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He looked up and his lips moved, although he said nothing; then he clamped them together and nodded.

Still shocked and scared, Luke lay down on the bed next to Ryden and remembered.

"Hey."

Luke turned his head and Ryden frowned. With some difficulty he raised his hand and touched the wetness on Luke's face. Luke captured his hand and turned his head to kiss it, then looked into his eyes.

"Ry... how do you feel?"

"Feel? I... I don't know... about what?"

"This...you...the things that... that people have to do to you... I guess you know."

Ryden winced. "Yeah... I know."

"Does it...? Do you...?"

"How do you think I feel? I hate it." He was half sitting against a mound of pillows, and he pulled away from Luke, trying to turn away.

"Don't. Don't turn away from me, babe. I need to know. I need to know how you feel."

"Why? What difference does it make? What difference does it make how I feel? I can't do a fucking thing about it."

"I need to know, Ry," Luke repeated softly.

"Okay. How do I feel? I feel like shit. I'm tired all the time. I HATE it when I fall asleep in the middle of something; when I wake up and see people I love crying, or... or hear them talking about me; about how it hurts them; about my future. I'm angry with myself because, no matter how hard I try— and whatever you think, I do—nothing changes. I can't do it. I just can't do it and... and I'm scared. I'm scared rigid about what's going to happen. I'm scared that nothing will change. I'm scared that I'll be like this forever and my friends won't come anymore and will forget me... and my family won't be able to cope. They want to send me away, to somewhere I'll be cared for by strangers and my Mam will come, but I don't know if I'll be awake when she does and... and... I'm scared Luke."

"Oh fuck, Ry. Oh fuck."

Luke felt like he'd been punched in the guts. For some reason he hadn't thought Ryden would be so aware of what was happening; of what might happen. Why had he thought that he'd just be drifting through life— sleeping, waking, while life went on around him. But it wasn't; it wasn't going on around him; he was going on with it. He hadn't really thought about how it was for Ryden; how it felt to be on the inside looking out. He felt like shit.

"I'm sorry, Ry; I'm so sorry. I've been such a twat. I've been thinking only about myself; how hard it is for me. I haven't even thought how hard it is for you."

Ryden didn't answer. He was clinging to Luke, sobbing desperately.

"Ry, it's okay. I swear it's going to be okay. I'm here and I will always be here. If you're only awake for five minutes then I'll spend 5 minutes telling you how much I love you; how much you mean to me. I'll spend five minutes holding you and kissing you and being close to you. I'll spend five minutes looking into your eyes and loving the fuck out of you. If you can manage ten minutes then I'll show you a good time and half an hour would buy you the best shag of your life. But five minutes... five minutes is enough. I can go on with five minutes a day.

"I'll never leave you, Ry, never. I won't let anyone lock you away or abandon you to strangers. I'll be there; every day I'll be there. There is nothing to be scared of because I'll look after you. I swear I will look after you." Ryden's lips moved to say something, but Luke shook his head and touched his lips, silencing him, while he went on, gazing intently into Ryden's eyes.

"I've been a kid; never grown up. We both have. We've been spoiled; had an easy ride, but I've grown up now. I'm going to get a job and a flat and you can move in with me. It'll take some time, but I'm going to see if I can get the job with the museum back. I think I can.They understand. Then, I need to save up some money for a deposit and stuff We'll- have to plan a move... but I'm sure that your Mam will look after you until then. You have nothing to be afraid of. And I don't ever want to see you cry again."

Slowly, slowly the sobbing calmed and eventually Ryden lay quiet in his arms. He thought he'd fallen asleep again.

"It hurts, Luke."

Luke pulled back, surprised, so he could look into his face.

"What hurts?"

"Everything. My back, my head, my... everything."

"You didn't say."

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'm trying... Trying not to... to... be..."

"Hey, if there's one thing you don't have to be it's a martyr. If you hurt you have to say. I don't know what we can do, but there's bound to be something. Start with one thing. What's hurting now? Just one thing that's hurting now."

"My back. It hurts all the time. It aches and..."

"Okay. \Turn over."

Luke eased Ryden onto his stomach, which wasn't easy and involved some casting away of pillows and manoeuvring of equipment, but eventually he was comfortable. Luke knelt, straddling him and started to massage the wasted muscles in his back and thighs.

"Oooh."

"Feel good?"

"Uh huh."

"So, in future, when you hurt what are you going to do?"

"Tell you."

"I can't promise a massage every time. I can't even promise I'll be able to help but I'll try."

"I know."

"I've missed this, Ry. I've missed this so much. You have such a beautiful body."

"Not anymore."

"Oh God yes, yes you do. Every inch of it is beautiful."

Luke leaned down and started to kiss every square inch of Ryden's body, he could reach, beginning at his shoulders and moving downwards.

"Oh, Luke." Ry sighed and his body started to shake, as he muffled tears in the pillow.

"Hey. No crying. No more crying. I'm here. I'm going to take care of you."

"I know."

Even after he knew Ryden was asleep, Luke carried on massaging him, for three reasons. First, he genuinely wanted to make a difference to Ryden; he wanted to make him feel better. Second,he knew now that, even though Ryden seemed to be asleep, he was still aware. And third, to be honest, he really enjoyed it.

Eventually, he lay down next to Ryden and stroked his back, feeling calm and closer to him than he ever had.

"Is everything alright?"

Helen startled him.

"I think so. I didn't realise... I didn't think about how it is for him. Do you know how scared he is?"

"In a way. What's he scared of?"

"He's scared that he won't get better and we'll give up on him and send him away."

"I would never..."

"It doesn't matter, because I made him a promise and I intend to keep it. I'm going back to work and I'm going to save up and, as soon as I can afford it I'm going to get us a place of our own. Somewhere I can care for him; be there for him. Where we can be on our own, can live whatever life he can."

"Luke, you know that I'd never..."

"Never's a long time Helen, and I WANT to do this. I really want it. I think he does too."

"I know that's what he'd want. It'll be hard for me to let him go, but I know you'll take care of him. It's going to take a lot of planning and hard work though. Are you sure you want that responsibility?"

"Yes. I'm sure."

She smiled and nodded. "So, what's all this about?"

"He's hurting. He said that he's hurting all the time. His back's bad and other things are sore and uncomfortable."

"Oh hell. Of course he must be hurting and I never thought... I'm so glad you came, Luke. We'll make it better for him."

"Yeah. I'm going to get some oils, so I can rub them into his back. I think it'll be nice for him."

"I think it'd be wonderful. I'll speak to the doctor and see if he can give him something to help with pain."

They smiled at each other, feeling true camaraderie.

Later, they sat together and ate dinner. Ryden was asleep and they were taking time to relax and get to know each other again.

"You've grown up, Luke. You were always a thoughtful boy, but I didn't realise how strong you are."

"I'm not strong. I'm just... I love him a lot. Are you... are you okay with that?"

"Of course I'm okay with it. I've always been okay with it. It was a shock. It came from nowhere and I suppose I was swept away by the strength of Robert's feelings about it. Looking back, I should have stood up to him and supported Ryden. I'll go to my grave regretting that, no matter what happens."

"I don't think Ry would want that."

"I know he wouldn't, but that's not the point."

"No. Helen... why is he like this? Has anyone... I mean have they said why he's... like this?"

"No. No one can give me any answers. Initially, he was in a coma because of the head injury but he came through that and everyone was expecting him to wake up. We thought he had. He opened his eyes, even spoke to us and we all thought he was on his way to waking, to coming back to us— but he never did. He just... never did." She paused, dabbing her eyes with a tissue from a box on the table. Luke realised there were boxes all over the place. Clearly, Helen had been doing a lot of crying. "But he didn't go back into a coma, either so no one knows what's going on. Gradually, he came to be awake for longer and longer but then... it stopped and... The only answer anyone can give is that it's psychological."

"What? It...it's in his head?"

"No, not exactly. They think maybe what happened when... when he had the accident... that something was so traumatic his mind won't accept it. Part of him wants to wake up and part won't let him."

"Fuck. I didn't... I didn't realise. So what...? Has he ever... ever talked about what happened?"

"No. He's touched on it, said how scared he was but..."

"Oh shit, this just keeps getting more and more fucked up. Oh... sorry."

"Don't worry. We've all cursed, plenty. It's a fucked up situation."

Once Luke got over the shock of Helen swearing he grinned at her.

The afternoon wore on slowly and Ryden didn't wake. Luke sat watching him, his mind in turmoil. Eventually Ryden stirred and sighed. "Luke?"

"I'm here."

"What you doing?"

"Watching you."

"Stalker."

"Yeah... you love it."

"I love you."

"How you doing?"

"Okay. Will you hold me?"

Luke got onto the bed, behind him and cuddled in close, pulling Ryden against him and wrapping his arms around him. Ryden sighed and snuggled his head into Luke's shoulder.

"I've missed you; missed this."

"I haven't. I haven't even remembered you half the time."

"Well... I'm not giving you the chance to forget me again."

"No. Did you mean it? What you said. Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?"

"About us getting a place together."

"Of course I meant it."

"You can't do it, Luke."

"What do you mean? Don't you want it?"

"Of course I want it but... I can't ask you to do that. You'd have to practically give up your life and..."

"You are my life."

"Luke, be reasonable, realistic."

"No Ryden. You be reasonable and listen to what I have to say. I love you. I want to be with you. You need me and I'm there for you. It's all very simple."

"It is for you."

"For you, too. You've enough to worry about; let me worry about this."

"I'm..."

"Ry, shut up." Luke could feel him smile. "Ry... there's something I wanted to ask you."

"Uhuh?"

"Do you remember the accident?" Ryden's body stiffened. Luke could feel his breathing quicken. "Ry?"

"Yeah."

"What do you remember?"

"Everything."

"What happened?"

"I...I don't want to..."

"Well you have to. I need to know. You owe me that."

"I..." There was a long pause during which Ryden barely breathed. Luke could practically feel the battle inside. Finally he let his breath out in a long sigh and his body relaxed. "There was an argument and I... I was coming to see you. I was angry and upset and... and I... It was dark and... raining and... and I... I fell."

"Did you?"

"What do you mean?"

There was tension in his voice that scared Luke. "Ry, was there someone there, when you fell?"

"I... no... I..."

"Ry, don't lie to me. If we're going to be together, there can't be anything like this between us. You have to trust me. You have to tell me."

"I...can't..."

"I think you can."

"No... no I... I'm tired, Luke."

Luke sat up and rolled Ryden onto his back. Ryden wouldn't look at him. "Oh no you don't. Not this time. You're not going to sleep this time, not until you tell me."

"There's nothing to tell."

"Look at me. Look at me, Ry. Look at me and tell me there was no one there and I'll believe you."

Ryden looked up at Luke, his wide blue eyes pleading, but Luke forced his face into a mask. "There was no one there." But he couldn't keep his eyes on Luke's. He turned his face away and Luke turned it back.

"Ry... There's something you have to understand. The doctors...They think that... that part of what's happening to you is because your mind's hiding from something that happened that night, something so traumatic it won't let you remember, won't let you wake up . You're not going to get better until you tell the truth. I'm not going to let it keep on hurt you like this. I'm going to make you tell me eventually and I know it's going to hurt but I'm here. I'll always be here."

Ryden swallowed and started to shake. Luke hugged him, but it didn't help this time. "Ry?" Ryden's eyes were squeezed shut, his hands in fists, bunched in the bedclothes. "Stop it, Ry. Relax; don't work yourself up like this. Whatever it is can't be that bad."

"I... can't..."

"Yes you can. I know you, Ry, and this isn't you. You're not like this; not a scared little boy. You're strong and brave and..."

"No, I'm not."

"Ry, you have to be."

Finally Ryden opened his eyes and met Luke's. He looked dazed and Luke knew he was struggling with more than just the question.

"Ry... you're not going to get past this unless you open up to me. No one can make you better babe, but you can make yourself better."

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes there was someone there."

"Who?"

Ryden shook his head, his eyes wandering away. Luke trapped his face between his hands and forced him to look at him. "Who was there, Ry?"

"He didn't push me."

"Who was there?"

Ryden's eyes fluttered and Luke could feel his body relaxing, but he forced his eyelids to rise over heavy, drugged eyes.

"I... was angry," he whispered. "It was raining and... I sat on the seat. I was wet and cold and I... I started to cry. He... I didn't...hear... him. He was... he... called me a cry baby, said he should have known I was... He said I'd always been more like a girl. He said... he said... and I just got more... and... and more mad. I... I couldn't..."

Luke closed his eyes tightly, knowing what was coming and not wanting to hear it. Ryden's voice slurred and Luke almost wanted him to sleep... to stop.

"I... couldn't... I had to... He was... he said... I... I snapped and I... I threw...myself... I hit him and... and he... he hit me... hit me back and I...we were...we... I... I... wet...and... cold... and... slipped... He... tried... he... grabbed but...but I... I... I..."

"Who was it?" Luke whispered. "Who was it?"

"Dad," Ryden whispered before his body jerked once and then went limp.

Luke was frozen, staring at him with horror in his eyes. Helen found them there, unmoved, sometime later.

"Luke? Is everything alright? Is he...? Luke?"

Luke raised dazed eyes and tried to speak but no words came. Helen panicked. "Luke... what is it? What's happened? Is Ryden alright?"

Luke nodded dumbly and Ryden stirred, whimpering. "Sshh, it's alright. You're safe; it's alright, you're safe." Ryden relaxed and murmured something unintelligible then slipped deeper, his breathing evening out and the rapid movements behind his eyelids ceasing.

"Luke... what happened? What do you mean 'safe'?"

"I can't tell you." Luke's heart was pounding and his mouth was dry. He had no idea what to do and he was desperate to tell someone, but didn't know who to tell and what would happen when he did. He was terrified that, if he said anything to Helen, it would unleash a whirlwind and he wasn't sure that's what Ryden would have wanted. Maybe the fact that he'd told someone would be enough. Maybe he'd start to heal now and one day would be able to tell for himself.

"What do you mean?"

"Helen, Ry... He... he told me something that shocked me but I... I don't know what to do with it. I have to talk to him again. I have to know what he wants to do before I do anything."

"Luke, if this is something that can help or hurt Ryden..."

"I know. I know; it's just... I'm sorry Helen, but I can't; not now, not yet"

"Luke..."

"Please don't."

Helen shook her head and dropped her eyes. Biting her lip she turned and walked from the room. Luke felt like shit.

"Ry... Wake up babe. Please wake up and tell me what you want me to do. I don't know what to do with this. Fuck, I don't know what to do. You have to tell me what to do."

Ryden looked so peaceful, Luke came close to hating him. How the hell could he drop a bombshell like that and just go to sleep and leave him to deal with it. He started to get angry, not only because he was left alone to deal with things but because of the way he was feeling about Ryden for doing it to him. Ryden didn't deserve this. He really didn't deserve it. That made him even angrier.

Carefully he laid Ryden down and tucked him in. Then he left the house.

After walking for a few hours, Luke found himself on the cliff path. He sat on the seat and stared out at the sea. It was a cold but clear day and he could see the islands clearly, and the large ships drifting across the horizon. He wasn't looking at the island or the ship or the horizon. He wasn't seeing a bright sunny day. His mind was seeing driving rain over a brooding, crashing sea. He was hearing angry shouts and spiteful words. There were shadows; ducking, dodging, struggling then then screams and someone running away.

He couldn't bear it. He couldn't bear it anymore. His heart died that night and it was going to take a lot to revive it. Someone thrust a knife between his ribs and then walked away. And wasn't fair that he should just walk away.

***

Helen looked up anxiously when she heard the door open: the look in her eyes made Luke wince.

"Is Ry okay?"

"He hasn't moved. Where have you been: I was worried?"

"I had to clear my head. I went to the cliff."

Helen went pale. She'd not been able to bring herself to go there since the accident and even the mention of the site made her feel sick.

"Luke I..."

"Please. I've been going crazy. I... I don't know what Ry would want me to do but... I can't... I just can't not tell you."

Helen nodded slowly and sat quietly, knowing that Luke was torn and nervous and not wanting him to feel pressured.

"Ry talked about... about the night it happened. I... you said that maybe... maybe that would... help and I... asked him about it."

"He's never talked about it to anyone."

"No... and I know why."

"There was someone there wasn't there... when he fell? There was someone there." She'd gone cold at Luke's words and couldn't help herself. Luke looked at her, his mouth too dry, his throat too constricted to speak. He nodded. "I knew it. I always knew it. He'd walked that path so many times."

"I know."

"Do you know what happened? Who it was?" Luke nodded, his eyes on the ground. "You have to tell me, Luke. You have to tell me."

"I don't... I don't..." He turned to look at Ryden. "I don't know what he wants. He hasn't told anyone."

"I don't think he could, darling. He's never had the focus, the... He's never been well enough."

"Don't think I'm performing miracles, Mrs Baker. I don't know if I'm making things better or worse. Yeah he talks to me: there are moments when it seems like... like he's here with me again; himself. But he isn't any better, not really. He still can't stay awake. He still isn't any better and I really don't know if..."

"We have to have faith, Luke. Without faith what is there? He's going to get better, Luke."