Helpline

DATE: Sunday 15 November

TIME: 08:47

ADVISOR: Hello, you're through to Simon, and how can I help you this morning?

CALLER: Hi Simon, I'm Lucy.

ADVISOR: Hi Lucy, how are you today?

CALLER: I'm, ah, fine but we've got a problem with our broadband and we wondered if you could help?

ADVISOR: Yeah, sure, Lucy, let's see what we can do. What seems to be the problem?

CALLER: Well it looks like our broadband is going really slow and we can't do anything with it.

ADVISOR: Okay. Well I'm going to need a bit more detail on that. What were you accessing, what were you trying to do?

CALLER: Well we were looking at a movie and it's frozen.

ADVISOR: Uh huh, uh huh. What was the site, is it one of those streaming movie sites like...

CALLER: Yeah, yeah.

ADVISOR: Subscription?

CALLER: Well, ah, no.

ADVISOR: Well as I say I'm going to need a bit more detail if I'm going to help you.

CALLER: Right.

ADVISOR: As much detail as you can.

CALLER: Okay. Mmmmm yeah. Well you know Redtube?

ADVISOR: Uhhh...

CALLER: Porn site, I think you know it don't you? Me and my boyfriend were going through it 'cos, well, it's Sunday and we're feeling fucking horny to be honest. My boyfriend Jamie he loves girls with big tits and gangbangs and seeing big fucking wads of come shooting over them. You know? And to be honest they get me a bit damp between the legs too, especially the big black cocks.

ADVISOR: Umm, I don't think...

CALLER: You said you wanted detail. Don't you like me saying this?

ADVISOR: Well it's er, it's not that but...

CALLER: You like it, don't you? Course you do. I bet you love fucking girls with big tits. I bet you're getting hard right now. Aren't you?

ADVISOR: Err...

CALLER: Come on Simon, you can tell me.

ADVISOR: Er, look, er, Lucy, I have to tell you these calls are recorded.

CALLER: Yeah but no one listens to them unless there's a complaint, do they? I'm not complaining Simon. Hey stop it. Sorry, that was John, he's getting horny listening to me.

ADVISOR (clears throat)

CALLER: He's... ohhh... he's just starting to kiss my tits. We're in bed Simon, I've got a shirt on 'cos we were about to get up but he's, mmmm, he's undone it and he's... oh fuck... he's sucking on my tits. You greedy boy. Ohh. (pause.) You still there Simon?

ADVISOR: Yes oh yes.

CALLER: Where were we?

ADVISOR: The, ah, the broadband?

CALLER: Oh yeah. John loves Gianna Michaels. You know her? Porn star, huge tits, she always looks like she's fucking loving it, everything you can give her. Four black cocks ramming her, big full loads all over her... (murmur murmur) Oh yeah, John says there's one he fucking loves, Gianna's in this car with a young guy and they're getting it on and suddenly they're out of the car and fucking naked right by the road with cars going by and honking and... oh, John's getting harrrrrd now. Are you harrrrd, Simon?

ADVISOR: ...

CALLER (soft): Are you hard Simon? Are you fucking hard listening to me?

ADVISOR: ... Yes.

CALLER: Can anyone see you? Is there anyone else there?

ADVISOR: Yes. Not many but...

CALLER: No one is close? They can't hear you?

ADVISOR: No, I don't think so.

CALLER: Tell me what you're feeling.

ADVISOR: I... I shouldn't...

CALLER: Simon, I'm lying here frigging myself and John's got a raging hard on (murmur murmur)... and he says he wants to fuck me so hard I scream down the phone. Is that what you want?

ADVISOR: ... Fuck yes.

CALLER: Can you touch yourself? Just gently so they can't see?

ADVISOR: Jesus I want to.

CALLER: Can you?

ADVISOR: ... I'm doing it.

CALLER: Ohhhh yes, good boy. I'm... I'm on my side now, John's, mmmm, he's behind me, stroking my big titties and his hot hard cock is right against my arse cheeks. Jesus. Tell me what you're doing.

ADVISOR (soft): I've... I've unzipped myself. My... my cock is so hard now. I can't just barely touch it, it's so fucking tight in my trousers but I've got to look... (gasps) got to look normal. Like a normal phone call.

CALLER: Ohhhhh shitttt... John's inside me now and he's... he's... he's fucking me Simon, his cock is thick and hot and he's... fuckkkkkk...

ADVISOR: Jesus... I can hear him slamming into you, he must be so hard for you, I can't help it I've got to touch my... oh God I can't they'll see...

CALLER: Let them LET THEM FUCKKKKK!! Ohhhh, Simon, you've got to jerk yourself off right there, you gotta shoot your cum all over the office, you got to show them what a horny fucking guy you are!!

ADVISOR: No I can't you know I can't... fuck I wish I was there I'd ram my cock in your mouth, I'd spunk all over you...

CALLER: SHITTTT!!

(Silence. Gasps.)

ADVISOR: Fuck. Lucy?

CALLER: ... Yeah?

ADVISOR: I've come all over my pants Lucy. Fuck what if they find out?

CALLER: Does it matter?

ADVISOR: No, fuck it.

CALLER: Who in the centre do you want to fuck, Simon?

ADVISOR: Lucy. She's fucking gorgeous.

CALLER: Fuck her tonight, Simon. Show her how fucking horny you are. Fuck her raw, Simon.

ADVISOR: I will. Thank you, Lucy.

CALLER: Mmm, no problem Simon.

ADVISOR: ... Oh, what about the broadband?

CALLER: Who fucking cares about broadband?

ADVISOR: Yeah. Bye.

CALLER: Bye.