Guess Who?

Sam was so angry at Heidi that she hadn't paid any attention to what Justin had tried to get away with. Suddenly she got her wits back and turned to see him on the floor.Heidi took that opportunity for a chance at revenge. Only Kelly's horrified scream saved Sam and our baby.

Heidi had gotten up surprisingly spryly for a sick woman. Kelly had seen her though and screamed, "Noooooo!"

As usual, in an emergency, my first thought was Sam. I clothes lined my ex-wife, slamming her bodily onto the hard tiles just as her foot was about to make contact with its intended target.

"Okay, stop. Just fucking stop," screamed David.

"Dad, this has gone too far. You've gone too far," he said angrily. "You crossed a line."

"No he didn't, Honey," said Kelly, looking at the carnage that was all that remained of the Thanksgiving dinner she'd worked on for almost a week."

"Kelly, he body slammed an almost sixty year old sick woman. There's no way to justify that. No amount of hate or revenge can make that right."

"Dave, he didn't do it out of hate," said Kelly. "He did it out of love. Your mother was about to kick a pregnant woman in the stomach."

Dave's mouth dropped open. He looked at me and I nodded.

"If Kelly hadn't screamed," I said. "If that kick had landed, I'd have strangled your mother to death and went to jail gladly. Kelly probably saved at least two lives."

"Are you crazy, James?" yelled Heidi. "I'm your wife, your soul mate. I'm the mother of your ungrateful greedy assed children. You knocked me down over some slut that you've known for fifteen minutes." I grabbed Sam and pulled her down on my lap.

"Fuck this," said Dave angrily. "I need to know. Where the hell did all of this hate come from? What started this? Everyone go in the living room. I need to hear this."

"We have to clean up this..." began Kelly.

"No, we need to know what the fuck happened," yelled David.

"I told you," began Heidi from the floor.

"Mother, shut the fuck up," said the normally cheerful Sarah. "We've all heard your version. I want to hear the truth."

"Uhm, I'm sorry but I have to go to work," said Justin. "Sarah can tell me about it later."

"Sit your slimy ass down, Justin," I said.

"Justin, it's hard to go to work when you don't have a job," said David. "Sit down and shut up."

We all went into the living room. Dave lit a fire and we gathered around the fireplace.

"I fell in love with your mother the first time I saw her," I began. "It was 1973. I was 19 years old and we were both students at Central Michigan University. I was standing outside of one of the buildings on the campus and I saw this vision pass by in front of me. She was about 5' 1" with short blond hair. It was cut in kind of a bob and her eyes were so blue they made the sky look gray."

"Steady stomach," said Sam.

"Anyway, I crashed into a light pole and almost knocked myself out," I continued.

"Over her?" asked Sam. "I am definitely going to throw up."

"What did Mom do?" asked Sarah.

"She never even noticed me or what had happened to me," I said. "A lot of other people came over and checked on me. Some of them helped me up. Others helped me pick up my books and gather my papers that were flying all over the place but your mom never noticed me."

"I later found out that she'd been there to meet a tutor to help her write a paper for her English class and she'd gotten there over a half hour late. The guy was gone. As she turned to walk back to her dorm, she passed me again."

"And that's when you met," said Sasha.

"Can I tell this God damned story myself?" I asked. No one said anything, so I continued.

"No, we didn't meet. I was picking up the last of my papers and she stepped on my hand. Anyway, it was three days later that we met. I'd been obsessed with her ever since that first time I saw her. She had the look that was extremely popular back then. She was rail thin and had that David Bowie androgynous look."

I noticed Samantha holding her hand up. "Baby, this isn't school. If you have a question just spit it out," I said.

"What is the androgynous look?" she asked.

"You know that kind of other-world, neither male nor female look. She was slim with almost no breasts and no butt. A lot of famous models had that same look. They were all rail thin with skinny legs."

"So you liked girls that looked like little boys?" she asked.

"We all did," I said. "It was a different era. Women are still trying to be thin these days."

"You're lying," she said. "Men like women that look like women. In fact, it was my butt and tits that you saw before you ever noticed my face."

"Sam, Honey, can I finish?" she smiled and nodded.

"Anyway, I stepped out of my English class and there she was. She had glitter in her hair and six inch tall platform shoes on. I got giddy when I saw her standing there. I tried to walk past her to get to my next class and she moved into my path."

"Hey, I need to talk to you," she said.

"Don't worry about it," I said. "Apology accepted."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" she asked. "Why should I apologize to you?"

"Because of what happened the other day. I saw you walking and got so distracted that I crashed into a pole," I said.

"Dude, that's YOUR problem. Lots of guys crash into shit around me," she said. My fantasy was going south quickly.

"On your way back, you stepped on my hand," I tried.

"Why was your hand on the ground?" she asked. "Look, I need you to write a paper for me."

"Okay," I said. "I need you to go out on a date with me." She just started laughing as if it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard.

"I was embarrassed and pissed. I started walking away. She came clumping up behind me. It was really difficult to walk quickly in those shoes."

"Okay, okay, this is an emergency," she said. "We'll go on one date, for a paper that is worth at least a "B."

"Deal," I said. "When do you need it?"

"Tomorrow," she said. "Twenty five pages, single spaced on any subject you choose. I need at least five footnotes and three citations."

"She gave me her phone number so I could call her when it was done."

"In those days, it meant the number to the telephone in her dorm. No one had a cell phone back then."

"I busted my ass trying to come up with something and I did get a couple of great ideas. But there just wasn't time. So I did the next best thing. I gave her MY term paper. Mine wasn't due for a week. I called her the next morning and she gave me her address so I could deliver the paper."

"When I showed up with it she took it and said, "Thanks."

"Then she started to walk away."

"Hey, wait," I called after her. "What about our date?"

"She walked back to me and she was smiling. She put my neatly typed papers down on a table inside the door and stepped back onto the porch with me. In those days, there were no word processors and printers. I'd had to hand type the pages on a type writer. It was hell."

"Look Dude," she said. "Did you really think I was serious about that? All of my nights are booked up for the next three months. But I'll tell you what, the point of dating is to get a girl to notice you, so you can find out if you're compatible right?"

"I guess so," I said.

"Well," she said. "I date a lot of guys. I don't remember any of them most of the time. But you, I have noticed. That should be worth a lot. Next time I see you, I might even nod at you. A lot of girls will go out with you just because I nodded at you."

"Then she went back into her building and snatched the paper."

I paused there because all of my kids were alternating between staring at me and staring at Heidi.

"What a fucking bitch," said David.

"Dad, you were a wimp," said Sarah.

"Everyone on campus thought that Heidi was going to be a famous model," I said. "The modeling game was beginning to get big then. The money they made back then was chicken feed compare to what they get today, but it was really good back then."

"It must've been two or three months later that Heidi came over to me on campus."

"Hey James," she said. "It's been three months. Tonight is your night."

"Tonight is my night to what?" I asked.

"Your night to take me out," she said.

"What do mean?" I asked.

"Since I'd last spoken to Heidi, I'd learned a lot about her. In those days you didn't look at a facebook page. There really wasn't an Internet. You learned about people by talking to people who knew them. And I'd discovered that Heidi had quite a reputation. She was also known for taking advantage of people. Everyone I knew and trusted had told me to get over her and find someone else. Besides, I already had plans that night."

"It took Heidi all of six seconds to get me to change them. I'd been planning to go to the Kiss concert at Olympia Stadium that evening. I did have an extra ticket but I'd kind of promised it to my best friend."

"Heidi took my hand and stuck one of my fingers in her mouth and started sucking on it. I was a virgin so I felt that all the way down to my toes. My best friend was out. Heidi was getting the ticket."

"So what time are we meeting?" she asked.

"Six o clock," I said. "The concert starts at seven thirty. Their opening act is a local band called the Rockets."

"What are you talking about Jimbo," she asked.

"I'm taking you to see...KISS," I announced proudly.

"She immediately burst out laughing."

"Are you fucking retarded?" she laughed. "Why the hell would we want to go and watch a bunch of fags who wear more make-up than I do scream at each other and pretend they're monsters? That isn't even music. It's just screaming and noise." She stared at me and shook her head and then started jumping up and down while yelling, "Shout it...Shout it...Shout it out loud. We've got to have a party! Then she stuck out her tongue as far as she could and then spit."

"Happy now?" she asked. "That was all of the highlights from KISS concerts, so now we can do something different. We can get to know each other like adults. I'll meet you at your dorm building at ten. Make sure you don't forget the wine."

"Heidi, we can't drink wine," I reminded her. "I'm nineteen and you're only twenty. It's illegal."

"I suppose you're a virgin too?" she asked. I nodded. She just shook her head and walked away grumbling.

"So that was my dilemma. Should I go and see my favorite band with a group of my friends. Should I be there in the stands with thousands of like-minded people and have a great time? Or should I give my tickets away to spend the evening doing who knows what with a crazy woman. I think that was my Morpheus moment. It was that moment when the hand of fate asks if you want the blue pill or the red one."

"I think we all know which one I took. If I'd done the rational thing and gone back into the matrix, I wouldn't be sitting here with you all right now. I chose to go down the rabbit hole and here's the Paul Harvey."

"I met Heidi outside of the dorm at ten o clock. She was there right on-time, which should have told me something. Heidi never showed up on-time for anything. That night I was nervous as hell. It was the first time that I'd ever drank any alcohol. It was some kind of cheap, fruity, rot-gut wine. I ended up vomiting it all over the floor and all over Heidi. She still didn't leave. I was beginning to change my opinion of Heidi. She stayed with me and even kissed me after I'd vomited my guts out. Boy was I a moron. I even asked her why she stayed."

"I'm your girlfriend now," she told me. "Where's my sub?"

"I had no idea of what she was talking about but I kept kissing her. It was awful. I loved feeling her lips on mine. When she stuck her tongue in my mouth, I got weak in the knees and I was ready for action. But at the same time, I still had the taste of vomit in my mouth and it was sickening. She opened her blouse and put my hand inside on her breast. Your mom, even today, has no boobs. She got implants back in the nineties, but had to have them taken out. When she was twenty, there was nothing there. Kissing her gave me a bigger charge than feeling on her boob but I did it anyway because she seemed to like it."

"After a while she moved my hand under her skirt and started telling me how much she wanted me and how wet she was. She was lying. I was so nervous that I had no idea what she was talking about but trust me, I eventually learned what your mother felt like when she was wet. And that night she was lying through her teeth. She was as dry as the sand in the fucking Sahara."

"She reached into my pants and started to rub my dick. It was like having someone shoot a bolt of lightning up my ass. As soon as her fingers roughly grabbed my dick, it was as hard as a rock. She pulled my pants and my Superfriends Underoos down around my ankles. She got fear in her eyes then. I never realized it until much later but, my equipment was larger than average. Larger but inexperienced; because she rubbed it again and I guess she was looking at it to size it up. But just as she got it at face level, I felt that bolt of lightning shoot through me again and it went off. I must have shot a gallon of sperm all over her face and she was not pleased."

"You have to remember that this was before the days of water-proof make-up, so not only did she have my sperm all over her face, it caused her heavy make-up to run and she looked like a drunken circus clown. All of the wild colors from her royal blue eye shadow and the bright red from her rouge ran and blended together. Her silver sparkle lipstick and the glitter from her hair added to that mix-up, just made her look like an art project done by a six year-old."

"I could tell she wanted to quit and I felt bad for her. I knew she was trying to fuck me but I didn't know why she needed it that badly. I was really naïve. For me, her spending time with me was the greatest thing she could have given me. I had never had sex before and as close as we'd come would have given me a lot to brag about. But she persisted."

"Seeing her kneeling there with my sperm all over her ruined make-up kind of took away the thrill for me. She started rubbing my dick again trying to get it back up and it hurt. Another clue should have been the fact that she never asked me to do anything to her. Finally, I was ready again and she got on my bed and spread her legs."

"This thing is pretty big, so go slowly," she whined. She pushed forward and the tip of my dick went into her. Her eyes got really wide but she bit down on her lip and kept pushing. After I got a little further into her, the expression of pain on her face calmed a little and she started pushing against me a bit faster. If you're thinking that I was her first because that's what it sounds like, you're wrong. I wasn't even in her first twenty. She just hadn't had anyone as big as me in her."

"So, after we got me all the way in her, nature took over. It felt better than anything I had ever felt in my life, until two years ago," I said.

"Dad, what happened two years ago?" asked Sarah. I looked at Sam and she lit up. "Ohhh!" said Sarah.

"You probably just needed a recharge," quipped Heidi. "My touch had worn off of you by then."

"Anyway, we had sex and I felt like I was on cloud nine. I felt alive for the first time. I felt like a man. I wanted to walk differently and talk differently. I wanted to run around giving younger men the benefit of my worldly wisdom. I thought that I had discovered the secrets of the universe between Heidi's thighs. I felt like Neo, at the moment when he saves Morpheus and starts to believe that he is the one. Boy was I stupid."

"Anyway, she gave me another vomit filled kiss and snuck out of my dorm. I wanted to go to sleep and dream about what we'd just done but I couldn't. My door slammed open and every guy on my floor was staring at me like I was some kind of sex god. Apparently they'd heard us and listened. They'd even seen Heidi sneaking out of the building. They all wanted details and wanted her number so they could try to get some too. I told them that there was no way I'd give any of them her number because she was my girl."

"One of them, Marlon Hillabrew, had to be an asshole. He was probably jealous but he said it."

"From what I've heard, she's a lot of people's girl. So you're already sharing her with a bunch of other guys. Why can't some of them be your friends?"

"We didn't fight but we gave each other a lot of really evil looks."

"Anyway, I began the next day walking on rainbows with sunshine streaming out of my ass and ended it on pins and needles praying for a chance to survive. Heidi called me in tears early the next morning."

"You asshole," she screamed. "I trusted you. I told you I was your girlfriend..." then she slammed the phone down.

"I had no idea what was going on. So, as usual, when I was frustrated, I sat down and thought about everything. I came to the conclusion that Heidi was angry because all of my friends had found out about us having sex. There was really nothing else I could do about it. I called her and tried to apologize, but since I really hadn't told anyone I didn't feel guilty. She was the one who'd been doing all of the screaming."

"She hung the phone up on me as soon as she heard my voice. I should have smelled con-game, but once again I was the guy who put the "Nai" in "Naïve."

"She called me back a few minutes later in tears and sobbing over the phone. I was desolate to think that she had given me so much the night before and I had somehow hurt her so badly."

"I'm sorry, Heidi," I whined. "But I swear I didn't tell anyone. They heard you."

"I don't care who knows we did it, you idiot," she said. "I'm your girlfriend. We're supposed to do it."

"Then what are you upset about?" I asked.

"You...you got me pregnant," she cried and broke down all over again.

"My world started to come apart as soon as she said that. All of my dreams of becoming an engineer and designing better car engines were going up in smoke. I was stunned. I didn't say a word I just sat there holding the phone. This was of course the seventies, so there was still a tiny little bit of that insanely strict morality of the sixties left over. By the end of the decade, none of that would matter anymore but it was still big news then for a young unmarried woman to get pregnant and try to raise a child."

"What are we going to do?" I asked.

"We only have two choices dummy," she said. "Either we get married, or you come up with the money for an abortion. We'll go to the doctor and see how much it will cost. My mom will drive us over there."

"Okay," I said. "Which one are we going for?"

"I'd rather have the abortion," she said. "I'm going to be a model. I don't want my body screwed up and I'm not sure that I'm mommy material. I love you James, but I'm not sure I want to get married yet."

"When are we going?" I asked. I should have smelled set-up.

"We'll be picking you up in fifteen minutes," she said.

"When I first met Heidi's mother, I knew then that Heidi was a mutant. She is so different from both of her parents that it's a crime. I'm sure her dad would have asked for a DNA test if they had them back then. Her mom was chunky with large breasts and just the sweetest woman you've ever met. Of course, that first time that we met she didn't like me very much."

"We went to the doctor's office and we all sat together in the waiting room while Heidi's mom gave me icy glances. I brought her coffee and magazines and politely answered all of her questions regarding my future and my willingness to marry Heidi. Heidi, of course, kept saying that she wanted the abortion and I would pay for it. But her mother smiled and told me that if Heidi had to get married she'd rather have her marry me than any of those losers she'd been with before me. Besides, she thought that maybe I could calm Heidi down. So, by the time we went in to see the doctor after they did the test on Heidi, I was her son in law. We were even talking about how much help she could give us until I got my degree. She wanted me to become a successful engineer so I could take care of Heidi and her grandchild."