Hidden Feelings

First story, be kind, leave feedback, and know that if you like the story I will be posting more. If not, well, not so many will be uploaded.

Enjoy, Hidden Feelings.

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Where do I begin? My life's changed so much that I hardly recognize myself sometimes. So much has transpired in such a short frame of time that I wonder how I survive.

2 years it has been. And despite all that's happened I wouldn't change a thing. Not one iota of my life has been easy, but I still would not change a thing, for all my bitching, someone stood by me for those two years. Someone I can now happily call the love of my life. They gave me advice where I had no idea, they comforted me when I was down, hell, they stopped short of adopting me as their sister. That's why it was so difficult for her. That's right. Her....

Wednesday. The 15th. I remember it so vividly because three things happened in quick succession: My house caught fire, my mom was involved in a car accident and my boyfriend dumped me.

Jaded about the fire, I floated through the day going nowhere in particular, not paying attention to my work or much else for that matter.

I was about to walk into a small Bookshop, for no reason in particular, when Rebecca came up behind me and tapped me on my shoulder. I turned, half expecting to see someone offering me something I dropped from my purse. Yeah, I'm a klutz like that, imagine my surprise when I saw 'Rebecca?'

'Hey Alex, what's up?' she asked, seeing my jaded look and I shook my head 'Grab a seat, maybe some popcorn, because here is the soap opera that is my life' I said and she smiled reassuringly as I told her about the fire in my two bedroom house just on the outskirts of town. She listened intently, eyes never leaving mine. God those eyes, the most startling shade of blue/violet I've ever seen.

'Oh my gosh Allie, I'm so sorry' she said and brushed her hand on my arm gently. I nodded, unaware that her hand lingered longer than it usually did 'Well, that's life, seems it doesn't like me though'

Rebecca smiled 'well it's only because you're gonna kick its ass one day'. I couldn't suppress a chuckle. 'Only as revenge for this' I said and she smirked.'What's the state of the house?' she asked, and I sighed.

'I've lost half my house in the fire, and the insurance companies said they can only reimburse the fire damage and not the contents that were lost'

She smiled again and nodded, then her eyes lit up for a second. 'Do you need a place to stay while they re-build your house?' she asked and I thought for a second, I had hoped to ask someone as it wouldn't be for long, maybe a month or two, so I nodded, albeit sheepishly 'Yeah, just until I can get on my feet, and I can pay rent if you want' I offered but she shook her head almost immediately.

'Nonsense, you're my friend and I'm sure I can manage, my apartment's too big for one person anyway' she said and I smiled 'Thanks Rebecca, I don't know who I would've asked' I admitted and she plastered on that thunderbolt smile again that lit up my day 'Could've asked me' she said and winked and I blushed 'Well, I didn't want to impose'

She sighed 'As I said the place is too big, I mean, it echoes when I speak on the phone for Christ's sake' she said with a coy grin and I laughed again. She glanced at her watch. 'Shoot I have to go, come around tonight to have a look, you know where I live' I nodded as she walked away, and I felt my eyes casually wander down the soft tresses of her auburn hair.

I shook my head. There was a time I thought, well, hoped really.....But, no, those days were gone. I hope.

Not much else happened that day, at least not yet, but I found myself smiling as I usually did when I ran into Rebecca. I wondered what she was doing on this side of town, she worked across the town at a small publishing agency, and she lived even further away than that. I dismissed it as my over-thinking things again, I have a tendency to do that I guess.

Looking idly at my watch, I noticed it was nearly 7pm. The sun began to set over the ocean and I smiled. If I hurried, I could catch the sunset at Rebecca's place. I downed the last of my soy latté very quickly (yes I'm a Soy chugger, what are you gonna do?), and decided to go around to Rebecca's place to have a look around, and when I saw the apartment complex I gasped. I had seen it multiple times before and it provoked the same reaction as always.

It was just so huge, and it was right on the coast, providing a stunning view of the Atlantic Ocean, and when the sun sets, it has the best view in Southern Florida.

I shook my head as I got into the pristine elevator up to the twelfth floor; a floor that offered some of the best views of the woodland surrounding the town and the mountains to the West, as well as the ocean sunsets to the East.

I stepped out of the elevator and knocked on the door and when it was opened, I nearly gasped again. Rebecca was wearing her hair in a ponytail, an errand strand of hair cascaded down her face and she wore a tight blouse over a white tee shirt, both were spattered with paint. The sunset in the background melded with her hair and cast a shadow on her face, although she looked like she was about to tell me to rack off, she looked stunningly beautiful.

She held a paintbrush in her teeth, and when she saw it was me she took it out and pulled me into a hug, her eyes lighting up instantly. 'Hey you, come to see where you'll be living?' she asked and I nodded, unwillingly breaking the warm embrace. It was the closest thing to human interaction I had had since the Insurance Company called me on my cell.

I stepped into her apartment and let out a low whistle when I saw the place; a large, open plan kitchen blended into the living area, leading to large glass doors that opened onto a balcony. She walked past me, brushing herself unnecessarily against me and stepping towards the large doors that led to the balcony. I noticed painting supplies and an easel had been set up, but I couldn't make out the painting yet.

'Make yourself at home roomie' she said with another one of her famous smiles, forcing me to smile back. 'You caught me just as I was painting' She said as she stepped out onto the balcony and brushed her paintbrush across the canvas.

I followed her and leant on the door, letting out another low gasp as I saw her capture the likeness of the sun on her canvas perfectly, then the ocean perfectly still and reflecting the dying glow of the sun.

In a few brushstrokes she captured the very essence of her apartment complex and the people on the beach, it was as if she was in a helicopter and viewing the scene from a distance as she painted a balcony.

I stood there until the sun had gone down and she opened her eyes that I hadn't realized she was shutting, and let out a sigh as a smile parted her lips and she looked at me.

'That's how I paint' she said, and handed me the canvas.

'Still wet' she warned and I gazed in awe at the painting, the people milling about on the beach, some flying kites, some sitting on blankets, the apartment complex and the faint figure standing there with the flowing auburn hair, the setting sun with its orange glow and crimson fire, she had included a few stars as the reds faded to blues and the darkness of night at the edge of the canvas.

I stared at the painting for a while. It was absolutely stunning. I looked back to Rebecca who was standing in the kitchen and turning on the stove.

I walked into the living room and smiled, and she smiled back. 'Like the painting?' she asked and I scoffed 'Saying I only like the painting is like saying you're not my friend'

'Oh, has someone been telling you we're friends? Because they were lying' she said coyly as she shoved a few vegetables in a casserole dish with some chicken and salad before she threw it in the oven.

I hit her arm gently and she chuckled. 'Need any help?' I asked but she shook her head as I walked over. 'No I'm fine'

'If I'm gonna be living here and not paying rent then you have to let me help somehow' I said and she raised an eyebrow, looking at me. Something clouded her perfect blue eyes for a fraction of a second before she smiled. 'You don't have to do anything. Honestly. Call this a celebration of you moving in' she said as she turned the oven on and got a bottle of wine out of the fridge.

'If you want to help then pour two glasses of that' she said, handing me the wine and turning around to grab two glasses. I couldn't help but admire her hips as she gracefully walked towards the cupboard and got out the wine glasses.

I shook my head as she turned back towards me and handed me the glasses. I was about to pour when my cell phone rang incessantly in my bag. I sighed and grabbed it, flipping it open. She flashed me a smile and I couldn't help but smile back for the time being.

'Yes?' I asked, and what I heard next chilled me to the bone. My face fell, the color drained away, and I felt myself go numb.

I dropped the phone onto the floor.

'Alex? Honey, what's wrong?' I heard Rebecca ask, and I looked at her, my mouth opening and closing like a drowning fish.

'My mom' I said, tearing up already. 'She's dead'

The trip to the hospital was hell. It was worse than hell. Imagine your life crumbling around you while your sight is blurred by grief, speeding towards what you knew would be the last time you saw someone you loved, someone you had depended on for twenty five years to be there when you were hurt.

That pain is one I do not wish upon my worst enemy, nor myself. It's a pain that few people will experience so young.

As Rebecca stopped the car, I gazed at the large ominous building and the large red letters that spelt out 'HOSPITAL'

Rebecca held my hand and I smiled emotionlessly as she held me. 'You don't have to-' she began but I shook my head. 'Yes I do' I resolved 'She was there for me all my life, now I have to be there at the end of hers'

She nodded and I got out of the car, she held my hand as we walked into the Hospital. Waiting for me, was my Boyfriend Alex. He got up and hugged me, forcing Rebecca to release my hand. I noticed the look of loss on her face as that happened, but it was only there for a fraction of a second, then it disappeared.

I was cold and emotionless the whole time, through the talks with the doctors and the police, even through identifying her in the morgue. From what I did hear, my mother was coming to see how I was doing before she was hit by a drunk driver, she was killed on impact.

I refused to let the tears come as the police finally let me alone and left the room. My boyfriend sighed, finally bringing me back to reality. He walked out, leaving me and Rebecca alone. She held my hand again and I looked in her eyes. There was so much compassion there that I nearly did cry.

'I'll go talk to him' she said and got up. I instantly felt the loss intensify as she left the room and her hand left mine as inevitable distance separated us.

I heard muffled voices through the door of the doctor's office, then they rose to such that I heard every word.

'....It's like she doesn't even care...'

'...She does care, she's dealing with a crisis here, that and her house burning down it's a wonder she isn't broken down completely!'

'But, it's her mother for Christ's sake!'

'Yes, someone who actually cared for her. Someone who was there for her when she needed it. Someone who was coming to check on her when she found out her house and her possessions were burnt to the ground. Where were you, huh?!'

Silence followed and Rebecca layed into him some more. She was on a roll now and woudn't be stopped unless someone shoved a rag in her mouth.

'I can hazard a guess' she screamed, 'and it involves drinking and bedding the first bimbo you met!!'

I heard a slap, and rushed to the door, seeing my boyfriend standing over Rebecca with his hand raised in a fist, ready to deliver a second blow. As soon as he saw me he dropped his fist and gave Rebecca a glaring glance before he pointed at her 'You do not disrespect me' he said and walked away. I guessed that was the end of us. I rushed to Rebecca's side and she got up and went to run after him, absolute hatred and maliciousness in her eyes. I couldn't help but notice how sexy she looked standing there like a demon.

'Stop' I admonished, and she looked at me 'He's not worth it' I said and she gave me an adoring smile. 'I guess I won't be seeing him again' I said as I gazed down the corridor. She placed a hand on my arm and tentatively stroked it through my t-shirt.

I returned her smile, and hugged her close; finally letting the events of the day hit me. As the first tear came down my cheek, she cradled my head on her shoulder and we both stood in the corridor. Weeping on her shoulder, as she stroked my hair, gave me time to think. Only one thing had been consistent in my life thus far; Rebecca. She was there when I told her about my dad leaving, when I came home crying about my first date she came over to comfort me, and when I struggled with grades in College, she was there to help me get through it. She whispered soothing words into my ear as I buried my head in her neck and inhaled the scent of her perfume. It smelled like Chocolate being cooked, and her hair bore the faint smell of Coconut.

As I finally stopped crying, I still stood there letting her hold me, reveling in the contact and the closeness this offered. When she let me go I thought my heart would break again as it had so many times today. I think it was then I realized, I was in love with my best friend.

'Shall we go home?' she asked, shattering my thoughts. The love in her eyes was clear. She didn't try to hide it anymore. I guess she figured out that if I didn't know how she felt right now then I never would.

I nodded and she led me out the door by the hand, towards the car.

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The drive home was in silence as well, less than two hours after we got to the hospital. As we got in I sighed and flopped on the couch, flinging my purse over to the chair.

She laughed and sat down beside me with a glass of wine. 'Here' she said 'to take the edge off' I accepted and drank deeply of the wine and she watched me, eyes wide.

As I finally pulled the wine glass away I looked at her. 'What?' I asked and she shook her head. 'Nothing, just never figured you for a Lush that's all'

I opened my mouth, feigning indignance and she tried to sip her wine without laughing. 'May I remind you that I deserve this, the amount of shit that's happened to me today' I said and she snickered, nearly spilling her wine. She looked at me still smiling. 'The answers are not at the bottom of a wine glass you know. Trust me' she said, raising an eyebrow perceptively and laying a friendly hand on my knee.

The slight contact was unexpected, the comment even more so.

'What would ever make you try to drink yourself into a stupor?' I asked and she sighed. The smile faded. I could tell there was some hidden memories, hidden feelings that were there, and she was reluctant to let them go.

'I don't know, how about the fact that my parents dis-owned me last year, the fact that I'm 38 and alone, or the fact that I'm in love with my best friend and she's completely oblivious to it' she said, staring me in the eye. So much was there to process. Some of it I think, deep down, I already knew, just lamented to accept it.

I blinked, and she waited. There was an entire five minutes of unbearable silence. Her best friend she said, well, she had called me that many times, but, Love? That's a strong word. Does that mean she was gay? And her parents dis-owning her, was that because she was gay? How could I not know this? 38?! She did not look 38 for God's sake!

I sat there and she smiled humourlessly at me as she downed the last of my wine. 'If you want to leave then you can, I won't keep you if you need to think'

'No' I said quickly, maybe too quickly. 'I'm fine, it's just, your best friend?' I asked and she nodded 'Yes' I nodded as well. 'You called me your best friend a few times' I stated and she looked down, but still nodded.

My eyes widened and I clasped a hand over my mouth. I already knew this though, so why was it such a shock? Well, when I had seen the Love in her eyes at the Hospital, I could deny that.

The feelings I felt when I was around her, I could supress. Hearing it from her own mouth, well, those things became harder to deny.

She must have mistook my look for one of disgust as tears began to form in her eyes and she turned away, heading towards her bedroom. I couldn't follow. Hey, my mom died, my house burnt down, my Boyfriend of two years just left me, all but calling me heartless, and here was this woman telling me she loved me. This beautiful, sexy woman who could have had anyone she wanted in the world, but chose me.

All of that requires some serious self-analysis, okay? So get off my back about not immnediately realizing what my heart was practically screaming.

Okay, so, the facts;

Fact One: I am not gay. I never have even been curious, but this woman made me feel things I hadn't felt in a long time. There was a soaring in my heart every time she touched me, the love in her eyes at the Hospital had made my heart fly over the moon and come crashing back down when she let me go.

Fact Two: I have nowhere to live, and this place is the only place withing 3000 something miles I can stay at. My Uncle's place is in Canada, but that wasn't really practical.

Fact Three: my best friend was, IS, in Love with me. And the more I try to deny it, the more I realize, I love her too.

It was well past two when I finished unwravelling the tapestry of my feelings. I was still holding the empty wine glass in my hand with such a grip I'm surprised it didn't shatter. My acute hearing picked up faint sniffing and sobbing coming from the next room. My heart nearly shattered when I thought of her crying.

I got up, set the wine glass on the table and went to her door, I was about to knock when the door opened and she nearly crashed into me. God, she looked so, so, SO, sexy and cute standing there with her hair in dis-array, the night-gown she was wearing crumbled and clearly too big. Her eyes, though bloodshot, still had the same iredescent quality about them.

She looked me up and down and closed her door. 'What?' she asked, wiping away her eyes.

'Today, when you greeted me in the street, why weren't you on the other side of town?' I asked and she looked down. 'I was there to make sure you were okay. I had to see you' she admitted and I smiled, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. She leant into the simple touch, but her eyes still looked hurt.

Well, before you judge me on what I did next, just know that there was the woman I loved standing there in a barely decent night gown looking crestfallen. There was nothing I would've liked more than to kiss away the hurt I had caused.

So I did.

When our lips sealed, God it was heaven. Cliché I know, but oh they were so soft, so pliant, and they tasted of strawberries.

She was shocked, too shocked to move, so I took advantage of her momentary paralysis, snaking my hands into her hair and running my tongue over her lips. I had become the agressor. And even though I didn't have the faintest idea how to go about this, I was willing to try.

I ran my hands through her fiery red tresses and scraped my nails over her scalp, she moaned into the kiss and opened her mouth. My tongue shot into the opening and danced with her own, sliding over each other in the most sensual way. When I withdrew, she followed, but all of a sudden remembered where she was.

'Wait' she said, breaking the kiss and pushing me away. 'Why?' she asked and I kissed her again, pinning her against her door. 'Because' I whispered into her ear, making her shudder. My hands snaked down to her wrists and grabbed them, pulling them up beside her head so she couldn't push me away again.