How High a Price

"You're never going to get another promotion, your chances of moving up are nil to none; doesn't that bother you?"

"Steve, it was a dead end job, besides it's time I switch jobs anyway."

"Sandy, who is going to hire a pot head? And besides, you've still got to go through the classes to keep it off your permanent record."

"I'll take care of it," she said sarcastically at me.

"Like you took care of your drug problem? And besides, I guess congratulations are in order now that you've moved up in your drug addiction and added cocaine. When did that happen? Don't tell me, the grass wasn't quite doing the job anymore," I said as sarcastically as possible.

"Fuck off," was her response.

"Wow, that was really intelligent and so grown up. You got anymore good come backs?" I asked as she just glared at me. Sandy, you've got a drug problem that needs to be addressed and fast. You're moving up, what's next heroin? Honey, I love you, but you're making it hard on the rest of us. Take the rehab seriously and get the help you need, for you, me and Lisa."

I'd like to say that she took my words to heart but that would be expecting normal behavior from an addict. She went to the classes but never changed one iota and shit came raining down on her the second month.

Sandy was all ready at home waiting for me when I arrived.

"I got fired today," she said red eyed. "I fail the drug test and they told me to clean out my desk,' she said through her red eyes.

I would have loved to say I told you so but all that would have done is make her feel worse.

"What are you going to do now?"

"Find another job."

"How about the rehab classes?"

"If I want to finish, I have to pay for them myself. They're expensive but at least I've only got two classes yet."

"So you plan on finishing?" I asked

"Of course I plan on finishing," she said now getting annoyed.

Sandy did finish the classes and did get another job a couple of weeks later, but it only paid about half of what she had been making. As far as I could tell she wasn't doing anything and we'd just started reconnecting when she had a relapse. No call, no message, she just walked in high as a kite.

"I'm home hon, is dinner ready yet?" she asked walking in and kissing me.

"Sandy, you're stoned. Where in the hell have you been?"

"Just stopped over at a friends house after work for a minute."

"Does this friend have a fucking name?" I asked more than a little loudly.

"With an attitude like that, I don't think I'm going to tell you?" she said kind of smugly.

My biggest problem with this whole mess tonight was the fact that Sandy didn't smell like smoke, not one bit. If she wasn't high on grass, I shutter to think what she was high on.

"You lost your job because of drugs and now you're driving high again, give me your damn keys before you kill someone," I said grabbing her purse.

She fought me like a wild woman and I soon found out why. A small vile with a powdery substance was also in there. I'd never been in the drug culture, but I wasn't dumb either. I grabbed it and dumped it into the sink and turned on the water as I held Sandy at bay.

"You had no right to do that, do you know how much money that cost?" she screamed at me.

"Likely our marriage if you keep this shit up," I yelled back at her. "Look at yourself," I shouted. "You're losing weight, you look like shit, you've got a dead end job and most of all, and you're neglecting your daughter. I don't think Lisa wants a drug addict for a mother."

"Steve, I'm not a damn drug addict. I may do it once in a while but I'm not an addict."

"Spoken like a true addict. Next your going to say you can quit anytime you want," I said trying to make her see where she was at; but it didn't work, she just got more defensive.

It got worse from that night on. The next time she came home stoned I cut up her credit cards and drivers license. I told her if I caught her driving stoned again I'd call the cops on her. No way I was going to allow her to kill someone besides herself.

When I started sleeping in the guest room she took it as an open invitation that she could smoke in the bedroom. The first and only time it happened she got physical and scratched my arms when I dumped out her snatch. I was losing and didn't have a clue what to do. I called the drug hotline and they gave me a few suggestions, all of which I'd already tried, so I took it to the next level, I called her parents and asked for their help. I figured a joint assault on the problem might work. I was wrong, so very wrong.

"You called my parents?" Sandy screamed at me. "What are you nuts?"

"If you won't listen to me maybe you'll listen to them," I replied.

"I can't fucking believe you called my parents. Do you know that they want to put me into a drug rehab center? What do you think I am? Some crack whore?"

"Honey, you need help because you can't handle it by yourself anymore," I said trying to calm her down without much luck.

"I've got to get out of here," she yelled grabbing her keys.

"Going out for another fix?" I yelled at her, which stopped her in her tracks. "If you are, don't come back. I don't need an addict for a wife and Lisa sure as hell doesn't deserve one for a mother."

She looked at me once and then again before walking out, she'd made her choice.

I don't have a clue what time Sandy finally got home but it was way past two o'clock. All I know is when I got up at six; she was home in bed and fully dressed. I had to try and cut the head off the snake once in for all. I had to make sure Sandy no longer had any money to buy her drugs. I'd already cut up her credit cards and this morning I was going to close out our checking and savings accounts. I guess it was my last feeble attempt to get the upper hand but as they say, if an addict wants drugs they'll find a way to get them.

When she pawned her watch, I look whatever was left and put it into my bank lockbox. However, when she pawned her wedding rings I guess I was about done. By now she was just stopping in whenever she needed a change of clothes or to try and find something else she could pawn.

At this point I didn't know if she was even working any longer. My parents were watching Lisa almost full time and I had to work just to keep the roof over our head.

It was Saturday when I'd finally reached my limit. I found Sandy puking in the bathroom toilet when I got up. She looked like shit as the remnants of what hadn't made it into the toilet was dripping down her chin onto her tee shirt.

"Sandy, look at yourself," I said grabbing the mirror off the vanity and shoving it in her face. "Do you like what you see? I sure as hell don't. You're two steps away from being in the gutter, is that what you want?"

She started to say something but was still so screwed up she didn't make any sense. Tears filled her eyes as she lay there, feet stretched out leaning against the wall. I wet a washcloth with some cool water and wiped her face. She was a wreck but she was still my wreck, at least for now. Her clothes were filthy and she smelled like a garbage dumpster. I helped her get to her feet.

"Come on Sandy, you need to get undressed and take a shower before we get something into your stomach," I told her, starting to undress her.

A weak, "I can undress myself," came out of her mouth. I told her I would go downstairs and fix her something to eat.

"Maybe she's hit rock bottom and will listen to reason," I thought as I cooked her two soft-boiled eggs and toast. I wasn't sure if she wanted coffee but I figured she might need it so I brewed another pot. "I guess it's time we had a come to Jesus meeting because we couldn't go on like this any longer.

I was going upstairs to tell her that breakfast was ready and when I went into the bathroom; it didn't take me two seconds to figure out where she'd been getting the money for her drugs lately. She'd just come out of the shower and was drying off when I stepped through the door. She tried to cover up but she was too late, I'd already seen.

There were bite marks and hickeys on her breasts and nipples, bruises on her thighs and a shaved pussy still swollen from last night's probable over usage. I didn't shout, yell or scream even though I had already lost it. Inside my brain yelled for me to kill the bitch.

"I'll see you downstairs," I said as the heat from my anger turned my face beet red and my hands hurt from being tightly clenched waiting to explode on the nearest object.

"Steve," she started to say but stopped when I gave her a look that was no longer that of a concerned husband, more so that of roach that he wanted to squash beneath his feet.

Sandy came downstairs in a pair of old jeans and a long sleeve tee shirt. Her long hair was tied back in a ponytail and her face looked pale and drawn. She sat down in front of the plate of food and ate in silence not even once looking up at me. It took her almost an hour to finish her breakfast fully knowing that we were going to be having a discussion she wasn't prepared for.

"You either check yourself into rehab today or I want you out of the house by this afternoon. Regardless, I'm changing the locks, there's no telling whom you may have given a key to. Here's a list of three clinics," I said passing a paper over to her, "pick one and if you can't drive yourself get your parents to take you. I'm on my way over to pickup Lisa and I want you gone one way or another by the time I get back," I said standing up and grabbing my keys off the counter.

"Please Steve, can we talk for a minute?"

"Not now and I don't know when. I just want you gone so Lisa and I can get back to some type of normalcy knowing at least we won't have to worry about where you are any longer."

There was no I love you; I've missed you or any hint of love in my tone of voice only disgust and now anger. I'd never have or had to ever deal with an addiction even when I quit smoking; I just did it, no big deal right? But now I looked at Sandy as someone weak, someone pitiful who had let something rule her life and in the end destroy what we once had. I couldn't understand how she could have done that, hell, I saw what was happening why didn't she?

By the time I got back with Lisa, Sandy was gone. No note to say where she went or if and when she'd be back again. Her car was still in the garage so I assumed she called her parents and checked herself into rehab. I didn't know for twenty-four hours when the facility confirmed my insurance coverage. "Maybe she'll get some help this time," I thought for a brief moment but then Lisa called out to me and I was parent again.

We'd argued about her drug habit for almost two years but in reality, I'd never agreed with it but it never really interfered with our life until it got out of hand. She'd been in rehab almost two months before I heard from her. She called home about seven o'clock one evening and asked if we could talk.

"About what Sandy? You need me to smuggle you in a joint or two?" I said sarcastically. "Other than that I really don't have much to say to you anymore. I talked until I was blue in the face but you never listen to me and you did what you wanted. Your watch, your rings, our silver, all gone along with any trust I had in you. Seeing you come out of the shower finished it for me," I told her before I heard the dial tone. I guess she didn't like what I had to say.

About two and a half months later I got a call from her mother.

"Steve, Sandy would like to see Lisa if that's possible. She's staying with us for now and going to counseling and meetings in the evening. I could pick her up and bring here over here and bring her back afterwards. She's changed Steve, she's a lot more reserved and is really sorry for what she put you through."

"I suppose she's got religion too? It seems like everyone gets religion, at least until they get out; then it's back to the old ways until they get caught again. Since she's not working, you can pick her up at my mom's and she can have her for the whole day. Just make sure she's back by the time I finish work," I told her. "I hope she's finally getting the help she needs."

Sandy or her mom would pickup Lisa a couple of days a week and spend the day with her. Lisa was beaming now that she was seeing her mom again. I was feeling a little more at ease with the whole situation until I got a call from Sandy's psychologist.

"Mr. Moore, my name is Dr Russell, I treating your wife for her addiction. Would it be possible to meet with you? I have some questions and maybe you can give me some insight into your wives problem."

"Doc, I don't know what I can add. She'd done grass forever, moved to cocaine and then who knows what else. I talked and tried everything until I just gave up and didn't care any longer. She didn't need or want me in her life anymore; she had her drugs and her druggie friends."

"What you say is true, but she is asking for your help now, what should I tell her?"

"Tell her I'll think about it and I'll get back with you."

"I guess that's all I can ask for. I hope you and your daughter have a nice evening."

That was a low blow to bring up Lisa. I knew how much Lisa loved her mom and I felt that Sandy really did feel the same about her. If I didn't help, I'd be the shit. Oh well, maybe it'll get her off my ass if I do. The only stipulation was that Sandy was not to be present. I still had a lot of hate inside and was nowhere near ready to confront her.

Friday morning at about nine thirty I found myself sitting in Dr Russell's office. He wasn't anything like I'd expected. No distinguished looking older gentlemen, more so that of a middle aged jock. Wearing a yellow polo shirt, black jeans and tennis shoes I don't know if he was trying to put me at ease or make a statement. I was dressed in a suit and tie.

"Mr. Moore, I'm glad you could make it, can I get you anything to drink?"

"Water would be nice," I replied.

"Let's get to it shall we? You and Sandy have been married what, almost seven years?"

"That's about right," I said thinking back to our wedding day for a split second.

"I see here you have one daughter, Lisa who will be turning five in two months," he continued. "When did you first aware that Sandy's problem was getting out of hand?"

"If you mean her drug addiction, that started out about a year and a half ago. She went from a casual user to a couple of times a week. From there it just blossomed into a full habit about nine months later. When she became a crack whore is anyone's guess," I told him, he gave me this look of disapproval. "What's the matter, didn't she tell you how she got her drug money after she sold off her wedding rings?"

"We're not here to discuss her condition at this time, more so just to confirm details of the past two years," he said now in a more professional manner.

"How's she doing anyway?" I asked.

"I'm sorry Steve, I can't discuss her case or condition with you without her permission. But, if you want, you could join us tomorrow evening for her weekly session; I'm sure she would like that."

"Maybe when she gets better and gets her head out of her ass I'll think about it," I said probably a little louder than I should have as my anger started getting the better of me.

"I know you're probably still angry with her but if you'd like, we could talk about your issues with her so you could address them."

"I don't want to address them, they're fine where they're at," I said angrily. "I'm not the one that fucked up, Sandy did and now I'm the one paying for her sins," I said standing up. "If that's all you need, I've got to get back to work; I've still got a daughter to look after."

"Mr. Moore, you're talking like Sandy's dead. She's recovering but she's far from being dead."

"In your eyes maybe."

This weekend proved to be a little a little tougher on me than the past few. Sandy wanted Lisa on Saturday but I told her that I'd already made plans. I really didn't, I guess I just wanted to get back at her a little and this was the only way I could. We went out to lunch, Mc Donald's, and then went looking for a birthday party dress.

Do you want to know what it's like to take a little girl shopping for a dress and seeing all the other mothers and their daughters all happy and bonding? It hurt; it hurt like hell. Sandy should be the one doing this. Sandy and Lisa should be the ones picking out her fifth birthday dress, instead, Sandy's in fucking rehab for a condition she brought on herself.

"Daddy, I like this one,' Lisa said snapping me out of my stupor. "I like this one," she said pointing to a frilly pink one on a rack. All right I wasn't the greatest at this as I picked out one and held it up to her gauging if it would fit.

"Can I be of any help?" a woman with another little girl in tow asked.

Looking a little embarrassed, I told her I was dress shopping with my daughter.

"That dress would be a little small on her," she said taking it from me. "This is probably her size," she said pulling another off the rack. "If you'd like, I'll put it on her and you can be the judge."

"I'd like that," I replied as she, Lisa and her little girl made their way to the dressing room. A couple of minutes later a giggling Lisa came out.

"Sweetheart that looks beautiful on you," I said told her while she twirled to show me the front and back. "You want that one?" she nodded yes, the mother looked on.

"Let's take off this dress so your daddy can pay for it," she told Lisa and she took the group back into the dressing rooms again. Five minutes later they were out again.

"I want to thank you for your help," I said smiling at her.

"Do you have socks, tights and the rest of the items?" she asked.

I guess I had this stupid look on my face because she smiled and said, "Come on dad, it's time for a little education. My name is Connie and this is my little girl, Debby."

"I'm sorry, my name is Steve and this is my little girl, Lisa. Ok, what else do we need?"

It took us another hour to finish off the outfit, including shoes and a rhinestone plastic thing for her hair to pull it back. Finally, she put on everything and gave me the full fashion show.

"Honey, you look beautiful," I said giving her a kiss on the forehead. "Why don't you take off everything, we don't want it to get dirty do we?" For the final time the three of them disappeared back into the dressing room.

"I don't know how to thank you Connie, I didn't have a clue about anything other than the dress," I said paying for everything at the checkout and watching the two girls having fun talking together.

"Steve, next time you'll know exactly what to do. Just don't let it get to you; relax and you'll do fine," she said smiling at me.

"How about if I take you and Debby out for pizza to formally thank you for your help?" As soon as I said it I realized I'd over stepped the line. "I'm sorry Connie, I don't know what I was thinking. You don't know me from Adam and here I'm asking to take you out for pizza. You've probably got a husband at home waiting for you; I'm sorry, please accept my apology," I said eating more crow than I had in a long time.

"It's not that Steve, don't you have someone hope waiting on you?"

"Not anymore, but that's a long story," I said still trying to make up for my forwardness.

"Debby and I would love to join the two of you for pizza and I know just the right place." We ended up at Chucky Cheese.

We got a one large cheese, one sausage and a pitcher of diet Sprite. The place was packed and after eating only about half of what we ordered we started playing all the games. I think it cost me twenty-five dollars to win two stupid bears that were probably worth about five dollars total. While the kids wound down we attempted to finish off the pizza and soda.