How I Met Caesar

Chet was right; he was acting way too drunk for the amount of beer that he had consumed. It was the middle of the afternoon on a Wednesday and the bar was mostly empty. As a matter of fact, he was the only customer

As I wiped a clean glass cleaner, I said, "So, tell me a story."

"Man, you don't want to hear it." was his sad reply.

"Sure I do. I'm a professional bar tender and listening to my fiends is what I do best. I'll set up a cold one and you tell me about life. Ok?"

"The kids are out of control, the boss hates my guts and even the dog is a pain in the ass."

Now, he had left out any reference to his wife. That fact alone seemed interesting. He had a wedding ring on his left hand and to my way of thinking; there was also a MAJOR problem with the wife.

"Tell me about your kids." Was my soft reply.

His face lit up as he talked about their two children. They seemed to be a great source of pride. He went on for several minutes. I finally cut him off with my question.

"What makes you think your boss hates you?"

"He sends me out of town on shit jobs that our entry level personal can handle."

I could tell that his suit was not cheap and the shirt and tie indicated a higher level of pay than I get. Once again I slid an open ended question at him.

"Tell me about your dog."

"Family dog, we got it for the kids. They love it but don't seem to realize that if it eats, it shits. They feed it and I get to clean up the back yard. I hate the smell of dog shit.

It runs wild ever where in the house, yard and neighborhood. It won't come when called and nobody else but yours truly will go out and chase the damn thing home.

My wife always tells me to go get the dog before it gets hurt and upsets the kids. She'll never go get the damn thing."

I went for the jugular, "Is your wife sleeping with your boss of her boss?"

His eyes teared up. I had hit the nail on the head.

"I don't know."

"Damn! Sorry man. That sucks!"

"She always works late, over time, on Tuesday, She's got the just fucked after glow and we never have sex on Tuesday or Wednesday. She's always too tired.

It's like living with a room mate. She's nice and cordial, but nothing in the fun and sexy department like she used to be a few years back.

Friday is family night and most often I can get a quickie after the kids go to bed. That's the extent of our sex life. Hers is probably considerably more."

"Seems pretty circumstantial to me, how long has the Tuesday thing been going on?" I asked.

"About four months now, maybe longer. I just became acutely aware about three/four months ago. And it's actually every other Tuesday."

He squeezed his orange slice into the golden brew in his glass and continued.

"She has a new laptop that she carries with her to work. She never did that before. When she's home she locks it in the trunk of her car.

That is HER new car. I don't even have access to a spare set of keys. She told me I didn't need to use HER car.

All of this has happened about three/four/five months ago."

"If she's working overtime, does her paycheck reflect that?" I quized.

"Her pay is direct deposited and she gets the mail during the day before I get home. I've never even seen an enveloped let alone a pay stub."

"She works part time 9:30 AM to 3:00 pm so she can be home when the kids get there. And she can get them off in the morning. She's great with the kids. She takes them to their sports events, bakes cupcakes for their fund raisers and shuttles a lot of the neighborhood kids too. Except on Tuesday."

"What about her cell phone call history and billing?"

"I would have to pry it out of her cold dead hand. Plus she does all of the bills so I would have to ask her were the bills were. She's always home when I leave and when I get back after work. I would have to search the house while she was at the grocery store."

I asked, "Do you file income taxes together or separately?"

"We've always filed jointly as married. This year she wanted to file separately."

"Do you E-file, have an accountant or paper file?"

"I'm an accountant so we've always E-filed. I'm sure she did too. Probably on her new lap top.

I am sooo fucked! I talked with one of the guys in the office and he just went through a similar situation with his ex. He caught her cheating; she divorced him and went with the new dick.

She got the house, custody of the kids, child support until the kids are eighteen and separate maintenance for two years. He gets to pay for all of that.

He now lives in a small two bedroom apartment and sees his kids every other weekend and when the ex-wife will let him. Translate that; when she needs a baby sitter."

"Welcome to no fault divorce." I commented.

"I don't want a divorce because I'll wind up an alternate weekend dad and have to pay her to screw around with her new fuck buddy while living in my house.

I think I still love her, I just don't know what to do."

He looked me right in the eye as a tear rolled down his cheek.

"I know what you need to do. It'll cost you time and money and you still may still just windup a weekend dad. But I think it's better than just rolling over and letting her stick it to you up the ass."

"What do I need to do?" he asked with a beaten

down voice.

"My advice is free if you take it. It'll cost you cash if you don't."

"Let me get this straight, if I take your advice it's free, right?

I nodded my head for, "yes".

"If I don't take your advice I have to pay you money?"

"Yup. Pretty simple. You want an example?"

He chuckled a bit and said, "Ok give me an example."

"Alright, here's a truly free example. Step number one, you hand me a hundred dollar bill next Thursday and I will advise you to walk twenty minutes every day.

Now at the end of two weeks, if you have walked twenty minutes every day, I'll give you the same bill back."

"So I have to deposit a C note with you to do what I should be doing for myself anyway?"

"Yup." I smiled and he smiled back at me.

"Your on." as he pulled five twenties, (Federal Reserve notes) out of his wallet and put them on the counter.

I left the money on the counter and went into the office and returned with a legal size envelope.

I sealed the bills into the white enclosure and handed him a pen.

"With your left hand, write you name on the back of the envelope where the flap is sealed.

After he followed my instructions I held up the writing and tried to read it.

"You can't write worth shit with your left hand. What the fuck does that say?"

"Caesar O'Rilley. Don't give me any guff about my name. My mom teaches English Lit and she loved Julius Caesar. Might be worse, I could be named Julius. And then my favorite color would be orange."

That was the second smile that I had seen on his face that day.

"I'm Alex, Alex Bell."

I offered a hand shake and received a hearty one back.

"Good thing your mom didn't like steam engines, you could have be named Lackawanna ."

"I've no idea what the heck you're talking about."

Click n drag on Lackawanna , Ctrl-c, open a new browser window, and paste it into the GOOGLE search box, press enter then select a web site that deals with old time steam engines.

The next Wednesday he was again the only one sitting at the bar.

I asked him, "Caesar, did you walk every day?"

"Yup! Sure did. I actually feel pretty good because of that. And, I want my Jacksons (money) back."

"You're well on your road to earning it but one more week. Today you need to pony up $200 bucks for the second bit of free information."

"Do I get a free beer?" He asked.

"Hell no! Advice is free! Beer costs money."

We did the envelope trick again with the $200 dollars. I gave him the phone number of his first contact. And his secret code word.

"Caesar, call this number and when the lady answers, give her the code word and follow her directions."

He finished his beer and ordered another but I told him to go and make a phone call. I told him that his life is about to get better.

The next Thursday he came in and chuckled as I set a frosty Blue Moon in front of him.

"Jeeze Alex, you sent me to a dog trainer?"

"Yup. Do you like Vicky."

"Yes. She's a jewel. By the end of the first hour she had me trained better than the damned dog!"

"Did you walk all week?"

"Yup. I think I've earned my hundred back."

"I agree. I'll get it."

I went back into the office and retrieved the envelope with the money sealed inside and handed it to Caesar. He stuck the unopened envelope into his inside jacket pocket.

He drank his one beer and said, "I've got an appointment with Vicky at the dog park. I'll se you next week."

"Next week it's three hundred."

"Wow! Price's going up. You sure this isn't just a con game?"

"I'm sure it isn't a con game. We'll talk about that some time, Ok?"

THE NEXT WEEK

"How's things with Vicky and the dog?"

"She, Vicky, is great! According to her, there's nothing wrong with the dog, just the family.

Did you know that she has a kid in college?"

"No. She somehow doesn't look old enough" I replied.

To be truthful I had never seen Vicky so my bluster worked.

"How's the home life now?"

"Actually it's much better. The dog minds, the kids like the dog better than ever and even the wife mentioned how much better Daisy behaves.

The kids and I have started a new Tuesday evening outing adventure and they love it. That was a suggestion of Vickie's. It was suggested as a chance for the three of us to bond without their mom.

If Denise is going to bail on the marriage I need to get as many good times in with them as I can.

So far she hasn't said anything about our Tuesday evening sojourns. I think she's just glad that we aren't setting home watching the clock waiting for her return"

"How is your stress level now compared to last month?" I asked.

Well, first of all I thought you were full of spaghetti O's when you made me the free advice offer. I've continued walking so I feel better and the first hundred bucks is yours as a tip for stetting me on the right path."

He handed me the original envelope back and it had been unopened. I smiled nodded and accepted the envelope.

"The two hundred dollar envelope is going to be used to pay for dog, or should I say family training, because now the dog is no longer a thorn in my side. Let me rephrase that, the dog makes me look good in front of the kids. It was worth every cent I spent on dog training.

And I really like Vicky. She asked me about the family and I spilled my guts out to her. She sure is easy to talk with."

THE LIST

I had handed Caesar a two page list of questions about his wife. He brought it back the next week and only about half of the answers were filled in.

"We need to get the rest of the answers to the questions on the list." I said.

"I never realized how little I actually knew about my wife and her daily schedule. How do I get those answers? And, why do we want to know all of that stuff about her?"

"You want to know how she spends her time on Tuesday evening. Right?"

"Yeah," he replied. He kind of nodded, but not actually.

"We need to know what happens before and after Tuesday eve. That'll give us a better picture.

I'm going to give you another phone number and a code word. You call this number and when he answers, just give him the code word just like you did with Vicky. Then follow his instructions.

Got It?"

"How much is this going to cost me?" He smiled.

"You're still on the 2 hun." I smirked.

"See ya next Thursday,"

He was laughing when he came in.

"What an eye opener! Garren had me put several small wireless cameras inside the house and garage. As soon as the kids leave she goes right to her lap top and spends about thirty minutes on it.

I know that she putters in the kitchen with her coffee and the lap top until it's time for her to get dressed for work."

"I changed the position of the kitchen camera and now I have her log in passwords. And I found where she keeps her spare car key. It was hidden in plain sight, almost.

I also found that what she wears to work on Tuesday morning is not the same outfit that she returns home wearing. She leaves for work looking like a sailor's dream and comes home in almost goodwill clothes.

God Damn it all! I think my marriage is circling the damn drain and there's nothing that I can do about it!"

I put my hand on his shoulder and said,

"Hang on; don't cash in your chips just yet. We really haven't gotten our info gathering up to speed yet.

Let's wait until we see what Garren has for us before you start moving you out into a tiny apartment.

Did Garren get her lap top?"

"I hope so. When we went out on family Friday I left the garage walk in door unlocked as well as the trunk of her car. When we got back home I just locked her trunk and the garage door. I haven't heard from him, so, like I say, I hope so."

He nodded slightly and we started looking over the answers to the questions on the list.

"She works at a secure location?"

"Yeah the company that she works for has some techno secrets for their product and the 30 acre site is fenced off and controlled access 24/7.

There's no way we can just drive by and see if her car or any other car is in the parking lot."

"You're correct, but every parking lot empties out onto a public street. Here's another phone number and code word. This one will cost you some cabbage up front. He's a private investigator."

"Shit! I already know she's cheating on me. Why do I need to spend more money just to find out the details?"

"My friend, the devil is in the details. Trust me on this one."

"You haven't always been a bartender have you?" he asked.

"No" I replied.

"Well? What?" he asked.

"Well, at this point we only suspect her of cheating. Everything that we've seen is just as easily explained by some innocent happenings.

Her smiling while on the 'puter could just be joke of the week. She could be e-mailing her sister or a friend.

The clothing change might just be the result of some spilled coffee."

"You're right, but damn it don't all of those little things add up?"

"Yes they do. But we don't know what they add up to. Yet."

Three weeks later

"Caesar my friend, the results are in and the beer is cold."

"That sounds like good news. I could use some."

"I've read Garren's report and so far there is no evidence to indicate that she is having an affair during the time that she is at work on Tuesday or any other day.

At this point we must give her the benefit of the doubt. You have to choose a path that is good for you, the kids and hopefully better times with your wife as part of the family.

That path will be something that keeps you out of a small apartment and being a weekend dad. Can you live with that?"

"I want that, but I've still got this gut feeling that something is wrong. This whole thing just makes me nauseous."

"We're not going to give up. Your gut may be right on. Talk to your buddy at work and see if he is still happy with his confronting his cheating wife. Remember that he has a perspective that you do not.

Another question for you is will your life be better off in two months or three years if you don't confront her."

"Shit Alex, does that mean that they just continue fucking on Tuesday and nothing else happens to either of them?"

"An assumption! We don't know what is happening Tuesday eve!"

"If you confront her and she is cheating, the chances are pretty good that she will just deny, deny, deny. Remember you haven't got a single shred of evidence."

"Jesus, if she is cheating now she's being so damn careful that we can't find any evidence! SHIT!!"

"Exactly! That is why you cannot confront her. That could also backfire. If she isn't cheating she will know for sure that you do not trust her. I think confronting her now is a very lose/lose situation.

Let's just dial up the Tuesday heat a bit."

"What do you mean?" he asked

"Increase the wow factor on Tuesday night."

"Talk with Vicky and see if she can come up with something that fits that bill. Right now you are in the driver's seat and you need to crate as much good will with your kids as possible. You want to attract your wife back to the family.

Just like training the dog, you want to be in calm control. Be a bit illusive. Don't tell her everything. Let the kids bubble over with some information so that it doesn't come from you."

I wiped the bar and continued,

"Your immediate task is to be able to act normal and do what is best for you and your kids."

He agreed with a grin and a head nod. He finished off his beer and waved as he walked out the door.

THE NEXT WEDNESDAY

As I served him his usual I said, "Ok, you're grinning like a Cheshire cat. Tell me all about it Caesar."

"Well you said to dial up the wow factor, so Vicky and I came up with, what we thought, was a great Tuesday adventure for me and the kids.

I took them out of school and we chartered a float plane out of Lake Union and flew to the San Juan Islands.

I have a client in Roch Harbor so the water landing was spectacular.

I visited my client for a bit then the kids and I explored some of the island. Then we flew back and overdosed on pizza."

He took a sip of beer and continued.

"The kids were bubbling over when we hit the house. They were high on adventure and pizza so it took a bit too finally get them settled and into bed.

Denise sternly asked me later 'What were you thinking taking the kids out of school without even asking me'?"

My reply was simple, "Hey, you have told me several times not to call you on Tuesday unless it's an emergency. Well, there was no emergency, and I had to go see a client.

I hoped the kids would enjoy a get out of jail free card from school and well as an unusual airplane ride."

"Wow and double wow!" That was all that I could say. "This kind of ups the ante from dinning at the waterfront and riding the big wheel."

"Yup. She kind of alluded to the possibility of doing something fancy like that on Friday nights. No way was I going to include her while she spends her Tuesday evening fucking some other guy!"

"Don't be too hasty, we don't have any proof of that yet. Remember, innocent until we get proof. We still must continue doing what is best for you and the kids.

Remember, if you two divorce the courts will ask the same question, 'What is best for the kids'.

The part that is different is that you, Caesar, are left out of the question. They only care about your ability to pay for what they think is best for your kids.

They always go with the wife, mother unless she is into kiddy porn or a card caring al-Qaeda member.

I've never heard of a guardian ad litem rejecting a mother for primary custody just because she's fucking around. Oh, and you get to pay for the guardian ad litem too."

I wiped the bar and continued,

"Garren says the computer data did not reveal anything significant. No evidence of an affair and no smoking gun. So unless something comes up, follow Vicky's advice and live a good life with the kids and work with your wife.

She may just need some time to come around. When was her last physical?"

Caesar shook his head and shrugged in ignorance.

"Also, we'll keep an open mind to your feelings and one more important thing. Start stashing cash away in a coffee can in the back yard. In the event we missed something. Make like a Boy Scout and be prepared."

We shook hands and he walked out the door.

ALMOST A MONTH LATER

I had not seen Cesar for over a month so I was pleased to see him slide onto a bar stool that afternoon.

He smiled, and ordered his usual Blue Moon.