tagNon-EroticHalloween Humor

Halloween Humor

byDG Hear©

I often read jokes that make me laugh. Then I think about what a good and humorous story they could make. So I decided to write about a few of them. I hope you get a chuckle out of it, or at least a smile. A big thank you goes to Mistress Lynn for taking of her time to edit this story.


Roy and Martha Simmons had been married for over forty years. Even though they were still in love, Martha always considered Roy a cantankerous old fool. Of course, Roy always felt Martha was an airhead, even though her blonde hair had turned gray several years before.

People who knew the couple considered them a perfect match. Roy was set in his ways, and Martha was the only person who could ever get him to change. He would often joke to and about Martha. Either they went over her head, or she just accepted Roy and all his faults.

No matter how you looked at this couple, you had to love them. It was so easy to see they belonged together.

One day Martha made him his favorite dinner, and after he was well fed, she turned to him with a smile.

"Roy, we don't get out much anymore. The senior center is holding a Halloween party, and I think we should go," she said.

"Don't you think we're a little old to be going to a Halloween party? Aren't they for kids?"

"Come on Roy, all our friends are going. It will be fun. It's a covered dish dinner, so you'll get a lot to eat. They're even having a keg of beer for those who want it. Please Roy, let's go."

"Okay, I guess I can take you to the dumb old party. Besides, some of them women sure can cook. Of course none of them cook as well as you do," replied Roy.

"Thank you. I know we'll have a lot of fun. What kind of costume would you like to wear.

"Costume? You never said anything about wearing a costume," he grumbled.

"Honey, it's not that bad. We can wear whatever you want. I think we'll feel out of place if everyone else has a costume on and we don't. So, any suggestions?" Martha looked at her husband and tried to decide what he was going to say.

"Stupid costumes! We're in our sixties and you want to dress up like kids."

"It's not that bad and you know it Roy. So what do you think?" she asked.

"Well, you can be naked and wear those black boots you bought last year. I'll go naked and put a pot on my head," he replied.

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"You can be Puss-N-Boots and I'll be Peter Pan," he said while he laughed.

"That's not very funny, Roy. I'm going to go see what we have to wear."

Roy watched his programs on TV while Martha went looking for costumes for them. After about an hour, she walked into the room naked.

"Roy, I thought I'd wear my birthday suit," she said Martha, figuring she would play a joke on him.

He looked over at her and said, "It's okay with me, but you better iron it first."

Pretending she hadn't heard him, she gave him a pensive look. "When you first saw my naked body in front of you forty years ago, what was going through your mind?"

"All I wanted to do was suck your tits dry and then fuck your brains out."

"So, sweetheart, what are you thinking now?"

Tipping her head to the side, hands on her hips, she winked.

"It looks as if I did a pretty damn good job."

Martha ignored him, instead going back into the bedroom to find a costume for the Halloween party. Roy just shook his head and wondered why he agreed to go in the first place. The truth was he would do anything for Martha and she would do anything for him.

A short time later, she walked out of the bedroom.

"I figured out my costume," she said and grinned.

"What is it?"

"It's a surprise. You'll have to wait until the party to find out. But you only have two days to figure out what you're going to wear, Roy."

"All right, I find something," he replied, sighing before turning back to his TV show.

On Saturday, Martha spent most of the day getting her costume ready. She also made a dish to take with them.

"Roy, do you have your costume ready?" asked an excited Martha.

"Yeah, I only need a few minutes to put it on."

A few hours later, they both put on their costumes. Roy wore a red flannel shirt and a pair of bib overalls. He had a straw hat on his head.

"What kind of costume is that?" she asked.

"I'm a farmer, can't ya tell?"

She knew better than to argue with him. She was happy that he put something on and was taking her to the party.

"What do you think of my costume?" asked Martha.

Roy stared at her. When he saw his wife's costume, he just shook his head.

She had what he considered Goth clothing on. She was dressed totally in black. Several chains hung around her neck, and she wore black lipstick and nail polish. Her beautiful silver hair had streaks of red, green, yellow, black and blue in it. He couldn't believe what he was looking at.

At the same time, she was smiling. He didn't want to hurt her feelings, so he tried to find the right thing to say.

"Martha, you look like a million bucks."

Smiling at her husband, she said, "You've never seen a million bucks."

Roy couldn't help it. He had to say it. "That's right Martha; you look like something I've never seen."

They both laughed, and then left for the party.

The next day Roy went for a walk in the park. He was glad he agreed to take Martha to the party. They both had a great time. Laughing when Martha won a prize for most unique costume, he still couldn't get over the way she looked.

Sitting on a park bench to rest, he saw a young man dressed all in black. A long chain dangled from his belt with what looked like a purse hanging from it.

When Roy looked at the lad's face, he couldn't believe what he saw. The guy had earrings in both ears, one in his nose and yet another in his eyebrow. What looked even weirder to Roy was that his hair, was every color of the rainbow just like his wife had done to hers for the party, only his was sticking straight up.

"What are you looking at, old man?" asked the lad.

"Are you going to a Halloween party?"

"No, this is the real me. This is how I feel on the inside. I want to project it to the whole world."

Roy couldn't help but stare. He couldn't believe anyone would do that to themselves.

"Why do you keep staring at me, old man?" asked the lad.

"To be quite honest with you, I was pretty wild in my younger days. One day I got drunk and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you might be my grandson," replied Roy.

The lad called Roy something under his breath and walked away seeming irritated. Roy got up, shook his head and continued on his walk. Life sure had changed since he was a kid, he thought.


Their daughter Teresa was talking to her mom a few days later.

"Mom, I can't go to Dr. Mankowski ever again."

"Why not, Teresa? You've been going to him ever since you were a baby. He's always been our family doctor. What happened? Did he do something wrong?"

"No, I just embarrassed myself, and now I don't know if I can face him again."

"Shelly wanted to go to a Halloween party at her friend's house. I know the girl's family, and so I told her she could go. Shelly started gathering things up for a costume when she remembered you went in a Goth outfit," Teresa said.

Martha chuckled, thinking of the fun they had that night.

"Well, Shelly figured she would do the same thing. You know she's about your size."

"That's why she wanted to borrow my outfit," Martha said.

"I helped her streak her hair with washable dye. Shelly wanted to use the shiny sprinkles on her face and in her hair. You know that glitter stuff. I told her to make sure she didn't make a mess and get the sprinkles all over the sink and floor." Teresa said, shaking her head just thinking of what happened.

"Shelly poured some sprinkles onto a washcloth. Then she took some between her fingers to put it on her face and in her hair. I brought her to the party, and later picked her up. Shelly was all excited because she had a great time. Since she was tired, she went to bed."

"What does any of that have to do with Dr. Mankowski?" Martha asked.

"Mom, I had a gynecologist appointment the next day with him. I was nervous and running late. You know I hate those exams."

Martha smiled at her daughter. "I know, honey."

"I didn't have time for a shower, so I washed up real good before getting dressed. Teresa was supposed to clean up the bathroom, so I left her a note for a reminder. Then I left," Teresa said, a disgusting look on her face.

"When I got to his office, the nurse brought me to a room and told me to undress. There was a gown for me to put on, of course. Before she left the room, she told me the doctor would be in shortly. He came in a few minutes later, talking in a calm voice. I guess he has seen enough women who get embarrassed, and was trying to relax me."

"He's a good doctor, Teresa. Not all of them care about their patients," Martha said.

"Yeah, but you know how I am."

Martha smiled and shook her head. "I sure do. But go on, honey."

"He asked me to put my feet in the stirrups, and scoot down to the end of the exam table. I did, just wanting it over quickly. The first thing he said was that I looked very nice. Then he added something about being pretty. I didn't know what to think. So I thanked him and said I always tried to look my best."

By then Martha was even more confused. She couldn't quite connect her granddaughter's costume to her daughter's appointment.

"Dr. Mankowski smiled, saying I looked very festive. By then he was doing his exam, so I didn't answer," Teresa said. "After the exam, the doctor left the room so I could get dressed. As soon as I finished, I walked out to the waiting room. On my way, Dr. Mankowski smiled and waved goodbye. I thought he was almost overly friendly, but figured he was trying to make me feel at ease."

"I'm sure that's what he was doing," Martha said.

"You would think so, right? Well, my cell phone rang right after I got into my car. It was Shelly. She wanted to know where the washcloth with the rest of her shiny sprinkles on it was. According to her, she left it on the bathroom sink.

"That's when it dawned on me what Dr. Mankowski was talking about. In my rush, I had used the washcloth to wash up down there. I hurried home and took off my slacks and panties, only to find the shimmering colors in my pubic hair," Teresa said, blushing at the memory.

Martha burst out laughing when her daughter shivered in disgust.

Later, when Martha told Roy about their daughter's glistening pubic area, he laughed too.

"All I can say is like mother, like daughter," he replied, looking at his wife. He didn't care if both were airheads, he still loved them.

Have a Happy Halloween.


Thank you for reading my story.

Comments are welcome and appreciated

DG Hear

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by Anonymous

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by fanfare10/03/17

sparklimgling pudendal wit

DGH. you made me laugh outloud! Startled the hell out of ,y keepers who believed me to be comatose.
"Now cut that out!" Don'tcha know that humor is suppose to be a very serious subject?

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by thedemonIx05/30/17

That was good...


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