attributes; compassion, consideration, empathy, humor, kindness, loyalty and other qualities that weren't meant to be seen in a glib moment's glance.

Still as he watched guys getting shot down in flames he wondered if he would ever find someone he was meant to be with. He noticed several of his buddies had gotten past the initial introduction stage and were having animated conversations with the clusters of girls and fingers were pointed in the guys' directions and female eyes were gauging the various males.

Ray realized that it was likely that he would be paired up to an equivalent wingman...(or should that be wingwoman?) and while his input would be considered, the collective consensus of the group would be the determining factor...at least for this initial meeting.

Slowly the converging groups of males and females merged by osmosis and names and introductions were given in the din of the party. It was amusing to see the frantic looks of everyone's faces trying to match names to faces for the remainder of the evening.

It was also clear to see which pairings were off to a good start and those that were doomed from the beginning. Ray was lost in the swirl of the group when a girl he had been introduced to by his roommate collared him and said, "Ricky, I want you to meet someone!"

He couldn't remember the name of the girl either, but he felt irritated that she had forgotten his name, especially when she presumed to know him well enough to introduce him to someone. Simultaneously, as he was saying, "It's not Ricky, it's Ray!" The benefactor was melding him close to someone and said, "Mary meet Ricky!" The unknown person was similarly frustrated as she said, "My name is Marilyn; not Mary!"

And in that convergence of time and space, Ray was stunned to see the dark-haired beauty as he offered his hand for an introduction. My God, how did I not see her before! He thought as he focused on her. She was roughly, five feet, ten inches; dressed in a simple floral print dress which still managed to show off her fantastic body. Her shoes were sandals, so as, to not intimidate any males by wearing heels. Ray had the sudden realization that with heels on; he would be looking at this bewitching girl at eye level. Sea green eyes that threatened to unsettle him. Eyes that would take a lifetime to worship.

As her warm soft hand slid into his, she beamed a smile and she shook her head sending the waves of long, silky, jet black hair away from her face as she said, "Hi Ray, it is nice to meet you."

And in truth it was nice for Marilyn to meet Ray. She had immediately regretted agreeing to come to the college mixer. "Come on Mary, it will be fun!" her roommate said. She was exasperated. For three days she had shared a room with three other girls and they STILL couldn't get her name right! But, finally they wore her down and she agreed to go and it was just like high school.

As soon a boy saw how tall she was; they veered away from her to keep from hurting their fragile egos. She had undergone a series of subtle rejections as boys would ask various girls around her to dance; yet, ignore her. She knew, despite her height, she was attractive, and more important, she was smart and articulate. Yet, for all that, she wondered whether she would be seen as an object of ridicule in college as she had been in high school.

She knew none of the other girls ever had to spend their high school weekends dateless. She knew none of them were so desperate to go to the prom that they accepted the only invitation offered. She knew that none of them went with the shortest boy in their class, which caused her classmates to snicker when they posed for the prom picture. She knew none of them were dumped by their prom date once the wager was won by her date for taking her out to the prom. She still had the image of the runt walking through the crowd waving the dollar bills victoriously over his head to the shouts and accolades of his buddies.

She thought college would be a fresh start and so she opted to go cross country to go to school to get away from her past. But, apparently that wasn't enough. Boys were not going to give her a chance at college either, she thought when her roommate incorrectly introduced her to another boy that was sure to flee at the first chance.

Then came the pleasant surprise of seeing a very attractive guy looking at her with interest. She smiled as he stammered his name to her and she corrected her roommate's mistake and told him her name. Instead of immediately commenting on what the weather was like up there, or some other infantile height joke, Ray began asking her the obvious questions; where was she from, what was she majoring in, how did she like school.

But after satisfying those questions, he continued to stare at her with those green eyes lasered in on her with rapt attention. She realized that he was desperate to keep the conversation going with her. This was an unexplored sensation for Marilyn and she reveled in his attention.

She could tell Ray was frustrated having to engage in a conversation while competing with the excessive noise level at the party. He leaned into her and said, "Would you like to go to Sally's and get a cup of coffee?" She smiled and immediately agreed. They walked out of the chaotic event and began talking in normal tones as they walked to the nearby coffeeshop.

They walked at an easy pace and topics of conversation segued as they entered the shop. Ray automatically held her chair as Marilyn sat down. It never dawned on him to worry that Marilyn would think of him as a chauvinist. And Marilyn never felt that Ray was treating her as a second class citizen while they continued to talk.

The truth was they instinctively felt comfortable around one another. The waitress that served them would have sworn the couple were in a long term relationship rather than just meeting one another an hour ago. Smiles and laughter were present the entire time as they continued to ignore the other customers until they were informed it was closing time.

As Ray walked Marilyn back to her dorm, he saw her shiver slightly in the chill of the night. He quickly took off his jacket and draped it around her. Marilyn relished her first time to wear a boy's jacket. She had to endure too often watching the girls in high school wearing their boyfriend's letter jacket as a claim and commitment. Now she was hoping that she was being claimed.

A moment of panic seized her, Oh my God am I imagining things? Maybe I need to slow down before I run him off from me, she thought. But the ever present look of interest in Ray's eyes as they walked in the gleam of the nightlights assuaged her concerns as she cradled herself into the warmth of his jacket.

Ray was oblivious to the cold. His primary focus was studying the bewitching figure walking alongside him. All too soon, they had arrived at the dorm building where they finished their conversation and for a brief moment both hesitated as they grasped for a solution to end the night. Ray desperately wanted to kiss her, but wasn't sure how Marilyn would react.

His focus was to ensure that Marilyn would be receptive to seeing him again. He knew he had to see her again. Marilyn tentatively held her hand out, but she was hoping for so much more as she searched his eyes. Ray gripped the offered hand and in the scant seconds where they uncharacteristically fell silent, they both subtly moved toward each other and gave a soft light kiss to end the night.

As Ray watched Marilyn disappear into the building, he was aware that he was already yearning to see her again. Marilyn walked into her dorm room where her anxious roommates were waiting. "Mary-uh Marilyn, where have you been? You disappeared from us without telling us where you were going!"

Good, Marilyn thought, they were finally recognizing her name as she reluctantly shed herself out of Ray's jacket. She smiled and held the jacket and sniffed the scent. "Where did you get that?" asked one of her roommates.

She beamed at them and said, "I got this from the man I'm going to marry."

Across the quad in Ray's room, he was undergoing a similar interrogation.

"Damn, Ray, one minute you are there and the next time I looked up you were gone! Where the hell did you go?"

Ray could only grin as the questions from his roommates escalated from their curiosity. As guys are wont to do, the questions soon devolved from curiosity to ribald to down right crude.

"Ray, if you got a piece of that tall girl's ass you were with, I hope you broke her in for me, even if I will have to get a stepladder to screw her!" joshed Henry.

"Yeah, Ray, I would love to play periscope with those tits!" Adam laughed as his hands pantomimed peering closely into the large tits of an imaginary girl.

The room broke up into laughter until everyone came to the uncomfortable realization that Ray was not amused. As the laughter finally died off into uneasy silence, Ray spoke.

"Henry, you and Adam have been my buddies since elementary school. If you want to stay that way, then never say another disparaging word about Marilyn, or I'll kick your fucking asses."

The icy calm which Ray quietly employed the threat brought home the realization that a line had been drawn and Ray would tolerate no trespass. Uneasily, the boys drifted off to bed. Ray, remained awake late in the night bringing up images of Marilyn.

The next day in class, Ray was lost at sea as he ambled from one lecture to another. Thank God, none of the professors called on him. There was no telling what answer would have came from his befuddled brain.

Mercifully, the afternoon ended and Ray found himself at the Student's Commons sitting at an empty table. His cellphone was being toyed in his hand as he debated what to do. Even though, he didn't have that much practice with relations with girls, he knew the rule was you wait three days before calling them. He never questioned why it was a three day period. He supposed it allowed both parties to engage at a neutral level.

What if I call Marilyn? Would it scare her off? Would she be happy to hear from me? I need a reason to call! How do I explain why I am calling?

Those thought and others flooded into Ray's analysis as he swayed from fear to desire. GAAAA, he thought, why is it so damn tough to do this, he wondered as his hand finally found the nerve to dial Marilyn's number.

Marilyn was studying in her room. Well...she was trying to study in her room. All day long, her thoughts were of the wonderful evening she had spent with Ray. She had gone to bed clutching his jacket and drifted to sleep, comfortable in the subtle security of his scent on the leather.

What possessed me to tell those girls I found the man I was going to marry, she fretted. It was only one meeting, just a cup of coffee. How did I build this up? Am I that damn desperate? Hell, I probably scared him so bad that he still hasn't stopped running.

But then...there was that kiss. That wonderful gentle spark of connection. That instinctive desire to continue. God, he had to feel it as well, Marilyn thought as she tried to concentrate on her English Lit assignment.

Suddenly, her phone started chirping. Strange, it wasn't time for her weekly check in with her parents. She wasn't expecting a call from her roommates since they were down the hall visiting some other girls.

"Hello," she enquired. Ray was instantly transfixed by the voice as he mentally drew up an image of Marilyn to go along with the voice. In a panic, he realized he forgot the preconceived dialogue he intended to use.

"Uh, hi Marilyn, it's Ray...Ray Thompson...from last night...we had coffee..." Ray cringed as he castigated himself. Idiot, how many Rays' did she have coffee with last night? Still, he forced himself to stumble forward. "I was calling to see if you'd like to go get another cup of coffee..."

Marilyn had started smiling once she heard his voice and it became bigger after Ray asked his invitation. "Ray, I'd love to. Can I meet you back where we were last night in about half an hour?"

"That would be great, Marilyn. I'll go grab us a table. See you in a while!"

Her dread from reading Chaucer evaporated as she said goodbye and prepared to go out. What a strange sensation to get made up for a boy. She soon had bounded out of the building and walked briskly to Sally's. When she arrived, she peered into the crowd and spotted Ray as he rose up.

As Marilyn approached, Ray noticed that she wore his jacket again. Man, it looks so much better on her than it ever did me, he thought as he continued to follow her progress to the table. As they smiled at each other and said hi to one another, the fear slipped away and they relaxed into easy conversation again.

Again, they had remained till closing time and Ray walked her across campus again. When poised at her dorm's entrance, Marilyn began to shed off Ray's jacket. Ray told her to keep it since they had a study date at Sally's scheduled tomorrow so he could help her understand Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. They would probably be there till closing again.

This time there was less hesitation as they moved together for a goodnight kiss. As they meshed, Marilyn greedily snatched a second kiss and reluctantly said goodnight. Ray walked in solitude trying to cope with his feelings while savoring the taste of Marilyn's lipstick.

The study date led to another the next day and then another. On Friday evening Marilyn and Ray attended a symposium on film noire and shared popcorn as they watched Humphrey Bogart solve the crime and win the heart of Lauren Bacall. Saturday, they attended the University's football game. The dismal failure of the team couldn't dampen the enthusiasm both felt being around each other. Sunday, they agreed to go on a picnic in the attendance of several of their friends.

The next week was filled with study dates and the weekend allowed them time to enjoy each other's company on dates. So it went for the next months as Marilyn and Ray quietly became the core of their group of friends. They had not campaigned for that. It was just a natural reaction that they gave a stability to their group. Ray and Marilyn could only smile and laugh as their satellite of friends' dating adventures would be analyzed and discussed.