Her Sophie's Choice

Out of the corner of her eye she saw the clock.

8 minutes.

"GODDAMN YOU BILL. WHY DON'T YOU WAKE UP AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO? GODDAMN YOU TO HELL!" Sarah's lament fell on deaf ears.

She stood and looked down at the two men knowing that she had to do something. But what? No matter what she did she would be forever haunted, knowing that her actions caused one man to die. But on the other hand one man would live. The man who lived would be alive to love her and take care of her for the rest of their lives. She wouldn't be alone with her decision. The man she loved would be beside her forever. At least that's what she hoped. But which one? The first man she ever loved or the last man.

7 minutes. The clock seemed to be mocking her.

Sarah knew she had to do something. Doing nothing was condemning both men to death. She had to choose. She had to make that Sophie's Choice type of decision. Decide which one lives and which one dies. The image from the movie flashed in her mind. She saw the German doctor pull Sophie's daughter out of her arms to her certain death as Sophie held tightly onto her son. She saw the agony on Sophie's face as she fell to the ground wailing. She saw the awful gulf in her heart as she had to decide which of her children lived and which died. The movie and the book both had a major impact on Sarah when she was in college, so much so that she couldn't sleep for days afterwards, constantly praying that she would never be in the same situation. But now she was. As she stood looking at the two men, two men she loved more than life itself, two men she couldn't give up, but two men that depended upon her for life, she felt the awful pain in Sophie's soul as she made her choice.

6 minutes.

Sarah looked down at Malcolm. His beautiful face beamed up at her reminding her of all the times she kissed his wonderful lips. Memories of his broad strong chest, his enormous arms, and his wonderful strong legs filled her. She could see his naked body in her mind as clearly as if it were lying beneath her. The passion they felt as they made love swelled inside her heart. The warmth as they held each other and talked filled her. The love that followed them into every room they were in. She loved how he made her feel. But it all felt like a dying ember. Her choice would either rekindle the flame or watch it die out. Their love was strong and deep. She loved the man with the massive chest more than life itself. How could she let him go?

5 minutes.

Panic started to swell in Sarah's heart. She had five minutes. Five minutes to decide which man was going to live and which was going to die. Five minutes to decide. Sarah screamed. "NO! I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T DECIDE. I NEED MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES. I CAN'T DECIDE WHICH ONE TO SAVE." She had five minutes to do whatever was necessary to counteract the poison that the voice told her about. She had five minutes to do something. But still she hadn't made her choice. She still hadn't decided what to do. Bill dies and Malcolm lives or Malcolm dies and Bill lives. Whatever she decided would certainly destroy her.

She walked to the white box at the end of the room and opened it. Inside was a large hypodermic needle with a piece of paper underneath. She took them out and read the paper.

"Push the needle all the way into the upper arm and slowly depress the plunger. It will take a while for them to wake up."

Standing there looking at the needle was frightening. She held life in her hands for one of the men she loved. Dropping the instruction sheet on the floor she took the needle back to the two unconscious men. Looking down at the clock made her heart jump.

4 minutes.

The tears started again. Sarah fell to her knees and sobbed into her hands. "GOD, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? IT WASN'T MY FAULT. I CAN'T HELP IT IF I LOVE THEM BOTH. THEY BOTH GIVE ME LIFE. I CAN'T GIVE ONE UP. GOD, PLEASE HELP ME." Her head fell to her chest and she became silent. Still the tears flowed.

3 minutes.

"Amen." Her silent prayer finished she stood and looked down at her lovers. She cradled the needle in her hands and took a deep breath. She made her choice. One man will live and the other will die.

2 minutes.

Turning to one man Sarah bent over and kissed his lips. "Goodbye my love." Then turning to the other man she looked down and smiled. After removing the plastic cap covering the needle she bent down and shoved it hard into his upper arm. Then slowly she depressed the plunger until all the liquid inside was gone. She threw the spent syringe across the room and fell to her knees sobbing over the love that will live.

1 minute.

Sarah wept.

The choice had been made, the deed done.

"God forgive me," she said through her tears.

********

23 years later.

Sarah walked up the hill from her car passing gravestones of people she didn't know, strangers she never met. The walk gave her time to change her mind and go home, but she didn't, she kept walking until she came to the place she was all too familiar with. She sat on the reflection bench under the tree across from the gravestone she came to visit and folded her hands in her lap. After saying a silent prayer she leaned against the granite back and looked up at the sky. The tears started again. They always did when she visited his grave. And the pain, the ever present pain in her heart blazed to life again. And the memories of what she did flowed.

It was Sarah's birthday, she just turned 60. In her adult life she's lived three lives, as far as she can figure. The first was as a married working mother with two kids and a loving husband. That lasted 13 years. The second was in a hospital trying to find reality again. That one lasted 9. The third was as the old crazy woman down the street, as the neighborhood kids called her, alone with her garden and her cats. So far it's been 14 years. 14 years of loneliness and pain and 9 years of drug induced stupor. Every year on her birthday she traveled to the town where she lived her first life to visit the grave of the man she once loved. She'd asked for forgiveness on every visit and each time she left unfulfilled.

Sarah looked at the gravestone for the thousandth time.

Malcolm Edward Fitzgerald

Forever In Our Hearts

1971 - 2011

Today as she sat under the tree ruminating about the past a stranger approached. A severe looking woman in a business suit and high heels walked up the hill.

"Excuse me," she said politely. "Are you Sarah Longo?"

Sarah turned to look at the woman and pulled her sweater around her shoulders tighter as though it would offer her some protection.

"Yes, I'm Sarah."

The woman held out a large manila envelope and said, "I've been asked to deliver this to you on your birthday. Happy Birthday Sarah," she said with a smile.

Sarah took the envelope and watched as the overdressed woman walked back down the hill. She hesitantly opened it and pulled out two typewritten pages. It was a letter from Bill. She read.

Sarah,

If you're reading this letter that means I'm dead. I really don't mind dying I just wish it wasn't so soon. There are a lot of things I still wanted to do. But I've lived a good full life, except for a few potholes here and there. I've seen my three wonderful children grow to maturity and have families of their own. I've traveled and got to know a lot of extraordinary people. I've loved and made love. Our son took over my practice a few years ago and Terri and I retired to a ranch in New Mexico. We've been raising llamas ever since.

You never met Terri. I think you would have liked her. We married five years after our divorce. In a lot of ways she reminds me of you, except that she's always been faithful. She healed my pain and made life worth living again. She's a wonderful mother to our three children -- Jeff and Jessica and her daughter Amy from a previous relationship. I've loved her since the day we met. She knows everything about you and me and what we did and has encouraged me to tell you the truth about what happened. I've always hesitated to see you again because I didn't know how I would feel but with my demise close at hand I figured I'd take the coward's way out and write you this little note.

The reason I'm writing this letter it to finally close the door on our lives and to tell you some things that you never knew about the day you made your choice. The biggest unanswered question about what happened to us has always been who did this? Who drugged me and you and your lover and forced you into choosing between us? Nobody could figure it out. The police were baffled too. Sarah, the answer is simple, I did. That's right, I set everything up and paid someone to make it all happen. The purpose was to see if you would choose me. At the time I thought I was strong enough to forgive you for your cheating ways but afterwards found out I wasn't. I almost stopped the whole charade a couple times but I couldn't, I had to know. Would you choose me or your lover? I got my answer. You chose me to live and him to die. But after it was all over I couldn't come to grips with everything you did. The night you told me you loved him as much as you loved me you drove a stake through my heart. That's why I divorced you. I loved you but you loved someone else. I couldn't handle that so I walked away. I took the kids and moved away leaving you free to go back to him.

The fact that the whole thing was a ruse was my way of forcing you to decide without actually doing anybody any harm. The poison never existed, we were just knocked out. You actually injected saline into my arm, that's all. I've replayed the video a number of times to watch your face when we both woke up. Your expression of surprise was amazing. And watching your lover try to come to terms with your decision to let him die was equally amazing. All the while I played the part of the distraught husband and watched you two crumble before my eyes. Let me tell you I didn't enjoy seeing your pain, but I knew it would give us a chance afterwards. I was wrong about that.

The live or die dilemma you were compelled to endure forced you to do what you couldn't do, choose. And even though I benefited from it, we were never the same. Our month together afterwards was absolute hell for me. Just knowing that your lover was still walking around out there reminded me every day that I was just number two in your life. It didn't matter how many times you told me that you had ended it with him, I knew he was still in your heart. I left you knowing you would be happier with him than with me. I died the day I left. How was I to know that one of his father's business associates would find him and blow his head off? I heard that you had been living with him for only a few days when it happened and that you witnessed everything. It must have been horrible for you. I swear I didn't have anything to do with it. I only heard about it after the divorce was final. By then you were already institutionalized.

Yes I know all about your time in the mental hospital. Your mother and I talked every so often up until she died. I even helped her pay some of your bills, your mother guilted me into believing that your breakdown was partly my fault. She was always good at playing the guilt card. The kids didn't know what happened between us until I told them when they got out of college. I understand they've been visiting you off and on. That's good.

So Sarah, in the end you lost everything; the two men you loved, your family, and your sanity. Not quite the life you imagined was it? And me, I met a wonderful woman who helped resurrect me from the nightmare you created, only to now watch me die for real.

I'm not asking for your forgiveness for what I did. You made your choice to be with him while still married to me and in my way of thinking you caused everything that changed all of our lives so drastically. But what I could never figure out is why you chose to save me and let him die. I never understood the reasoning behind your choice and now I never will. By telling you all this I feel I have finally closed my door to our lives together. I hope telling you what I did gives you some closure too.

Bill

Sarah's eyes rose from the letter to once again look upon Malcolm's grave. A glint of light off of a headstone just past Malcolm's caught her attention and as her eyes focused on it she saw the epitaph carved deep in the granite.

'You are free to choose, but you are not free

from the consequences of your choice.'