tagHow ToHow to Give Expert Sexual Advice

How to Give Expert Sexual Advice


Was reading someone's sex blog the other day and something struck me as kind of strange. A gentleman had emailed this woman and asked "Why do so many women today shave their genitalia?"

It's an interesting question... but... uhhhh...

Wait a minute! Did I miss the part where sex bloggers became the next designated Dear Abby?

It made me wonder how many emails like this she gets - and perhaps others like her, as well, who have established sex blogs. Do people really believe that having a sex blog makes you an expert sexual advice giver? Some magical keeper of sexual knowledge?

But people seem to assume that, too, when you write erotic fiction. I have received countless requests for relationship and sex advice -- but just what in the world makes them think I'm qualified to give it is beyond me!

One of my "I need advice" emails was from a nineteen year old girl. My first reaction was, "Oh my god, are nineteen year olds really reading this stuff?" EEK! Then I read her plea for help, and was sincerely moved by her plight. I remember being that awkward, unsure girl.

Am I doing this right? Does he like this? Do I like this? Do I even want to be doing this? Do I look fat? Does he think I look fat? What is he doing? Ouch! Should I tell him that hurts? Ohhhh, but that feels good. Wait, I'm forgetting about him! Was that noise he made a good noise? Does he like it squeezed hard like that, or did I hurt him? God, this is so fucking complicated!

Remember that?

This is a paraphrase of her letter:

I've read your stories and have a lot of respect for you and would value your advice. I just recently began seeing someone and everything is going well... but I have no confidence in the bedroom and can't seem to initiate. I'm afraid to say things - like telling him I'm on my period. And if I want to do something, like give him a blowjob, I feel like an idiot just doing it. I have no confidence in my technique. I think I'm afraid because he's 23 and I'm 19, and even though he's not a player, he's had girls. I know I'm less experienced. Any response would be appreciated. -S


How could I not respond to that?

So what if I'm not an "expert?" What makes someone an expert? I mean, who is Dear Abby, except some woman who thought she knew more than someone else about etiquette (and perhaps, basic common sense?)

If you have sex, and you write about sex, and you have a basic interest in it, and someone asks you for advice, believing you to be an expert - who are you to say you're not?

The basics of giving any good advice are twofold: make sure you have your facts straight and speak from your heart. Those are the only two things really required.

So if someone asks you, and you feel moved to respond, just keep those two things in mind and go for it! I did.

Here's how it all came out:


Dear S-

I'm no "Dear Abby" but I'll do my best. Here goes: Be honest.

Be yourself.

Love yourself.

It might sound corny, but it's the best advice I can give you.

You see, sexy is as sexy does... so all you have to do is FEEL sexy, and he will find you sexy. Enjoy what you're doing. And don't do anything you wouldn't enjoy! Honestly, you don't have to worry about your technique - if you like what you're doing, he will, too. If you want to give him a blowjob, then take your own pleasure in the feel of him in your mouth - make lots of yummy noises so he knows you like it.

For the feminine, initiating isn't about being aggressive -- it's about experiencing pleasure. The more you show him your own pleasure, the more he'll respond. Trust me on this one. So stop the running commentary in your head about Am I doing this right? Am I okay? Is he okay? Just take a deep breath, close your eyes, and let your body do what it wants, experience the moment, right there, as it is.

As for telling him about your period? Just be honest. Guys know we have periods. If you still want to be intimate, you can. Oral sex (for him) is an alternative. If he starts to put his hand between your legs, just say, "You might not want to go there - I've got my period." You can even still have intercourse if you feel up to it. The shower is the perfect place this time of the month. If you're still going out with him over a period (ha, pun intended) of time, you can develop a sort of code for this time of the month. I tell my husband, "Sorry, baby, the water's not safe for swimming." And I love it when I can say, "Yep, the water's safe for drinking again!" :)

The best thing you can do is relax and be who you really are with him. If you're afraid, or don't want to do something, say so. If you want something, ask. Don't pretend, don't try to be something you're not, don't fake anything. There's no need. You're beautiful, sexy, and built for pleasure, both giving and receiving. Believe it. If you do, he will, too.

And I really do hope that helped... a little, at least.


Maybe I should start my own advice column? Dear Selena...

Hmm... okay, maybe not. :)

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