Honey We Need To Talk

"This is all very one sided, I don't see you having to live by any conditions."

"Yeah very one sided, you seem to have missed that the same conditions apply to me if I was to choose to break your heart and slag about as you have. If you'd bothered to notice, I have already signed all three copies."

"Do you really think that's what I am going to be doing?"

"That's exactly what you told me you were doing, look you haven't signed yet, ring up your daughter or you mother and ask them if they think what you have demanded is slagging about."

"I'm sorry, I suppose from your perspective that's exactly what I'll be doing."

Finally, a little humility, a little acceptance from her.

"Okay, you win, I'll sign the bloody things."

No Pam, I only win if you decide not to do this.

She signs all three copies, I give her one copy to keep,

"As you know I have spent hours on the computer, I haven't been looking at porn, I have been doing some research." I say before giving her the other envelope. I smile as she takes it and starts to look inside.

I have done research, lots of it, some for the "contract" and a lot on Mr J Hornsby. I am pretty sure I know more about him than my errant wife. He is married with two children aged eleven and nine. They moved from Shropshire a few months ago, that I found out just from social media.

As well as printing up the contract, I also made up an identity card for a fictitious private detective company, with a fictitious name, not to mention a fictitious medical report for the fictitious Jenny.

The last two Saturdays and the last two days I have been trawling his old haunts, only an hour and a half away. Using the fake P.I. card I was able to find out a lot more, it's amazing what you can find out about a person, especially if he is not liked by the person you are asking.

He considers himself a bit of a ladies' man, and likes to pretend to be a bit flash. No-one I spoke to, had much good to say about him and the major bonus I found was that he left his last employer under a bit of a cloud, mostly caused by an allegation of date rape by one of his colleagues. In the envelope were several documents that support that information. Most of which I shouldn't have been able to get hold of. He really is not well liked.

"It says that he's married, and has two boys, he told me he was divorced and didn't have any kids." She says. "He lied to me"

"Shit who would've guessed, I never saw that coming. I would've thought he would be inherently trustworthy." I say, trying not to smile.

"Date rape." She gasps as she says it and then empties her glass, I notice her hands are trembling as I get up and take it to refill, I get myself a little glass for some Jameson's, I think it's time for a little celebration.

I pass her her glass and go pour my whiskey.

"I'I... I, he... he got to me. Col I'm so sorry for what I've put you through. Oh god I feel so stupid, you tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen oh god Col how can I make this right, I've been so thoughtless and selfish, can you ever forgive me?"

"Yes." I say, she gasps in surprise and then I finish my sentence. "You have been totally thoughtless and selfish. It makes me wonder why I shouldn't just get a divorce. You were ready to betray everything just for a few inches of meat and a bucket of bullshit. Now, finally, you have gotten your head out of his crotch, how do you think that's made me feel?

"Oh god Col, I've been a total bitch, I didn't see it, even tonight when you are explaining that stupid faux contract I was getting annoyed at your digs, although some of them did hit home.

"Faux contract, what faux contract?"

"This, silly." She says waving the contract.

"No, I had it checked over, it's legally binding."

"Haa you had me going for a second, even if it was legal it would have to be witnessed."

"I videoed me signing it earlier and you just now, I have sent the files to my solicitor, it's as good as witnessing by signature nowadays."

"It doesn't matter, I'm not going to mess up again."

"That's okay Pam, now I have a question for you." I pull two pieces of paper and pass them to her and say. "STD free certificates," then I ask her. "would Monday at half eight at the Hollydown motel be okay with you, for me to give Jenny the shafting of her life?"

I look at her and smile. Now I know she does know how she made me feel.