H. Bigguns - Victorian Scientist Vol. 02

The thorough written evaluation of my earlier interlude with Miss Lillian was cut short by a sharp rapping at the entry hallway door. As my subject was likely at this point lodged in my study, either contentedly, apprehensively, or blankly I could not truthfully fathom, for her general abandon of months of work and progress may have 'reset the clock' as it were, and her general imbecility as regards her moral and other responsibilities likely had rendered her, if nothing else, slightly bored.

I was in no hurry now to broach the inevitable application of lessons, as enough time had elapsed since her errant behavior and following tale as recounted in my almost completed journal entry that indeed, any association of the unclothing event and the correction thereof would have long passed.

Surely it was my ultimate responsibility in this matter to educate my charge in the ways of this most unkindly world, as to one of her sort, that is a limited and possibly stunted intelligence in the sphere of social interactions and modesty, I took most seriously. Without the guidance of a dedicated gentleman such as myself (well almost so, for I was not truly in this class I do confess, yet did aspire so to be) the poor Miss Lillian and her kind might truly be preyed upon to a greater extent than already so, and by God's good grace a league of, if I might say, extraordinary gentlemen had sprung up in answer to this most urgent and remarkable call. It was our motto that we did assist wherever possible to work in rectifying the errant behaviors exhibited in our young charges most fitfully and forcefully for the betterment of all.

The rapping again pulled me back from my reverie to the present moment. As indicated by my maidservants lack of presence in answering said rapping, it did give me some hope that she was still in some way ready for atonement for the escapade thus mentioned, and so without further delay, I rose from my spot at the breakfast table and, closing my book in order to preserve the notes therein from any wandrin' eyes, made my way to the entry door. A third set of sharp taps, rather louder this time, called to my attention most severely that the door itself must be at this time receiving marks of a nature that surely would leave a trace.

I opened the door brusquely to the sight of Dr. ________, the very same gentleman (for he truly was such) that I had parleyed with the previous evening and alas, had also been guilty of partaking of the absinthe most foul. His ruddy Scottish complexion did not seem the worse for wear, but I surely remember his partaking of the said libation to be ever more than that which I imbibed, working to keep up with his count yet clearly remembering (as much as that was possible) that he did surpass me at some point late in the evening. My brain was conspicuously now reaware of the suffering I had endured this morning, set aside albeit too briefly by the tale of Miss Lillian and her entry to the Order of Wayward Souls.

"G'day most cherishied Mr. Bigguns!" spoke the Scot, ever so loudly, his bushy eyebrows raised in a sprightly, unkempt and altogether friendly way.

"Sir..." I said humbly, with but a trace of reticence, my inflamed brain again beginning to rebel against the boisterousness of his demeanor.

"Aye, I ken see ya'r most unlively this morning by the redness of yer eye, my good friend, by the paleness of yer skin, surely the absinthe from last evenings soiree has taken a toll upon yer frail English body!"

Unsure if he was in jest or not, I replied, politely, "Sir, will you do me the honor of entering into my humble abode, for my maidservant is disposed of the moment and I find that I must answers the calling visitor this morning."

"Aye, most cherished, most cherished, certainly my friend, and thank'ee."

In we came and in taking his coat and staff, I could see the walking pole was capped by a great shining knob, a solid silver rapper atop in the likeness of a woman's torso, the great mammaries evident yet with little detail upon the nipples or areolae. With these metal penumbratory objects he had been clearly beating small chest sized divots into my solid entry door. I was at a loss as to how to remark to the occurrence, whether it should draw more attention to the possible damage he had done my property or perhaps more embarrassingly to call him out on what may be an unusual predilection for the rangoons of the fairer sex.

I was saved having to decide upon the option when he said most conspiratorially, "Sir, do you notice then my staff head's makeup most fair and proportionally splendid? It were a present from my new wife, upon who's personal figure I so dote, her proportions being darlin' similar to those that you hold in yon hand. In fact, she did thus have this 'objet d'art' fashioned from a proper sittin' with the most renown Mr. ______ who's artistry is far an' wide known, yet sits his studio not a mile from this very location!" I admired the object anew, for the volume of the swells were most formidable, and while I had noticed her fine form 'in persona' the previous evening, her loose clothing certainly gave no clue that she did in fact carry such a mass underneath her elegant outer garments. Surely, the next time we were to meet I would pay closer attention to the tremendous mysteries thus hidden.

"Indeed, sir?" I remarked, "a most fine form then she possesses, I am envious of your good fortune in the matter and you must surely give my greatest regards to her." We walked into the drawing room and sat at two great plush chairs.

He settled in, glancing at me abruptly, then lowered his grey Scottish eyes to the floor.

"Aye, that I could, for y'see it occurred last evening after ye had departed," he took a deep breath, "well mind ye that she's not a fair 'appy with me this morning nor was she last evening past." He was desirous to speak, and I in good conscience felt I must abide his whim, for it was with his friendship that I did hope to correct nature's fickle error of assignment of caste, and required his assistance in order to render me yet a gentleman.

"Sir?"

"May I tell you in the strictest confidence, Mr. Bigguns, of my plight? It would relieve me greatly to 'ear the musings of another man who'd perhaps lend an understandin' ear."

"Most certainly, Sir," said I, standing to get several small cups of whiskey to lubricate the coming repartee.

"Most gracious, man, thankee." He downed the shot and held his hand out for more. "A Scottish whiskey you might at all have, my boy?" Filling up his cup with the somewhat more costly brew, he settled back in the armchair and began.

"As you may know, my lovely wife the new Mrs. ______ has not long been attached to me in this marital condition, in fact it has only been a month now that I can say we have been in wedded bliss. And I do truly mean that, it being most humbling her devotion to mine own self, takin' on the household duties and running all home affairs like a true ship o' the line. Most efficient she is, and truly remarkable in every way.

"I did in many ways underestimate her abilities, for truly I am delighted, as it were not her ken in the running o' the household I held her in esteem for," and here he hesitated, getting to the weightiest and meatiest portion of the discussion it did seem to me, "but basely though it sounds it were her generous offerin's was what I most sought in our dear union."

"Sir?"

"Her rather substantial bosom, sir, d'ya catch my meanin'? Surely you can see from the sculpture presented so shortly ago that you can clearly divine her rather sizeable attributes?"

Indeed I could as already remarked. And yet for what reason would he be confiding in this to me?

He continued apace. "Perhaps it were the absinthe most foul last evening, but once back to the home upon disrobing I felt most compelled to push for what I had truly been longing for since the moment I had set eyes upon her, that being...that being..." he reddened slightly, and finished off his drink in one final tilt. "Mammary coitus, sir, that is what I did ask of her in no uncertain terms. To engage with me in this, as 'er husband and rightful lord in the home, that she shoulda make herself and her most esteemed and womanly bosom available ta me for this purpose."

He sat still as I reflected upon his most unusually honest admission. Here truly was a gentleman in need of some assistance, as to speak of such things at all constituted a plain deviation from any expected norms in polite society. It dawned upon me that not being a gentleman myself this lapse of etiquette could be somewhat more plausibly explained, for by confiding in me he had not strictly broken any established rules of etiquette.

I surmised the resultant outcome of that most intriguing request to his spouse. "And you are here this morning, as she has apparently refused this...request."

He seemed relieved I had made any comment at all. "Aye, an she has relegated me to tha gardeners cottage, not allowed to 'mix with the cultured elements of society' for the 'seeable future, that which I cannah at this time fathom the days, weeks, or months it mighten actually represent."

There was no response to this that I could bring to mind. He was, as the common man were wont to say, in the doghouse. Only in this case this doghouse was in fact the very spacious and well accommodated living quarters of the Asiatic gardener, that had been with the estate as I knew for years upon years. I wondered briefly wherein the gardener was now wont to stay.

This boisterous and gregarious Scot pondered for words, and when none would come he looked abjectly into his cup. I determined to pull him from his depressing reverie with fair science, our natural calling. Clearing my throat, I said in a businesslike way, "Sir, I'd greatly appreciate some assistance with a most troubling item that I am indebted to address this morning, as relates to my charge from the Order, Miss Lillian, and some rather nonconforming behavior exhibited that needs rectifying."

"Truly? Miss Lillian you say?"

"Indeed. Her transgression," and on this word his bushy eyebrows elevated visibly, "has made such a matter of resolution vital to the greater cause which you and I both have committed to solving with our scientific and humanitarian aims in the betterment of society."

"Of which transgressions would you be referrin' to, then?" he asked, his mind now completely off the subject so previously detrimental. "Could ya elaborate a wee bit more, after all with my own research and experience I am always wont to assist in any way possible, and surely Miss Lillian's plight is of the greatest concern."

For Mr. _______, as part of our league, had also a charge from the Order which as well he did regularly administer to in order to assist in the betterment of said persona, her name being Miss Ruth. While in similar straights as mine own Miss Lillian historically and intellectually and kept as maidservant as well at my friend's household, yet in fact she was somewhat plain and did not have the softness of form which so exemplified mine own ward in the matter.

I evaluated his offer most kindly, and told him so.

"Fine then, fine!" he piped up, standing, "lets then review the case 'afore us immediately with the subject so as not to dwell upon any previous distractions, but put our fullest effort into this endeavor."

And with that we walked immediately and with purpose to the study to review with Miss Lillian the errors of her ways and the resultant consequences of which she would shortly atone for.

Upon arrival at the study, we found Miss Lillian as I had commanded, standing quietly in a corner of the book lined and paneled room, shift open, her pendulous bosoms bared, hands crossed lightly in front of her. She glanced up at our entry, with no surprise or embarrassment at the additional presence of my good friend.

"G'day, gents!" she piped up, brightening.

"Mein Gott!" exclaimed the doctor, his eyes wide and staring, for her open shift and protruding bubbies did nothing to dispel her complete lapse of manners.

It would be best served to quickly take control of this interview. "Miss Lillian! You are not to speak until spoke to is that clear?"

She bowed her head. "Yessir."

"Fine then." I offered up a chair to Dr. _______ rather near the subject, as he did look suddenly somewhat like a boat unmoored, then I took a seat at my desk. "Miss Lillian, the kind doctor will be joining us this morning. You are not to let this affect our discussions. For the edification of the doctor, describe will you the situation that has landed you here this morning, standing partially naked in my study with your supple bubbies hanging out?"

"Why sir, I do believe it were...it were..." she struggled to associate any specific action with any obvious repercussion. "Oy sir, were it the story of the large and intimidating Priapus so forcefully engaged by my own mouth...?"

"No! It were not that." I did not want that particular story to be told in any company until I had the time to take a very long opportunity to review of the tale, looking at it from the many sides needed to be analyzed in order to truly gauge its impact to the subject.

"Truly?" piped in the Doctor, visibly reddening. "This sounds ta' me like a tale that may most admirably be told now ta' quite review the subjects, ah, er..." He was at a loss to finish his sentence, his eyes directly engaged in a keen observation of the slow rising and falling of my subject's chest afore him.

"Yes perhaps, but to get to the point of the matter, Miss Lillian, you did bare before me this morning at breakfast your generous endowments and offered some 'nuzzling' which, if I am not mistaken, is the application of your well formed lilyhammers to the facial areas. Is that not correct?"

"Oh, why yes sir, that were the troubling item in question, most truly!" she exclaimed without guile, now fully excited by the revealing of the infraction, as though it were a great mystery suddenly solved.

My morning ramblings with the doctor had clearly allowed enough time to pass that all associations of Miss Lillian's responsibility to the earlier action of which we were here to address would be for naught, and a cycle of punishment for its own sake was not the corrective course I would seek at this time with my ward. I was ever so frustrated by the outcome of this brief interview, that when I made it known to the doctor he was somewhat distraught at my plight.

"Surely Mr. Bigguns, all is not lost. Why, whan I am in a similar predicament," and here he gestured to Miss Lillians statuesque form, "I always start stirrin' on different options that may yet well allow some measure 'o progress to be had."

"Such as, my dear sir?"

"Well," he continued, his brow raised in thought, "lessee, I suspect that, why yes, yes indeed, the subject's earlier transgression as you opined, the actual act of baring her most, er, gifted endowment," and here his wide open eyes fixed again clearly on the pillows before him, "is nary the subject of which to address, but the latter deliverable, if enacted just so perhaps would render a more associative feelin' to the whole import."

"Sir, I can hardly fathom the line of thinking you are proposing here, can you please elaborate so that I may truly understand?"

"Why Sir! It be oh so simple, Miss Lillian does need ta' merely enact the offer! The nuzzin', man, she needs to engage thus."

I was skeptical. "I see..."

"Truly, sir, truly. It be a most simple thing to bring forth the association thus. I would shew you...?"

It could hurt not, and he did seem somewhat eager to assist. "Proceed apace sir. Nancy, please avail our guest in this matter, and do all as he says."

And with that, the helpful doctor did motion to Miss Lillian to come to his chair where he sat. She made her way over until she stepped between his now opened legs, and taking her hands from before her, he dispassionately pulled them to her sides. "Come here now closer, I ainna gonna bite, lass," he said, her large jutting orbs inches from his head. "Now miss, if ya'd ever so kindly shew me this nuzzling of which ya spoke, it may assist in remembrin' some of the specific reasoning behind the act of this mornin'. D'ya ken that, missy?"

Miss Lillian then did look at me again for guidance, for she had come to rely upon my judgement very much since she had been my charge and the doctor, while most forthright in his exclamations, with his thick brogue and slightly nervous demeanor had caused her to be unsure of his actual direction. While I was not keen on the whole affair, I did nod in approval for her to begin this most specious experiment.

"Why certainly sir," Lillian spoke, "you do seems as though per'aps you could use some nuzzlin' as well."

With that, she then did put one hand on each side of her generous nancies and wrapped them quite firmly around the face of the sitting doctor. Much of his head disappeared from view, only the back of his ears showing from the soft wrapping of flesh about him. Muffled words escaped occasionally thru the ballooning dirigibles, but in general he sat stock still, his head buried in the cleavage of my maidservant as she slowly massaged the doctors head with her vast loblollies.

His research approach turned out to be quite thorough, as the nuzzling continued on for some minutes and was still in progress when a rapping on the entry door, calm at first then growing more insistent, began in earnest after just a few more moments. I briefly addressed the doctor to verify that he could continue the experiment without my immediate assistance, at which, without interrupting his research, waved his hand slightly in my direction thus freeing me to pursue the matter at hand.

I then glanced at Miss Lillian, who's face had turned somewhat flushed, and could see that her eyes were closed, likely completely unaware of the scientific analysis she was currently undergoing, the poor invalid. Her hands were still pressed firmly into her splaying white orbs, wrapping them tightly about the doctor's head, with every now and again slowly moving them up and down over his face and scalp. As I were exiting the room and pulling closed the doors, I could hear the doctor offering to my ward to assist with the weight of the matter by the sharing of handling the load of her generous mammaries, by holding them for a bit of time to give her some relief. Always a kind person, this, to be so considerate of a subject.

* * * *

The rapping at the door for the second time today was silenced when I opened the great thing to behold upon my doorstep no one other than Mrs. ______, the newly wedded wife of my esteemed colleague, who was currently down the hall working through the outstanding issues of my housekeeper Miss Lillian's latest transgression. She, contrary to both her husband and myself, did not look the worse for wear based on the previous night's absinthe debauch, in fact I did not on further reflection recollect seeing her drink at all.

"Good morrow, Mrs. _______!" said I, most amicably, "indeed what a fine pleasure to behold you on such a day as this."

She smiled prettily, saying "Oh goodness me Mr. Bigguns, please do not be so formal as all that, you may most certainly call me Emma, for that is what I am almost always known by and it would be my greatest pleasure if you could so call me that as well. Is that acceptable to you?" Her eyes were alight with questioning grace, and I could not but succumb to her charms.

"Yes, yes of course. Emma! There, I have said it and truly it rolls from the lips like a cool refreshing zephyr!"

We both laughed, and then she looked at me and past me. "Wherever is your housekeep, young Miss Lillian? Should she not be answering the door?"

Until I knew the import of the surprise appearance of Mrs. Emma, I decided to keep the knowledge of her husband's presence silent, for I knew of the discord currently ravaging their otherwise happy home, and did not want to exacerbate any further a marital issue already in contention.