tagHumor & Satirehe Penis and The Not-So-Secret Weapon

he Penis and The Not-So-Secret Weapon


A Word About The Penis and The Not-So-Secret Weapon

I just wanted to open a discussion to, in some tiny way, bridge the gap between man and woman. I will relay an incident that happened to me and offer advice on how the issues that arose could have been avoided and expand on what actions were an utter success. I sincerely hope this advice helps advance our ceaseless effort to join man and woman.

I met Kayla in the usual way. I went to a bar, we started talking and we went to her place. We petted and kissed and ended up in her bedroom. I am an average sized man; average height, average build and average sized penis. Anyway, when I drop my drawers, she says, "Oh how cute!" Now some of you guys are laughing (bastards!) and some are commiserating (nod).

Ladies, most of you know better, but cute is not a good adjective for a penis. I think we can all agree pointing and out-and-out laughing is the worst thing to do. Still, 'cute' is not much better. You have to understand a penis is not pretty. It's actually quite ugly. It's strong and veined like a steroid injected body builder's forearm. It's erect and proud - a tower that throbs with virile man power. It represents energy and vigor and should be held in awe. Cute just doesn't fit the bill.

If you care about your man, here are some guidelines upon first seeing his penis. If his penis appeals to your aesthetic sense, you could say "mmmmm," like you are hungry and his penis looks delicious. To add a little spice to this option, all you need do is lick your lips.

If you want his chest to puff up, you could gasp, put your hands to your cheeks and say "oh, my." The perfect companion to this option is a blush.

If you want him to strut like a rooster for weeks, you could shriek in terror. To send this option completely over the top, you moan something like, "OH GOD NO! That monster will tear me apart!"

I know some of you care for men with tiny penises and it may seem like the last option is ridiculous and insincere. I understand your conundrum. To shriek in terror over a pinky sized penis does seem a bit overboard, but you should consider the benefits. It's likely he knows he's not frightening you, but he will love you for caring enough to pretend.

To continue the discussion we return to the incident, at Kayla's saying my penis is cute, my mighty tower of manhood drooped. Kayla watched this development, and added insult to injury by responding with "Awwwww." You know that sound women make. A toddler falls on his diapered bottom and the women say, "Awwwww." The mother to be tears the gift wrapping off a fluffy teddy bear at a baby shower and the women say, "Awwwww." A new mother unwraps the blankets to reveal the horror, her wrinkled, splotched, perennially surprised, spastically jerking, misshapen headed newborn and the women say, "Awwwww." Let me be clear here -- this sound does not belong in the bedroom. Don't even think about it.

If we weren't so horny, 'Cutie' and I would've packed up and gone home in an attempt to salvage our dignity. As it turned out, Kayla, while boneheaded, was not completely in the dark. She pulled out the not-so-secret weapon. She looked at my thoroughly insulted manhood and said, "I think he needs a kiss." Angry as I was, I had to admit the not-so-secret weapon would go a long way toward restoring relations. So I said petulantly, "You are correct."

And so we have arrived at the second part of the discussion -- the not-so-secret weapon - a blowjob. Ladies, if you've done something insensitive to your man, don't despair. The not-so-secret weapon is your get-out-of-jail-free card. It works on most infractions, large and small. I should note here that if the infraction is large, you may have to apply the technique numerous times for complete success.

As demonstrated in the incident, Kayla salvaged the evening simply by using the not-so-secret weapon. Is there lingering enmity? Was she completely redeemed? In answer, all I can say is I see her as often as I can.

Now I know there are fiercely fair-minded, conscientious women out there who feel uneasy about the shameless exploitation of their man's weakness. Lay down your burdens. Rest easy and sleep with a clear conscience. Women in general don't fully appreciate how deeply men care about tranquility in the home. That being said, your man does not mind you shamelessly exploiting him in this fashion. He will suffer the indignation to champion the cause of peace between the sexes. He is a pillar; lean on him.

I feel I would be remiss if I didn't include a warning about the use of the not-so-secret weapon as a get-out-of-jail-free card. Over time you may notice hypersensitivity in your man. This may indicate the need to cease its use. Let me demonstrate with an illuminating story:

Gary comes home and greets his wife Claire. Claire notices the chili stain on his shirt from last night's dinner. Gary smiles at her expectantly, but she has no idea what he expects. Finally, his smile fades and he says, "I told you I was going to the barber."

Confused, she responds "Yeah?" He turns, pretending to hide the pain from her, and in a voice carefully controlled to sound like it's about to break, he says, "You didn't tell me how my hair looks; I just don't know why I try." Sniff.

Claire correctly identifies the symptoms and immediately stops using the not-so-secret weapon as a get-out-of-jail-free card. Claire being a caring, loving woman does not cut him off completely. Instead, she applies the not-so-secret weapon on a schedule. In this way, Gary doesn't associate the not-so-secret weapon with Claire's failures and in a matter of days Gary's hypersensitivity vanishes.

In conclusion, I hope this discussion has illuminated some of the finer points on the penis and the not-so-secret weapon and to reiterate my sincere hope this advice guides you in your future encounters with the opposite sex.

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