Home is Where The Heart Is

I tried to refuse, but Paula told me she would not take no for an answer, it was cold and I would have to take three buses to get home. She also winked and said she still had my money, and wouldn't give it to me until she dropped me off at home tonight. I lost any desire to continue to argue. A ride in a warm truck, a chance to see my aunt, and more time with a woman who was being nicer to me than anyone had in a long time. I agreed to go and with a big smile, that made my decision worth it even more, Paula left the room to go grab her coat.

Slipping my sweatshirt back on, I followed her into the Parlor and saw her go down the hallway to the closet. While she had the door open, blocking her view of me, I took a minute to look at the picture of her in the black dress. Upon close inspection, not only was my initial impression of her legs confirmed, but I couldn't help but notice that her chest was not exactly small. The dress wasn't too low cut, but I could see more than a little cleavage. I focused on her face, trying to guess how old the picture was, she looked pretty much as she did now, and I thought that she more than looked good for her age, she looked good period.

I turned quickly away from the picture when I heard her footsteps, coming towards me and saw she was again bundled up from head to toe. I found myself wondering if I was still seeing her come the warm weather, what she would dress like. As we left the house and got into her truck, I rolled my eyes at myself. This woman was being damn good to me, and I was wondering what her body looked like. Never mind the fact she had kids my age, and sure as hell would never think of me in that way. In my defense however, it had been months since I'd broken up with Tammy and Paula holding my hand was the first time a woman had touched me in any way since.

Paula dropped me off at the home where the best day I'd had in a long time continued. Aunt Marie called me by name as soon as I entered her room. Better than that, she even hugged me back when I hugged her. She seemed fairly lucid and asked about me and the house. I fought to keep a smile on my face as I told her that I was doing great in school, and was keeping the house in good shape for when she came home. Aunty asked how Tammy was and I said fine. I had to stifle a laugh when she shook her head and said "I have to tell you Jamie, I really am not fond of that girl, she's quite the phony."

Aunty stayed with me for another few minutes, long enough to break my heart by asking me if I knew when her kids were coming to take her home. I was almost relieved when she started fading out, looking at me as if I had just come in and asking me who the hell I was. I told her twice, then gave up and simply nodded as she started talking about people I'd never heard of before. After a few minutes of that, she fell asleep and I sat by the bedside holding her hand with my head down, crying in frustration at how wrong all this was.

Taking a few minutes to pull myself together, I went outside to see Paula sitting out front in her truck. I got in and she asked how my visit was. I told her the truth, that it was up and down, and she left it alone. We drove to Providence in silence. I felt bad, but seeing Aunty drained me, and the heat, which was a treat for me, was making me drowsy. When we were within a few blocks of my house, I told her to pull over and I would walk. Paula stubbornly insisted on taking me all the way to my door and a couple of minutes later we pulled up in front of the run down four story building with the tacky rooms by the week sign over the door, that I called home.

I thanked her for everything and as I started to get out, I felt her hand press into mine. Looking down I saw she was handing me a fifty. Before I could say anything she said she didn't have two twenties so I would just have to take that. I started to thank her again, but stopped in mid sentence when she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. She told me again what a great guy I was and how wonderful it was the way I cared about my aunt. Taking my hand, she told me to hang in there, things would get better.

Since then things had gotten a little better, but only because of Paula herself. I saw her just about every morning and it gave me something to look forward to. She had started coming by a couple minutes earlier so we could talk a little before she had to go. One day she said she felt bad because while I was talking to her I might be missing out on making some money. I told her not to worry, that I looked forward to seeing her. I was amazed at the smile she gave me, and as she looked down I swore she was blushing. Of course, she made it worth it anyway, always giving me a few dollars.

It had gotten to the point I tried not to take it from her. She asked why, and I told her that I felt like we were friends and I wouldn't take advantage of a friend. Paula had shaken her head and told me that I really was something. She pulled away and just as she did, dropped a five on the ground before driving away laughing before I could give it back to her. Over the last few days I found myself thinking of her more and more, especially at night. During the morning I just thought about seeing her and what we would talk about. At night however, my thoughts were becoming very different and weren't exactly the purist.

Lying there shivering on the cot, I would find my mind drifting in her direction. I always envisioned her in that black dress from the picture, her long hair down and a different kind of smile on her face. She would kiss me on the cheek as she had done that night she dropped me off, but in my thoughts her lips strayed to mine. I imagined we were in her bedroom and the kissing would lead to her pushing me onto her bed. Paula would start to slip the dress off and...

I jumped at the sound of a horn barely getting out of the way of a red Toyota turning the corner. I took a deep breath and stood on the curb for a minute until my heart slowed down. Carefully looking both ways, I crossed the street and shook my head at the fact I was thinking about her that way. I wasn't just thinking about her, I was talking about her as well. A couple of nights ago when I was washing dishes with Gino in the restaurant, I mentioned her several times. The last time I did he laughed at me. When I asked him what was so funny, he slapped me on the shoulder and said, "Man, you are crushing on this woman!"

I tried to deny it, but could feel myself getting redder by the minute. He had picked the right word; a crush was exactly what I felt like I had. Well I guess I couldn't blame myself. Paula was damn nice to me and attractive, I think her being older was exciting as well, but a crush was all it was. Like most crushes I had no doubt it was one sided, and would run its course. But for now, she was fun to think about and it gave me a pleasant distraction from the rest of my pathetic existence. Speaking of which, I had reached the route ten off ramp and as I always did, looked up and down the street for cops before crossing partway and standing on the island.

I closed my eyes and removing my sign from my sweatshirt held it up in front of me. It always amazed me that after several months of this it hadn't gotten easier. Every day I felt like I lost another piece of myself as I stood there begging. I focused straight ahead as the cars went past me. The light turned red, and as the traffic stopped I looked around at the people in the cars in front of me. I did this quickly, long enough to maybe gain some sympathy, but not long enough to make them feel awkward.

The guy in the ford pickup in front of me rolled his window down, and put his hand out. I quickly stepped forward, took the dollar from his hand, and said softly, "Thank you sir."

"Anytime kid," he replied. "You try to get some coffee with that okay, its cold out here."

I nodded and turned to go back up in the island. As I did I was just in time to catch the sight of two young kids in the back seat of a Lexus, pointing and laughing at me. The light changed and as the cars drove by I heard someone yell, "Fucking pathetic, get a job you lazy bastard!"

I put my head down, in shame and frustration. This would go on all morning. For every decent person there was an asshole. Most people seemed to be in between. They would make eye contact with me, then quickly look away and stare straight ahead until the light changed. I could tell they felt bad, but either couldn't give anything or thought it was wrong to do so for some reason.

The first half hour went by quickly and I made ten dollars, so lunch and dinner were in the bag at least. The next goal was another ten for the luxury of haircut, so if I got an interview I could look decent. The time began to drag as traffic thinned out and standing still allowed the cold to catch up to me. I didn't have a watch, but my well developed internal clock told me I should have seen Paula by now. Once in awhile if she knew she had to work late she would go in later in the morning. When that happened I usually missed her, as I didn't stay more than an hour for fear of the cops. Figured this would be the day she wouldn't be around.

I looked up excitedly at the sound of a horn, expecting to see her truck. It wasn't her, but I knew who it was. I quickly jumped back a couple of feet as the red mustang came racing towards the light. It was driven by a kid around my age and the two girls who were with him were laughing and pointing. As he always did, the kid swerved the mustang close enough to the island to hit the slushy snow in front of it and splash it up at me. I dodged most of it, but some hit my legs, instantly soaking my pants. He yelled something and I heard the screech of breaks.

I saw that the traffic had backed up and he was stopped not twenty feet from me. I felt a surge of rage flow through me and stepped off the island. After weeks of doing shit like that to me, the little mother fucker had finally screwed up. I was never much of a fighter, but at six feet was not a small guy. I used to work out when things had been good, and although I'd lost weight with my limited lifestyle I was still pretty solid. Wandering the streets had also taught me how to handle myself, and I'd gotten into enough scuffles with other panhandlers and street people to know I could kick this kid's ass.

I took another step towards his car and saw to my amusement he was looking behind him and saw me coming. I smiled at the image of yanking him out of his car in front of his little girlfriends and bitch slapping him. I was halfway across the street when I heard Paula's voice behind me,

"Hey Jamie, hold on!"

I stopped and stared at the mustang, still wanting to go over there, but hesitated. Would I want Paula to see me act like that? She thought I was a sweet guy who did the right thing. Right behind Paula was a vision of my aunt Maries shaking her head in disappointment. I turned around and walked back onto the island, thinking I would get another chance with that prick some day. I admit I was a little ticked off, that I had lost this chance, but when I looked over to see Paula smiling at me, from her truck, I quickly forgot about it.

"Morning Paula, how are you?" I asked as I reached the side of her truck.

"I'm good Jamie, how you doing this morning?"

I shrugged.

"Okay, I've had worse days."

"I'm sure you have." She nodded, looking at me sadly.

I hated that look; pity was what I relied on from the people who donated to my cause. I wanted Paula to see me differently.

"Well any day I see you can't be a bad day now can it?" I asked, giving her a wink.

Paula laughed and gave me the smile that I had been living for lately.

"You are smooth Jamie, you should teach classes."

I shrugged and didn't reply right away. I was content to just look at her. As always her hair was up and she was bundled up tight. I did notice that her usual black scarf had been replaced with a bright red one.

"So who said it's a line?" I asked to keep her smiling or to keep up my lame attempt at flirting, either way it worked as she laughed again.

"Oh, please, I have kids your age and I doubt I'm one of those..." She thought a moment. "Mif's?"

"Milfs." I corrected her, laughing.

"Oh yeah that's right." she nodded. "Not one of those."

"Yeah you're right," I began as I made a show of looking closely at her. "I was thinking more like a cougar."

"Good thing I wore my boots today." Paula said rolling her eyes.

Reaching down next to her she handed me a Dunkin Donuts coffee.

"Here you go hon, it's really cold out here."

I took the coffee and holding up the cup, turned it around in my hand, last week she had taped a five dollar bill to the side of it. I didn't see anything, which was fine by me.

"Thank you Paula." I told her. "Hey, I like that scarf, is that for Valentine's Day?"

"It is as a matter of fact." Paula said with a shrug. "Probably all I'll do to celebrate the day, but hey it's something right?"

I nodded, thrilled that my little segue had worked. I was reaching into my sweatshirt for the rose, when Paula surprised me first by reaching out and handing me a small heart shaped box of chocolates.

"Speaking of, happy Valentine's Day Jamie."

I took the box from her and stared at it for a minute. I felt a lump rise in my throat; I couldn't believe she had thought of me.

"Thank you Paula," I said quietly.

"No worries, "she winked at me. "Just some sweets for a real sweetheart." She laughed. "I know that's not as good as one of your lines, but I'm pretty rusty."

"Well, this makes me feel even better that I did this then."

Pulling out the rose, I handed it to her.

"Happy Valentine's Paula."

If I'd had any doubt that she would enjoy the rose, it was erased by the look on her face. Her all ready big brown eyes widened, and as she took it, she swallowed hard, and I recognized that she felt the same why I did.

"Oh Jamie, thank you." She whispered. "This is..." she shook her head. "So beautiful."

"Well I don't know about that," I said, after all it came from Cumberland farms. "But you said purple was your favorite."

"Twenty years of marriage and my ex thought my favorite color was blue." She said softly, more to herself then to me, then shaking her head said, "I say it once to you and you remember."

Reaching out, she took my hand in hers and flashing me her trademark smile said, "Thank you, you don't know how much this means to me."

"Well you taking me to see aunty meant a lot to me," I said then reaching back into my shirt gave her the card. "Here, this is for you too."

"Jamie, this is too much..."

"Nah, it's only a card." I told her, but was thrilled with the look in her eyes as she held it.

"Yeah but, a few dollars is a lot for you Jamie! I mean...." She sighed. "You didn't have to do this."

"I don't have to do anything, remember?" I asked.

Paula looked at the red envelope and then again at the rose. Putting the card down, she reached out, put her arm around my shoulder and tugged me towards her. Caught off guard, I felt like an idiot as I all but fell against her car. That feeling quickly faded as she wrapped her arm around my neck and hugged me. My face was buried in her neck and between the scent of her perfume and the sensation of her soft hair against my cheek I felt as if I were in heaven. I frowned at the thought that I was pretty sure I didn't smell anywhere near as nice, and my own hair probably felt kind of nasty.

Again thoughts were pushed away by the thrill of her lips grazing my cheek. Still hugging me she whispered in my ear, "You made my day Jamie, you really did."

"You make mine all the time." I told her quietly, and risking it, gave her a quick peck on the cheek.

"Hey lady! Make sure he showers first!" a voice called out, ruining the moment.

I pulled away, looking angrily in the direction of the voice, but the light was green and the cars were whipping past.

"Ignore them," Paula said quietly. "They're just assholes."

She looked at her watch and sighed.

"I'm sorry Jamie, but I have to go. I'll look at the card later okay?"

"No problem," I told her. Part of me was relieved, I would rather she read it without me in front of her, just in case I had gone too far with what I had written. "You have a good day," I winked at her. "And don't do anything wild tonight."

"Oh, please." She laughed. "Wild for me these days would be using my left hand."

"I..." I stopped speechless, trying to fight off the visual that remark conjured up. I could my face getting hot and Paula laughed.

"I got you to blush! How cute are you?"

"Cute," I managed to get out. "Yeah that's me."

"Sorry, Jamie, but you're so nice all the time I couldn't resist."

"Glad I could get you to laugh." I said rolling my eyes.

"You always do." She said, and then turning serious added. "You go get warm soon okay?"

"I will."

"And thank you again Jamie, this was very thoughtful."

I simply nodded and smiled, as she pulled away she called out, "Enjoy the candy."

Looking down at the box in my hand, I shrugged and untying the ribbon, opened it to grab a chocolate. When I removed the lid I laughed, there was a ten dollar bill folded on top of the candy.

I spent another half hour on the corner. By then I had finished my coffee, and eaten most of the chocolates. I also made another ten dollars so not a bad day all in all. Although I certainly didn't mind the money, the morning couldn't have gone badly after seeing the smile on Paula's face. I was proud of myself; I had made someone who deserved it, happy today. By this time most people had arrived at work and there wasn't much traffic coming through. Between that and the cop I spotted several blocks away harassing my buddy in the army jacket it was time to leave.

I figured I would walk downtown, get a haircut then swing by the restaurant and see if Gino had gotten any calls from the jobs I had applied to. Slipping my sign under my sweat shirt, I crossed the street and started walking. I made it about three blocks, when I heard a horn behind me. I turned and was surprised to see Paula pulling up next to me. She had rolled the window down and called out, "Hey Jamie, wait a minute!"

I walked over to the truck and frowned as it looked as if she either was upset or had been recently.

"Hey Paula," I began as I stopped in front of the door. "Everything okay?"

"Jamie, get in the truck for a minute, I want to talk to you."

I felt my stomach flutter, that didn't sound good. I started to open the door, then stopped and started looking around. "I don't think I should get in. What if..."

"Oh, for God's sake!" Paula rolled her eyes. "Just get in."

I quickly got into the car, wondering what was wrong. Then it hit me, she must have...

"Jamie," Paula cut into my racing mind. "I just read the card a few minutes ago."

Oh shit, I thought. I'd gotten carried away and she was going to say something about it. I could feel my face already starting to flush. I'd made myself look like an idiot.

"Umm, look Paula..." I stammered not even sure what I was going to say. "I..."

I stopped as she reached out, and putting her hand on my shoulder said softly, "That was the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in longer then I can remember." She paused and I was shocked to see that her eyes were misting up. "Thank you Jamie, that card means more than you know."

Before I could speak, she leaned forward and hugged me. Unlike last time, she got both arms around me and pulled me close to her. I hesitated, before awkwardly putting my arms around her shoulders. Again my face was nestled into her, but this time it was the soft skin of her neck that I felt my face against. She smelled and felt amazing, and I had to fight off the insane urge to kiss her neck. Paula released me, and sitting back in her seat looked at me as if she were embarrassed.