tagHumor & SatireHo Jolly Ho!

Ho Jolly Ho!


My name is Sam Nicholas, that's Santa Claus to you.

Yea, I know, I know. I am just a fantasy character, right? Well, I have been living in this little piece of crap hut perched up here on the North Pole for decades now, freezing my goddam balls off just to get presents out to your little snotnosed spoiled rotten brats, so believe in me or not.

I don't give a damn.

I want you all to know that I DO I just LOVE the holiday time of the year.

I can get away with about anything.

It wasn't so good back in the old days, sure I had all the Elves working for peanut wages down in the sweat shop. Even making them work 12-14 hours a day it was tough to make ends meet. Besides, I have to have everything brought in by dog sled, I can't even grow a fucking CARROT out there. It's work or try to bonk a goddam Polar bear with a stick, so work it is.

Costs me a goddam fortune.

Add in that it is always colder than all getout, life up here at the North Pole is just plain miserable!

So the high point of my year is the deliveries. I pile up all the toys and hook up the Reindeer and off we go, HOHOHO and all that shit.

Not like it's a hell of a lot of work, only the good ones get any fucking thing at all, so you know damn good and well the list ain't really that long.

I get to peek in windows, climb down chimneys, I get to see all sorts of things.

The women don't even freak out when I pop out going "HOHOHO!" catching them in various stages of undress.

Hell, I am fucking SANTA!

HeeHeeHee. They are so tickled to see me in my fuzzy red outfit, they think I am harmless.

Plus now I stuff a pillow inside my suit to keep my image up, after that run with the diet company that fat assed actress talked me into. Hell, I lost over 60 pounds, if you ever tasted that shit they call food you would know why.

But I gotta keep up the jolly image, so it's a pillow. Besides, that helps when your goddam snot nosed little piece of mayhem climbs on my lap, steps on my balls and kicks me in the belly.

God I hate kids.

Especially fat little kids.

With runny noses....

That ride bicycles...

GOD I hate bicycles!

Hang on, let me catch my breath here, I am getting all stressed out.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah...

There are a few bad things, I have to be careful about walking around on a roof, with all the Reindeer crap it gets slippery. I mean think about it! Bad enough there is snow and ice, then the Reindeer poop all over that, it gets slicker than a virgin on her wedding night.

More than once I have all but busted my ass.

Then those stupid people with the Chalets, dang roof so fucking steep, how the goddam hell am I supposed to walk on that?

Plus you assholes and your fucking heat pumps, what am I supposed to do, ring the goddamed doorbell?

Hey, I am fucking SANTA here, for god's sakes.

But it's great fun, I remember a few years ago I was peeking in the window at this little ranch house in Colorado. This gal was modeling some skimpy outfits for her hubby. She came out in one see through crotchless thing that dang near made me pop a button on my fuzzy red bottoms, let me tell you! Little holes for her nipples to poke through, she had what looked like a couple of shiny silver bars stuck in them. When she got down on her back and spread her legs I could see she had a little bar stuck in her snatch, too.

That one had a set of tits to die for, I was pressed up close, even had to wipe the window a couple of times to clear it from my breath frosting it up.

Just then a cop car goes by, two uniformed officers inside. They looked over at me, I just shouldered my sack and waved, going "HOHOHO!" and they drove on down the street.

Big fucking smiles on their faces.

It's great to be Santa!

I told you I liked this time of year.

Anyway, I just went up on the roof and climbed down the chimney, the gal was all happy to see me, she didn't even cover up. Hell, even her hubby didn't care, he was more interested in the playstation I handed him, and I set a package down on the coffee table for the gal.

Then as I was stuffing the fucking toy cars and dolls under the tree for their rugrats, I looked over as she bent down to unwrap the package.

Talk about a beaver shot! She was hanging out through that set of frilly crotchless thingies, her knees all bent.

I ended up 15 minutes late because of that one, some brat in New York didn't get his fucking Ipod but what the hell.

The report said the kid was a bit of a turd, anyway.

Things are better up here now. First they found all those oil reserves under the house. Some guys in suits showed up and offered me twice what the house and shop was worth.

That got me all suspicious, so I checked around. Easy to do, when I got to the company President's house I got him and his fat wife distracted with gifts and I searched the files in his office.

Sure enough, here was a map, my place.

Thieving bastards.

But once they knew that I knew, they offered me a PILE of cash to just sit on the future reserves, something about waiting until there was another shortage because of some pissed off Arabs before "finding" it.

Pretty sure it will happen, too. Seems the Democrats are in power now, here we go with the Jimmy Carter peanut farm shit again.

Fine with me.

Then I got that contract with China, no more of this hauling all the raw material shit up to the shop. Those Chinese just make the crap, everything from toasters to shirts, jewlery, everything.

Ten cents on the fucking dollar, suddenly I am into big bucks!

That sped things up too, so I cut back the Elves to 10 hours a day and gave them all a 50 cents an hour raise!

They were sure happy.

I actually used to deliver to China, until one day I came out of one of their cardboard and mud huts after dropping off some bags of rice (Hell, that's the only thing any of them ever asked for) and two of my Reindeer were gone!

Fucking bastards ATE Donner and Blitzen, talk about piss me off!

So I bought me a couple of new Reindeer, too.

That red nosed one was starting to get a little uppity, anyway. My new one with the blue on one side and the red on the other put him in his place.

No fucking shortage of glowing Reindeer ever since the Russians did that Chernobyl thing.

Besides, I had to, fucking government regulations, goddam Air Force and their fucking F16's buzzing my ass all the time.

Just try and land a loaded sleigh at night in fucking Seattle with just one red light.

I can hardly wait to make it to Detroit this year. There is this gal named Crystal, she is kinky. I have watched her every year for ages now, she likes to lay around the house nude.

I brought her a nice chinese made dildo, the thing is a full foot long! Of course she was delighted, it had the neat vibrating knob and little ribs on the sides.

She made me a nice hot Bailey's and Coffee and I sat on her couch while she demonstrated using it. I was on my 3rd one of those Bailey's, leaning forward in my seat and drooling down my white beard as she shoved that thing in. Her big old lips wrapped around it and pulled in and out. She got so hot when she hit the button her tits even dribbled a little, what a sight!

I love my job.

I was a bit tipsy by the time I got back up to my sleigh, we headed off for Ohio and ended up in Alabama.

Oh, well, close e-fucking-nough.

I figured what the fuck, I just started handing out packages. By the time I got sorted out and back straight I had a bunch of bawling kids, I guess Bobby didn't like the kiddie makeup kit and Sara in Virginia seemed to think the NASCAR racing photos set and football was not what she wanted.

Well, just fuck'em, fuck'em all.

I get to have some fun, too! Bad enough I have to go to Los Angeles and everyone I try to talk to is yammering away in Spanish? Now I have to learn Spanish?

When I order breakfast, they ask me if I want flour or corn? I want fucking HASH BROWNS, but there ain't any potatoes down there. Fucking waitresses look at me like I am some kind of goddam foreigner.


Speak English or no fucking presents, by God.

Of course there IS Juanita, talk about hoochie coochie! She likes to come out and dance for me, then do a slow strip tease. By the time she gets down to that fat set of bare brown titties and her furry Beaver I am up and ready.

Then I give her her present. She sucks it all the way down, I have no idea how she does that but her nose is stuffed right into the white hair at the base of my 6" weenie. It feels like my balls are coming out the end, let me tell you!

"Muchas gracias, Senorita!" I tell her, as I give her a nice fake Diamond ear ring set.

What the hell, she will never figure out we get those from China for 2 bucks, cubic Zirconium. Dumber that a fucking cucumber, that one, but damn can she suck dick!


I did have one problem last year. That was in Kansas, bunch of bluenoses in Kansas. I was pressed up against the window watching this guy hose his girlfriend. Christ, he had a dong a good foot long and she had her heels up in the air kicking away and squealing so loud she could be heard a block away.

Guess they had some new eager beaver kid on the local police force.

"Stick'em up, buddy!" I heard from behind me.

I looked around, here stands some 12 year old cop pointing a dang GUN at me!

"Hey, I am Santa!" I told him.

"Yea, sure, and I am the fucking President, put your hands behind your back."

Well, just shit!

"Look, asshole, you are going to make me late with my rounds." I told him.

That got me smacked on the back with a nightstick.

"HoHoHo?" I said.

He whopped me another one.

So I find myself sitting on a bench in a goddam jail cell with some rumsoaked asshole asking me if I was Santa.

Luckily the local Chief of police came in to get his spare bottle of Jack Daniels out of his desk drawer, the liquor stores being closed and all on Christmas Eve.

"Sam!" he says, looking in at me all bleary eyed.

"What the fuck you doing in here?"

"Your new cop busted me for something." I told him.

"Well, here I will let you out. Say, you don't happen to have that new 'Grand Theft Auto' video game, do you? My kids have got their heart set on it this year."

"Yeah, I got that." I told him, thinking of the chinese made copies that cost me $1.00 each.

"Great!" he said, getting the key.

Stupid bastard.

So back to my rounds, I knew if I hurried I could be back at the house by midnight.

Harriet would be waiting, she always is on Christmas eve.

Seems she knows the mood I come home in every year.

I would just stop by and drop off something for Tammy in Tacoma.

She always puts me in the mood, I was wondering what she would be wearing this year?

Not much, if everything goes normal.


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