tagHumor & SatireHeaven or Hell

Heaven or Hell

byMany Feathers©

Let's face it. No one really knows what its like to die, I certainly didn't. The last thing I remember was someone saying, "He's gone." In the next instant I was somewhere else. I can't even explain it really, because the somewhere else was without substance, without definition really. Until images came to mind, places I had once known, been to, or had wondered about. Then suddenly...there I was!

It felt warm, comforting. I was standing on a hill, there was a breeze against my face, though again, there hadn't been until I'd considered it, then there it was! It was quiet, peaceful, just as I imagined it might be, would be. I looked down at myself, I was old.

"Damn! Arn't we supposed to change back to the best way we ever looked, or should look?" I wondered. And suddenly, I did. At least I wasn't just a thought floating around without substance. Then I grimaced, worried that I would be, but that didn't happen.

"Ok, that's better. Much, much better!" I said feeling a hell of a lot better admittedly. But it was still strange.

I mean, we all have our own ideas of what Heaven is supposed to be like I suppose. But this wasn't like anything I'd ever even heard of or imagined before either. No pearly gates, though they'd have looked really out of place from where I was standing. No white haired guy in a white flowing robe with a great big book with a bright green bookmarker holding the place open where my name would have been listed. None of that. Hell, there wasn't even a bird singing or a butterfly flying. And then...there was.

"Ok, maybe I'm starting to get the hang of this after all," I thought to myself.

But I was still surprised no one had come to greet me, no one had come to tell me where I was supposed to go, or what I was supposed to do. I even thought about my parents who had died years ago. Nothing. Unlike the sudden appearance of birds, butterflies and bee's (which I quickly decided I didn't want or need and made them go away) there was nothing else. At least no mom, no dad. No uncles, no aunts, no friends (only one or two of which I could actually remember as having died before I did). Bottom line was, no people.

"Well, this sucks!" I said aloud wondering if anyone could actually hear me.

I decided to go for a walk, and then wondered if I could fly. Sure enough, I was floating in the air and moving forward at an incredible speed. Problem was, the ground below me whizzed by faster than I could imagine it until I was standing in the middle of darkness.

"Lets try that one again," I thought. I was back on the hill again, oh yeah; the breeze thing, and the birds and the butterflies were kinda cool too. Except, I really am going to walk this time, at least until such a time as I get the flying/moving thing down a whole lot better.

So I walked. And I walked, and I walked. The only cool thing here was, when I got tired of walking and seeing the same scenery (cause I knew it usually would take several hours if I was to walk out of this valley and actually get anywhere else), all I had to do was think of another place, and I was there. One moment in the mountains, in the next walking through Canyon lands in Moab. At least I thought it was Moab, sure looked like it anyway, though once again there was no people. And that was the other interesting part. I tried thinking about the valley where I'd lived, my home, once again my friends and family. I think...though don't take my word on this, but I think I was in the valley where my home should be, once was, or would be. I mean who knows, when your dead, maybe when we're there, we're just borrowing the here, which is real, when that reality isn't. Anyway, no houses, no cars, no planes, no people. Nada...nothing.

I kept thinking that maybe I was on hold or something. Or that I'd failed to see the sign that had said "Out to lunch". I certainly didn't want to stand around in the dark, and I was sort of missing the birds at this point, as I'd forgotten to bring them along with me. So I went back. Back to the mountain, sat down and waited.

Who knows how long I sat there waiting. A year? A day? A century or two? Who the hell knows. I certainly didn't have a watch, couldn't even produce one. And who was around to tell or give me the correct time, or even what the hell day it was anyway?

So I just sat there and waited. And wondered. And began to think about my life and some of the people I knew, or once knew anyway. And then the last thing in the world I had ever expected to happen happened. I looked up the hill and saw a young woman walking towards me. She looked familiar, and even at this distance I could envision her face, see her smile, and she even waved.

"Thank God!" I said aloud, half expecting to hear a booming "You're Welcome!" but that didn't happen either. I really hate it when you can't remember a name. I mean I knew I knew her, I just couldn't remember from where, or when. Then it came to me. And was that because I suddenly decided I did know her name? That I'd actually thought about her in passing when I began thinking about my life and what I'd accomplished or failed to accomplish for one reason or another? Or because I just decided what her name was. Once again, I didn't know for sure, not really. But as Darlene approached getting ever closer, which is when I suddenly decided to do the half-fly, half hop thing, I was standing next to her.

"Darlene? Is that really you?" She smiled and nodded her head yes.

"Please tell me you can speak," I asked worriedly. "Or are we supposed to be talking with our minds and not our mouths or something like that?" I asked.

She laughed then, which was like music to my ears (and briefly, I swear I could hear the Sound of Music playing in the background).

"I've been looking for you," She said simply.

"You have?"

"Yes, ever since I got here."

"How long has that been?"

"Oh, I don't know, forever maybe? Who knows?"

At the moment, I couldn't very well argue with that. "Well, it's sure as hell nice to finally see someone else, and actually talk to them!" Then I hunched my shoulders worriedly, wondering if the word "Hell" was appropriate, or inappropriate under the circumstances.

"So, you seen anyone else?" I had to ask.

"Nope, just you. But then again, like I said, you're the only one I've been looking for anyway."

I still wondered why. Why was she here with me and not with her friends, her family. What was she doing here looking for me for? And why her anyway? I mean after all, Darlene had been the first girl I had ever kissed, first girl who two years later actually let me touch her boobs, and then the first girl I had ever gone down on in her parents bedroom when they were out for the evening. But what that had to do with us still escaped me. Or any of this for that matter.

"So, now what?" I had to ask.

"I don't know, you tell me," she responded.

Like that helped anything. I guess we could continue to sit here and wait. But I'd done that already. And it was Darlene that said she'd been wandering around for just about ever looking for me, so there had to be something about that that made some sort of sense, which for the moment at least, didn't.

And then I thought about something else.

"Was there a reason why you've been looking for me?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said finally grinning. "Why don't you lie down on the grass and I'll show you."

Now we were getting somewhere. Unless she suddenly turned into some sort of Vampire or something at the last minute.

"You're not a Vampire are you?" I had to ask. Once again she laughed.

"No, and I'm not here to suck your blood either. But I wouldn't mind sucking something else."

"Ok, this HAD to be heaven!" I decided. "No way in, well...you know, no way in that place could this be that."

She had a lot bigger, a lot nicer tits than I remembered too. But of course that probably made sense. I mean back then...anyways, at least now she had them and they were pretty nice looking too. She undressed and got down on her knees and oh yeah, that felt nice, really nice. And once again I was reminded how good this felt, how pleasurable this was, and that if she kept this up I'd soon be climaxing. And then the fear, "What if? What if I can't? What if she sucks and sucks me for ever and I can't?" But then I was, and I did...and all was right with the world again. Well, this world anyway. And besides, I sorta always figured that if a person went to hell, they probably couldn't have an orgasm, so that was at least a point on the Heaven side of the ledger I suppose. And the fact I'd just had one, and a damn good one in fact, tended to support that theory.

"Now what do you want to do?" I asked a while later.

"How about we fuck now?" she asked demurely. Once again I looked around. "Maybe you shouldn't talk like that here," I told her. "Mess around, or do it might be a little more appropriate, something like that."

"Ok, so lets mess around then," she stated.

So we did.

The only thing I remember about Darlene that I didn't like was that she was so clingy as they say. Seemed she was always touching me one-way or the other. A hand on my leg if we were simply sitting there, or if we walked anyplace, she had to hold my hand, or if we laid down in the grass, or on a hill, or sometimes when we just floated around off the ground (especially then) so I quit floating after that), she had to be holding onto something. I mean sometimes when she held onto things, or when even I did, I liked it. But not all the time. But if I said anything to her about it, hurt her feelings, then she'd sit there and cry until I told her I was sorry, to which there would come the hand into my lap again.

Oh yeah, and you don't sleep either. You don't go to bed and wake up the next morning feeling either tired, sleepy or refreshed. The sun's just sort of there, all the time, though you don't see the sun, or anything else like it for that matter. It's just sun-shinny with light all day long (all night long for that matter) but like I said. You don't sleep. I sorta miss that.

Then a while later. (I like to think in terms of days, but for all I know, a day is a year here, or a millennium, who cares?) Anyway, so like about maybe a week later we're hanging out, (oh yeah and I gave up wearing clothes, I mean whets the point? We're usually naked most of the time anyway, and it makes it a whole lot easier when we're in the mood to mess around). So we've just finished doing it...again, when I look up the road. (Made that one myself out of dirt, seemed appropriate anyway, somewhere to look down, or walk down when we weren't busy messing around). And low and behold, I see this other girl approaching us. And just like Darlene, I think I know her, and then I do know her. Brenda?

Brenda's the first girl I ever did it with. She smiles and waves, and I wave back and notice Darlene's not smiling. But she remains by my side as we sort of do the float walk thing towards where Brenda's standing.

Next thing you know, it's the same story. Brenda's been looking for me for quite a while too now, and finally knows where to find me, so she has, and here she is, and here we are all now.

And then we're all messing around, having a hell...I mean having a lot of fun, and its all good, and they're both beautiful and all that, even though Brenda and Darlene sort of fight over who's going first and that sort of thing, which is kind of cool in a way as I really never did have another girl fight over me, except for maybe Theresa, and then low and behold, I see her approaching, smiling and waving at us too.

Damn, now isn't this interesting? I think to myself. Then I begin to picture all the girls I've ever known, ever been with throughout my entire life. And the next thing I know, there's this entire flock of women walking down the road towards us, towards me rather as neither Darlene, Brenda, or especially Theresa are looking very anxious to meet any of them.

And better still, every damn, ah every darn one of them is as naked as the day they were born, or died...whatever.

And have you ever heard the term, "Too much of a good thing?" Well in a way I guess, this was the perfect example of that. Though admittedly when I saw my first wife, and my third I began to wonder. And though my second wife hadn't shown up as yet, I was sort of grateful for that, as I'd really considered her to be quite a bitch, and so she either hadn't died yet (and I couldn't honestly remember if she had, or if she hadn't...and who knows what time it is, or how long we've all been here anyway) the fact she hadn't shown up was a good sign, sorta. Because she really had been the meanest most vindictive woman I'd ever known. And seeing her here, really would convince me this was Hell, and not just some sort of holding area that I was now sorta hoping this really was.

But it was all still pretty much confusing. On the one hand, I could "do it" with any one of them any time I liked. And did so, but I had to admit, it took a lot out of me, and most of them afterwards got all pissy about it if I hadn't chosen one of them. (Especially Theresa). And have you ever tried doing it with someone else hanging over your shoulder yelling "Me next? Me next?" I tell ya, it's not exactly conducive to keeping it up even while your doing it, or even how attractive or how beautiful the woman are with that going on all the time.

Eventually, I did learn that if I thought about moving very fast when I flew, entered that black void, I would find myself alone. The only problem with that was, the moment I came out, wherever it was I thought I would be, they'd find me. Then it was fucking, sucking until I was totally exhausted once again, not to mention all the God damn bickering (yeah you heard me) it's starting to get on my nerves in case you didn't know it.

Point is, I'm still not exactly sure what's going on, why I'm here, or what this really is.

Mostly now I just sit alone here in the dark.

I miss my birds.

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