How High a Price

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Slirpuff
Slirpuff
4,277 Followers

"I'm stuffed," Connie said holding her belly. "I couldn't eat another bite."

"Take the rest home with you. If nothing else Debby will probably be hungry later since neither of them ate anything," I said smiling.

"Don't you want to take it home, after all you paid for it."

"Lisa's not going to touch it and I don't need the additional pounds either. Besides, we'll probably end up at my mom's tomorrow night for dinner so it'll just go to waste."

"Well, if you're sure."

"Connie take it and if you like, we'll pickup a few chocolate chip cookies for dessert."

"Now you're talking," she said with a smile. "I'm a chocoholic from way back. White, dark, milk, I love it all."

"Me too, but good Swiss milk chocolate is my favorite."

"Swiss is too expensive," Connie added. "Give me a Hersey's big block, put it in the freezer for about an hour, smack it on the kitchen counter and then turn me loose." We both laughed at our indulgences.

"If it's not too personal, what happened to Lisa's mother, did she pass away?"

"Separated for now. Her bad behavior, I guess, got the best of her," I said, it was the first time in a while I'd thought about where we stood.

"And how about you?"

"My husband replaced me with a newer and sportier model only to find out he couldn't handle her. I guess the grass across the street always looks greener until you find out they've got the same weeds as you do. Anyway, he wants back in, but I'm nowhere ready for that just yet, or maybe ever. Life can really be a bitch sometimes but you still have to go on and survive; unless you win the lotto that is," she said smiling.

"You guys going to counseling?" I asked.

"I don't have the money for that, and shithead just wants to move back in like nothing ever happened; not in my immediate future."

"If he's got any decent insurance it'll be covered, I know my wife is using mine now."

"You going with her?"

"Haven't yet, and I'm not sure if I'm going to. I have more than a few problems with what she did and I don't know if they are deal breakers. I guess one of these days I'm going to have to talk to her but right now all I want to do is choke her," I said starting to get angry.

"Boy, and I thought I had marital issues," she said looking at me and trying to get me to smile. "Lighten up. You've got a beautiful daughter, you're healthy, good looking; you've got your whole life in front of you."

"I guess you're right, but it's hard sometimes."

"You don't have to tell me that. Well it's been a blast; we've got to do this again. Here's my number, if you need a sounding board give me a call. You may not like what I've got to say, but at least I won't lie to you."

I gave Connie my cell number and told her the same thing. The kids were getting tired and a little cranky so we called it a night. With Lisa in my arms I headed back the car and finally to our house

My mom laid a bomb on me Sunday afternoon at dinner. She had to go in for some female surgery and would be out of commission for a couple of weeks.

"It's nothing serious, just something I've put off but now I've got to take care of it. The doctor told me I'll be in bed for about a week and won't be able to lift a thing for about two to three weeks after that. Why don't you talk to Sandy's parents, I'm sure they'd love to watch Lisa?"

My dad said he'd watch Lisa but I told him he'd have his hands full taking care of mom. This was one call I didn't really want to make but I didn't have much of a choice. Maybe it'll do Sandy some good taking care of Lisa on a daily basis; it had been a long time since her mothering skills had been put to the test. A couple of hours here and there was one thing, but the day-to-day issues I found could be trying at best. I made the call.

I would now drop off Lisa at Sandy's parent's house at seven o'clock in the morning and pick her up at just after five. My only condition was that I did not want to get ambushed by Sandy. I told her if I wanted to talk to her, I'd call, but if something did come up she had my cell.

The first week went well and sometimes Lisa had already been fed supper by the time I picked her up. The following week we had clients in and were required to have dinner with them Wednesday and Thursday. When my boss told me to bring my lovely wife to dinner with me on Thursday night, because he was bringing his, we had a little talk without going into any details. I was the odd man out Thursday night.

I had talked to Connie once before Thursday night but I needed an ear tonight.

"Connie, I wanted to scream as they all sat there lovie dovie with their wives," I ranted. "I got angry all over again at her and what she did to our once happy marriage."

"Why didn't you take her with you? Are you afraid of her? Or are you just afraid of what you'd say to her? Steve, even though he makes me so damn angry I talk to my husband now and then. We may not like or agree with what the other is saying, but at least we're keeping the line of communication open. How many times have you even spoken to her in the last six months? Once? Twice? I think it's high time you get off the fence and address your issues with her. If it's over, then it's over and you can both get on with rebuilding your lives. But, if there is a chance, well the longer you wait the harder it's going to be."

"Connie you don't understand, you don't know what she did."

"I think I do from what you told me. What's the difference between her sleeping with every Tom, Dick and Harry to get drug money and my husband shacking up with the floozy of the month or in his case, four months; it's all cheating. At least mine did it with a free will, yours it looks like was under the influence of whatever she was taking at the time. I'm not saying to run to her with open arms, just that it's time to move on one way or another. Hell Steve, aren't you the least bit horny? I was ready to jump your bones that first night we met. I think I would have gotten off just holding your hand I was so ready, thank God for Big Ben who I keep safely hidden in my night table. He takes the edge off when it becomes unbearable. As much as I'd like to try you on for size, you've got issues you need to address. So Steve, with that said, I need to go. I've got my scented candles lit, the kids are in bed and I've got a date in my bedroom, if you know what I mean." She laughed, I laughed and I told her not to wear it out.

I met with Dr. Russell by myself the first time. I laid out all the issues I had with Sandy and told him I was still angry with her but it had mellowed somewhat.

"Steve, if I put you two in the same room, am I going to need someone standing guard outside my door?"

"You won't need that, but I can't promise you I won't lose my temper," I said being honest with him.

"Before we meet though, I need you to think about what you want to say to Sandy and write it down. That way if you get too angry, you can read it off the paper if necessary. I just want to make sure you get it all out there on the table so it can be addressed. Plan on spending an hour to hour and a half here and no drinking prior to our session." We made an appointment for the following Wednesday right after work.

I spent the weekend going over my list. I listed every issue I could think of at first and then went back and started getting specific, taking out all the duplicates. I went from three random pages to one full page. I must have read it over and over a couple dozen times; hell, I could probably recite the final list in my sleep. Tuesday night I added one more item and I was ready.

Wednesday I was on pins and needles the entire day. At one point I wished I'd taken the day off but figured I would have been so worked up by five- thirty I would have been useless. I had the list in my inside suit pocket when I walked into Dr. Russell's main office, no Sandy. I checked in and sat there fidgeting for the better part of ten minutes before he came out of his office.

"Steve, I'm glad you made it. Are you ready for this?" he asked.

"Doc, I'm not sure but let's do it anyway," I said following him into his office. Sandy was already there.

She had gained some weight back but was still pretty thin. Her long brown hair was now cut just above the shoulder and she was wearing bangs for the first time since I've known her. A long sleeve shirt, jeans and open toed sandals rounded out her outfit. My mouth was dry, my hands were sweating and my legs felt weak. I sat in the chair across from Sandy and thank God there was a bottle of water on the table in front of me.

Dr. Russell was talking to both of us but I didn't hear a word he was saying, my eyes were glued on Sandy. She never returned my gaze but it didn't matter. I heard him call out my name two times before it finally registered and I snapped out of my stupor.

"Steve, if you've got your list, why don't we start," he said. Now all eyes were on me.

I reached into my coat fumbled with my list before unfolding it and finally getting it ready. The world stopped. I could see, I could feel my lungs pumping air into my body, I could feel my heart beating wildly but I couldn't move. The list had fallen from my hands and was now lying on the floor by my feet. I heard him ask me once, twice, Steve are you are all right? But I wasn't. I don't know what I was at that moment but I wasn't all right.

"Why?" the word finally snuck out from between my lips. It was horse, soft but understandable. "I don't understand, why?" I said before trying to swallow something that was now caught in my throat, my heart.

I saw her eyes get red, tear up and watched her lips quiver as she mouthed the words, "I'm sorry."

I don't want your damn apology, the voice in my brain screamed out. I want answers; I want to know fucking why? How could you do this to me? To us? I wanted an answer; no, every fiber in me needed an answer to that question. I sat there like a store mannequin waiting for her to reply.

"I let it get out of control and when I finally realized it, I couldn't put the genie back in the bottle," she said with her body leaning towards mine. "Life got hard and I finally realized you couldn't fix it for me. Grass was something I'd done for years and it wasn't any big deal. It was something like a reward for doing something good but after a while I started to depend more and more on it to bridge the not so good moments. Lisa was a little colicky, work started to spiral out of control and money was too tight for my comfort level; as I said a joint or two got me over the hump."

"Lisa, I saw it and I brought it up more than a dozen times, but all you did was to tell me you could handle it; but I guess couldn't."

"Steve, you were too straight laced to understand what I was going through. If you have a problem you solve it right then and there and move on to the next issue. If you want a beer you have one but you stop after that. You wanted one but you've never needed one. You're a lot stronger willed than I am so it's hard for you to understand how someone can let something take over their life."

"Sandy, I was always there for you. You didn't even need to ask, I was always offering my help but you shut me out. How do you think I felt knowing you were floundering and you wouldn't grab my hand when I offered it over and over again? After the hundredth time I could just watch as you struggled in the water. I pulled my hand back. I watched you go under once and then twice but by that time all you could do is stare at me through your dazed eyes sinking lower and lower. I guess I gave up but you had given up months earlier."

"Steve, don't you understand, you couldn't save me, no one could but me and only after I was as low as I could get. The morning you found me in the bathroom I'd just about hit bottom. I didn't have a clue where I'd been for the last two days and I guess I didn't even care. I hadn't eaten a meal in I don't know how long but whatever I had in my stomach was coming up whether I wanted it to or not. I saw you come in and at that point I still didn't want your help but finally realized I needed it or I was done. Somewhere back in my mind I knew what I'd done to get the money to buy drugs, but it still wasn't real to me. Steve, I did whatever I had to, to get what I needed. I didn't think of you, Lisa or anything else; I just needed to stay up there where life was good and where no one wanted anything from me."

"So in other words being a crack whore didn't bother you? Didn't you ever look back and wonder about us?"

"Steve. I didn't care anymore and I sure as hell wasn't thinking about you or anyone else or I wouldn't have been doing what I was on the street. I was just doing everything in my power to satisfy a burning need that never went away; that is until that morning. I think I finally realized that if I left the house that morning I'd never be back and a small part of me didn't want that. I think you finally shocked me into doing something but I can still see the anger in your eyes just like it was there that morning. I guess I can say I'm sorry but I think it's gone beyond that."

I started to say something but stopped mid-sentence. It would have been something hurtful coming out of the anger I still had burning a hole in my stomach. She sat there crying, grabbing for the box of tissues that the doctor was handing her. Dr. Russell asked if she wanted to continue but she just shook her head no.

"Steve, we still have a few minutes left, is there anything else you want to ask your wife?"

My wife? I guess she still was even though I hadn't thought of Sandy in that way in a long time. When I looked at Lisa I would think of Sandy but only as her mother, I hadn't thought of her as my wife in many months. To me she was just someone who stopped in every once in a while to make me miserable and who I'd have to address sooner or later, but was hoping for much later.

"Sandy, what the hell do you want?" I said probably way too loud and I know without any sympathy in my voice.

"I want to get better. I can't go forward or think about tomorrow until I take care of myself first because if I don't, I don't have a tomorrow."

"What are we looking at, a week, a month, a damn year? Can you give me some type of time line?"

"Steve, let me answer that one the best way I can," Dr. Russell, said readjusting himself on his chair so he could look directly at me. "Sandy has make great strides over these last six months, but she's not cured, she never will be. She's like an alcoholic. She can't take even one drink without risking a relapse. She's done well so far, but she hasn't been in the real world and she's not ready for that just yet. What you ask, I don't have an answer for. All she can do is to take it one day at a time and be thankful she survived another day. Right now we're looking at short-term goals. Sandy's got long term ones, but we're trying to stay focused on the short term ones for the moment."

"In other words, after all you just told me, you don't have a clue yourself; other than to tell me she's moving forward. It could be a year or maybe never?"

"That's about the size of it Steve," he said looking over at Sandy who looked physically as well as emotionally drained. "You'll need to decide at some point if you're in it for the long haul, and I do mean the long haul. I'm not going to say it's going to be easy but it will be easier if you try to do it as a family instead of individually."

Thank God, our time was up. I don't think I could have stood anymore of his good news. He told us that he'd see us both back here next Wednesday and to call him if we had any question before then looking directly at me, looking, I guess for any insight into what I was thinking. Hell, I didn't even know what I was thinking after all that. I just wanted to go home, have a beer and hold my daughter.

Sandy looked at me with a million questions in her eyes, but mine had no answers for her.

"Do you want to go out and get a bite to eat?" Sandy asked almost pleading with me.

"Not right now, I need time to think and digest what went on today, maybe later. I think I'll just grab Lisa and go home."

"Thank you for coming, it meant a lot to me," she said hoping at least for a favorable reaction from me; she got none.

"I guess I'd better get going, I still need to fix something for Lisa for dinner," I said with a faint smile. "We'll talk," is all I said as I walked out of the office. 'We'll talk' didn't say when or about what but it did leave me an out.

Sandy's parents had already fed Lisa by the time I'd picked her up which was a relief. I wasn't hungry; I must have stared for ten minutes at the opened refrigerator and freezer before closing it. Two Corona's later it was bedtime for Lisa. After two chapters from her favorite story, The Night Before Christmas, it was a kiss on the head and lights out.

I now hated the nights. There was nothing of interest on any of the hundred and fifty something channels, well for me anyway. I thought about calling Connie until I looked at the clock and saw it was close to nine-thirty. She had her own life and problems; she didn't need to hear about mine tonight. I thought a shower would relax me but it didn't. I lay in bed doing my best to fall asleep but failing miserably. The last time I looked at my clock it was two-seventeen but the alarm brought me back to reality. Life went on, or I think it did.

Work was slow and I found myself taking more than a few afternoons off. I replaced my car with a sportier one; nothing fancy just something new, I needed a change. Lisa and I had dinner with Connie and Debby a couple of times and was happy for her when she said that she and her husband were going to take another shot at it. I talked; she listened and tried to give me a little insight. My only constant was Lisa.

I still went to our weekly Wednesday afternoon sessions. Sometimes I talked about where I was at but mostly I just sat there, listened and gave a little feedback if something struck a nerve, and I found that most things did.

"Steve, have you had sex with anyone since you and Sandy have been separated?" I shook my head no. "Have you thought about it?"

"Yes, I've thought about it a number of times," I replied.

"Why haven't you gone ahead then? Would you consider it cheating? Or maybe just satisfying a need," he asked me.

"I don't know why I haven't, I guess I haven't given it much thought," I said looking at the two of them. "And I guess technically it would be cheating but at this point I don't have much of a marriage left."

I don't know if I said that to hurt Sandy or at least piss her off but it didn't seem to affect her much. There were no more tears, no fidgeting or even an apology anymore; she just looked at me without blinking.

"Do you think Sandy cheated on you when she slept with all those men?"

I told him yes looking directly at Sandy. "What would you say if I told you that Sandy didn't think she was cheating on you? Don't misunderstand me, she felt it was wrong, it's just that she didn't look at it as cheating."

I looked at him first and then at Sandy.

"This I've got to hear," I said loudly with a hint of sarcasm as I folded my arms in front of me.

"Steve, I look at cheating as going to bed with someone intentionally; planning it and then knowingly doing it behind your back. What I did with all those men wasn't intentional and half the time I didn't even remember doing it. And if you're interested, I have been checked out and remarkably I never caught anything. Look, I didn't plan it; they were just a means to an end. I didn't get any pleasure from it, all I got was money to support my habit; that's all."

"That's all? That's all?" I screamed. "You nonchalantly tell me you were selling your body on the street and you don't think it was cheating? What do you call it? A fucking lapse in judgment?" I yelled as Dr. Russell tried to calm me down. "Jesus fucking Christ Sandy aren't you even the littlest bit remorseful? Do you have any idea what it did to me? Do you even fucking care in that spaced out brain of yours?" I guess I kind of lost it but these were things I'd wanted to say forever and I finally got mad enough to say them. I was too angry to even wait for a reply. I stood up and stormed out as Dr. Russell yelled for me to sit down and relax.

Slirpuff
Slirpuff
4,277 Followers