Heirloom

She was still concerned, read jealous here, about Bobbie and me. Looking at it from Amber's point of view, I guess I could understand her concern. Bobbie is as pretty in her own way as Amber is in hers.

While Amber had the blond good looks and body of a cheerleader, Bobbie was just as tall but with a slimmer, athletic type body. She had auburn hair worn long, usually in a pony tail, and big blue eyes with a few freckles across her nose. Amber was a go to fancy dinners, plays, and the "right" type of party's girl. Bobbie was a let's go fishing, or have pizza and beer, or keg party type. In short Amber was a little bit high maintenance and Bobbie was one of the guys; a damn good looking guy at that.

Amber and I made love for the first time while on a picnic at the little stream running through the back of our ranch. We had been on a ride into the national forest adjacent to our ranch and stopped at the stream for our lunch. Let me say here that I didn't seduce Amber; if anything she was the one that seduced me, although I didn't put up much of a fight.

We had worn our bathing suits under our clothes and stripped down to them when we got to the stream. While we were swimming after lunch Amber made a comment about how pretty it was here with the stream and the swimming hole.

"When Dad and Mom bought the place years ago, he dammed the stream so the family would have a place to swim. My brother and I would sometime sneak off and go skinny dipping. Dad caught us one time when I was about ten; we were supposed to be rounding up some stray cattle and saw him standing at the edge of the tree line watching us.

He never said anything but that was the last time that we skinny dipped before our chores were done. Ethan and I would still jump off the horses, get naked, and jump in the water but only after our work was done,"

"Skinny dipping huh? Sounds exciting," Amber said, stripped off her bikini, and slowly walked into the water.

My efforts not to stare at her in that tiny bikini hadn't been entirely successful and once she took it off there was no chance of not looking. I'm a normal red blooded young man who had been chaste since I started dating Amber so I can't be blamed for my reaction. Anyway she didn't put up any resistance and in fact sort of led the way. Other than the sand on the blanket it was almost perfect.

We tried to be cool when we got back to the house but I think everyone knew what had happened. My dad was the only one to say anything when he mentioned that it looked like I had gotten a lot of sun that day. That last ride was sort of bitter sweet because Amber left the next day. It wasn't as if we would be apart for the whole summer because one of us would go to the others home twice a month on the weekends. But it wasn't like seeing and talking to each other every day.

Shortly after we got back to school Amber was busy one week end with her parents. They had stopped by on their way to the west coast to spend the weekend with her. I went to dinner with them on Friday night; the dinner was nice but cordial is the best that could be said about meeting her parents. I didn't get to see Amber for the rest of their visit: they didn't leave until early Monday morning. It really didn't bother me because it gave me a chance to talk to Bobbie.

I ordered a pizza and Bobbie and I ate at my apartment. I wasn't hiding anything but Amber didn't care for my friendship with Bobbie. I tried to explain to Amber that Bobbie wasn't competition; that next to my sister Bobbie was my best friend. My explanation didn't impress her or change her mind so I hadn't seen Bobbie for any length of time for a couple of months.

Bobbie came waltzing into my place with two six packs and a smile. "I guess you got a parole for tonight, huh?" Are you sure you want to see me, I mean Amber might not like it?" She was pulling my chain; Amber didn't impress her at all.

"Knock it off will ya? I need to talk to someone and other than my sister you're the only one I trust; I mean to talk to about this."

"Okay, let's eat and you can tell "momma" all about it," she said. Even being serious she was always a bit of a smart ass.

I was comfortable talking about my "love life" with Bobbie. We have known each other forever and she helped me get through my mother's death; in some ways she was closer than my brother or sister. So I told her about my feelings for Amber. I explained that I enjoyed being with her, that I admired her, and that she was the first woman that I had dated that I wanted to spend a lot of time with.

"When I'm not with her I want to be and when I'm with her I'm a happy guy. But something's missing, something's not right. I think about "us" but I don't think about a future together. It's all right now or next week but nothing long term. Is that weird or what?"

"How's your sex life?" Bobbie was being serious. "Do you guys fit together and enjoy each other or is it just sex?"

"The first time was her last day at the ranch and twice more over the summer when she would come to visit. And yes we fit together and yes we enjoy it; it's more than just sex," I answered, a little put out at the question. But this was Bobbie and I needed her help.

"What? The supreme Casanova has only bedded the fair Amber a couple of times. Stop the presses this is front page news." Bobbie stopped teasing me and got serious again. "I find that interesting. I mean you've bedded just about every girl you've wanted to but your experiences with Amber is very limited. Strange!"

"We didn't think it would be good to go hog wild and rut like animals. So we decided to restrict ourselves," I defended myself.

"And whose idea was that, J.T.? Yours or hers?"

"It was a mutual decision."

"Bullshit. That's not the J.T. I know and love, something's funny here but I don't know what. I've never known you to back off like this. Either you're in love or you're trying to fool yourself into thinking you are. You better think about this before you go any further." Bobbie had always had a unique talent for cutting through the bullshit.

We tabled that discussion and tried to see how many of the beers we could put away. I won but the next morning I was a little the worse for wear. Bobbie slept on the couch and was almost as bad as me. It seems somewhere in our talk we found half a bottle of Jose Cuervo and decided to put it out of its misery. Senor Cuervo won.

I called Amber after classes on Monday to see when she wanted to get together. She said she had to do some make-up work in one of her classes and probably wouldn't see me until the weekend. It seemed a little funny to me, I mean we had spent almost every day together before the summer break and now she was too busy studying to see me.

For the next two weeks I only saw Amber six or seven times. This may seem sufficient but prior to the year-end break we would have been together at least ten days or evenings. One good thing about our cut back relationship was that I got to spend more time with Bobbie without getting an ass chewing from Amber.

On Friday evening Bobbie and I were doing the pizza routine at my apartment again and I again asked her opinion about Amber. I told her that Amber and I were going to dinner the next night and that it was the first time I would see her that week. In fact I had only talked to her once during that period, I told Bobbie.

"Okay, enough. I repeat, this isn't the J.T. I know. You've never let anyone including me, dictate your life like this. Tomorrow night is the perfect time to straighten this mess out. Either you love her and want to spend your life with Amber or you don't. Cut and dried, A B C, get it done son," Bobbie cut through the bullshit again.

"But I ......" I started.

"But nothing John." Bobbie never called me John unless she was really upset with me. "Get your head out and find out what's going on. If you love her make your point and discuss your problem with not seeing her more. If you don't love her then break it off. You don't need or deserve to be treated like this and she doesn't deserve to be led on. Thus ends my sermon," she said with a smile.

Shortly afterwards she left and I spent the rest of the evening thinking about Amber, the changes in the relationship, and what I wanted to happen now. I didn't get much sleep that night but did come to a decision. I was going to be proactive at dinner Saturday night instead of just sitting back and letting things roll over me.

Saturday morning after getting enough coffee to jump start my day, I continued thinking about my situation. Why didn't I or couldn't I imagine or think about a relationship with Amber much past school. I had never thought about marriage or what we were going to do after graduation.

Sometimes you worry and chew at a problem and come up with nothing and sometimes when you're not thinking about it, the answer slips out of the back of your mind and hits you in the face. I was editing a paper for an English Lit class when the answer to the Amber question hit me right between the eyes.

I finally realized why I didn't see a future with Amber. It had been right in front of me all the time, but I hadn't seen it. The reason Amber didn't figure in my future plans, the reason I couldn't completely commit to her was very simple. I was in love with Bobbie. Shock, denial, and finally acceptance all ran through my mind. I loved Bobbie and had for years but our buddy status had covered it up. Oh shit, now what?

I picked Amber up from her dorm that evening and we went to a little steak house just off campus. It was one of our favorite places because it was a Mom and Pop place and not a national chain. We talked about our week and other things without really getting too personal; it wasn't a conversation that you would expect from two people who were past the early dating stage. I waited until the after dinner drinks before getting down to important matters.

"Okay Amber, enough is enough. What's going on? Why have you been avoiding me?"

"I don't know what you mean J.T. Nothing is going on, I've just been very busy," she said. It was the answer I expected.

"Bullshit girl. We used to be together almost every day but since summer break I'm lucky to see you twice a week. So what changed?" As advised I was going to get my head out and take back control of my life.

Amber started twice to say something before she could tell me what she wanted to. She told me she had spent time with an old boyfriend over the summer and had been talking more seriously to him since she came back to school. She said her parents gave her a letter from him and that he had been talking to her dad and had asked for permission to marry her. Amber said that she was confused and wasn't sure of her feelings for me anymore.

"You must have spent some serious time with him, I mean with him going the marriage route. Why play all the games? You could have been honest with me." I was upset, not that she wasn't sure about us but that she hadn't been up front and told me the way she felt.

"I'm not sure about my feelings for Rick either and I didn't want to lose you if I figured out that it was you I wanted," she said.

Now she's acting like a blond bimbo I thought. Well I was going to solve her problem and answer her questions.

"I'm sort of glad to hear that. I know it sounds strange for me to say that but I've had the same feelings toward you. So let's finish our drinks and part as friends and I wish you the best of luck with Rick."

"That's not what I want, I......"

"But that's what I want. It's funny, the fact that I'm more upset about your games than about losing you proves to me that I don't see a future for us. And even if I did, I wouldn't sit around waiting for you to make up your mind. So it's all good. Come on, I'll drive you home." That ended my questions and problems concerning Amber. Now what was I going to do about Bobbie?

I called Bobbie the next day and told her that Amber and I were history. She said she would bring the burgers if I got the beer and we would have a freedom party that afternoon. Just before she hung up she said that I could repay the favor by listening and helping her with a problem. Good I thought: a good meal, several beers, we'd get mellow and I could tell her how I felt about her.

About 4:30 Bobbie showed up with burgers and fries from Steak n Shake, our favorite. After two burgers and about three beers I thought it was time to talk to Bobbie about my feelings for her. Before I could get started she began to talk.

"I need your help J.T. There's this guy back home that's been coming to see me when I'm home and calling me here at school. He's a nice guy and I want to start spending more time with him," Bobbie said with a little hesitation.

"So who is this guy and what's the problem?" I asked after a few seconds. Maybe it's not too late, I thought; maybe if I tell her how I feel about her she would forget about this other guy. I was just about to confess to Bobbie when she shot down my plan.

"It's your brother Ethan. I mean, I've known your family forever and they treat me like one of their own and I don't want things to get too weird, you know? I've had a bit of a crush on Ethan for a long time but it's only been in the last year that he's paid any attention to me. What should I do?"

Love me, forget about him I screamed in my mind but I couldn't say anything; she seemed so giddy that Ethan was paying attention to her. Telling her that I loved her would put an enormous amount of pressure on her. It was a no win situation; if she felt the same way about me she would feel bad about Ethan and if she didn't, she would feel sorry for me and be upset that she hurt me. Like I said a no win situation and above all I wanted her to be happy.

Added to this screwed up mess was the fact that I loved my brother. When our mother died he made it a point to be closer to me, protecting me and helping me get through the grief; he was feeling the same loss that I did but he took care of me. As melodramatic as it sounds the phrases "brotherly love" and being "my brother's keeper" rebounded around in my head. After what seemed to me to be several minutes but in reality was only a few seconds, I answered Bobbie' question.

"If it was anyone else you would just go out with him. The fact that it's someone you've known since you were little should make it even easier. Dad and Mary Kate love you like family and that won't change so you and Ethan shouldn't be a problem. Go for it kid," I told her as I felt a sinking, empty feeling in my stomach.

"Thanks J.T., now let's get down to some serious partying," she said with a big grin.

The next morning I had trouble staying awake in my classes; Senor Jose Cuervo won the last encounter and Mr. Jack Daniels won this one; we had discovered a hidden bottle of Jack Daniels. I have to stop challenging those guys, I thought as I took more aspirin. The aspirin helped ease the headache but did nothing to ease the pain of knowing I had lost Bobbie. I ran into Bobbie in my third class of the day and she suggested that we get a little hair of the dog that evening. I begged off, telling her I was meeting with a study group.

I know Bobbie had been there for me when I was confused about Amber and other times too but I couldn't stand thinking about how I had lost her. The last thing I wanted to do was sit around and listen to her talk about her feelings for Ethan.

For the rest of the semester I only saw Bobbie about as much as I had while going with Amber. She would try to talk to me after class or call me and I made excuses most of the time so I wouldn't have be alone with her. I told her that I was concentrating on getting my GPA as high as possible so I could get a position teaching with one of the better schools after graduation. I don't think she believed me but she never questioned me.

I did get my degree in Education and a teaching certificate but decided that I liked working outside with my hands so I planned to continue to work construction. I thought I could always fall back on my degree if I got too tired or too beat up.

After the graduation ceremony all the graduates were running around saying goodbyes and joining their families. Dad, Ethan, and Mary Kate had come to my graduation but Bobbie' parents weren't able to come; something about an aunt that needed help. We planned on her visiting with us for a few days until her parents returned home.

I went to find Bobbie and make arrangements for that evening's celebration and at first I couldn't find her. Someone said they saw her heading for my dad's RV and as I came around the side of the RV there was Ethan kissing Bobbie. This wasn't a kiss between two friends saying hello, this wasn't a congratulations you made it kiss; this was a kiss that you give someone you cared for. I guess her problems over dating Ethan had been solved.

If I had said something to Bobbie sooner, that might have been me kissing her. It's said that hind sight is 20/20 and thinking back over the last two or three years I could see what I should have done. Knowing what I should have done didn't give me much comfort though.

My whole family, including Bobbie went to dinner that night to celebrate the graduation. Bobbie and Ethan sat together and pretty much ignored the rest of us. Before the evening ended I told everyone about my decision to continue working construction.

"I'm sorry Dad, I know you spent a lot so I could get an education. But it wasn't wasted, my degree gives me a fall back option if I get tired or want out of construction," I explained to him. I felt that I had let him down.

"Education is never a waste J.T. Did you learn anything?"

I nodded.

"Did you learn to control that wild rebellious nature of yours?"

I nodded again.

"Then we're both ahead of the game. I'm proud of you son," Dad said. "I'll put out some feelers with some people I know to help you find a job."

"Actually Dad, I thought about going to the west coast to work. My friend Rick, who I shared some classes with, is an architect and works for a big home builder in San Diego. He told me that they are always looking for workers and invited me to come out and give it a try."

My decision to go west hadn't been made until I saw Ethan and Bobbie together at dinner. I couldn't stay around and watch them; it hurt too much. San Diego seemed like a good place to go to "escape" their happiness with each other and my depression. I didn't know if Rick could get me a job or not; I just needed to get away.

Up to that point our discussion had been between my dad and me but when the others heard that I was moving to San Diego, they all voiced objections to my leaving. For the first time that evening Bobbie and Ethan were paying attention to what was going on at our table. I defended my decision by saying I needed to prove that I could make it on my own. Dad finally told everyone to leave me alone.

It was a good thing that I didn't have another run in with Mr. Jack Daniels because it was early the next morning that our caravan started for home. Dad, Ethan, and Bobbie were in the RV and Mary Kate rode with me in my truck. It was about six hours home and we stopped about half way to have breakfast.

Mary Kate and I had talked for most of the first part of the drive catching up on things back home, the business, and the ranch. Back on the road after the break we were quiet for about an hour when she broke the silence.

"So are you going to say anything before you leave or are you just going to run away?" Mary Kate asked as she looked hard at me.

"Say anything about what? I was puzzled at her question.

"Are you going to tell Bobbie that you love her?"

"What gave you that idea? You're crazy, I ...."

"Maybe you can fool everybody else, but I know you better than you know yourself," she interrupted me. "You can't hide how you feel from me. You've been in love with her for a long time; you were just too dense to realize it."