tagHow ToHow To Live Life…Batteries Included

How To Live Life…Batteries Included


It's odd that everything we buy comes with instructions, but not us. Where are my instructions? Now that I'm here what do I do now? How the Hell am I going to get through life without instructions?

I'm used to reading instructions. I'm accustomed to taking out the instructions again and rereading them should I have a problem. Without instructions on how to live my life, I have no idea what I'm doing? Do you know what you are doing? How's your life going so far?

Am I living life large or am I living life small? I don't know. What have I done wrong and what have I done right? I don't know. How better can I live my life? Truly, I don't know.

It's impossibly difficult to live life without instructions, especially when you haven't lived life before and have absolutely no experience living life. Without having our own instructions, all that we can do is copy one another, which is what we all do now.

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know. I'm following him."

"Do you mind if I follow you?"

For those of you who were born in a hospital, did you receive an instruction booklet with your blanket when you left the hospital? Did anyone? It cost plenty of money to birth me and to raise me but, I suppose, like me, you didn't get a warranty either or a limited liability clause? I didn't even have a warning sticker plastered across my ass or directions for use tattooed on my forehead.

I didn't even come with a disclaimer. There was no bar code on my foot or inventory number on my palm. There was even one of those magnetic theft deterrents in my mouth that sounds the alarm should you run out the door with me before I was swiped across the hospital cashier's desk to make sure that my hospital bill was paid.

It sucks when you don't know what to do and you don't have an instruction booklet to reference. I wasn't even given a medical manual. I know, isn't that crazy? Without instructions, I don't know what I'm doing. I have no idea if what I have done already is standard in the human mainstream of life. Whatever the Hell that means?

Fortunately for me my doctor has a medical manual, I think, but then why does he refer to everything he says when discussing my medical problems as his diagnosis and not an actuality of fact. In the process of his medicinal cures, my doctor makes me as nervous as does my car mechanic when he tries one thing before he tries another and gives me one medication before replacing it with another. The trial and error of medicine is an expensive way to cure me. Apparently, they don't have instructions either? Please read the freaking directions!

It would be nice if whenever you are confused you could just take out the stepladder and pull down a big, dusty volume that you've had since you were born and that was written just for you? Instructions for Freddie, here we go. Let's see, I'll just check the index.

Hmm, it scares me that it's not a very thick volume. My friend has an instruction book twice as thick as mine. I wonder if the thickness of the instruction book has anything to do with longevity. Maybe, I should look under death. Maybe, I should buy life insurance. Maybe, I should take up skydiving and plan my next vacation sooner than later. Maybe, I should spend my 401K now.

"Now what do I do? Let's see. It says to please refer to chapter VII, page 32, and paragraph four of your book of life."

Only, I don't have any instructions. I don't even have a number to call or an e-mail address to send should I have a problem.


Wouldn't it be nice if we had a manual to refer to when we had a question? I decided to write my own instructions.

Listed below are some of my How To Live Life suggestions. I plan on adding to them as my life continues. I hope you find them helpful and will write me with your own suggestions to add to my instructions for life.

Rule #1 - Save all your money. Stay away from the mall and never accept a free offer for a credit card. The Hell with a rainy day, start saving now and don't spend a dime if you don't have to spend it.

Rule #2 - Never give a dime to someone who wants to borrow your money. You know that you will never see the money that you give this person back. So, why give it to her? Just tell your mother that you are sorry, but you are not a lender or a borrower. Okay, she's your Mom. Loan her the damn money, but charge her market rate interest and make sure she signs over her social security check to you.

Rule #3 - Stop, look, and listen before crossing the street. This is really good advice. Yes, I know you are walking within the crosswalk and there is a traffic light, still, I have to see things with my own two eyes and listen with my own two ears before I know it's safe to cross. Okay, now that I stopped, looked, and listened, it's safe to cross.

"Okay, quick, jump back on the curb. I missed my opportunity to cross the street. The light changed already."

Rule #4 - If it doesn't smell bad, it's okay to eat...most times. Have you ever been to a foreign country? I mean, a really foreign, like Indonesia and/or Micronesia foreign. I wouldn't eat that. That looks like a big scary fried bug to me. It is a big, scary, fried bug. Don't eat that. Yeah, it's a good idea to bring your own Ritz crackers and a jar of peanut butter with you.

Rule #5 - Don't eat that. Read rule #4 above. Yeah, I know it was free and that you are hungry, but really, don't eat that. It looks bad.

Rule #6 - Don't drink that. Read rule # 5, above that refers you to rule #4. Yeah, I know it was free and you are thirsty, but really, don't drink that. It doesn't look good.

Rule #7 - Don't touch that. That's a live wire. Didn't you read the sign?

Rule #8 - Don't do that. That's really annoying when you snap your gum like that, especially when you click your ball point pen at the same time. It's deafening.

Rule #9 - If you are ashamed to bring her home to meet your parents, then why are you with her? Well, blowjobs aren't everything. What happens after she loses her teeth? Gum jobs. Okay, then, forget rule #9.

Rule #10 - Buckle your seatbelt. As one who has always driven a fast, sporty car and who has tested the airbags a couple times, please wear your seatbelt. You have much better control of the vehicle when taking a corner fast. No, that's silly. You won't be stuck in your seat in a fiery crash and burn to death. You have a greater chance of hitting your head in a low speed crash and/or being thrown from and run over by your own vehicle.

Since we are on the subject, lock your door, too. Why? Because doors are guaranteed not to pop open in case of a crash, so long as they are locked. If left unlocked and you are unbelted, you'll be bouncing along the pavement at 60mph after impact.

Rule #11 - Don't drink and drive. This is only commonsense and goes along with rule #10. You are an average driver at best when sober; don't push your luck by driving intoxicated.

Rule #12 - If you are a man, never wear white socks unless you are playing basketball. Unless Archie Bunker is your idol and you hope to emulate him, it just looks bad, especially with black shoes.

Rule #13 - If you are a woman and don't want to look like Ruth Buzzi from Laugh-in or a homeless bag lady, never wear those half nylons with anything, especially a short skirt or pedal pushers. It just looks nasty.

Rule #14 - Don't smoke. If you haven't started, don't start. If you do smoke, stop now. Please, it's a matter of life and breath.

Rule #15 - Drink and eat in moderation. Here we go with the commonsense again. Do you really need to eat two double cheeseburgers? No one is that hungry. Must you drink a six pack of beer every night? Where did you find a tub of ice cream that large? Tell me that you don't have two more of these in the freezer downstairs.

Rule#16 - Never go to the deli under any circumstance unless it is to buy pickles. There is nothing there you want and everything there will eventually kill you. You're better off chewing on lard. You'll eat less of it. Matter of fact, don't eat any processed foods.

Rule #17 - Don't believe all you read in the newspapers and/or see on television. Again, commonsense is required to read between the lines. Believe it or not, but not everyone has your best interest at heart. There are those who hope to take advantage of you. For those who are blonde, busty, and beautiful, remove all your clothes and I'll explain in depth in the privacy of my bedroom.

Rule #18 - If it sounds too good to be true... Yeah, well, huh? What were you thinking? Did you really think that this dollar a gallon gasoline was anything but water?

Rule #19 - Always wear clean underwear...you never know. Yes, you can live with the embarrassment of hospital emergency rooms, they've seen it all. Besides, you'll be either unconscious or on death's door if not DOA. Yet, what if you were stuck in an elevator with Angelina Jolie and she had just broken up with Brad and was hot and horny for you?

Rule #20 - Always carry a condom...you never know. Read the second part of rule #19 above, that same rule applies to this.

Rule #21 - Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...you never know. This is something that I learned from the Godfather I & II movies. I just thought I'd pass it along. I got my one good eye on you. Don't make me come over there and give you a beatin'.

Rule #22 - Yes. Of course, when saying yes, it depends on the question.

Rule #23 - No. Read rule #22 above. Of course, when saying no, it depends on the question.

Rule #24 - Maybe. Read above rule #23 above that will refer you to rule #22. Of course, when saying maybe, it depends on the question.

Rule #25 - Because I said so. Sometimes, you just have to give in to it.

Rule #26 - Trust your girlfriend, but not with your Ferrari. I love my girlfriend, but I'm the only one who drives my Ferrari. There are just some things that can't be explained.

Rule #27 - Trust your boyfriend, but not with your best friend. Well, yeah, duh? Don't you watch soap operas? Don't you read the tabloids? C'mon, really. Everyone knows this or should know this. Now, you know. So, uhm, do you know where your boyfriend is?

Rule #28 - Real men don't eat quiche or wear plaid. Hey, if you live in Montreal, then I guess it's okay to eat quiche. They like their quiche up there. Yet, unless you are Ralph Lauren standing aboard your 400' yacht, take off the plaid pants and put something else on, but not those to the knee bathing trucks. It's just not right.

Rule #29 - Wear normal bathing trunks and not those stupid things that go down to your knees. See rule #28. There's nothing sexy about those things.

Rule #30 - Call your mother. No, there's nothing wrong. Just call her. She's lonely and she misses you.

Rule #31 - There are exceptions to every rule. Everyone knows that.

Rule #32 - There are no rules. Do you know why that is? I have no damn instructions on how to live my life. You can't have rules if you don't have instructions, I don't care what anyone says. You want rules? Give me instructions on how to play the game first. Yeah!

There we are riddled with confusion not knowing what to do and how to do it, even if we knew what to do and how to do it, we'd still have anxiety. Should we do that or should we do this? What if we choose the wrong one? What if we make a mistake? You don't want to do that. That's a fatal mistake. How can I live life without instructions?

There are those who seek the wisdom of a parent or grandparent. Even then, not all of us had parents, per se. Some of us were orphans. Then, what? What do they do then? Who do they trust to show them the way? They really are all alone and on their own.

There are those who seek the learned knowledge of a medical doctor or psychiatrist. There are those who fall on their knees and pray for the guidance of the Holy Father. There are those who seek comfort in food, a needle or a bottle. None of the above are equipped with instructions.

When we were born there were no instructions. We only had our parents to care for us and tell us what and what not to do. Are those who were born to smarter parents guaranteed a better life?

Yet, here we are the blind following the blind because when our parents were born they didn't receive instructions on how to live their lives either. I'm grateful that batteries were included because, not very mechanical, I wouldn't know how to install them or to change them even, if I had to do that.

Luckily, my girlfriend is very handy around the house. She loves tools. She even has a tool belt. She's not bad to look at either. I'd let her change my batteries any day, if you know what I mean. Actually, I'm not even sure what I meant by that.

Where other women's favorite store is the shoe store, her favorite store is the hardware section of Home Depot. Conversely, I don't even have tools. I have a butter knife and a hammer. If I can't fix whatever is broken with my butter knife, I smash it to pieces with my hammer and buy a new one. Let me tell you, I've smashed one too many televisions, computers, and automobiles. I wish I had instructions. Where are my damn instructions?

Does anyone have instructions? Maybe, if you have a set of instructions, I could make a copy. I mean, we are all human; most of us are, that is. There are some things, most things that would be applicable to me and I could just ignore those things that are applicable to you, especially if you are female. I'd skip the menstrual, prom, pregnancy, gossip, estrogen, and menopause chapters all together. I might peruse the chapter on lesbianism.

Moreover, I'd want American instructions. Foreign instructions wouldn't do me any good, I don't think. Foreigners are well, foreign. Depending where they are from, foreigners are a strange group of Earthlings, especially those from Canada, Australia, and England. Yeah, I know they are almost American because they all speak English or I am almost Canadian, Australian and/or English because we almost speak the same language, but they still talk funny and don't totally think like us or totally like us, for that matter. They'd have a different and more skewed set of instructions than mine. Definitely, they drink way more than I do.

For many of us, it would have been handy to have instructions that we could refer to, especially when times got tough and when we are at the crossroads in our life and don't know which road to take. Yet, there are those of us who don't need any damn instructions. They are the ones who live a charmed life. They think that they know all the answers.

Those are the ones who come to you later in life apologizing for their bad behavior and asking you for your help when the other shoe finally drops and they don't know how to handle life when things don't go as planned. There are those who go through life without a problem. Then, there are those who have too misery piled upon their shoulders.

It's not too late for my daughters. They're 26-years-old, identical twins. By the way, if there are any eligible single men out there, actually, on second thought, maybe this is not a good place to look for a husband for my daughters. Sorry, never mind.

I'd like to write them a book of instructions and this How To story is my beginning of that. Yet, if I wrote my own instructions now for them later, they could add to it and pass it on to their children. I like that idea, finally, someone having some kind of instructions for living life that they could add on to as they lived and pass it along to their survivors.

There are those of you who will say that everything I need to live my life by is in the good book, The Bible. Well, what I say onto thee is that not all of us are religious and not all us read and are students of the good book, The Bible. Further, there are those of us who don't believe in God.

I'm not one of those, I believe in God but am no longer religious since the scandals of the Catholic Church have soured me against them when they failed to take action against those priests who abused children. The Catholic Church thought more about money and how much the subsequent lawsuits would cost them than they did about those poor sexually abused children.

Besides, The Bible hardly reads like a book of instructions. Everything is open for interpretation and everyone derives his or her meaning from reading passages that might mean something to them but not to another. Moreover, The Bible has led many astray. We just have to look at some of those self-righteous ministers and ministries that have fallen to greed and sexual scandals.

The Jews have the Book of Life. I should read that. I'm willing to read anything that will give me a clue as to what the Hell I'm supposed to do because I have no idea, really. I don't even have any tools.

Being born without instructions now explains why so many people have totally screwed up their lives. Being born without instructions explains why there are so many 'How To' books on the market, but which ones do I buy? Which ones do I read?

Wouldn't it be nice if there was a Dummy's Guide To Living Life?

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