He Was A Friend of Minebymadhatter-o-bowater©
"Doctor Hatcher to radiology"
"Doctor Snow to the emergency room"
And so it went. It seemed as if we had been waiting forever and there are only so many times you can reread articles in tattered issues of Time that were two years old. I was here with my friend Cameron and he wasn't making much conversation. He was blankly flicking through an old Readers Digest, reading perhaps but mostly just staring at the pages. I can't say I blame him for not making conversation though. We were, or rather he was here, to finally figure out what was making him so sick all the time. I was just here for moral support. He hadn't been well for a while but he just thought it was a lingering flu. Then his glands swelled up, and the nosebleeds started. It had culminated 3 days ago in a late night trip to the emergency room when a nosebleed just wouldn't stop. The doctor had ordered some tests and they were back from the lab. Cameron wasn't expecting it to be good news. Given the state of our health care system, getting called back to the doctor after 3 days indicated a problem. A big problem.
When I looked up the doctor was towering over us. He was tall and slim with beautiful dark eyes, almost the exact shade as mine. He was a good looking young doctor. Every girls dream I guess. On any other day I would have made note that but I had more on my mind today.
"You must be Cameron. I'm Doctor Silverman and I'd like you to come with me."
"Is it all right if my friend there comes with us? My parents couldn't make it and I want to have some with me."
From the look in Dr. Silverman's eyes, was a wise decision. They weren't quite so beautiful at that moment. Cameron noticed it and he tensed up in anticipation.
"Sure. My office is this way."
He lead us down a short corridor into his office. I was surprised. He had exquisite taste. Besides the examination table at the back of the room you wouldn't know that you were in a hospital. The desk was an antique in perfect condition. Neat too. His degrees were behind the desk. Prints or maybe even originals covered the walls. The plants were well watered. Then I noticed the other doctor sitting in a chair next to the desk. An older man but still quite handsome.
"Please sit down."
After making ourselves comfortable, Dr. Silverman open the folder in front of him and began to speak.
"Cameron, we got your test results back and I'm afraid that it isn't good news."
Motioning to the doctor sitting next to him, "This is the oncologist, Dr. Livingston, and he's more qualified to explain your condition to you than I am."
"Hi Cameron. As you know, we did some tests on Monday including a biopsy after your nosebleed. And as Dr. Silverman said, the results of your tests, including the biopsy have come back." He paused for a second and continued "The tests confirm that you have leukemia. I'm sorry."
I was expecting bad news but not Leukemia. Wasn't that a form of cancer? My best friend had cancer? Stunned does not even begin to cover what I was feeling. Cancer. I glanced over at Cameron and he was as pale as I have ever seen a person. The color had drained out of his face completely so that it was stone grey. He sighed and closed his eyes. I would say that he was stunned, shocked and floored at the same time but I don't think that would even begin to cover it. I reached over to him and took his hand in mine. I was all that I could do. That's what I was here for. Moral support. Dr. Silverman saw me do it and may have nodded slightly.
"Furthermore, you have a very aggressive from know as Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. I won't lie to you. Your condition is fairly well advanced. Don't worry though. We have some of the best cancer specialist in the country at this hospital and we've put together some treatment options for you. You'll have time to consider them.
Dr. Livingston may have said more but I didn't hear it. One of my closest friends had leukemia. Cancer. Cancer kills. My friend wasn't going to die. He couldn't have cancer because… I was brought out of my daze when Cameron spoke.
"Wha…What is the survival rate for this type leukemia?"
"Not as high as we'd like I'm afraid. 19% of adults are cancer free after 2 years. Like I said we have good specialists and a range of treatment options. You will get the best care possible."
Now Dr. Silverman spoke.
"We've prepared this information for you that will give you more details on the disease, treatment options, everything you need to now. Take it home read it, let your friend read it, discuss it, and we'll make an appointment for you to discuss it with Dr. Silverman on Monday at the same time, okay?"
Cameron nodded, shook their hands, took the envelope and we left. He was shaking for the entire walk home. We didn't say anything until we got there. Actually we still didn't say anything. Cameron burst into tears and I say a grown man cry. These were tears of despair. And I started to cry with him. I hugged him and held him and we cried for an hour in each others arms.
Afterwards we got down to business. We spent 3 hours combing through the papers, reading comparing, talking, asking questions. I was a little bit like we were a couple or something like that. I was a major part of his decision and my opinion meant something and his life was at stake. I guess that's why you have close friends.
About 2 years before, during the summer, we had almost become something more. We had gotten to know each really well in our first year of university through some mutual friends. When we got home for the summer we sent back emails and the like until the middle of June when we discovered instant messaging. We could have a conversation now. In the first conversation that we had, he told me that he loved me. He had fallen in love with me and thought that I felt the same way towards him. Even though I knew it would break his heart I told him the truth that I didn't feel the same way and only looked at him as a friend. As the summer wore on and became the next term of university he still loved me. It didn't go away. It got worse. It would come up every now and then. I would be patient and try to tell him that I didn't feel that way. I was the first person he had had ever felt like this towards so I guess it was hard to let it go. It really hurt me to have to break his heart every time it came up but I didn't have any choice. I just didn't feel the same way towards him. I wanted to be his friend and nothing else. Eventually he did cross the line and asked me about what was happening between me and one of my other guy friends. If I hadn't been across the room I would have slapped him. Things were rocky before but this brought us to the brink. The friendship could have gone either way but it survived. Cameron apologized to be and it was the one thing that he needed to shake his feelings towards. It took us a year after that get our friendship back to where it used to be but we did. We sat down one night and talked and realized that we were still friends and could still be friends. It was like old times. And now I was helping him to decide how to fight Leukemia.
But there was something else. When I first realized how sick he was, it stirred something deep inside of me. Something that was foreign and new. He may have been my friend but I think they were feelings for him. He meant so much to me that even the thought of him dying was too much. He meant so much to me. I was falling in love with him. Those feelings that he had never managed to make me find were there now. Stirring in the pit of my stomach, a warm glow that I had never felt before. I knew what it was though. I wonder if he could feel the same way about me after all that I had put him through?
We finally settled on a particularly aggressive course of chemo with radiation and a possible bone marrow transplant. It would be hard but he figured he could handle it. I was there to help him and he was young and strong. Besides, he was going places in life and couldn't do that with cancer coursing through his veins. He was going to be famous or so he said.
We started chemo the next week and the results weren't pretty. The dose was really strong and it hurt in a bad way. We've all heard about the effects of chemo but I got to see them first hand. I held Cameron's head when he could make it to the bathroom and the trash can when he couldn't. I fed him, helped him to the hospital, did whatever he needed me to do. I don't think he figured out what I felt. He too sick to notice that but we laughed and helped each other. I felt like it was meant to be and had always been. We were together.
About 6 weeks after he began to have the chemo, towards the end of it before the radiation began, I was holding him in my arms after a particularly bad night. They say the chemo has to kill the cancer before the chemo kills the person but Cameron was losing out in the battle. It would soon be over though.
He woke up around dawn.
"Hi babe. Not to be a downer but I feel like crap." He managed a wan smile.
His next statement surprised me though.
"You have the most amazing eyes that I have ever seen. They're so dark you have to look close to see the pupils. I think that it so sexy. That's one of the things that helped me fall for you. You're beautiful."
No guy had ever told me that before. Before I knew what I was doing I spoke.
"I love more than your eyes. I love you."
I couldn't believe my ears. I had actually said it. Maybe he didn't hear.
"And I love you babe. Not that I ever stopped loving you. You're the love of my life and I don't want anyone else."
I bent over and kissed him full on the lips. His beard was scratchy and ticklish at the same time. I had never kissed anyone before so I wasn't sure what to do. It didn't matter. As our lips touched my tongue darted into the confines of his mouth, finding sweetness and warmth that I never knew existed. He wasn't really strong enough to kiss me back but that didn't matter. Our lips were locked in passion and I was with the man that I loved. It was incredible. I should have learned how to do this a long time ago. I hated to break the embrace but as soon as our lips were apart he smiled.
"I think I'll sleep now" was all that he said. He wasn't the only one to sleep. I drifted off as well, holding him in my arms.
Then the headaches started and all hell broke loose.
Same hospital, same office, same doctors, same bad news.
"The results of the MRI are in. The cancer has spread to your brain."
Cameron just sat there with his mouth open but nothing came out. I can only imagine what he was feeling. I was numb. Numb describes it completely because I felt nothing. I was stunned.
"The tumor is very aggressive and is of the type that does not respond well to chemotherapy or radiation. It's located near the brain stem so surgery is not possible. I'm afraid that there is nothing that we can do."
Doctor Livingston tried to be gentle when he said it, but it came out kind of shrill. I guess that was to be expected. He had just passed a virtual death sentence over someone. I was impressed that he could even say it and keep a straight face. I don't think that I would be able to tell someone that they were going to die. Well, he didn't actually say that but it was pretty clear on his face. This was terminal.
Cameron broke the silence.
"How long Dr. Livingstone?"
"Not long I'm afraid. This type of tumor is very aggressive. 2 months at the most."
I heard Cameron take in a big breath and release it. Then the tears started to flow. It didn't matter that there 3 other people around him, he started to cry. Loudly. Then something strange happened. I looked at the Drs. Silverman and Livingstone and they were crying as well. Being a doctor they don't want to have to tell someone they are going to die. They were supposed to save lives, not take them away. Without even knowing it I had tears streaming down my face. My best friend, the man I loved was going to die. Like what the fuck? My best friend wasn't going to die. This was a joke. An early April fools joke. Maybe I was just dreaming. Cameron jumping and running from the office crying told me this wasn't a dream. I rose to go after him but Dr. Silverman put his hand on my shoulder to stop me.
"Let him go. He has to deal with this and the sooner he comes to grips, the easier it will be for all of us."
I had to agree, if only because I didn't know what else to do. I had never been involved in anything like this in my life. The only person close to me who had ever died was my grandmother and that had happened when I was 3. It must have been many times worse for Cameron. He was going to lose more than any of us.
I talked with the doctors for a while about what would happen in the later stages. They thought it would be relatively painless. They counseled me what I would have to do in the event of any number of things. We talked about a lot of things but it all came back to when. If wasn't if, it was when.
I kind of wandered the streets for a while before I went back to the apartment that we shared. I wondered if maybe Cameron had done the same thing. I thought that he was probably still out when I got home because the apartment was still dark. It broke my heart when I heard him sobbing as I walked in. As I turned on the lights in the bedroom I saw his feet sticking out of the closet. An odd place for someone to be crying I thought.
"Would you turn off the light please? I want to be alone in the dark."
"Cameron, come out please. We have to talk about this. You have to deal with it. You can't spend the next 2 months sitting in a closet crying."
I said it a little more harshly than probably I should have and he sensed that. By the tone he used with me it made him angry.
"I've known since I was diagnosed that it would probably cut my life short. I've dealt with that. My will is finished and the funeral arrangements are made. The day just has to come."
I had no idea about any of this. I had suggested to him once that he should but he brushed me off saying that would be a sign that he was going to lose and he wasn't going to lose to fucking cancer. Never. I guess it was all a well made façade that crumbled when he was approached by the reality of it all.
"You wouldn't understand."
"Okay. I am the only guy heir left in my family. When I die my family line will die with me. That bothers me more than dying ever will. My family will be left with the knowledge that when they die the line is gone forever. That is what is bothering me more."
I was speechless. I had known that he was his parents only son but I hadn't known about and cousins. He had guy cousins but I guess they are on his aunt's side. It really surprised me. I left him in the closet in the dark because I knew that there was nothing that I could say to him.
For the next couple weeks we tried to carry on as normal, although normal is a relative thing when you know that you are going to die of cancer. We were watching TV one night and there was a program about the Make-A-Wish foundation that helps kids fulfill their dying wish. As a joke I asked what he wanted.
"I don't want to die a virgin and I want to be with you before I die."
One thing about our relationship was that it was mainly emotional. We would kiss but we had never made out and he had never touched me. He had hadn't even touched my breasts through my shirt. Not that I would let him because that had to wait for marriage. That's all there was too it. But I looked at his face and realized that we would never get the chance to be husband and wife. Perhaps this is how it had to be.
"We'll talk about it in the morning."
That night after getting out of the shower I looked at myself naked in the mirror, examing my body. I wanted to see what a man would fine attractive in me. I know that Cameron loved my eyes. There was something sexy about them. My shoulder length hair was black and so thick. I knew he liked to run his fingers through it. I wished he would do it more often. My breasts were small but nice (I'm a B cup). They soft and firm at the same time and they didn't sag. I love the way they change shape when I lift my arms. I wondered if he would find that sexy. The tips were coral and they had become engorged in the cool air of the bathroom. About the size of a rounded pencil eraser with quarter sized avelole. I had seen pictures of naked women and I always thought my nipples were better. My belly was soft and inviting but not big. I thought it was sexy actually. At the base of my belly was the dense thatch of curls that led to my most private of areas. I had been taught from an early age that that it was an evil area, capable of creating carnal desires that could make a girl do anything. I also knew it was capable of creating intense pleasure. I ran my fingers through my curls between my legs, feeling the soft lips that protected my most intimate of areas. They were large and formed a warm soft mound between my legs. I had always wanted to explore between them but I couldn't bring myself to do it. As I brought my hand out I flicked across the little nub of my clit I knew to be so sensitive, sending shockwaves through my body. It felt so good but guiltily I stopped. I had been taught it was wrong to touch my pussy. Not that my mom had ever used the term. My legs weren't exactly small but I did have good slender ankles. I once heard the expression 'breeders hips' and that described them. I think my only real flaw was my backside which was kind of large. It was a latin butt.
I came away from that with the knowledge that maybe Cameron did find my desirable and perhaps this wasn't such a bad thing after all. He liked what he saw and so did I. That made it all a little better.
I decided that I would give him his wish. I loved him like no other and would probably never love anyone else. I would not get another chance to be with him like this. Giving my virginity to the love of my life wasn't that bad when you thought of it.
I had always liked lingerie, preferring stockings and a garter belt to pantyhose. I didn't really own sexy lingerie, so I decided to make a trip to Fredericks. I knew from passing by there a few times that they carried some pretty sexy things. I had no idea though the selection was so large. I was kind of embarrassed to have to go the plus size section but the sales clerk was bigger than I was!
"Hi. I'm Lisa. Can I help you with anything?"
"Well, I'm looking for something that will blow my boyfriend away. Something sexy and fun."
It was like a stranger was talking. I noticed she was looking me over but with a practiced eye to figure out what would suit me best.
"You're a large B cup, small C right?"
I just nodded, shocked that she could tell.
"I think I know exactly what you're looking for. Follow me"
"This is a satin bustier that I think you look extremely sexy on you. It's push up, which the guys like, and it's lace up in the back. You can tie it as tight as you like to cinch the waist a little."
It was the most gorgeous piece of lingerie I had ever seen. It was satin and so soft. There were ruffles of lace around the legs. It had attached garters and came with stockings and a g-string. I had never owned a thong, much less a g-string. It was so exciting. I chose a red one because that it the slut color and because it was Cameron's favorite color. I felt sexy just buying it.
"Enjoy" was all that the sales girl said to me, seeing the smile on my face.
When I got home I immediately went to my room and tried on my new lingerie. It fit like a dream. It really did make me look smaller and the push-up cups made me look like at least a D-cup. I was incredibly sexy I thought. I even enjoyed the g-string. I was a little worried that my thick curls would be poking out but it wasn't that bad. Besides, it was covered by the ruffles of lace. I couldn't decide what to do with the thatch of pubic curls. I had seen pictures of girls who have shaved down there and I knew that some guys found it sexy. It also helped if they wanted to go down on you. I couldn't imagine Cameron wanting to do that but it might be sexy. Why not let him decide. I would show it to him and let him decide. Maybe he would want to do it. All of these thoughts had caused my nipples to harden in anticipation. I could feel a wet spot in the g-string and feel my hairs starting to mat from the juice coming from me. That hadn't happened in a long time. When I reached down and touched myself I could feel heat between my legs. It felt good as I slowly rubbed my fingers back and forth across my moist mound. Every now and then I flicked my clit, sending shivers through me. I could feel the moist heat building as my hands rubbed back and forth. The bottom of the g-string was wet now. I felt waves of pleasure race through my body has I rubbed harder and began to push my fingers into the v of my mound through the panty. I had never touched my self like this before and had no idea the pleasure I could give to myself. My pace increased to point where I thought that I would tear the fabric but at the last moment the ultimate wave of pleasure swept through my body and I could no help but scream in pleasure. I felt the muscles in my groin spasm, to the point where I could see my belly quivering. I kept up the pace not wanting to let the amazing feeling go but slowly it did and I slowed down. I collapsed onto the bed, sweaty and unable to speak. The g-string was completely wet and there was moisture on the insides of my thighs. I could only image what Cameron would be able to do for me.