Heart of Gold

Many thanks to SevenSwans252 for all her hard work in editing and improving this story from a previous version.

*

"Oh my god, it's Bozo," said Ilinka.

"Who's Bozo?" said Don, looking toward the direction she was staring, but Ilinka didn't hear him as she jumped out of her chair, saying to herself, "What in the world is he doing here?" She ran over to the big burly man at the bar and screamed, giving him a big hug and a kiss despite his thick beard and general lumberjack appearance.

Bozo seemed to be just as shocked to see her, and for the next 10 minutes Don watched them from across the room talking animatedly to one another. Then, after what seemed forever, Don watched as Bozo said something to Ilinka, which made her blush as she quickly turned to look at him. He could see that she was embarrassed from forgetting he was there and immediately grabbed Bozo by the hand and pulled him to their table.

"Don," she said, "this bear of a man is Bozo. The last time I saw him was 15 years ago, and I thought we'd never cross paths again. But here he goes showing up in our favourite restaurant. Can you believe it? Bozo, this is Don, my husband."

"Pleased to meet you," Bozo said with an accent so thick that Don could barely understand him.

"Nice to meet one of Ilinka's old friends," said Don. "Will you be joining us?"

"I'm sorry," said Bozo. "Must get back to work. Take break for drink."

"Maybe we can get together some other time?" said Don. "How do you know Ilinka?"

"Bozo used to be my boss," she said.

A look of concern crossed Bozo's face, and he said something to Ilinka in their language.

"Oh, don't worry, Bozo," she said, switching back to English for Don's sake, "Don knows. He's all right with it."

"Oh, he was that boss," said Don, voice laced with meaning.

"Yes, Bozo's a director," said Ilinka. "He told me that a big web company brought him and his entire production team over here , and their studio's a couple of blocks away. Isn't that amazing?"

"Ilinka wonderful lady," said Bozo, almost unintelligible but clearly earnest. "You very lucky man. She tell me all about good marriage. Congratulations. Wonderful kids, too. Wish you much happiness. Must go now. Goodbye."

"It was so good to see you, Bozo," she said, wrapping her hands around his neck and looking at him with her face inches from his weathered face. "I hope you find success here in the States." She kissed him on the cheek and he gave a nod to Don before walking away. When Ilinka sat down, Don saw tears in her eyes and she said, "I'm glad I saw Bozo again. I always wondered what ever became of him."

The first thing Don noticed about Ilinka was her stunning beauty that had a touch of the exotic. That's because of her Eastern European bloodlines . She said she didn't know much about her ancestry, but Don was sure there was gypsy blood in there somewhere. He told her that's why she was so passionate and also so mercenary . She always told him that was a stupid stereotype.

When he asked her out, she seemed wary, but allowed him to pursue her, even though he quickly discovered she was seeing other men. They had a good time together, especially in bed, but she seemed to keep her distance, emotionally. A few months later, he asked her about her other male friends and found out she was no longer seeing them. Shortly after, he suggested they move in together and she agreed, albeit without the enthusiasm he would have preferred.

As he got to know her in close quarters, he soon realized Ilinka had some strange personality traits and many secrets. She never talked about her life before coming to the United States at 19, and he figured her obsession with money and suspicion of strangers came from growing up impoverished and scared. However, he was happy when she told him she was working on being more open and trusting with him.

The strange thing was that the more of her human failings he discovered, the more his affection for her grew. She was affectionate to him, too, but only up to a point. He fell hard, but he didn't say anything, because she never expressed strong feelings for him even after living together for two years.

One day, Don woke up and realized that being with her exclusively was making him feel ready to settle down. He never thought it would happen, but he craved stability and security in his personal life, and even considered the possibility of having children. Don wondered if she might be thinking similar thoughts but assumed that if she was, he was not part of her plan.

Don mentally paced for a week, trying to decide what he should do about these new feelings. If he told Ilinka how he felt, that would probably be the end of their being together. On the other hand, this relationship was going nowhere and he yearned for something more permanent. Finally, Don decided that he had to do something, even at the risk of losing her completely.

One night when they were having dinner at home, he asked her, "Have you ever thought of what you'd say if I asked you to marry me?" he said.

She seemed startled. "Don't be silly," she said dismissively. "Aren't we happy together? Why would you want to destroy that?"

"I'm serious, Ilinka," he said. "I'm not angry that you're living with me while you're looking for Mr. Right, but as I've gotten to know you better, I've developed feelings for you, and I'm at the point in my life where I want to settle down with a partner. Just tell me the truth. I may not like it, but I've finally worked up the courage to hear it."

"You're funny, Don," she said. "You're the one who's looking for the right person. I know you like being with me, because I'm beautiful and exotic, like you told me when we first met, and that makes other girls more interested in you. I don't resent you using me like that, because I'm comfortable with our arrangement, but I knew someday you'd move on."

"You're wrong," he said. "I'll admit that at the beginning I never thought we'd be together long, because you were always talking about men in terms of their income potential. But I never thought of you as something that would attract other women."

"Don, I hope you find someone wonderful to love. I hope she will be a special person who's also worthy of your love. Me, I don't know about love. I think I was in love once when I was very young, and it hurt a lot. Friendship can hurt, too, but not as bad as love."

"So that means you wouldn't be interested in spending the rest of your life with me and having a family?" he said.

"That sounds so perfect, Don, but it's a fantasy. We aren't good for each other that way."

"So you don't have feelings for me," he said. "Is that what you're saying? I realized I loved you when I began wanting to make you happy. If that means giving you up to a man that you love, I'm not going to fight it. I hope I've made you a little bit happy the last two years. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you cry.

"I'm crying because you really annoy me, Don," she said. "You really don't know me."

"And you obviously don't know me, Ilinka," he said, "even though you've been with my family when they visited, and all of them like you. But I know what I want for the future, and it's a wife and family. It sounds like that would be boring to you. You probably want a more exotic lifestyle."

"Why do you keep saying that, Don?" she said. "Yes, I come from Eastern Europe, and my childhood was a lot different than yours. But you should know me well enough to know I'm 100% American. I go after my dreams and won't let anyone stop me. You've even called me ruthless, and you were surprised when I told you that I considered that a compliment.

"I like being with you because you've made me a little softer and more open. Thanks to you, I have more friends now than I ever expected to have."

"Why wouldn't our chemistry work just as well when we are married, Ilinka?" he said. "Is it that you don't want children?"

"Oh no," she said. "That's one of my goals. And I know children need a father. But I've never thought about the father other than as someone with plenty of money to provide for me while I raise the children. One of my friends told me the name for me is golddigger. Once I have children, I'm sure they will be the center of my life."

"You have some strange ideas, Ilinka?" she said. "Don't you want your children to grow up to be happy and fulfilled and have good marriages. If your husband is an afterthought, that's going to cause a lot of problems for your children."

"You sure swallow a lot of that American psychological stuff, Don," she said. "That's not how we think in Europe."

"Ilinka, this conversation is going nowhere," he said. "I guess the bottom line is that you're telling me if I asked you to marry me, you would turn me down because you don't love me and, even if you did, I don't have enough money to provide whatever it is you want for your kids. Is that right?"

She said nothing for a while, and he saw that she was struggling with her answer. Finally, she said quietly, "Yes, I guess that's right." He saw she was looking at her hands, not at him.

"Thank you for being honest, Ilinka," he said. "I'm going to start looking around. I think you're right. I need to begin dating other women again and finding another place to live."

She raised her head, and he saw she was crying. He pulled her to her feet and embraced her.

"Don't worry, Ilinka," he said. "You like to pretend you are cold and calculating, but I know you're a warm, caring woman underneath. When you find a man you really love, you'll open up that side of yourself, and you'll have a wonderful marriage and family. That's what you deserve."

His words didn't seem to comfort her, because she cried on his shoulder for a long time.

They didn't see much of each other the next three weeks, because both of their work schedules were loaded. Occasionally, they made love, but Don could feel something missing. It was still pleasurable, but now for him there was a sadness that lingered after sex that had never been there before. One time he woke in the middle of the night and heard her weeping. He put his arm around her, but she started and turned away from him and pushed her head into her pillow.

It was four weeks later when he arrived home one day, and she was sitting in the kitchen with a bottle of wine and crying. "What's wrong?" he said.

"You," she said. "You're wrong. I'm feeling horrible, and it's your fault. Tell me about all your dates with other women."

"What dates?"

"That's what I mean. And what have you done about moving out?"

"What have you done, Ilinka?"

"Nothing, the same as you. I think you're hanging on to me, and I don't want to let you go, either, but we have to."

"Tell me again why we have to."

"You're cruel. You like torturing me."

"Wait a minute? Who turned who down? You told me you don't love me."

"You're a monster. You twist my words."

"Are you crazy? I've never seen you like this? What's going on?"

"You're stupid, too."

"Yes, I'm stupid, because I'm just starting to get it. All I want is the truth, Ilinka. Do you love me?"

"I'm not going to answer that question, because it's too ridiculous. We can't get married. It wouldn't work. I would make you the unhappiest man in the world. Just like I'm the unhappiest woman in the world right now."

"This isn't like you, Ilinka. You're all business. Tomorrow, I'm going to be all business. I'm buying a ring. Don't worry. I know you. I'll buy it from a place where you can exchange it for one that you like better. Tomorrow night, we have an appointment at 7, and you better not be late."

"No, Don," she said. "No ring tomorrow. I've had too much wine to talk. But I'll be here at 7 for our appointment, because I owe you an explanation so you'll understand why we can never marry."

"I'm going to tell the truth tonight, Don," she said the next night when they went to the living room after dinner. When he came home, he noticed her eyes were red, but he said nothing.

"I don't know why, but right after we started dating, I decided to never lie to you. I lie all the time to other people, but I'm working on that. I needed to lie often in the old country, but in America, you only need to lie a little bit. I don't enjoy lying, and you've helped me so I lie a lot less to everyone.

"I've never lied to you, but I did hide the truth. Not anymore. I know you will feel completely different about me, which is why I never wanted to tell you these things, because I know what they will do to you. But I think I have to do this so you can find someone who will bring you happiness.

"The first thing I have to admit is something I couldn't face. I've handled many things in my life, but I tried to hide this from myself. And I'd still be hiding it, if you hadn't forced me to face it. So I hate you for that, but I'm also grateful, because I needed to face it.

"The fact is, I love you. No, don't get up. Sit there until I'm done. I realize now that I love you more than anyone I've ever loved or will ever love again. You are everything I want in a man. Just being with you makes me think that I'm a better person than I really am.

"And that's the only reason I'm sitting here telling you this. I'm going to move out by next week. If you won't do something for yourself, I know I must. You need to forget me and move on.

"I'm not going to bore you with my whole life story but I will tell you enough for you to understand a little more about me. I grew up with only a mother, but I had lots of friends and a happy childhood. I was never abused physically or sexually. I tell you that for a reason.

"Maybe it was the gypsy blood that you imagine I have, but when I was a teenager, I became aware of two things. One was how poor my mother and I were and how little chance I had to escape a life similar to hers. She was comforted by religion, but as you know, I think it's superstition, so it never helped me accept the way things are.

"The second thing I realized was that I was beautiful. I don't know how it happened, because if you look at pictures of me as a child, I wasn't one of the cute ones. But somehow I came out with this body and this face, and when I was around 16, I noticed friends and strangers both started treating me differently.

"I'm not stupid. When I thought about the future, my goal was to have money. Yes, I wanted to help my mother, but mostly I wanted it for myself. I didn't want to become like her. I needed to escape. I began to read about making money, and I discovered that all the books about people who were poor and found a way to be rich were translations and came from the same country: the United States of America.

"I began reading about America, and I quickly realized that the best chance I would have to escape poverty would be to come here. I started investigating that, but I soon realized that it would be almost impossible. I was young, I didn't know English and had little work experience.

"I met a nice gentleman at the American legation, and I got the idea that for certain favours, he would speed up the immigration process. I had just recently started having sex with boys, and I thought about it, but when I thought about America, it was like a dream. Everything was idealized. America was where you only needed to work hard and you would be happy. I didn't want to start my fantasy journey lying on my back.

"How naive I was! Well, this gentleman was still very nice to me, even though I refused him. I think he enjoyed being seen with me at restaurants. We met occasionally to discuss the status of my application, and he was very helpful. One time, he told me that it's too bad I was beautiful and poor, because if I was ugly and rich, I would already be in America.

"I asked him what he meant, and he said that immigrants who could show that they had enough money to survive without finding a job right away moved to the head of the line. They wouldn't be applying for welfare, and they might even start businesses that gave jobs to other Americans. So though it wasn't fair, people with money were more welcome in America than poor people.

"Now I was more frustrated. There was my ticket to America. All I needed was money. What a laugh! Then three days later, I met Bozo at a party, and we began talking. I liked him immediately, maybe because he told me I was beautiful, but then acted like it didn't matter. I asked him why he said that but didn't come on to me or at least start talking stupid stuff, and he said it was because he knew a lot of beautiful women.

"You can imagine how that intrigued me . We left the party and went to his apartment, where we talked until 3 a.m. Or I should say, I talked about an hour and told him all my dreams, and then he talked the rest of the time about how I might be able to achieve them. We didn't have sex that first night, but when I left his apartment, I was happier than I had been since I was a child.

"He told me that because of my looks, I had choices other women didn't have. I could get a job in the tourist industry -- in a hotel, at an airline, at a car rental agency, at a tour company -- where I was likely to run into an occasional older, wealthy single American man. When I found one that suited me, I shouldn't have any trouble roping him in, and he would be my ticket to America. He said America was full of ugly old men who had purchased beautiful East European wives.

"Another way would be to sign up with a mail-order bride company. Those ugly rich Americans were coming over every day buying the beautiful woman they saw online and taking her home. It was a big business.

"He said the only problem with those ways was that sometimes the man was damaged. He could be a great husband, but he could also be mentally disturbed or even dangerous. If I got one of those, I would need to get a divorce, but if I did it too quickly, I might be deported.

"After I told him how much money the American official said I needed to have to move up the quota list, he thought of a third way. I could go to work for him. He was the top porn director in the country, and he told me that if I worked hard, I could make the money in a year. He said it wasn't easy work, and most girls couldn't take it for more than a few months.

"The next day, I called up a girlfriend who had experience in the porn industry. She told me Bozo had a great reputation for treating his employees well and paying more than anyone else. She said it wasn't that hard, except for the stuff that hurt or was disgusting, but of course, that stuff paid much more than the easy stuff.

"I thought about it for a few days, and then I figured why not at least give it a try, so I called up Bozo. He let me come over and watch the filming one day. I thought I knew all about sex at 17, but I was shocked by some of the things I saw. I asked myself if I could do them, and I think Bozo saw that I was scared. He told me that even though I would be playing many roles, including victim, he would never force me to do anything I didn't want to. He also said I should wait at least three days to make a decision."

As Don listened to her, his eyes opened wider and wider, and his jaw dropped. His mouth formed a circle.

"The third morning," she continued, "I called him, and I started work that day. He brought me along slowly. For a while, it was only masturbating in front of a camera. Then came girl-girl. Then I began doing fetish movies where all I did was torture or humiliate men or women. I learned to stick my fingers and fists into every hole in the body and do other strange things that men wanted to see.

"As I got used to the work, I told Bozo that I was ready for more. Eventually, I did everything -- even being fisted myself and extreme bondage and worse. Anything you can see on the Internet, I've done.