Guilty Pleasure Ch. 04byVinsmouse©
Disclaimer: I don't own the Dukes of Hazzard, not making any money, just cheap thrills
Warning: Angst, Slash
italics and/or * indicates thoughts ------indicates a change in the point of view
This chapter begins from the pov of the participant
Guilty Pleasure Chapter 4
I stood there, shocked by my cousin's actions, as I watched the General disappear from sight. Lightly running my fingers over my lips, I could still feel the pressure of his kiss. *He kissed me! Why? Does it mean he feels the same way I do? No, if he felt what I do he wouldn't have left like that. I don't understand this, why cousin?* The cry of a nearby crow startled me from my thoughts. Becoming aware of my surroundings, I was surprised to find that I was sitting on the porch steps again. I knew I should get up and do something, but I couldn't seem to find the energy to move. My cousin's actions kept replaying in my mind, it was all I could think of as I tried to figure out why he'd kissed me and what it meant.
Racing away from the cabin I felt like a criminal fleeing the scene of the crime. Looking into the mirror, I could see my cousin standing there, a look of shock on his face and I really felt like a criminal. *How could I do that? Why had I done that? What kind of man am I?* I drove around the county for several hours, thoughts of my cousin and the kiss were the only things on my mind. I couldn't believe I had reacted like that, hitting him I understood. I knew exactly why I had done that, but the kiss? I didn't even know I was going to do it until I was pulling him to his feet. Before I realized it, I was pulling him forward and was pressing my lips to his. I had never kissed a man before, had never even considered kissing a man and I couldn't believe how wonderful it felt. It had felt so...right to be kissing him, until he began to return the kiss. When I felt him leaning forward, returning the light pressure, I panicked and I ran. Just like those men in the club. No! The thought slammed into me with the force of a bullet, I had treated him the same way they did. I hit him, I took what I wanted and then I left him standing there to pick up the pieces. Coming down hard on the brakes, I brought the General to a screeching halt and climbed out. Stumbling to the side of the road, I fell to my knees and began to get sick, again.
I don't know how long I sat there, it was the sound of a vehicle pulling in behind the General that brought me out of my daze. Turning around, I saw Cooter's tow-truck, my friend had gotten out of the cab and was headed towards me.
"Hey buddyro, you okay?"
"Yeah Cooter, something I ate I guess," I told him, standing up and meeting him half-way.
"You sure you're okay? You don't look so hot, maybe I should give ya a ride home," he offered.
I wanted to tell him what was really wrong, but I couldn't do that. I couldn't betray my cousin like that, no matter how much I might need to talk to somebody about what I'd found out. There was only one person I could talk to, and it wasn't Cooter. "Nah, I'll be fine Cooter, just need a few minutes that's all."
"Alright, but if yo..." he broke off as his cb crackled to life.
"Breaker 19, this is Enos Strait calling Cooter Davenport, ya got your ears on buddy?"
"You got Cooter here Enos, what's up buddyro?"
"Cooter, Mr. Willis broke down out here on hwy. 7 near the Pineridge turn-off and needs a tow."
"Sure thing buddy, I'll be there in two shakes of a lamb's tail," Cooter answered, before turning back to me. "You sure you're alright?"
"Yeah, feeling better already. You better go take care of Mr. Willis though, ya know the longer ya take the crankier he'll be."
After Cooter pulled away, I couldn't help laughing at the thought of Enos having good timing. Too bad my cousin wasn't here, he would really get a kick out of it. Sobering instantly at that thought, I climbed back into the General and headed back to still site four.
When I arrived at the cabin, he was still outside, though now he was sitting on the steps. At least he didn't look like he was in shock anymore, but he still looked lost. I wanted to kick myself for putting that look on his face. Damn it, how can he say he loves me, when I treat him like that? Pulling myself out of the car, I took a deep breath and walked to him.
"I'm sorry cousin, I had no right to do that."
"Hit me or kiss me?" he asked, looking up at me, his blue eyes filled with confusion.
"Both, when I realized that you were letting those men hurt you because of me, I saw red..."
"It's okay, you had every right to be mad. I'm sorry that I upset you to the point of making you sick."
"Maybe I had a right to be mad, but I didn't have any right to hit you. Especially after what you went through last night," I told him, ashamed of the way I'd acted.
Looking up at me, he quickly looked away, but not before I saw the shame in his eyes. "I...why did you kiss me?"
It was my turn to look away, how was I going to explain something I didn't understand myself? "The truth is, I didn't know I was going to kiss you until I was pulling you forward. I'm sorry I ran off like I did. I'm worse than those men at the club, at least they're honest about who they are. I say I want to help you and then I treat you just like they did, I can't tell you how sorry I am cousin."
I couldn't believe he was comparing himself to them, and thinking he was worse. "Don't you ever say that again! You are nothing like those men, you could never hurt me or anybody, not like that. How could you think that what you did compared to what they did?"
"How could I not? I hit you, I took what I wanted and then I left you to pick up the pieces, isn't that what they did?" The shame and self-hatred I heard in his voice broke my heart.
For several minutes I sat there in silence, I had no idea what to say. How could I make him see the difference? Then it hit me, "When you hit me, did it turn you on?"
"No!" He yelled in shocked denial.
"After you kissed me, why did you leave?"
"Because...I panicked when you started kissing me back. It was like I hadn't realized what I was doing until that moment, and then I didn't know what to do. So I ran, afraid of what would happen if I stayed," he finished quietly as realization sank in. "Why are you asking me questions like that anyway?"
"You know why," I told him, wanting him to put it together for himself.
"They were turned on by hitting you, by hurting you weren't they?"
"Yeah, they were and before you get mad at them again, you might want to remember that I asked them to hurt me. Well except for what happened last night, I didn't...that one man wasn't supposed to be there."
"I still took what I wanted and left you to deal with it," he insisted, refusing to let go of the guilt.
"No you didn't, not the way they did. You acted on impulse, and it scared you, that's the only reason you ran. For that matter, except for that man last night they never took anything I wasn't willing to give. You didn't do anything I didn't want either cousin, my kissing you back should've told ya that." I couldn't help smiling when he chuckled lightly. The grin slid from my face, when his laugh turned into a choked off sob. "What is it cousin?" I asked, stepping over to him and placing a hand on his shoulder.
"I see your point about the kiss, but I don't understand the rest of it. I know you said that it was to atone for your guilt, but why did you think you needed to atone?"
"I don't want to make you mad, but it was mostly my feelings for you that caused the guilt. I didn't like knowing I'm gay, I know there's a lot of folks that think it's a sin and wouldn't take too kindly to it. I hated the idea that people I care about, people I love might turn on me because of it. You know it's kind of funny, before I finally accepted that I'm one of them I thought it was a sin too. People always talk about it like it's a choice, but it ain't. I can't imagine anybody choosing to be like this, choosing to live a life ya have to hide. All them good folks that think it's a sin and a choice, would know how wrong they are if they'd just stop and think. Nobody in their right mind would choose to be gay, to chance losing everything when living a normal life would avoid all that. I sure didn't feel like I could tell anybody I was gay, not even my family, and I felt kind of guilty about it. But it was realizing that I really was in love with you that drove me to that club. Maybe we could go inside cousin, this is gonna take a while," I suggested, leading the way inside at his nod of agreement.
"Can I ask you something before you tell me anything else?" He asked.
"Sure, ask me anything, I'll answer if I can."
"Those men last night, I heard that woman say they'd be banned from the club. Is that all that happens to them? It don't seem right that they're going to get away with what they did to you."
"They won't, I'm gonna tell ya something cousin that you can't never tell anybody." I gave him a serious look, not saying anything else until I was sure he understood that I meant what I said. "Those men, well at least the one who asked me into the room and the one who...raped me; will be dead within a week."
"What?" He sputtered out, choking on the drink of water he'd just begun to swallow. I wasn't sure which had shocked him more, my words or the calm matter-of-fact way I said them.
"They can't be arrested, that club and the ones like it, ain't exactly legal. The cops turn a blind eye to them, and it cost Madame Rochelle and the other club owners plenty to get them to. Something like this though, there's no way they could ignore it, so the club owners handle it themselves. Madame Rochelle will have let them go last night, but not before she knew their names and addresses. Sometime within the next week, those two at least and maybe all four will die in terrible accidents. I know it ain't right for her to take the law into her own hands like that, but if she didn't, they'd get away with what they did. Worse than that, they'd do it again and the next guy might not be so lucky."
"Lucky! You call being raped lucky?" The outraged anger in his voice plain to hear, he jumped up from the table and stalked to the door. For a minute, I was afraid he would leave again, but then he turned around and sat back down, waiting for me to go on.
"Yeah I do. Don't get me wrong, I hated every second of it, but if security hadn't been called...I would've been raped three more times. So yeah, I was lucky. Lucky that only one of them got to...lucky that he chose to attack me in the club instead of outside. Lucky I didn't end up like some of the other men he's been rumored to have gone after. Lucky that you were there to call security."
"I didn't call security, the man who let me into that room did. What other men? What are you talking about?"
"Atlanta might be a big city, but the gay community ain't all that big and there's rumors. Nobody could prove anything, but I'd heard rumors that he'd gone after a few men outside the clubs, or in some of the seedier clubs. Men who turned up days later, after they'd been raped and tortured. Most of them were dead when they were found, the couple who weren't, died on the way to the hospital. That's why I can live with what Madame Rochelle will do to them, cause I know it's what they deserve and it's what the law will never do. After all, who cares if a few faggots end up dead, if they'd just be like normal men it'd never happen." I knew I sounded bitter, but I'd known one of the men he'd been rumored to have killed.
"How do...? You said you didn't know his name, it's not the kind of place where names are exchanged, so how do you know it's him they were talking about?"
"The Mobster. That's what he's called, not cause he is, but cause he acts like one. If you hang out in the clubs, especially the S&M ones, you'll be given a nickname. Got to have some way to let people know who you're talking about, or who you're looking for. I know I sound bitter cousin, but see...I knew one of the men he killed. We were friends, one of the few in the clubs I could honestly say that about. Not everybody knew how I felt about The Mobster, but most of the people who worked in the club did. That's probably how come the guy knew to call security. If he worked there, then he knew there was no way I'd be in a room with that man, at least not willingly."
"I'm glad he did, I wish I'd realized it myself, maybe I could've saved you from that. I'm sorry cousin, if I wasn't so blind..."
"Stop it right now, this ain't your fault. That man who let you in the observation room, he told you about the scenarios, right? I know he did, that's how it works when somebody is new and curious. So how were you supposed to know that what you were seeing wasn't part of the scene we were playing out?" I hated to see him being so hard on himself, blaming himself for something that wasn't his fault. Maybe it was time for a little mood change, "Hey, bet ya can't guess what my nickname is?"
"Huh? I..." I could see the wheels turning in his mind, as he tried to figure out what I was doing. When a small smile crossed his face, I knew he'd realized what I was up to. I watched him thinking it over, the tip of his tongue pushed between his lips as he considered possibilities and discarded them. I was so busy watching him that I jumped a foot when he finally spoke. "Sorry cousin, I ain't got any idea."
"Huh?" it was my turn to be confused, then I remembered what I'd asked him. "Oh right, my nickname, it's farmboy."
"I should've been able to figure that out," he smiled, embarassed that he hadn't thought of it.
"I know you don't want to talk about it, but we probably should. I need to know, when you kissed me, why did it scare you bad enough to run?" I asked him, after sitting in silence for several minutes.
"I'm not sure if I can explain it. Like I said I didn't really know I was kissing you, until you started kissing me back. I guess it scared me, reminded me of what I was thinking last night."
"What were you thinking last night?" I asked him when he didn't continue.
"I was wondering if...you said you love me. Does that mean you want me to hurt you, like those men? I never really thought about it before, but when I kissed you.... I ain't never felt anything so right in my life, none of the girls I kissed ever made me feel like that with just a kiss. But cousin, I can't do what those men did, I can't hurt you or treat you like a piece of property...like a whore."
"I know you couldn't and I don't want you to, but I ain't sure I can be with you either anymore. I love you, I didn't lie about that, but.... Damn, this is hard to explain, when I first started going to that club it was only the guilt that drove me. The thing is, after a while it became a force of it's own, something that I couldn't control anymore. I don't think I can; I tried a few times in the last couple of months to be with men in a well, a normal way, and I couldn't. I couldn't respond to them, no matter how much I wanted to. It's like my mind has gotten sex and pain so tied up together that it can't seperate them. Even after what happened last night, I still need to go back. I know you don't understand, hell I don't understand. Every time I go there, every time I let a man hurt me and use me, I hate myself for letting it happen, for responding to it. But I can't stop, it's like an addiction, I go to the club and I go into the rooms with different men. When I leave, I hate myself and I swear I'll never go back, but then after a couple of weeks the guilt and the need become too much and I go back. I should just leave Hazzard, go somewhere that I can never hurt any of y'all, especially you," I told him, looking at the table and trying to hide the tears.
"The only way you can hurt me, is if you leave without giving us a chance to find out if there is an us."
"Don't you get it? I love you too much to drag you down, I won't let you get involved in what I've become. I need the pain and the humiliation, like a drug and I won't let my addiction destroy you!" I pushed myself away from the table and ran outside, not surprised when he followed me.
Stubborn fool! When he ran out the door, I was right behind him. There was no way I was going to let him take off. I might not have ever thought about it before, but I knew in that instant that I loved him. Not just as a cousin, but the way you love somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with. Now if I could just make him see that the chance for a life with each other was worth fighting for.
Coming up behind him, I grabbed his shoulder and spun him around. Pulling him closer, I pressed my lips against his, running my tongue across his lips, demanding entrance. The moment he began to part his lips, I pressed forward, dipping inside his mouth for my first taste of him. I don't know how long we kissed, but we didn't stop until the need for air forced us to. "I love you and I'm not going to let you go that easy. You said you love me, then prove it. Stay here with me, with your family, let me help you, let me love you, please." I begged him with everything I had, I didn't hold anything back, letting the love I felt be heard loud and clear.
"It ain't that easy cousin. I know you say you love me, and I know you believe it, but what if...? What if that kiss was just from the heat of the moment? What if tommorrow you realize that the love you feel is just as a cousin and nothing more?"
I hated to hear the fear in his voice, but I couldn't really blame him. Shoot I guess if I was in his shoes, and with my reputation, I'd have a hard time believing me too. The problem was I knew that I meant it, knew it deep down in my soul, but how could I convince him? "Cousin, I know I've never kissed a man before, never even thought about it. But I've kissed plenty of girls and I've been in love, believe me I know the difference between love and lust. When I kissed you, it was like I'd found a piece of myself I didn't even know was missing, until that moment. I know you're worried about me getting hurt, and you're scared of getting hurt yourself, but I promise ya cousin you ain't got anything to worry about. Don't look at me like that, I know you would never willingly hurt me and I could never hurt you, especially now, so...."
"Oh God! Don't do this to me please, I want so much to be with you but; what if I'm not strong enough to fight my needs? After everything that's happened, I don't know if I can love you the way you deserve to be loved. Don't you see? Just because I wouldn't hurt you on purpose doesn't mean I couldn't hurt you and I can't take that risk."
Grabbing his arm before he could step away from me, I forced him to the steps of the cabin and pushed him down. Kneeling in front of him, I reached out and tenderly ran my fingers down his cheek, "Please, don't throw this away. If you aren't strong enough to fight your needs, then I'll give you some of my strength, however much you need. You're not thinking cousin, if you give us a chance, you won't be fighting the battle alone. I'll be right there by your side, and together there's nothing the Duke boys can't do."
"You don't know what you're asking cousin. Like you said you've never even kissed a man before, and I don't know if I'm the one who should show you what it's like. Hell I don't even know if I remember what it's like to just be with somebody without all of the pain."
"You're the only one who can show me cousin, I can't imagine being with any other man. I've never felt like this for anybody else before and never a man. Please...Luke...teach me... and maybe I can help you to remember what love is supposed to be like." I could feel the tears falling down my cheeks, but I didn't care. In that moment the only thing that mattered was convincing my cousin to give our love a chance.