How High a Price

Relax; how the fuck could I relax with the vision of Sandy selling herself on the street stuck in my brain. They were talking like it just happened and for me to just deal with it, no big deal right? Wrong! It was a big deal. I must have driven around the block three times before I went to pick up Lisa. Thank God Sandy wasn't there. Her mother could tell I was agitated so we said as few words as possible. I just grabbed my daughter and headed out. He was right, I needed to relax but that was going to be hard.

"Connie, I'm sorry to bother you tonight, but I need you to answer me one question for me will you?"

"Sure Steve, but are you all right?"

"Not really, but I need to know something. How did you handle your husbands cheating? I mean did you forgive him? Was he sorry?" I said babbling on and on.

"He said that he was sorry and that it really wasn't about the actual sex, it was more about how she made him feel. Did I forgive him? As much as I can for now. It's still way too new and raw to say that I totally forgive him. What I did tell him though, was that I was never going to forget what he did to our marriage and me. We may be able to rebuild it, but it'll never be what it once was, he killed that, at least for me. Why do you ask? Has something happened?"

"Had a rough counseling session today and I got mad and walked out. I was yelling at Sandy because I had heard enough of the mumbo jumbo bullshit they were throwing at me. My pain was and still is real. Telling me I need to move on and forgive isn't something I'm ready to do just yet."

"Take my word for it Steve, it's going to take time. You may eventually get there but you may not. You once told me that it might be a deal breaker. Only you can make that call, but you need to get it all out in the open and it looks like you've started on that path. Good luck is all I can tell you."

She told me to call her anytime and if I wanted to go out for a drink just to let her know.

"I've got a permanent baby sitter so any night would work for me; because the one thing he now knows, he fucks up once more it's all over but the crying," she said laughing. "And I hate to say it, I'm taking full advantage."

"As much as I'd love to, I need to work this out by myself," I told her. She told me not to be a stranger and to let her know what I finally decide. "I'll let you know as soon as I know myself, whenever that was."

I missed next week's session. I wasn't ready to face either one of them again just yet. I took Friday and Monday off and Lisa and I went on a mini vacation. We spent a couple of days in a small cabin, on a lake, with no phone, no television or radio to bother us; it was heaven. I spent Tuesday preparing for Wednesday's session. I wrote down the questions I needed answered and knew this time I wouldn't lose it; at least I hoped not.

I was thinking about stopping off for a drink before the session but thought better of it; I needed my head screwed on straight today.

They both looked at me when I walked in about two minutes late. I guess they weren't sure if I was ever coming back.

"I just want to apologize for my outburst last time, I guess I kind of let my anger get the better of me, it won't happen again."

"Well, I'm glad you decided to come back and I'd like to talk about a few issues," Dr. Russell started to say before I stopped him.

"When we started this a while ago, you asked me to make a list of all the questions I needed answers to. That first night I was a little out of it, but tonight I'd like to finish what we started, if that's all right?" I asked looking at the both of them.

"Steve, I'll answer any question as honestly as I can," was her response. So we began.

"I'm going to leave the tough one until the end, no use me getting angry and storming out at the beginning of the session," I said to the stone-faced two- some. "That was a joke," I said trying to lighten the mood up slightly.

"First question Sandy, how can I ever trust you again? You cheated, lied, stole from us; how can I be sure you won't do it again?"

"You can't, at least not yet. Steve, I'm nowhere yet cured and I wouldn't even trust myself a hundred percent, but I am trying as hard as I can. Maybe down the road I can prove to you that I can be trusted again but that'll be your call not mine."

"I guess that's a fair answer," I told her. "I know you moved up from grass but for how long and what else were you into?"

"I'd say for a solid six months that besides grass there was cocaine, crack, ecstasy and probably six different types of pills. I lost track the last month or two. I did and took whatever I could to get high," she said now getting a little more uneasy as the questions got harder.

"Besides your rings and watch, what else of ours did you sell? And is there any way of getting any of them back?"

"Steve, I sold them to fences on the street or anyone else who would give me a few bucks. I know a few of them, but they just passed on the stuff so the likelihood of us ever seeing any of it again is almost nil. The silver tea set we got for our wedding is gone, along with your high school ring and if you haven't already noticed, most of your power tools; sorry about that. Excluding the furniture, you put away anything of any real value, thank God, or I would have sold it all."

"Did you bring any of your druggie friends into our house and did you have sex in our bed with any of them?" I think I hit a nerve when I saw her wring her hands and take a few deep breaths before answering.

"Not a lot but a couple of times," she said as her eyes began to tear up.

"Which? Bringing them into the house or sleeping with them in our bed?"

"Both Steve. I never planned for it to happen, we just ended up in our bed. You had all ready moved to the spare bedroom so I knew you wouldn't notice. I'm so sorry Steve," she said but I didn't want to stop. I was on a roll and needed to finish my list.

"I suspected but at least now I know for sure and can drag that bed and mattress to the curb. Besides the bed, did you do it on any other piece of furniture?"

She pause for a minute, I guess she was almost afraid to answer that question. "All right, if that one is too tough, what piece of furniture didn't you soil in our damn house?"

Her eyes never met mine as she struggled for the right way to answer that question.

"Lisa's bed, the kitchen chairs," and then her voice just trailed off.

"I didn't hear you," I said trying to get her to look at me. "What did you say after the kitchen chairs?"

"Nothing, I said nothing after the kitchen chairs," she said annoyed that I made her repeat it.

"I guess I'm going to need help tonight to clean out our house of most of the fucking furniture."

"Steve, you don't need to throw out all your furniture," Dr. Russell tried to tell me.

"After knowing what I know now, do you think I could sleep in that bed or sit with Lisa on that couch knowing her mother was rutting with who knows how many men on it. It makes me sick to even think that I've been sleeping in a bed she'd soiled. Did you even have the courtesy to change the sheets when you were done?" I asked fully knowing the probable answer. "I thought not."

"I did a lot of horrible unspeakable things I'm not proud of but I'm trying. Damn it I'm trying," she shouted at me.

"Steve, let's finish this up. How many more questions do you have left?" Dr. Russell asked me.

"Just two more," I replied. "What would you say if I went out and had an affair right now? I guess affair is probably the wrong word to use, so let's just say I know someone who wants to jump my bones. Don't you think I would be justified to go out and screw the hell out of someone for let's say a couple of weeks? I guess you could call it something like a revenge fuck," I said to a now horrified Sandy.

Dr. Russell started to say something about doing that would be talking a step backwards, but I stopped him, saying that I wanted to hear what Sandy had to say.

I guess she was a little tongue-tied. I watched her start and then stop twice.

"I suppose I can see how you'd think I would deserve it, and it might make you feel better for a little bit to get a little revenge on me especially after what I put you through," she said stopping for a brief moment. "But Steve, I think I still know you pretty well, and you'd probably hate yourself afterwards, that is unless you've decided to move on without me. I wouldn't like it, to me it would be cheating and would probably end any chance we have left in trying to rebuild our marriage."

"With that said, it leaves me only one question left. Sandy, where do you see yourself going forward and what are you looking for?" I said crumbling up my list and tossing it into the trashcan by the side of his desk.

She didn't pause or take a breath but spit it right out.

"I want my life back, I don't want my old life back, but a new one with you and Lisa. The old Sandy always had a crutch, but the new Sandy can't afford to have one nor does she want one. I'm not saying it would be easy because of all the hurt I've caused, but I'm willing to do anything for another chance. I'll beg, but I won't sell or lose myself again. I did that once and that's why I'm where I am at today. I'll be the best wife and mother you'll ever find but I'm not perfect and if you're looking for a Stepford wife I'm not your girl. I want an equal partner who will talk to me but will also listen to what I have to say. Steve, I want to grow old with you and play with our grandbabies," she said now openly weeping.

"I think that quite enough for today," Dr. Russell said putting away his notes. "I think you have a lot to think about but I want to caution you not to make any rash emotional decisions," he told us. "I expect to see you both here next week," he said looking directly at me so I nodded at him.

We walked out together for the first time. "I'll see you at moms," she said getting in her car driving away. I just sat in mine. I had a lot to absorb and Dr. Russell was right, I couldn't afford to make a snap decision; there was too much riding on it not the least of which was Lisa.

It was almost forty-five minutes before I finally arrived at Sandy's moms.

"I thought you got into an accident when you didn't show up right after me," Sandy said opening the door.

"Just needed a little time to clear my head. Lisa ready?"

"Just finishing up dinner, you're more than welcome to sit down and have some, there's plenty."

"Not really hungry right now, I'll take a rain check though."

"Steve, I plan on getting her a new outfit and figure we can do a joint family get together if you don't have any objections."

"She all ready has a new outfit. We picked out together a couple of weeks ago but if you want to take her shopping, she'd probably like that."

I was glad Lisa bounded into the dining room right after that. I'd talked enough for one day and my brain needed a rest. We said our goodbyes and headed back to the house. Lisa gave me a list of what she wanted for her birthday. I'd better win the lotto is all I could think of.

Her party that weekend was tense but nice. Both sets of parents catered to her every need but had little to say to each other. Dad still called Sandy a fucking tramp even though mom had moved on and said everyone makes mistakes and only God should judge. For me, the jury was still out on what I was going to do.

Connie and I had just finished dinner and were waiting on dessert. I'm glad you called tonight, all I had was left overs and not much either. I told my husband he could warm them up in the microwave and to make sure Debby was in bed before eight. I kind of toyed with him telling him not to wait up, but I know if I don't come home until four in the morning he'll still be up. However, I do plan on having you smear my lipstick and mess my hair up slightly just to keep him guessing.

"Connie, I don't need an angry husband looking for me right now, even though you really look dynamite tonight.

You should have seen the look on his face when I told him about tonight, especially when I watched him sneak a few peaks while I got dressed. If you're interested, I'm wearing the tiniest thong they make and I don't even have a bra on; I did that especially for him. Don't worry Steve, I'll tell him, maybe tomorrow," she said with a wicked look in her eye. "From what you've told me, you've both laid your cards on the table, but you still don't need to make any decision yet."

"I know, but you're my impartial sounding board and you have recently gone through it. I can't say the situations were identical, but they were similar."

"A thousand miles apart. You two are who you are and my husband and I are who we are. I can't tell you what to do other than to tell you to follow your heart but only to a certain degree. If I weren't the forgiving type of person, my divorce would be finalizing in a couple of weeks. I still love the idiot, but I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. He's going to be on a short leash for a hell of a long time and one slipup and it's all over. I had him sign an agreement that if he strays again he gets nothing but gets to pay me alimony and child support; he can't afford to cheat again.

We finished our desserts, chocolate of course, and had a drink in the lounge. When the music started I asked her to dance and I did my best not to step on her feet. It felt nice to hold another person in my arms. Her hair smelled great and once I even let my lips brush up against her cheek and neck.

When the song stopped Connie looked at me and fanned herself with her hands.

"Steve, if you get any hotter I'm going to have to grab a hose and cool us both down. I'd love to take you upstairs and do you myself, but the only thing stopping me is I don't want to be a cheater like my husband. You need a woman and fast before you explode," she said finishing her drink and squeezing my hand. "Come on babes, take me home. I know one guy who's going to get lucky tonight." I'm sorry to say it wasn't me but I did wonder what Connie would be like in bed.

I woke Saturday feeling the best I had in a long while. After a full eight hours sleep I felt like I could take the world on, so I tried.

"Sandy, it's me," I said cautiously. "If you're not doing anything today, Lisa and I are planning a little outing and wonder if you'd like to come along?" I felt her lips come through the phone and kiss my cheek as Sandy said she'd love to. We went antique shopping.

There was an old section of town, filled with shops that catered to antiques and restorations. It was only three blocks long but still had about twenty shops lined up on both sides of the road. The ride was quiet until Lisa decided to ask her mom when she was moving back home and why didn't she like living with her and daddy. I said nothing awhile listening to Sandy try to explain how mommy was sick and needed to get well before she came home.

I really wasn't looking for anything in particular, I just needed an excuse to see her and try a casual family outing. How it happened I'm not sure. Whether it was Sandy or I initiating it, or it just happened because that's what we'd done forever; but it still happened. We were walking down one side of the street, looking in the windows when I felt it. It was warm, smooth and oh so soft. I looked down and then saw her eyes in the window as we both realized we were walking and holding hands. I guess my initial reaction was to pull away but I didn't and she didn't either. Neither one of us said a word as we watched Lisa press her nose to the glass looking at an old doll resting on a small rocking chair.

"Can we go in?" she asked.

"Sure honey," I said as she bolted inside finding her way to the widow display.

It wasn't a doll to play with but one you'd put on display, especially at five hundred and fifty dollars. While she looked at it, an upright dresser caught my eye. It wasn't huge and gaudy like most were, more smallish with detailed engraving; it was beautiful. I opened it, and got a whiff of that old musty smell antiques often have. I looked at the sales tag, fifteen hundred dollars. We walked around the shop looking at everything but really nothing, I was more aware of what our hands were doing than what was around us. We hit two more shop before stopping at a café for a light lunch. Lisa wanted that doll, but I let her mother do the dirty work of telling her no because it was too expensive.

We strolled through a shop with old refurbished doors; another with fireplace mantels and stair railings and finally a stained glass window shop, her hand never left mine. I don't know if it was a big deal to her, but it was a huge one to me. By now Lisa was tired of walking, getting a little cranky and it was way past naptime. I didn't ask, or say a word; I just drove to our house. Lisa had fallen asleep in her car seat so I carried her up to her bedroom and laid her down. We shut the door, leaving it open just a crack.

Sandy looked in both the master bedroom and spare room but said nothing. We went into the kitchen and I got us both a bottle of water from the refrigerator. She glanced around paying particular attention to the living room but still said nothing; there was nothing to say, the rooms were void of any furniture.

"I had a nice time today," she said smiling. "I'd forgotten what it was like to do something together as a family."

I smiled but didn't say anything. I took a sip of water and watched her eyes try to make her feeling known.

I didn't stop her when she reached out for my hand, nor did I breath when she pressed her forehead to mine and whispered that she was sorry. Sorry, that word had no meaning for me anymore. Everyone was sorry. She was sorry for doing it, me for having it done to me, her parents and mine; even the fucking shrink. Everyone was sorry but what good was that anymore?

We talked; we touched until Lisa woke up from her nap. I took us all out for dinner, not Chucky Cheese for once, and we finished up the night in front of her parent's house. I gave her a kiss on the cheek. I don't know if she expected more, but that's all I had in me at the time. It was time to move on one way or another. Staying where I was now was not working for me any longer.

It was Wednesday, two weeks after our last session. Sandy and Dr. Russell were talking about some bullshit item when I spoke up.

"I want to give it another shot. I want to sell the house, move some where else and try again,"

All right, I guess it shocked the hell out of them. I kind of expected Sandy to get all excited and jump for joy but she just sat there stunned. They both looked at me.

"Steve," he said in his low monotone voice that now made me want to scream at him, " I thought we talked about not making any emotional decisions and how we all needed time..." is all I let him get out before I stopped him.

"I can't do this any longer. I know what you're saying but it's not working for me. The house is going whether Sandy and I are together or not, that's a given. But I just can sit around week after week, month after month wondering if we'll ever get back together again. Hell, I know I'm taking a chance but I'm done, I can't go on another couple of months like this; I am moving ahead with or without her, I owe that much to myself."

"Steve, maybe we should setup some guidelines going forward," Dr. Russell said frantically making notes all the while looking at us.

"Well?" I said looking at Sandy.

"Steve, I'm scared. At mom's if I lose it, it's just me. Now you're asking for something I don't know if I'm ready for. Maybe in a month or two," she said now pleading with me.

"Sandy I don't have two months left in me. He said we'd have a better chance making it together than apart and I'm will to take that chance. We may try and fail miserably in a month or two, but I'm willing to take that chance. All I know is that I still feel something for you and I'm willing to give it my best shot; but I can't do it with you across town hiding away."