Heartless

"I don't want to see you. I don't want to know you. I don't want any more entanglements in my life. Will that do?"

He stared at me a long moment. "I guess that's plain enough. Just for the record, I wasn't trying to complicate your life. I just thought it would be nice to get to know you. I wanted to see if I could make you smile. You're a hard woman but I'll crack that shell yet."

I watched as he turned toward the door. He winced as he brushed his arm on the molding.

"Wait," I said against my better judgement. "Let me take a look at that." I reached for him and directed him to the chair by the vanity. "Sit down. Let me see it."

I knelt in front of him and carefully probed his arm. I could feel his gaze on me. It made me hot all over. His arm was bruised and the surface of the skin was split but there didn't appear to be any bones out of place. I looked up into the power of his gaze.

"You're a beautiful woman, Amelia," he said as he raised his good hand up to touch my cheek. "I wonder what it would be like to take the sadness from your eyes."

I snapped my head back, away from his fingers. "I don't think anything's broken but we should probably get this x-rayed. I'll take you to the hospital. I doubt you can drive safely like this."

He didn't move. His eyes held mine. "Don't pull away from me, Lia. You've been pulling away all your life. It's time to let someone in."

I could feel his heat. But it was more than physical. There was a strength in him that I hadn't seen in most men. Something about him that was drawing me to him. I wanted to run. I had to get away. I felt danger in his presence and I needed to run.

I stood up and headed for the door. Before I got far he was in front of me, blocking my way. He grabbed both of my arms. I saw him flinch slightly but he held fast. "I can see the doubt in your eyes," he whispered. "I know you want to give in to what you're feeling. Just do it. Take a chance. Find out that there is something here we can discover together."

I wrenched my arms free and shoved him out of the way. "I can't!" I screamed and ran up the hall.

He followed. When I reached the living room I turned around to face him. His gaze never wavered. "I'm not leaving here. I'm staying. I know that there is a woman's heart in there somewhere, just aching to come out. You've been hurt. So what? We all have. The difference is you blame yourself for something you couldn't control. He's the one that fucked up, not you. It had nothing to do with you. He was a sick bastard and you suffered the consequences. Stop punishing yourself. Let someone love you."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He knew. He knew everything about me. "What the hell has Sara been telling you? Does everyone have to know about my humiliation?"

"It was twelve years ago. Do you think he was worth twelve years of your life? Open your eyes, damn you. See what's in front of you. I'm here and I could love you if you let me."

I laughed. It was a deranged sound. "Love me? You don't even know me. You have no idea who I am."

"I know you. I know your father is a cruel bastard and he used you as a punching bag. I know that you've had nothing but pain all your life. But it doesn't have to be that way. If you just let someone see the real you, you would see that you can be loved."

Fear sparked in my brain. "Sara didn't tell you that. I didn't tell anyone about my dad. How do you know about him?"

"I've known you for a long time. I've watched you and I've seen what you are capable of. You have a capacity for love like few others. You care about people and you do what you can to help everyone. You take care of Sara like she's your sister. You look after Mrs. Roberts next door and bring her homemade cookies. You take blankets out into alleys and back streets in the middle of the night because you're afraid that the homeless people will freeze. I know you well, Lia.

"I met you, a long time ago," he continued, "a sad-eyed, angry girl who pushed the world away. I kept tabs on you. When I found out my cousin was your friend I decided to move my businesses here."

I fell back a step. "When did we ever meet?"

"That night, when you visited Bill. I lived in the same off-campus building. I saw you walk out of that apartment, your head held high. You were dignified and proud. But I saw the hurt in your eyes. I saw the tears that you refused to shed. I had seen your picture in his apartment and fell in love with the joy I saw in your face, but when you came out of there that joy was killed. I wanted to throttle the fucker. I wanted to take that pain away from you. I wanted you to smile and laugh and be the girl in the picture.

"You walked past me in the hall. You looked right at me but you didn't see me. I spoke to you and when you looked up at me I felt a pain in my heart for the girl that was gone. Still, you couldn't see me. You walked away. I've watched over you since."

It was too much for me to take in. He was dredging up memories that I hated and pain that stole my breath. I sank onto the couch, staring at something that no one else could see. "Who are you?"

"A man who fell in love."

I looked up at him. I felt dizzy and was afraid that I would pass out. He approached me slowly, like one would approach a wild animal. He put his hand on my shoulder and knelt in front of me. "Lia, I never meant to upset you. I only wanted to make sure you would find happiness. But you haven't. If you want me to go, I'll go. But understand this—someone loves you and always will. The few moments we spent together are the best in my life."

"I can't," I whispered. I scooted away from him. "I can't." My voice was getting louder. "I can't!" I screamed as I pushed off the couch.

"Why?" He was on his feet beside me.

"I just can't."

His hand stroked my hair. The need to flee was overwhelming. I walked backwards away from him, nearly tripping over the coffee table.

"Open your heart, Lia. Let me love you."

He was touching me again. The warmth of his hand was sending his argument home. He moved closer. His lips were inches from my own. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to feel his arms around me. I wanted to lose myself in his eyes and let the world disappear. When his lips touched mine I whimpered. I tried to push him away but both his arms snaked around me and held me fast. The kiss stretched out for a lifetime and when it ended I let my head fall onto his shoulder. His hands stroked my back and for a brief moment I believed that I would no longer be alone.

Then the faces of all those men came into my mind. Their cold, angry eyes stared at me. I remembered how many times I had promised myself that I would never let anyone get close enough to hurt me again. "I can't," I yelled and shoved him off me.

I heard his bellow of pain and saw him clutch his injured arm. It was bleeding again. I backed away. "Devlin, I hurt everyone. I'll hurt you too. I'm poison. You need to get as far away from me as possible. You need to stay away from me. You're a good person. You deserve better."

"I'm not going anywhere. If you send me away I'll just come back, and I'll keep coming back until you get tired of fighting me."

I almost laughed at the thought. "You must be a glutton for punishment."

"No, just a man in love."

"Stop saying that. I don't want you to love me. I don't have anything to give."

"You're lying," he said as he took a step closer. "You have everything to give. Just open up a little. Take a chance."

"Devlin..." Whatever I wanted to say was forgotten when he kissed me again. With a moan I returned his kiss and let my body melt against his. I felt his lips leave mine and rain feathery kisses down my throat. I had no choice but to cling to him. All my strength was gone. I wanted him and I wanted to believe in him.

I felt his hand wander up my back, inside my blouse. It was warm and strong. His lips found mine again and burned me with his fire. I had never been kissed like that, and I didn't want it to stop. He pushed me against the wall and I felt him flinch when his wounded arm was pinned between us.

I put my hands against his shoulders and pushed. "Amelia," he said against my lips. "Don't push me away."

"I'm not. It's just that we need to look after your arm."

"The hell with that," he growled and threw me over his shoulder. He carried me to my bed and threw me onto the mattress. "My arm can wait, I can't."

He was on top of me in an instant. His lips, his tongue and his hands were undressing and exploring every inch of me. When his mouth found my left nipple I nearly screamed. His body was shaking and I could feel the strength with which he tried to control himself. "Love me, Lia," he said as if he could invoke emotion in me by sheer force of will. "Love me."

I didn't answer with my voice. I had no words to share. I only knew that his body was driving me wild and I wanted him more than I had wanted anything or anyone in my life. I had an unanswered need in me and I knew that he was going to fill it. I entangled my fingers in his hair, pinning his head to my body. I wanted him to possess me.

I saw the pain on his face when he tried to raise his body on his outstretched arms and he fell against me. He wrapped his good arm under me and rolled my body on top of his. His cock entered me with a life of its own and filled me completely. I cradled his head on my arms as his mouth sought out my breast again. My hips moved to take his thrusts as he pounded up into me.

Our breaths mingled in a ragged cadence as we climbed together. I sat up and rode hard until my body shuddered and I heard him groan my name. He slammed into me again, sending me over the edge to topple on top of him. I felt his lips caressing my neck as he spoke words of love. Finally we lay still in each other's arms.

After a few minutes I moved to get off him, pinning his arm. I heard his sharp intake of breath and sat straight up. I examined his arm with horror.

"Devlin, you need help. This is bad." His hand was pale and swollen and his nail beds had turned blue. I looked him in the eye. "Lie still for a minute. I'll get dressed."

I pulled my clothes on hastily and grabbed his off the floor. With my help he was able to get his slacks on but I decided not to try to get him into his shirt. I could tell he was in considerable pain as I put his shoes on his feet. But he was grinning at me when I looked up.

"Anyone who makes love like that can't possibly be frigid like you think."

"You don't really know me," I told him. I knew I had made a mistake having sex with him. I knew it was only a matter of time before he left. A profound sadness crept into my heart.

We got to the hospital and the emergency room doctor ordered immediate surgery. He said that Devlin had suffered a compartment fracture and was in danger of losing his right arm. The doctor asked him why he waited so long to seek medical attention. Devlin grinned up at me, causing me to blush. The doctor tried to hide his own smile and told the nurse to take him away.

As he was wheeled away to the surgical unit I said goodbye to him in my heart. I found a telephone and called Sara to tell her we were at the hospital. I waited in the lounge until my friend arrived.

"Is he still in surgery? Is he all right?" She was clearly upset. "How did this happen?"

"He'll be fine," was all I could get out. The sadness in my heart was growing and I felt as if something in me was dying. "They should be done soon. Wait for him, will you? I have to go."

As I was walking away I could hear Sara calling after me. My steps quickened and by the time I reached the exit I was nearly running. I had to get away. I didn't know what had come over me but I had to flee. The ride home was the loneliest of my life. I couldn't bear the overwhelming grief that was consuming me.

When I got home I packed some clothes into a suitcase. I had no idea where I was going but I had to get out. Like a thief in the night I was running away. With suitcase in-hand I locked my house, jumped in my car and pulled off into the darkness.

The next morning I found myself in a hotel room in St. Louis, Missouri. I knew what I had to do and called my boss at home. I told him I would take that job in Seattle under two conditions. First, I had to start right away and second, it had to be kept strictly confidential. He was reluctant but he agreed. I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that I would not be faced with returning. The company would hire a crew to move my things. I could settle my financial dealings from my new home. I was safely out of harm's way.

I checked out of the hotel and got back on the road. I pointed my front bumper west and didn't look back. I didn't call my mother who would undoubtedly wonder what happened to me. I decided that I would contact her as soon as I was settled. I couldn't deal with her right now.

With each mile I put between me and the life I was leaving behind the grief in me deepened. A chasm opened in my soul that left me feeling lost and broken. I could not fathom why I was feeling this way. He was just another man who would take what he wanted and leave me empty. I knew I was doing the right thing by getting away from him but I just couldn't help the feeling that I was making a mistake.

I stayed on the road until my eyes would no longer cooperate. It was in the early morning hours that I found a hotel and stopped for a few hours' sleep. But dreams of him haunted me and kept me from getting restorative rest. By nine in the morning I was on the road again. My cell rang and I looked at the caller ID. It was him. I switched the phone off, feeling a pain in my chest.

I only stopped for restroom breaks and coffee until I reached Seattle. It was afternoon the next day when I got in and I switched on my cell again. I saw that Devlin had called several more times as had Sara. My mother had called twice and there was even a call from my father. I took a deep breath against the real physical pain I was feeling. I shoved it all into the back of my mind and dialed the number I had been given to my new offices. I informed the office manager that I was her new General Manager and asked for information. She told me that she had not been given much time to prepare but a company-owned apartment was waiting for me. I was not expected in the office until the following Monday. I decided that I just might have to surprise them a little sooner. The thought of not having anything to do until Monday just left me feeling cold.

But I was tired when I found the apartment. It was a stark set of rooms in a homely building. I was glad to see that the building was in a favorable part of town and that it was clean. Beyond that I didn't care. There were sheets on the bed and frozen dinners in the freezer. I was too tired to eat so I hit the bed as soon as I was unpacked. I didn't sleep long. Those passionate green eyes, full of hurt, stared at me in my sleep. I was up after dark, wishing I could make him go away.

Finally, unable to take the emptiness of the apartment, I wandered out into the night. I decided to explore this new home on foot, feeling that the walk would do me good. Seattle was a beautiful city and the people were friendly but before long I wished that I had brought an umbrella. After about an hour I made it back to the ugly apartment building looking like a drenched rat.

As I approached the entrance I thought I was having an hallucination. A man was sitting on the steps in the rain. He looked so much like Devlin that I had to blink several times as I neared him. I thought it was a trick of the drenching rain. But he stood as I got closer and I realized I wasn't seeing things. The man on the steps had his right arm in a sling and hazel-green eyes that glittered like the rain. It was Devlin. I stopped short.

How had he found me? Why wouldn't he just leave me alone? The pain in my chest returned, sucking the breath out of my lungs. For one heart-stopping moment I thought I would faint. I steeled myself to walk past him but the look on his face stopped me. What I saw frightened me. It was rage—cold, hard and palpable. I took a deep breath and waited.

"Inside, now!" He reached for me with his left arm. He had surprising strength for a man who had just been through surgery only a couple of days before. With my arm in his inflexible grip he shoved me through the door. I didn't like the light in his eyes and I wanted to get away from him. I felt guilty and horrible and I knew that I had hurt his feelings.

I opened my mouth to speak as he rushed me through the lobby, "Devlin, I..."

"Not-a-word," he ground out through his clenched teeth as he led me to the elevator. Once the doors opened he jerked me into the lift. "Push the button to your floor," he ordered. I hesitated only a moment before complying.

Once the lift stopped he shoved me through the door before it had completely opened. "Which way?" he demanded. I pointed in the direction of my new living quarters.

He dragged me to the end of the hall and waited while I fished in my pocket for the key. My fingers fumbled with the lock. I was unsettled by the tension in him. I felt as if I had just stepped onto a road from which there was no return. I finally had the door open.

He seized my arm again and pushed me inside, kicking the door shut behind him. He hauled me across the tiny living room and flung me onto the hard couch. I sat winded for a moment, staring at the fury in his eyes. He stood over me breathing deeply with both fists clenched. His jaw was set like granite and a vein was pulsing in his temple.

I tried to speak but he held up his hand to silence me. I clamped my mouth shut and waited for the first blow to hit me. I waited like I had waited all those times as a child for the beatings that came from my father.

"I'm not interested in a damned thing you have to say, Amelia," he began in a tightly controlled voice. "I only came here to make sure you were all right and to tell you what's on my mind." He stopped for a moment, staring at me with eyes full of hate. "Now that I see you're alive I can finish the other. Who the hell do you think you are? What gives you the right to throw people away like you do? When I leave here I hope I never have to look at you again, but for now I want to tell you what a cowardly bitch you are. I bared my soul to you. I opened my heart and my arms to you. And I felt you open to me. I know you wanted me as badly as I wanted you.

"Still you pushed me away. Worse than that, you ran away. You have not right to throw away your happiness – and mine – with both hands. You will spend the rest of your life alone if you're not careful." He stopped to take a breath.

What he didn't realize was that I already knew that I was destined to be alone. Hearing him say it, though, drove it home like a wooden stake in my heart. The pain in my chest worsened and a lump formed in my throat. I couldn't swallow and I could barely breathe.

He continued, "I had to hire two detectives to find out what happened to you. When I got out of surgery no one knew where you were. Your boss lied to me. Your mother was frantic and your dad sounded like he wanted to kill you."

"You called my parents?" I whispered.

"Yeah, I called them. I was desperate. I didn't know what happened to you."

"You spoke to my father?" I was transported back to a time when those words struck fear in my heart.

"Damn right." Exasperation was thick in his voice. "You listen to me good, woman." He leaned close to me with eyes that mirrored green ice. "I tried with you. I have never failed at anything in my life until now. I don't like it. I'm going to leave you alone now but before I go I want you to know that you could have had it all. Love, happiness and a future together were all right there for you."