Honey, We Need to Talk

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Sorry. This is an edited version of my earlier story. I confused the names of the characters in the earlier version and fixed it here. Otherwise, it's still the same story.

This is my take on the classic line. Best laid plans... and all that. I hope you find it amusing.

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It was Friday evening, just a few weeks before our tenth anniversary, and I was coming through the front door of my home. It had been a long, hard week and I was ready to relax. I knew that my wife, Debbie, would be home by now and starting dinner. I love Friday nights. We'll cook together, take our time, talk, laugh, eat, and on a good night we'll go to bed early. I was so tired, I thought that going to bed early tonight might just mean getting a good night's sleep.

I walked into the living room where my wife and Greg, a good friend from just a few houses away, stood and looked nervously in my direction. Greg and his wife, Janet, were frequent visitors to our home. We spent many evenings together talking over dinner and playing games. Janet was a lovely woman with a wonderful heart and I admired her tremendously. Secretly, I had a bit of a crush on her, although I would never do anything to betray my wife.

Both Greg and my wife were telegraphing every thought in their heads and I missed every single one of them. I was one clueless bastard. All I saw was the woman I loved and my good friend from down the street, and I'm thinking "OK, let's fire up the grill and char some steaks!"

The looks on their faces finally got through to me and I say, "What's with you two? You look like the dog died and we don't even have a dog. Is everything ok?"

"Honey, we need to talk."

I look at her and I don't think I've ever seen my wife so nervous. I'm starting to worry. "Sure, dear. How about I get changed first, or is this an emergency?"

"Henry, we need to talk now before I lose my nerve."

"OK, now you're scaring me. What's wrong?"

In a voice so quiet it's almost like she's talking to herself, "I had this all worked out, but now that I'm trying to say it I can't seem to find the words." She glanced at Greg, who nodded, and then she looked back at me. "Henry, I love you and you know that, but I'm not `in love' with you anymore. I don't know if I ever was. I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you." She paused for a long time and I just looked at her in disbelief.

My head was spinning and my stomach was churning. I was feeling sick and I didn't know what I would do first -- pass out or throw up.

"Henry, I want a divorce."

There it was. She dropped the bomb on me not two minutes after I walked through the door.

"Is this some kind of joke? If it is, I have to tell you it's been a bad week and your timing sucks!"

"It's not a joke, Henry. I'm sorry. I do want a divorce."

"You've never once told me you were unhappy with me and the first words out of your mouth are `I want a divorce.'"?

"I'm sorry. We didn't want to hurt you, Henry. It all got out of control. It just seems like..."

"Wait! What do you mean, `We'? Who's `we'? Are you involved with someone else?" My God, I can be thick sometimes. You think you understand someone and then when the truth is literally standing there right in front of you and you can't see it, you fall into denial and confusion. Debbie wasn't answering my question and then I noticed Greg put his arm around my wife. "You mean Greg? You're fucking Greg?"

"Believe me, honey, we didn't mean for it to happen. It was an accident and we fell in love."

"It was an accident? An accident is when you trip and spill your drink! Did he trip and spill his dick into you? You mean that kind of accident?" I was seething.

Somehow, Greg managed to find his voice at this point and he stopped hiding behind my wife. "There's no need to talk like that, Henry. We never set out to hurt you. In a perfect world, you would never know. But we fell in love and we can't keep hiding it any longer."

Those words echoed in my brain, "...you would never know." He didn't say, "...you would never have known." That would suggest past tense. It might even allow for regret. What he said was forward thinking. Those were the words of someone who planned, lied, and schemed, who manipulated people to get what he wanted and what he wanted was my wife.

"So you just planned to sneak around, tell lies, fuck my wife, and pretend to be my friend while you stab me in the back? You know, the usual chicken shit cowardly crap that no real man would ever do."

"Watch it, asshole."

"Watch what? You think you can claim any real manhood now? A real man doesn't cheat on his wife and he doesn't fuck another man's wife. He doesn't sneak around like a coward. A real man doesn't lie and betray the people that trust him." I could see him balling his fists and I was hoping and praying he would take a swing at me. All the time he's known me I've been a caring, patient, and helpful neighbor and friend. He's never seen what I'm capable of and right now I had the will to kill the son-of-a-bitch. All I needed was a good excuse.

"Stop it, Greg. We deserve it. We cheated and now we have to face it." At least one of them was looking in a mirror.

"How long? Tell me that much. How long have the two of you been fucking behind my back?"

My loving wife seemed to be fascinated with the carpet. She couldn't take her eyes off it. "About a year." She finally looked at me. "Honey, I swear it wasn't supposed to go like this. The first time was just an impulse. We gave in to temptation. After that, we couldn't stop. It was like a drug. I finally realized that I love Greg and we need to make it right."

"This is your idea of making it right? You rip my heart out so you can keep on fucking my friend... I mean, this asshat?"

"Fuck you, cuck!" Greg was never a very clever man.

"So what did Janet say when you told her you were divorcing her?"

The two of them just stood there in silence.

"You haven't told her, have you?"

"We were going there next." Debbie seemed to speak for the both of them. I almost wanted to be a fly on the wall when they get to Greg's house.

"Let me help you with that." I picked up my cell phone and hit the speed dial for Greg's house. "Janet, it's Henry. My loving wife and your asshole husband are over here telling me they've fallen in love, they've been having an affair for a year now, and they both want divorces. Apparently, they are rehearsing their performance with me and then plan to break the news to you later... No, I wish I were kidding... No, I haven't had a drop, but I'm ready to... They're standing right here in my living room. They hit me with it as soon as I came through the door... Well, if it's a joke it's a really sick joke... I have a better idea. Why don't you come on over and they can explain it to us together. It will keep them from having to repeat themselves... Just come on in when you get here. The front door is open. I'll be in the living room with Asswipe and The Slut."

"You didn't have to do that. We were trying to have a calm, mature discussion like three adults and you have to act out like some kind of child. Won't you ever grow up?" I guess Debbie had decided the best defense is a good offense. It wasn't going to work for her. I no longer had anything to lose. That's what some wives never understand. They have disproportionate power because their husbands love them and want them to be happy. If my marriage was over, her displeasure no longer concerned me.

"Yes, I did and no, I won't. Janet may be the only person in this whole world who knows exactly what I'm going through right now; and since she'll be going through the same thing later tonight we might as well start supporting each other now."

I turned my attention to Greg. "And what is your problem? You have a lovely, funny wife. Judging from the way she dotes on you, I'm guessing she gives you all the love you need! Why do you have to cheat on her? Isn't she more than enough for you? You're going to trade her in for a woman who is proven to be unfaithful, or are you so arrogant that you think you'll be the exception?"

Before either of them could object, Janet came through the front door breathing hard. They only live three doors away; but still, she must have run over from her house. She just stood there looking back and forth between her husband and my wife, back and forth, back and forth, waiting for someone to speak. "Well? If this is a joke, I swear I'm going to break something expensive."

"Tell her, Asswipe. Tell her about the future you've decided for her." Wow, he really didn't like being called that.

"Janet, Henry wasn't supposed to call you. I was coming home as soon as we finished here and I was going to tell you myself."

"Tell me what? Say the words."

"Janet, I'm sorry. Debbie and I are in love and we're asking you both for divorces. I promise, we'll be very fair. We're not looking to hurt either of you."

Janet just stood there looking at him for what seemed like an eternity. Then she clenched her fists and screamed at the top of her lungs. "You don't want to hurt either of us? What do you think the divorce is going to do, you fuck head, you asshole, you god-damn son-of-a-bitch!"

Wow, that was the first time I'd heard Janet curse. She was good at it!

"I'm going to fucking kill you! I'll cut off your nuts! I'll take everything you have and everything you'll ever have. If you think I'll just go away quietly while you fuck this..." Janet stopped in mid-thought and she grew quiet. I could see tears forming in her eyes. "Debbie, how could you? You were my best friend. You stood by me when we buried my mother. You were there for me when I had my miscarriage. How could you do this to me? How could you betray me this way? How could you take my husband from me?"

The tears were running down Debbie's cheeks now. At least she understood the magnitude of her betrayal; or maybe she didn't. I'm not sure I know her now or if I ever did. I never thought the woman I married was capable of this.

I was drained. I had arrived home tired and the anger took everything from me. I finally just collapsed on the couch expecting to watch Janet tear into those two. When I collapsed, Janet looked at me and dropped onto the couch next to me. I was still in shock, but she was broken. She buried her face in my chest, put her arms around me, and wept. All I could do was hold her. I instinctively kissed the top of her head as I had Debbie's head a hundred times before. We just sat there holding each other for what seemed like hours, but it was maybe fifteen minutes, until she stopped crying and looked up into my eyes. I cradled her face in my hand and gave her a gentle, loving kiss. It was nothing erotic. It was just a kiss of friendship and support, a kiss of love from someone who cares. That's all it was. She smiled through her tears, looked at me, and put her head back on my chest. In all this time I never so much as glanced at the cheaters. I didn't give a damn about them. There was only Janet, myself, and our shared pain. At that moment, I knew what I had to do. I raised her face up to mine and I said, "Janet, I make you this promise. Whatever those two do to us, you will not be alone. I promise you that we will get through this together. Whatever you want or need, I'm here for you."

"Thanks, Henry. I may take you up on that more than you planned." Janet kept looking in my eyes and I could see she was thinking. She sat up straight, leaned over to my ear, and whispered.

God only knows the look of shock on my face, but I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Are you sure? I mean, we're both off balance right now. Maybe you should think about it a little longer?"

"I don't have to." She looked over at our spouses and nodded. "Look at them. They've lied to us for a year now. What do we owe them? I'll tell you -- nothing!"

I looked at them. She was right. We didn't owe them one damn thing, but we did owe each other as much care and honesty as we could provide. "We don't owe them, but I do owe you. I don't want you having regrets tomorrow. I mean, you have enough regret to carry now. I don't want to add to it."

She whispered into my ear again, "Henry, I won't be carrying any regrets. I want you to carry me to my happy place. I want to make love with you tonight!" Then she kissed my ear and sent a charge of electricity down my spine.

You're not going to believe this, but I actually had to think about it. Don't get me wrong. Janet is gorgeous and I've always thought so. She's also funny, smart and caring. It's just that I'd been a faithful husband for a decade and I don't change gears that fast.

She next spoke in a voice just loud enough for the other two to hear. "Henry, the last man I slept with is a lying cheat. I don't want to wake up tomorrow thinking that's all I deserve."

I was speechless, but I wasn't stupid. I smiled, stood up, took her hands and pulled her to her feet. I kissed her tenderly and I didn't care whether the cheaters saw us or not, but I knew they would. We started walking to the stairs and a few steps up we stopped. Janet looked over at the two cheaters, who were sitting there with their mouths open, and said, "Don't forget to lock the door on your way out."

I was laughing. She had just dismissed my cheating wife and told her that she was free to leave her own house! I came home exhausted, my wife told me she'd been boning my friend and wanted a divorce, and now I was walking upstairs to have sex with one of the most loving women I've ever known.

When we got to the bedroom I asked, "Should we lock the door, or let them watch?"

"Henry, I don't care one damn little bit! I'm going to fuck you senseless, then cook you dinner so we regain our strength, and then I'm going to fuck you some more until you are so dry you're shooting dust!" She was laughing again.

I was smiling nervously. I'd been completely faithful to Debbie since the day I met her and I had no idea if I was even capable of pleasing another woman. I was playing for time. "It's been a rough day. I think I'd better take a quick shower if that's ok?"

"Not if you plan on showering alone." She could see I was nervous. "Last one with their panties on the floor gives the first tongue job!"

I've never seen a woman get out of her clothes as fast as Janet and she giggled the entire time she did it! She never took her eyes off me, but she was standing there naked as the day she was born and I was still working on my shoes. And oh-my-God, she was even more beautiful than I had imagined.

She had the most mischievous smile on her face. "Looks like you get a tongue full of pussy as soon as we get out of the shower."

"I am so looking forward to it. I could start now if you'd like?"

She was laughing. "No, shower first, pussy second."

I could give you the blow-by-blow, so to speak, but I'll just let you imagine the night. We showered together and we took our time exploring each other with soapy hands and desperate kisses. My tongue explored the most beautiful pussy I've ever seen or tasted while she squirmed and screamed the most pleasurable sounds. Then the most sensual woman I'd ever known pulled me into herself and took me to her happy place. It was my new happy place, too! She didn't just give me sex, although that would have been wonderful. She nurtured my soul and made my whole being feel loved and wanted. After round two we went downstairs to fix a little something to eat. She wore one of my t-shirts and it was just short enough for me to see a little bit of that beautiful bottom the whole way back up the stairs.

"Like what you see?"

"Oh, yes, very much!"

It was hours before we finally slept. True to her word, I didn't have a drop left to give.

In the morning I woke and watched her sleep. She looked so peaceful and I worried if when she awoke she would regret our decision. I'd loved her as a friend for a decade. My heart was aching for her now, but my feelings for her were entangled with my feelings for the two cheaters. I knew I was confused, but I'm a man and sex cures everything. It doesn't work that way for women. I was hoping that she'd wake up smiling. I didn't need to worry so much. She did.

"How long have you been staring at me?"

"About a decade, but I tried not to get caught."

She smiled. "I mean this morning."

"About 20 minutes. You're beautiful when you sleep and I feel at peace just watching you."

"After you fell asleep last night I did some more thinking. They want a divorce? Let's give them what they want! Why should we fight them? If that's what they want, and if they've been fucking behind our backs for a year, let's give them their divorce today and not wait."

OK, now I was confused.

She placed her hand on my chest. "Henry, I don't want to crowd you or make you feel trapped; but here is what I want to do, and you can think about it for as long as you need." She hesitated to gather her thoughts. "I want to move out of my house today and move in here with you. They want to live together, let them live together starting now. I'll give you a monogamous girlfriend until the divorces are final. Then, you are free to reconsider. No holds, no claims, no regrets. We help each other get through this together, I fuck you into early senility, and then if we want to go our separate ways we can."

I thought about it. Yeah, right! I thought about it for about a half second. "I'd have to be senile already to turn down an offer like that." She was laughing. "There is just one catch and you have to promise me something."

"OK, what is it?"

"If you move in, you owe me just one thing and that's the truth."

"OK, what is it?"

I had to laugh. "I just told you. It's the truth. You have to be 100% truthful with me. You don't owe me sex if you're not in the mood. If I annoy you, you have to tell me. If you're not getting enough attention, or if I'm giving you too much attention, you have to tell me. Most of all, if I tell you the same joke more than twice, you have to tell me!"

Now she was really laughing. "So you mean like a real marriage? You have a deal!" She was looking at me with real affection in her eyes. "Now, here's the first bit of truth and I'm not sure how you're going to take it, but you asked for the truth and I'm telling you."

"OK, I can take it."

"I like morning wood." She was playing coy. "Call me crazy, but I just like getting fucked in the morning. It makes the whole day better."

I may never wipe this smile off my face! "I said truth, not brutal honesty, but if that's how you feel I guess I can live with it..."

Sex and laughter are a great combination if you do it right!

Epilogue:

Now, you may be wondering about the two cheaters. The truth is there isn't much to tell. We never did ask or get answers to the usual questions like, "How did it start? Why did you do it? Were we inadequate?" We just didn't care anymore. We were sure they had their answers prepared and their justifications ready. We didn't want to hear it. Janet and I went to the same lawyer and had the two cheaters served before they got their act together. I think our reaction to their announcement caught them more than a little off guard. We did everything through our lawyer and hardly spoke a word to either of them. Once we knew about their yearlong affair, our decision was made. All we really wanted was out, so we proposed a fair divorce settlement and it went through quickly.

Debbie had decided, rather unilaterally, that she didn't want kids and had her tubes tied early in our marriage. It was a blow to me, but I loved her and accepted it. Greg had a vasectomy in much the same manner after Janet had her miscarriage. Janet and I were both fertile, as far as we knew, and a week after she moved in we realized that we both wanted much the same things from life. We wanted kids, a spouse we could trust, good friends, and time to enjoy them all. This realization came about two minutes after we realized we'd been having unprotected sex. We married about six months after the divorces were final. Debbie and Greg married about the same time, but it lasted only a little over two years. She caught him with a woman he works with. Was anyone surprised?