Her Secret

Six inches. Not four, not eight, and certainly not ten. No, six inches is all I had, and at thirty-one, that's all I'd ever have. I always thought it was enough but guess my ex-wife Susan didn't. I'm not sure what she wanted, but I guess it wasn't me anymore. Be careful what you wish for is now my motto.

My five foot ten inch and a hundred and eighty pound frame had been replace with a six foot three, two hundred and fifteen pound one. The only problem was that my replacement wasn't quite as nice as I was. Do you know what it's like to be beaten and abused by a man that big? Well Susan does now, and just maybe she's having a little bit of buyers remorse. Too bad, because she's the last person in the world I'd ever feel sorry for. She does however not look quite as stunning as she once did. Black eyes tend to take away from facial beauty.

I take another sip of my drink and look at my watch. Eleven twenty-two. Eighteen minutes since the last time I looked. The living room is almost pitch black with the drapes drawn. I like the darkness. I can lose myself in it and nothing can hurt me there. That is, nothing except a wife with secrets.

I'd been divorced from Susan for three years when I met Beth. She was nothing like Susan. At five foot one and a hundred and two pounds, she was six inches shorter, forty pounds lighter and attracted to me from the get go.

To most people I lie about how we first met. I made up this romantic story about how we bumped into one another shopping for Valentine gifts for our significant others at the time. How we had coffee at Starbucks and never left each other's side after that night.

In truth, it was a blind date set up by my sister.

"You've got to get out there and meet other woman," she chastised me. "You want to be alone for the rest of your life?" I didn't, but wasn't the most trusting person when it came to members of the opposite sex. Too often the women I'd met lied, and I wasn't in the mood to be hurt by another one quite yet. So, I was kind of picky with whom I went out with.

Beth worked with my sister Vicki. They worked at American Insurance Corp. Where my sister worked in inside sales. Beth was the personal assistant to the head of marketing, a woman of forty who would eat her own young if she could find someone dumb enough to breed with her. After meeting her only once, I didn't think there was a man alive that would take on that task. No sane man anyway.

Beth just appeared one day at a casual BBQ get together at Vicki and Dave's house. She was cute, petite, and had a huge smile plastered on her face when my sister got around to introducing us. We were pushed together all night long by it seems everyone there.

"Do you get the feeling we've been set up?" she asked, after we'd been strategically placed next to one another for dinner.

"What was your first clue? The blood test we took when we walked in, or when we were then hand cuffed to one another so we wouldn't get lost?"

"How about the priest with the prayer book that's been giving us the eye all night?" Beth said with a bit of a muffled laugh.

"Though, it was a nice touch when Dave slipped me the two Caribbean cruise tickets and told me to have a nice time on the honeymoon."

"You're kidding me right? I mean he didn't really do that did he?" Beth asked.

"No, but he did mention that he and Vicki had a wonderful time on their honeymoon cruise and that they wouldn't mind going on another."

"Sister or not, they are not going on our honeymoon cruise. I'm not sharing my honeymoon with anyone but my husband." She stopped talking and blushed a bit. "That is when I finally get married." The night was starting to get interesting.

They did good. Beth and I were a match made in heaven, at least for the first six years. And yes, we did spend our honeymoon on a ship in the middle of the ocean. We left our cabin a total of eight times, one was required; muster they called it, and the other seven times were to dance in one of the four night clubs on board after dinner. My bride liked to kick up her heels. Thank God she would slow down after an hour or so when I cried uncle because I wanted to make sure I had enough energy left for what was to come later that night. Now there were doubts.

With a boy and a girl, we decided to stop at two kids. I'd like to say life was perfect, but what marriage really is. We had disagreements but they weren't huge ones, most about the trivial things of every day life. The lovemaking didn't suddenly stop one night and we even talked about our retirement years in the distant future.

I noticed a change just before our seven-year anniversary. I'd like to say it was the seven-year itch, but it wasn't. We still did it three times a week and had little if any money problems. We talked and I even went so far as to ask her if there was anything wrong. Like every other story on this site she told me there wasn't. But there was. Going on forty-one I wasn't a naïve kid and unhappily been around the block before. A man can tell there's something wrong if he only opens up his damn eyes. Problem was, I didn't know what.

I didn't follow her around in an unmarked or rental car. I didn't hire a private detective, or even bug our house or phone. I just watched the woman I though I knew as well as I knew myself.

At eleven-forty five I heard the garage door open and then close. I heard Beth walk into the kitchen and then towards the living room where I was still sitting, my drink now gone.

"You're home late from the club tonight," I said, watching her jump about a foot and then turn on the overhead light. "I thought you and Cathy were only going to stop for a drink or two?"

"You scared the hell out of me Steve, what are you still doing up?"

"Waiting for you," was all I said.

"Well, come to bed, it's late," she said waiting for me to get up before turning off the light.

After that it was your typical night. We got undressed. I didn't notice any tell tale marks on her body and I did look, as she brushed and flossed.

"You want to fool around tonight or is it too late?" she asked.

"Tomorrows' Saturday so we have the whole weekend to do that. I'm tired, how about just cuddling tonight?"

Well, there is a first time for everything isn't there. That was me refusing a love making session. And it didn't go unnoticed.

"You getting old on me?" she asked.

"No, just a lot on my mind; but if you want to that badly, I'm pretty sure I can get it up for you."

"No, you're right. It's late and a little cuddling is just what the doctor ordered. We cuddled, but neither one of us slept for the next two or so hours. I listened to her breathe and even felt her eyelashes on my face as she opened and closed them. She knew that I knew that there was a problem but wasn't saying anything.

We didn't fool around either Saturday or Sunday. Everything just seemed off. She didn't push it and neither did I. We did a lot with the kids, but when we were alone, there was this veil of something between us. I think Beth wanted to say something a couple of times but after opening her mouth she'd close it and look away.

Guys know. For me it was something in her eyes. The only questions I had was who and why. Truthfully I really didn't want to know, but in actually I needed to know. My only problem was I was afraid to ask her.

Work sucked for the next two weeks but not as bad as my home life. Our three times a week went down to maybe one, and it was a shitty one at that. I think a guy can handle almost anything in a marriage except cheating. It eats at you as you end up questioning your masculinity; I know I was.

"You mind if I go to the club Friday after work?" Beth asked Wednesday night after dinner while we were cleaning up.

"You going to be out half the night again?"

"Steve, I was home before twelve last time. Even when I was in high school I stayed out later. You act as though you don't trust me."

That question my friends didn't hang out there long.

"I don't, and if you want to go, I'll go with you Friday."

She stopped loading the dishwasher and faced me. She at first looked like she was about to laugh it off and then realized I wasn't kidding.

"You're serious aren't you. You're saying you don't trust me? What do you think I'm going to do? Pick up some young hunk, take him outside and ball his eyes out?" The loving looks were now gone.

"Maybe. It's just that I'll feel better if I'm with you."

"Steve, you don't dance! You hate to dance and I love to, that's why I go with my girl friends, so you don't have to."

Beth, just think of me as your designated drive and let it go at that." But, there was no way in hell she was going to do that.

"So, let me get this straight. You don't trust me to go out alone with my girl friends because you think I'm cheating on you? Am I getting this right?" I nodded my head. "So, that means you think my girl friends are tramps also?" I was about to say something cute like if the shoe fits, but Beth didn't give me the chance. "Well fuck you, you piece of shit!"

With that, Beth headed for our bedroom. I heard the door slam all the down in the kitchen. I wonder if she locked the door?

I got the kids ready for bed, read them both a story and did our normal rough housing before finally saying goodnight. I walked across the hall and stood in front of our bedroom door.

If the doors locked, that's strike two. I tried the knob. It didn't turn. I slept in the den on the couch.

It was a quiet breakfast. The kids went on and on but Beth and I said nothing to one another. With my mug of coffee in my hand I looked at her one last time and walked out. At this point I wasn't sure if I'd be back.

I did nothing at work for eight hours. I sat at my desk and stared at the picture on my screen saver. It was a picture of Beth and I at Sandals in Mexico the year before we had our first. We looked so happy back then. I wonder what happened?

I ate dinner out, by myself and hated it. The food was good; it was the loneliness I hated. Was this what it was going to be like? I was already starting to feel sorry for myself and I hadn't even done anything yet.

"Are you coming home tonight?" the text asked.

"Not sure, still looking at my options."

"If you're not home by ten, I'm setting the alarm!"

Love you too, I thought.

I spent the night at a hotel and snuck back into my house the next morning after I knew everyone would be gone. I packed a small garment bag and took all my personal essentials. I wasn't sure when, or if I was coming back.

I talked to my kids after school on Thursday but not Beth. Friday I got a text just before three. "We need to talk. You coming home tonight?"

"I thought you were going out with your girl friends tonight?" I never got a reply.

"Hi guys," I said when I called about eight o'clock Friday. "What are you doing?"

"Dad, when are you coming home? We miss you."

"I'll be home as soon as I can, just be good for your mother; you hear me?"

"We are, but she get's angry when you're not here."

"Is she there? I'd like to talk to her."

"Aunt Kathy is here, mom went out. You want to talk to her?" I thought for a minute. "Sure, put her on. Love you guys!"

"Steve, is that you?" Kathy asked.

"Looks like Beth went out, too bad, I wanted to talk to her."

"She told me to tell you that she'd be home before her curfew, whatever that means. You want to leave her a message?"

"No. Just tell her I called." I wasn't going to play her game.

We had two nightclubs in town so it didn't take a rocket scientist to find her. What really pissed me off, was that she was at the second one. I'd wasted ten bucks on the first one just to confirm she wasn't there. The club was packed, the music loud, and I really didn't have a clue why I was even there. I grabbed a beer from the bar and went looking.

I found her and her three friends on the dance floor. The guys they were dancing with had to be ten years younger. I watched for the better part of an hour and a half. Beth never left the dance floor even when they played a slow dance. There was a lot of roaming hands but at least she wasn't dry humping them on the dance floor. I could tell she'd had more than enough to drink but wasn't falling down drunk.

When the waitress walked by, I grabbed her and ordered Beth her usual poison of choice. "Tell the lady she make a good cougar." I tipped her twenty bucks and left.

I was halfway to my hotel when I got the text. "Not man enough to dance with me?"

"Looks like the college boys had your dance card pretty filled up. Hope you use a condom."

"Fuck you" was her quick reply.

"We haven't done that in quite a while; well I haven't anyway." I turned my phone off.

Monday I spent another unproductive day at work and my boss finally said something.

"Steve, if you don't plan on working today, go home! I'm not paying you to look at your screen saver."

"Sorry, having a bit of a problem at home," I replied.

"Well then, fix it at home and work while your here, or you be spending more time at home than you'll probably like." I got the drift. He was right though; I couldn't solve it here at work or through ugly text messages.

At five-thirty I walked into my house, Beth wasn't home yet. I brought my bags upstairs and was putting everything away when I felt eyes on my back.

"Yes I'm back and no, I won't be leaving again." When I turned around she was gone. Finally I dumped my dirty clothes in the hamper and went downstairs to beard the lioness in her kitchen.

Beth was sure making a lot of noise as she banged pots and pans before starting to set the table. Me? I grabbed a glass of wine and sat at the kitchen table and watched her.

"You could at least help me," she said, turning to face me.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Well, you can get off your ass and make sure the kids are washed up and finish setting the table for me."

"Well, since you asked so nicely, how can I refuse?"

I got the kids washed up, finished setting the table and even pulled out the condiments from the refrigerator. We had Mexican tonight with fried peppers and onions. The kids updated me on what I'd missed and the rest of the time Beth and I exchanged glances.

It was a long quiet night. We never so much as exchanged a word but I knew after the kids were down for the night we would be; and I was right.

"Listen to me very carefully you moron," Beth started to say, when I stood up and was walking towards the stair when she asked me where in the hell I was going.

"Away from you! When you can talk to me in a respectful manner I'll listen, but not before." This time, I was the one to lock the door and no matter how much she pounded on it, I wasn't about to open it.

Where she slept I'm not sure, but Beth was not in a good mood when I walked into the kitchen showered, shaved and looking pretty damn cheerful.

"How is everyone on this beautiful morning?" My kids responded with full mouths and I kissed each on top of the head. Beth just watched, shooting daggers at me with her eyes. "If you want to try again to talk tonight, I'll be available sweetheart," I said. She never replied. Looks like it's going to be another cold day.

I was home a little late, a meeting ran over, and everyone was sitting around the table waiting for me. Thankfully I'd called and left word I'd be late. The lasagna was exquisitely done and with a good bottle of merlot it really was a nice dinner. I hoped the rest of the night went as well.

By eight-thirty the kids were in bed and I went looking for my wayward wife. I found her in the den.

"Getting your bed ready?' I said sarcastically.

"Very funny. If anyone should be sleeping in here, it should be you, not me."

"Well, I'm sleeping in my bed upstairs with or without you." She didn't respond. "You want to talk tonight or just let everything fester a bit longer?"

"I don't know what there is to talk about. You think I cheated and I know I didn't." Beth was standing there with her arms crossed.

"Okay, why don't I start," I said, moving over to the bar and fixing myself a drink. "How long have you been bored with our life or specifically me?" I at down in the chair behind my desk and just stared at her. She said nothing. "Okay, let me put it another way. How long have you been looking for more excitement outside our marriage? Still she said nothing but now looked a little more unsure of herself. "Well, like before, this is another waste of my time. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to Rick and get the paperwork started." Rick was my lawyer friend. I got up to leave.

"Six to seven months," she said as I hit the door. "I've been bored with my life for the last six months! Is that what you want to hear?"

It wasn't. I stopped and leaned up against the door jam. "Continue."

"There's not much to say. One day I woke up and I was a mother tied down with two kids and nothing was going to change for the next fifteen years or until the kids left for college. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death, but I'm going to be in my mid-fifties before we're carefree again. I guess I just got depressed."

I thought back to what had changed during that period of time. That's when the girls nights out started.

"Well, I'm in the same boat as you and you don't see me complaining and looking for a little strange stuff on the side."

"Steve, your not the type of guy that would. And besides, and don't take this wrong, but you like our life just as it is." She was right about that.

"So, where do we stand? You want out? Because, there is no way on this earth I'm going to let you go out and have an affair just so you won't feel frumpy and old. Not going to happen."

"Steve, I'm not looking to have an affair, just a night out once a month to let my hair down and prove to myself I'm still attractive to others."

"Like what I saw you doing the other night?"

"Exactly. I had a few drinks, danced my legs off, flirted with a lot of cute guys and came home to you untouched."

"Technically you weren't untouched, and I wasn't here when you came home. And, how about if you drink a little too much and you let one of your sexy young dance partners have what is rightfully mine? "

"That won't happen, that's why we go in a group. This way, each one of us watches out for the other so nothing can happen. Steve, it's not like we're out there trolling for guys for Christ's sakes."

"But, by your own admission you are doing exactly that. I asked to drive you guys Friday and you turned me down and now I know why."

"Steve, I love only you and want to stay married to you always."

"You mean you want to be stuck with a boring guy for all of eternity? If I was in your shoes I sure as hell wouldn't want to be."

"How about this. I have Rick draw up the papers, hold on to them and not file them with the court. Then you can go out on your girls night out and if something happens, I can have him file the papers."

"But if you're not with me, how will you know if I step over the line?"

"Oh, that'll be easy. I'm going to hire a private detective to film you on your nights out and send me the tape. If I don't like what I see, I'll have Rick file and we can battle it out in court. But, remember, we both signed pre-nups and if one of us cheats the other loses custody and about everything else." I was burned once, this time I went in with my eyes wide open.

"Steve, don't you trust your own wife?"

"NO! Don't you remember asking me that exact same question two weeks ago and what I told you? No, I didn't trust you then, and I sure as hell don't trust you now." This was not something we agreed to disagree on.

"So, it's your way or the highway?"

"No, it's respecting your partner and not doing anything that would jeopardies our marriage. I think it had something to do with the vows we took about seven years ago. You remember those don't you?"