Hope

So there was I, alone in the house with Toni, and I knew I wouldn't –couldn't- do anything; a wasted opportunity –or simply an opportunity that wasn't there, but felt like one.

I heated up the coffee and toasted a few slices of bread. I found an old wooden tray covered in faded painted sunflowers, wiped it clean and put on it two mugs of coffee, the toast, some orange juice and a few things to eat.

I walked back into the bedroom and I bumped the tray against the door by accident. Nothing spilled over, but the noise woke Toni up. I sat on the edge of the bed, on Toni's side, balancing the tray over my knees.

'Morning... What time is it?' Her voice was deep, full of sleep; a luring sound I didn't need to hear.

'9:30. I brought you some breakfast...' As the words came out, I felt like an idiot – as if I could hide my nervousness by putting subtitles to the obvious.

She rubbed her eyes –although they were not puffy-, and craned her neck from underneath the blankets.

She looked at the full tray, raised her eyebrows and smiled –a full smile putting on display her immaculate, perfect teeth and the tip of her tongue just behind. My heart jumped.

Toni moved over, sat up and tapped on the bed with her open hand.

'Put it here. This is great, thanks, but you shouldn't have'

'I know, but it's done. Let's eat'

She took a long sip of her coffee. 'Where's everyone'

'Gone. AJ left a note; we should meet them at 12'

She looked outside. 'Did it snow last night?'

I didn't know. Actually, I remembered having seen the cloudy weather, but my mind had been too occupied otherwise to really notice.

'It looks so cold outside. It's so nice in here' said Toni, pulling her blanket up before taking another sip of her coffee.

I was actually cold. I wanted to get in bed, but I didn't know if I could endure it, so I sat shivering and drinking my coffee, too unsettled to eat much, not knowing what to say. I felt her eyes on me a couple of times, but every time I looked up she was looking down.

I took the tray back to the kitchen after the silent, tense breakfast, and got into the shower. It didn't surprise me to find myself slippery again, but I was more preoccupied with the turn of events inside of me than with the actual physical response, so I just washed myself clean as fast as I could so Toni would have hot water left.

* * *

AJ had left her car for us to reach the ski station. I wasn't expecting to find them there so we headed directly to the green trail for the milk run. The lift queue was short, and in no time I was making my way through the foggy weather. The top layer of snow was icy so I decided to take it easy.

As we reached the end of the run, Toni and I went our separate ways.

A while later I was making my way down the longest trail, deep in thoughts about the breakfast in bed, about Toni's face, her mysterious eyes, and the impossibility of it all. I didn't see hear or see the bomber until it was right next to me. A few seconds later, the world stopped and I found myself sitting in my very own yard sale. Nothing was broken, although my right side was aching badly. I got up and started gathering my skis and poles that were strewn all over the trail –even my goggles had fallen out.

I left the trail and took cover under the pine trees. Sitting with my back against one of them, I waited until the shock wore off. Suddenly I didn't feel like skiing anymore but I knew the only way back was down, and I had more than half the run to finish before reaching the lift that'd take me back to the station. I decided to have a quick cigarette and move on before my muscles got cold. I wished that Toni would appear from behind chiding me, but the cigarette was finished and she was nowhere to be seen. I got up, back on the skis and started an easy run back.

I reached the main bar at 11:45. No signs of AJ or Toni or anyone else. I ordered a cup of chocolate and sat by the fire. AJ arrived first, at 12 o'clock.

'Hello, sleeping beauty. Nice of you to join us' She left her jacket on the chair and sat next to me.

'Hey... Good morning.'

AJ lit a cigarette and inhaled slowly, deeply. 'Ooh, nice.... Just what the doctor didn't order. Nothing like a forbidden pleasure, no?'

I stretched my lips in the way of a mock smile.

So, shit weather, no?'

'Hmm...' My lips were still uncomfortably stretched.

'What's up?'

'Nothing, just wiped out. I'm okay, just a bit sore. Not having a good day'

She half-closed her eyes.

'Anything I should know, besides the fall?'

'Nothing exciting to tell, I'm afraid. Should have fallen harder, maybe my head would have screwed itself back in place'

She shook her head, in silence. 'Take it easy on yourself. Have fun'

'I wish I could, but... Hmm. This morning I lost control -thank god she was fast asleep' I sank on the chair. 'I'm such an idiot. I made her breakfast and then sat on the bed freezing so I could see her just woken up, like a teenager with her first crush'

I didn't see AJ's eyes widening, staring over my shoulder, until I had finished my sentence.

'Hi there' It was Toni's voice behind me. I panicked. How much had she heard?

'I'm going to get some coffee... Refill anyone?'

I shook my head, still looking at AJ. She asked for a cup of chocolate, and I could see she was trying not to laugh.

'You are beetle-red', said AJ when Toni had gone.

'Shit. Did she hear everything?'

'Don't know. Maybe, maybe not... You'll find out soon enough'

I didn't. Toni came back and was her usual self. She sat in the chair opposite me, talked about her runs and drank her chocolate. If she heard what I said, she wasn't acknowledging anything.

AJ's finger pointed at me. 'Did you hear about Chris' yard-sale?'

Toni looked at me. 'Are you okay?'

I nodded.

'I have some painkillers in the cabin, if you want'

Toni turned back to AJ and started discussing lunch. Shauna and Todd arrived soon after, and we all went back to the cabin for lunch.

My muscles were getting cold and an intense ache started creeping in. I decided to skip lunch, excused myself and went to lie down in bed after taking one of my own painkillers. Since I hadn't hit my head, I decided that I could safely go to sleep. I quickly sunk into a blissful sleep; the physical pain had erased lust, longing, thoughts and any feeling that had been numbing me that far.

When I woke up it was dark outside and the house was silent again. I was glad to realise that I was feeling much better, although my right shoulder and knee still hurt quite a bit. I put some anti-inflammatory cream on and went around the kitchen to find some food.

While I waited for the food to warm up I threw a couple more logs to the fire. I felt peaceful in the emptiness of the house, but I still couldn't shake the thought of Toni. This is it, I thought. Not only she didn't like women, she didn't even care for my well-being. I made her breakfast, and I wiped out, and she didn't give a damn. I'll never learn... I shook my head and emptied my brain in the dancing flames in the fireplace.

After eating I sat in front of the fire reading old magazines I had found. Around 18:30 I heard the car stopping outside the door.

'Honey, we're home' Mike came over and sat next to me. 'Feeling better?'

His concern touched me deeply; I am not sure what he saw in my silent response but it made him sit next to me, put his arm gingerly around my shoulder. I let my head drop on his shoulder, thriving in the warmth of such caring touch. I let him gently caress my sore shoulder, feeling very connected to him -we had something in common: he's unrequited love for AJ, and my... whatever it was that I felt for Toni.

He smelt well; a manly aftershave softly faded after a whole day in the trails. His arm felt heavy and big, compared to a woman's, although he wasn't resting his weight on me. His deep voice resonated in his flat chest, the face was rough from a two-day beard growth.

So this is what straight women enjoy, I thought. This is what Toni likes, what I can't give her. It was nice, almost sexy if I forced myself to it. But the smell was too strong, the arm too heavy, the face too hairy. I wanted soft. I loved soft.

I opened my eyes and saw Toni staring at us, a deep line wrinkling the skin between her eyes. I stared back, but she wasn't looking at me. She was looking at Mike holding me, at the outline of my head on his shoulder, at his hand caressing my shoulder.

For a second it felt like jealousy. But... who was she jealous of?

AJ started sharing old-time anecdotes with Shauna and Todd. Mike joined in, and he seemed to need both his arms to tell his own story, so I sat back in my place.

Toni's eyes were now focusing directly on me. I looked back. Amazingly enough I didn't blush or blinked. This time those eyes were drawing me in, in a way I hadn't felt before. It was like something in them had cracked, and they were letting me in through a mixture of softness, fear, sadness, curiosity and worry. Then again, maybe I was just imagining it all, and only seeing in them what I wanted to see. Still, something in those eyes allowed me to hold her stare for what it seemed an eternity.

I wondered what she hid under that apparent coldness. Something told me that it was only skin-deep. I tried to imagine her in love, in lust. I tried to imagine her away from the public eye. Was she be forward, inventive, naughty, perverse? Did she like cuddling and soft caresses, or did she like it rough? Was she one of those women who were only content when faced with a stiff dick, hairy chests and muscles? I had no clue; it was as if I my 15 years of experience as a lesbian, as a sexual being didn't exist.

The eye contact broke off when everyone started laughing at what seemed the end of Mike's story. I looked away. AJ seemed oblivious to what had just happened, but she wasn't. After she closed her Zippo and took the cigarette from between her lips, she looked at me and smiled, before looking away.

I felt Toni's eyes again on me. I fell back into them, feeling the physical pain ebbing as the familiar warmth invaded every corner my body.

For a moment, the room, the voices, the caution evaporated, and I found myself believing again in what I had always believed in against my will. Hope rushed back in full force, making me shiver and giving me a boldness I hadn't known this far. This boldness made my eyes leave hers, and move them slowly down her body.

Her lips were slightly parted, her dark blue top unzipped revealing her body hugging high-neck t-shirt. My eyes caressed her square but small shoulders, her breasts, her small hands crossed over her folded knees, her crossed ankles that were blocking the view from the place I had wanted to dive in forever.

I made my way back to her face, stopping again at her chest, trying once again to imagine the shape, texture and taste of the nipples invisible under the all the cotton and fleece.

Finally I reached her eyes again. The lines between them were back, but weren't as deep. Something was going on but I had no clue what to make of it or how to take this forward.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, she looked away and the bubble burst. I felt the heat emanating from my body coming to contact with the cooler air of the room, and I shivered. I became embarrassingly aware of the sequels of my physical reaction, like a live wire stripped from its covering and then left to hang.

I kept looking at her, but she was gone. I got up and poured some more wine, and then some more. I offered to refill the glasses; Toni reached out with her glass, but didn't look at me.

After the fourth glass of wine, I felt blissfully beyond it all. I kept looking at her, not caring if anyone noticed, not caring if she met my eyes or not. I just basked in her next-door girl beauty, in that something that drew me so intensely that made me loose track of reality and of common sense.

I didn't get up until everyone decided to go to bed. Toni got up first and I waited a few minutes and then walked in our bedroom, hoping I'd be able to fall asleep soon enough.

Toni was standing behind the door, leaning against the wall. Without saying a word, she closed the door behind me and locked it. I froze. She turned to me and covered the distance between us guided by the connection of our eyes.

I took a while for me to realise that she was about to do what I hadn't had the nerve or guts to do; I was completely paralysed.

She got closer, in a tortuous slow motion, and stopped two centimetres away from my lips. She looked at them, looked at my eyes, back to my lips and then kissed me.

It wasn't a gentle kiss; it was hard, hungry. Her lips fused to mine as if she had just bungee-jumped and was holding to them for dear life. I felt her tongue touching my lips and the moan that came out of them made way for her tongue to reach mine.

She was out of control, and I could only follow her. I let her tongue fight with mine wildly for a while, but I wanted to savour this moment forever and it was going too fast to keep a clear memory.

I touched her arms, softly but firmly, and retreated slightly. I began teasing her, forcing tongues and lips into a sensual, rhythmic dance.

I started tracing the shape of her lips as if making sure that I was really kissing her, giving bit by bit all I had kept in store for so long. I took her lips between mine and made love to them until I heard her moan. I went deeper inside, and captured her tongue with my lips, sensually, recklessly devouring it.

I pulled her closer. She responded as if she were allowing me to lead and pulling me in at the same time. Her slight frame perfectly glued to mine from chest to knees. Without stopping the kiss, I caressed her back, her fleshy butt, her neck. Her soft, warm skin lured me in, and I started losing control.

I moved my right leg between her legs and pulled her even closer. I could feel the heat coming from between them. She began to tremble; I pulled her closer making the little bud hid behind layers of clothing and skin feel the pressure of my leg, and the trembling became shaking.

I found her own thigh and wrapped myself around it, my sex desperate to make contact with her. The second I felt her strong leg muscle pressing on it, I felt I was going to come so I eased off.

We continued like that for a while, grinding against each other sensually, our lips and tongues melted together.

I could have died happy like that, but my hands needed to feel her. I moved them under her shirt and reached for her bra hook. I struggled for a while, not wanting to rush, not wanting to divert attention from the kiss. When it finally came loose, I traced her skin with my hands, moving them from her back to her waist, until I reached her naked breast.

She moaned silently, her breath hot against my lips. The fleshy side of her breast appeared under my thumb. I wanted to grab, but instead I lifted her loose bra and circled her breast slowly with my fingertips, avoiding the nipple, finding all the answers I had wanted for so long.

She broke the kiss, but not the contact. She slid her face along my cheek, burying her face in my neck. I could hear her moaning against my clothes. She moved slightly to her side, giving me full access to her breast. I didn't waste any precious time; I caressed her until my palm was right on her hard nipple. I stroked it softly, feeling the hardness tickling my skin. Her breasts fitted my hands perfectly, and responded to the slight pressure of my fingers with a delightful firmness.

I wanted to know what she enjoyed most, so I caressed, gently squeezed, felt, played until I heard and felt her strongest reaction. She seemed to be very sensitive in the area around her nipples, and my fingers obliged. Each small touch made her shiver, but I couldn't stay still in one place any longer.

I leaned down to her neck, and started drawing it with my lips and tongue while I lifted the shirt high enough to give my hands access to both her breasts. She shook in my arms, and after a soft kiss on her neck, I slid down to my knees ignoring the bolt of pain.

She grabbed my neck with both hands and leaned forward, putting her breasts right in front of my face. They were so incredibly beautiful, my own personal gold at the end of the rainbow. I leaned forward and captured them with my lips before they vanished.

My tongue did to her breasts and nipples what my fingertips had learned before. My hands retraced the curvy shape of her butt, teasingly heading for her mound as slow as I could. I stopped on the inside of her legs, without touching her sex, and guided her legs apart. I caressed her inner thighs a while, feeling her legs wobbling more and more, and then ran a finger over the seam of her pants until I reached the area over her clit.

A muffled cry came out as she lost her balance.

I moved back, my tongue still teasing her nipples, until I felt the edge of the bed. I slowly turned her around and barely breaking contact I helped her onto the bed and settled between her legs.

She was so beautiful with her closed eyes, the hair messed up around her face, her lips parted wide, her body shaking visibly. I felt overcome with an emotion even more intense that my lust.

I pulled her clothes up slowly, following the fabric with my lips, feeling every inch of her skin up to the breasts, over and around them, and them made my way down until I reached the waistband of her pants. My tongue traced the skin behind it while my fingers wrestled with the button and zipper. I left them undone and moved even lower down over her pants, plotting the map of the place I'd be soon moving to.

My lips reached her sex and felt a hot dampness covering her pants. I took a deep breath and moved back up, seeking desperately her naked skin; I needed to feel her inside.

I pulled her pants down as she wiggled her way out of them. I took one boot off and as I had started working on the other one, I felt her hands pulling me up. I left the boot where it was, cleared the pants out of the way and crawled back. She started lowering her panties, but I stopped her. Our fingers locked and I moved my lips and tongue to her inner thigh. Her mound kept rising to meet me, but I avoided contact for as long as I could. She squeezed my hands with force, and I let them go and moved my hands back down. I lowered her panties as if revealing a lost-and-found Rodin sculpted in flesh.

She opened up wide and her hands locked behind my neck, forcing me to go down on her.

I did. I let my tongue loose, playing wildly at first, and finally zooming in on her most sensitive spot. I found her rhythm and finally fell deep inside of her with my fingers, each stroke provoking a mini-quake inside her. I felt her muscles tensing up on her legs, around my fingers. I increased the combined rhythm of fingers, lips and tongue until she bucked free from my lips, shook and then relaxed.

I drowned inside.

Her hands stroked my hair slowly, and then called me next to her. As my body was at the same level as hers, she held me in a tight embrace, her body trembling softly under mine.

I was nearly over the edge. I wanted to give her time to recover but my body had other ideas. My clit made its way until it found the resistance of her thighs. When she realised my need, she pulled me away gently, opening her eyes for the first time.

Her eyes held mine just they had done earlier, by the fireplace. They seemed to be thinking now what they had thought earlier. For a second, I thought she had suddenly realised what she had done, and that she would pull away. I felt sick with dread.

My forehead tightened, but she erased all worries with a gently kiss on my eyes. Her lips continued down, until they reached my own. She kissed me with what felt like devoted care and gratitude; I shivered again.