tagHumor & SatireHow Many Times Is Normal?

How Many Times Is Normal?

byEgmont Grigor©

Twenty-three females and a male braved the wind and rain on the wind-swept desolate west coast of Barren Island to hear the public lecture by visiting sex therapist, Dr Camille Hunter.

A celebrated feminist, lesbian and mother of four, the charismatic 43-year-old draws huge crowds wherever she speaks on the international lecture circuit – but the small town of Windy Bay is not on the circuit.

The sex expert was home visiting her mother and had been persuaded to present an admission-free exposé on male sexuality. However, most of the island's good people and the bad preferred instead to go to a bar or to stay home and watch either 'Cooking with Jules' or 'Hot Chicks Mud Wrestling' on television beamed across from the Mainland.

Camille looked quite chic, dressed in a gold lame trouser suit and with a wide green headband to keep the glorious waves of chestnut flicking her flint green eyes.

Her opening greeting, "Howdy, folk – been getting your share?" was greeted with embarrassed tittering. In this community, sharing details about sexual activity is quite unusual.

According to Camille, the three great questions hanging over the world today are:

Was there a Big Bang and if not, what did happen?

When cometh Armageddon?


How often is normal?

"Well, folks. Would you care to give me your views on how often is normal? This is the only one of those perplexing questions I am qualified to discuss with any credibility."

An elderly woman in the front row, Mrs Peters, called out, "I've forgotten."

Liz, her daughter, blushed and helped to ease her mother's embarrassment by saying, "Once of month."

"Any ups or downs on that?" asked Camille slyly, but humour is thinly spread on Barren Island where Dour actually is a family name.

"Twice a week and thrice on pension pay-out week that is the last week of the month," said Mrs Dour. "Extra income coming into the home seems to make my Freddie more frisky."

"You sir?"

"Twice a night but it's rather rude of you to ask," snorted Stewart Hart, school headmaster.

"Hmmm," murmured the disbelieving Camille, looking at the near retiring age educationist, who flushed under her scrutiny."

"Well, less frequently," he admitted.

"Right, that gives us an idea, so let's examine the question. 'How often is normal.'

"My husband will come to bed randy after watching an adult hire DVD and we have sex; this happens once a month, and he's happy and I'm happy. Yet, I have two girl friends that would pound, finger, and toy away at me all night if I were agreeable; they are insatiable, and only steop when keeling over from exhaustion.

"Is that healthy? I think not; excessive behaviour rarely is."

Camille said she wanted to ask another question.

"Please answer this one in two bites – How long does your partner say his dick is and how long do you think it is? I mean when it's fully erect."

Mrs Peters: What's a dick?

Her daughter Liz: Eight inches but I reckon perhaps just six.

Stewart Hart: Mine measures seven so naturally I think it's seven.

Polly Prentice: Ian claims six inches but I think it's only four; it barely gets to the back of my mouth.

Lucia Peron: It feels like ten inches, especially when it's in ….um…the secondary channel; but he claims only seven and a half.

Mrs Dour: Some years ago when my Duncan was hit by lightning and got an erection; he reckoned it reached six inches when it was belching sparks and smoke, but five would have been my guess.

Molly Wyoming: My bloke says two, and I think that's about right. There's very little difference whether it's hanging or stiff and he has trouble finding it on cold nights.

Pip Street: Rex my brother boasts ten inches, but he's always been a liar. It goes into me so easily I could take as much again, so I'd think five or six inches, but really it's thickness and the way it's used that counts.

"There you go, everyone," declared Camille.

"Pip's hit it on the head. Men are tossers with their fixation on length. Give me a shortish, thick one any day over a long slim Jim, or for that matter even a very long thick one. I like feeling it's there, but the over-bloated sensation that comes from excessive dimensions makes me puke, truly.

"Right, let's get on with it. The ideal size of a penis can be determined by answering how long is a piece of string and what thickness should it be.

"The reality is whatever it's size, if it's doing a good job it doesn't matter.

"If I were so lucky to be getting reamed twice a night or even every alternative night, I would be very pleased to know the visiting dick was six inches or a bit less and that my thumb and first finger could comfortably encircle it – when it's outside my vagina, I mean.

"So I attempt to answer the age old question, how often is normal?"

"If you want figures, think three times a week if you're forty or under; twice weekly if you're under fifty-five but beyond that age keep praying that you'll keep on getting lucky occasionally into the decades ahead.

"But who wants to be normal? None of us, I suspect.

"Those of you whose sex drive is zero or approaching it may well be happy with a birthday night visitation. Other keen to keep up a hot pace– though I doubt where are any on this island – may look at a ram and ewe as their role models. Perhaps even a buck and doe, heaven forbid!"

Camille then mentioned the man who invented masturbation – one of the first males to inhabit the planet, he was simply trying to keep his penis warm at nights.

"Fortunately that chance discovery, which incidentally wasn't God-given, and its development of the female version, have provided mankind with the mechanism to adjust to an inability to secure orgasms in satisfactory frequency from a second person or a third, fourth or whatever.

"I believe men who think penis size is everything have an infertile imagination.

"There are many, many more rewarding things in life to think about. I submit not many women ever think about the length of their vagina or whether a new bloke's dick will fit in their mouth.

"Women are practical. I believe their attitude is likely to be, 'Let's try it, and let's find out together – but just go easy, huh?'

"Wonderful, isn't it, similar to the attitude of those early arrivals who made America great, who were the women behind Churchill in World War 11, the hand-maidens who helped to push Cleopatra into the pages of history. Ending this thought about the flexibility and leadership qualities of women, guess who will be the first to take pioneering Martians into their bodies when the terrestrial visitors announce, in broken English, 'Earthlings, we cum in peace'?"

Later, ending her presentation, Camille called for questions.

Mrs Peters: I've forgotten what the answer was?

Liz, her embarrassed daughter aware that her mother was ninety percent away with the fairies: What is the rule about who takes responsibility for protection?

"Well, young lady, if you are both steaming hot and then ease back to debate whether protection is necessary, who's got it and who's going to fit it, swallow it or roll it on – that covers most of the options – then I think your chances of having passionate sex are rather unlikely.

Mrs Peters:

I seem to remember that it's passion that stimulates sex between two people.

Camille: Exactly my point.

Mrs Peter: Women don't have penises.

Camille: Moving on, next questions please?

A nervous young woman introducing herself as Jane, asked if it were best to have a bath before sex or after such activity.

"It's a matter of choice, and I might add some participants don't bath or shower beforehand or until next morning. Personally I shower before and after, as that suit's me. I like to be freshly washed when being licked all over my body."

Another woman who didn't give her name said her problem was her partner wanted sex more often than she did. She thought she lacked sex drive.

"What should I do – take sex drugs?"

"Perhaps but you'd need to consult your doctor about that and you may be referred to a specialist. But first try to remodel your attitude.

"You know many people only have to think sex and they want to copulate immediately. So you ought to try thinking positively about it, perhaps learning to be a little provocative with your man.

"You could also close your eyes and think of the times he and his penis does things to you that really get you off and touching yourself gently to stimulate these thoughts.

"You know, we take many things for granted. I've had women ask me what can they do to encourage their man to have sex with them. It sounds like an unusual problem, but it exists quite widely, I can tell you.

"I say to those people, 'Have you ever asked him outright to have sex with you? The look on their faces is unforgettable; as if they've just been handed the key to the Kingdom. Sexual relations are about as simple or as complicated as the participants wish make them.

"Right, may I have a final question?"

Biddy Grasso: If I allow my husband to have anal sex with me, will that mean I won't go to heaven?

"Well, if that is the price to be paid, then a lot of us won't get through the Pearly Gates. I guess this request comes up each year on his birthday and/or Christmas morning?"

Biddy nodded, and said on his birthday.

"Well, all I would suggest is don't do it if you're not relaxed about it. Perhaps you could try it when away on holiday – just to see what you're missing, if anything. Just take it easy.

"Lastly, if you don't get into heaven because you do anal, guess what you may be doing in that alternative place!

"Remember everyone, the best position for sex is the last number in your repertoire, whether it be Position 5 or 121 – you become so eager to get back to Position 1 to begin working through to your favourite numbers again.

"Being active in life is good for us all, so please keep in mind to join a good orgasm when appropriate.

"Good night, and safe sex on your arrival home."


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