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He saw her shiver as she nodded she understood. Stepping to the edge of the bed he pulled the comforter from beneath her arm, tucking it over her shoulder his knuckles brushing her cheek gently. The slight sound that escaped her at his touch froze him instantly it was a cross between a mew of a kitten and a purr of contentment.
Sleep little one he thought glancing out the window seeing the faint lightening of the steel grey colored sky. The rain had stopped but the thick shroud of clouds still remained, the weather predicted it would for the next few days.
Stepping back from the bed he walked downstairs to his rooms locking the doors securely behind him to prevent anyone from disturbing him while he rested.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 11 years agothis seems like it could be a good story. there are too many punctuation and grammar errors. i hope the next chapter is better
ebonygriotover 15 years agoI appreciate the detail and pace you use in building what seems like a good story, with lots of twists and turns to come. In between the heat resonating between the two you've begun unpacking little bits of who they are. I've just come across the story so I'm going to hurry and read the other chapters you've posted.
Anonymousover 15 years agoGood start, with an interesting premise. I agree some sentences could use commas, also watch to/too.
Cynthia
Anonymousover 15 years agoI'm reading pt 2 now. The only thing I can say is -- you need more punctuation. More commas. I know I actually can be comma-happy, but your sentences tend to run on. I think the length is fine, they just need to be "broken up" a bit with commas, semicolons, etc. Occasionally one long sentence could break down into two, but I really think just with some commas, you'd be fine. The dialog sounds "rushed" when I read it, if that makes sense. but I like the characters and I'm very curious to see where this goes.
cantfightfateover 15 years agoI'm definitely hooked! I cannot wait for the next chapter! Please post soon!
