His Kitten Again 04

I couldn't keep myself from knocking. It sounded like a terrible dream, and for some reason, I felt indescribably guilty. I hadn't been gentle enough with her, I thought. I must be pushing her too hard. She really, really needed to talk to a therapist. Hell, I probably needed to talk to a therapist.

I went into the bedroom once she said that I could, and sat at the foot of the bed. "Emma.." I started. I said the same rant every morning about how she needed to get some help.

"I know, I know. You want me to go to a therapist. I just don't see the point, Alex. I'm doing fine, really." She paused for a moment. I didn't really believe that she was okay, but I didn't want to make her think that I was doubting her ability to heal on her own, so I stayed quiet.

"In fact, I was thinking I should probably get a job so I can get my own place and stop being such a burden on you." She continued. I was floored. She wanted to leave? I was definitely pushing her too much. I'd been trying to control my urges, not overstep my bounds with her, just be friends, everything. And now she wanted to leave.

Well, I for sure wasn't going to make her feel more uncomfortable, and beg her to stay. But if I was being honest with myself, I really didn't want her to go. I loved having her around. She brightened each of my days, even if I did have to control my urges around her. "You know you don't need to do that. You can just stay here."

A few seconds too late, I patted the bed, as if telling her that she could stay right there. It was stupid, but I felt like I needed to do something. I just wasn't sure what she would be okay with at this point, and so far all I'd succeeded in doing was scaring her off and making her feel like she needed to go get her own place so she didn't have to constantly be around me.

She shrugged, and I knew that I'd made her more uncomfortable than she'd been before. Damn it, Alex, why can't you learn to just keep your mouth shut. I was cursing myself out in my head when she shyly told me that she needed to get dressed.

I felt a little bit flustered for a second, caught off guard. It was stupid of me, but I hadn't even realized that she was still in her fairly revealing pajamas. I probably should have offered to take her to the store to get her some different ones, so that she would have been more comfortable. We were sharing the same bed, which she'd insisted on, but the least I could have done was to try and make it as easy and un-traumatizing as possible.

"Okay, well, once you're all ready for life, I've got breakfast waiting for us downstairs. So hurry up, because I'm starved!" I plastered a smile on my face, and said it with a teasing lilt. I wanted her to feel like she was welcome, like there was no pressure on her.

I then retreated out of the room, embarrassment coloring my cheeks. "Oh, just go ahead and start without me!" I heard her call as I made my escape. I thought about how I'd waited for her to come down every morning, and wondered if she thought that was me pressuring her for something. I'd just start eating my breakfast alone this morning, if that put her at ease.

I sat down on the couch, my plate in my lap. This felt so wrong after having eaten together every morning for so long. I wanted to wait for her, but doing so would make her uncomfortable. So I lifted my first forkful of eggs into my mouth and chewed them robotically.

I couldn't believe the situation I'd gotten myself into.

The first couple of days that Emma had been here, I'd wanted to win her over. I thought if I could just woo her enough, she'd forget all about that bastard she'd been with before, and be mine again. I wanted her so badly, and I eagerly jumped on every opportunity to spend more intimate time with her. I had even arranged with my work to work from home so I could be here with her. I doubt Emma noticed that, though, as she'd never known anything different. All she knew is that from 10 to 6 every day except Saturday and Sunday, I was hidden away in my computer room, making calls and scheduling things.

After those first few days, I saw that the approach I was taking wasn't going to work out how I thought. My ego was damaged, and at first I huddled into the corner to lick my wounds. Then I realized that Emma was more important than my pride.

I did my very best to be friends with Emma, I really did, but god it was hard. I always worried that I was doing more damage than good when I stopped hugging and cuddling her. It probably confused her to high heaven, but I knew that this was better than pressuring her to do things that she just wasn't ready to do.

Apparently, along the way I'd screwed up massively. Being friends was still more than Emma could handle at this point. I decided that today, I would do my best to get her started on her own life away from me. Maybe if I did that, it would help her heal more.

That's all I really wanted for her, was for her to get better and feel better about herself. That's what she needed, and if there was any way that I could help her get to a point where she was comfortable being herself again, and doing things that she liked to do, then I would do it.

What Emma needed right now was to get established, and feel independent. I would do everything that I could to get her to that point. I was pretty well off, so I knew that I could lend or give her the money she needed to rent a small apartment and get a cheap car so that she could get to work. I also knew of a website where local job openings were posted. She was into medical things, and there was a hospital nearby that I had no doubt she could get on at if she wanted to.

Emma came down, and we ate and watched television, then I told her of my plan. She seemed surprised, which made me smile. I was glad that I could help her in this way. If she wanted to feel independent, then damn it, I was going to help her feel independent.

We logged onto the computer, and just as I'd suspected, there was an opening at the hospital. It wasn't a surprise to me that she wanted to go into midwifery. She loved the feeling of accomplishing things, and I knew that each baby she brought into this world would be another achievement for her. She was also incredibly caring, so I knew that she would care for each of the expectant mothers in an exceptional way.

She started working on her resume, and I stepped out of the room to let her work. I spent most of the time she was working on it calling places, trying to figure things out. In-between calls, I popped into the office again, checking on her and answering any of her questions. I knew the owner of a used car dealership, and he agreed to give me a phenomenal deal on a small, reliable car. The owner owed me a favor anyway.

I also called the landlord of the apartment building about a five minutes' walk from here, asking if there were any vacancies. He told me about a small, one bedroom one bathroom apartment that had opened up about six weeks ago that he really wanted to have occupied. He'd marked down the prices quite a bit because it had been open for longer than he wanted it to be, and he wanted to get it sold.

I didn't like that things were working out so perfectly. A car that was incredibly cheap but super reliable. A vacant apartment in a good part of the city, close to me but far enough away that she would feel independent, and for a killer deal. A job opening in the place that she wanted to work the very most, for a decent pay. I knew that she would have by far the best resume of any other applicant, and that they would hire her within two weeks.

It was all just perfect, wasn't it...

We went out to lunch to celebrate. It was this cute little café, and I knew that Emma would simply adore it. She did, of course, smiling at the sweet décor and the peaceful atmosphere.

It was incredible going out to eat with her. Everything felt so normal, and I didn't feel like I needed to constantly stress about upsetting her, or making sure she was at ease. We were just two people going out for lunch to celebrate her first submitted resume in a new place.

The whole lunch, I couldn't keep the fact that I was going to be losing her from my mind. Yes, I wanted her to go out and experience life, and heal in the way that was best for her. But I was also intensely selfish, and I wanted to keep her with me. It was a struggle, trying to be happy for her, and yet knowing that I had to let her go when I didn't want to.

After lunch, we went back to our place. Our place. I laughed to myself even as I thought it. I guess it wasn't really our place, and it certainly wouldn't be in a few weeks when she moved. We were actually going back to 'our place' so that she could pack her bags and get things in order.

As she packed, I told her about everything that I'd found while she'd been compiling her resume. "There's a great deal on a small, used car over at the car lot a few miles from here. We could go tonight and get it, if you'd like to. I also called the landlord of the apartments just a few minutes from here, and there's a vacancy. The apartment is small, but it's a killer deal. I'd pay your rent for a few months, of course, so you could get on your feet. The landlord said that you could move in pretty much whenever you wanted to, and that he'd be more than happy to help you move in."

"Alex, what's the point of me moving out if you're still going to do everything for me?" Emma asked, turning towards me. She was kneeling on the ground, gently folding clothes and putting them into the small bag that she'd brought with her. Some of her brown hair had escaped the messy bun she'd pulled it up into, and cascaded around her face in an entirely appealing way.

She had a point, but I didn't want to admit that to her. I sighed, studying my shoes intently. "I guess it's just in my nature, Emma. I want to take care of you, I want to make sure you have everything you could possibly need and then some. I know you've been hurt so badly, and I'm trying my hardest to make up for what that bastard did to you. I want you to get better and move on with your life. I figured the easiest way to do that was to help you get settled and feeling independent as soon as possible. But I guess I'm not doing a very good job of that. I keep trying to do things for you, because it's what I'm used to doing. I'm sorry, Emma. I promise I'll back off and let you do things for yourself. I just... I really just want what's best for you. I want you to be happy."

I realized how lengthy my rant was becoming, and I quickly snapped my mouth shut, embarrassed with myself for sounding so sappy. Emma didn't need that right now.

I looked over at her when I heard movement. She'd stood up, and was coming towards me. I was a little bit nervous. I've said it before, and I'll say it again—my kitten has claws. I was worried that she was going to use them on me right then, and I wanted to run away as fast as I could.

Right before I was going to try and make my escape, Emma threw her arms around me, squeezing tightly. It took my breath away, and with my arms pinned to my sides, I couldn't even hug her back.

She was hugging me so tightly that I didn't know quite what to do. "Uh... Emma honey... my arms," I started, and she instantly sprang back. My arms hung limply at my side, and I made a show of teasingly shaking them out.

After I regained feeling in my arms, I reached them out to her, and she shyly walked into them. I wrapped her up tightly, more than a little surprised that she was willing to come hug me when she seemed so intent on being independent just a few moments earlier.

We hugged for a long time, and I was content to just hold her tight. She seemed perfectly happy being there in my arms, which helped me fight down any guilt about possibly making her uncomfortable.

We slowly drifted apart, and then ended up on the bed. I was laying back, and she had her head resting on my chest. We hadn't laid like this yet, and it was beyond comforting. My hands went of their own will to play with her long brown hair, stroking it back from her face gently.

"Thank you," she said suddenly.

"Hmm..?" I was drifting off into a peace induced coma, and it took me a few seconds to come back to the present. "For what?"

"I've never had anyone care about me as much as you do. I know I'm still fragile, and I know you're trying so hard to take care of me and do what's best for me, and I appreciate it so much. I can't imagine there being anyone else out there in the entire world who would take better care of me than you do. And Alex?" she stopped suddenly, biting her lower lip in the way she does whenever she's nervous or feeling shy.

"Yes?"

"I don--," she stopped for several long seconds, as if debating whether or not to say something. I don't know which side won out, but after a few moments of hesitation, she began again. "Thank you for helping me find my own place, and for arranging for me to get a car. I've loved staying here with you, god knows I have, but I think going out and being on my own is what's going to be best for me right now. I know it's going to be hard too, leaving you, but it's what's best for both of us."

I swallowed hard, trying to keep back the tears.

Why did I have to love her?

"I know it is. That's why I did it," I managed to force out in a pleasant tone. Emma and I laid like that for a while, and before too long, I looked down at her, realizing that she'd fallen asleep. Her face was so peaceful and beautiful, and I didn't want to disturb her.

Carefully, I shifted so that she was off of me, and was instead snuggled up to a pillow. Seeing her cuddle into it, taking a deep breath in and smiling to herself in her dreams made me smile.

I sat there for a few minutes, watching her sleep. She was so cute when she did. Her nose would twitch occasionally, and her eyes would flutter, then scrunch together tight, before relaxing. She would smile in her sleep too, and it made her face radiate joy in such a stunning way.

Watching her was intoxicating, and I almost convinced myself to stay there and pull her back onto me so that I could hold her all night.

But then I remembered what she'd said earlier, about how she needed to be independent and on her own. I let out a soft sigh, leaning down to give her a gentle peck on her forehead.

I then picked up a pillow, got the small blanket from my closet, and headed down the stairs.

Oh Emma... what am I going to do?