How to NOT Lose a Guy

Cindy touches Mandy on the shoulder. "Are you okay?"

Mandy blows out a breath. "Yeah, it's cool. You gotta understand, knowing how the world works and making the world work for you are two totally separate things."

"Don't make it sound like I'm out of touch," Cindy says a bit defensively. She cannot help remembering that Mandy is the one working as a cashier while she is pursuing her law degree.

But Mandy is in no mood to be talked down to. "You think you have it all together just because your job is better than mine?" Mandy asks, apparently reading Cindy's mind. "That's exactly the kind of thing that intimidates a boy. They need to feel needed, and YOU don't need anyone. I bet that guy at the bar was immediately put off when you told him your career plans. What did he do for a living?"

"I don't remember. Junk bonds or something."

"I'm telling you, that guy was a pig. He just wanted in your pants, especially when he thought you were better than him."

"Look, this discussion is upsetting you."

"Yeah, a little. But I wanna keep talking. I've been thinking about this for a long, long time, and this is, like, my first chance to get it all down on paper, so to speak. Do me a favor. Keep trying to poke holes in the theories. Maybe we'll come up with something better together."

"Okay. So where were we?"

"Wanna get some new shoes?"

"You know I do."

Mandy pulls into an outlet mall. The two girls buy three pairs each. Mandy's are club shoes, something she can dance in, something that shows off her ankles. Two of Cindy's pairs are low heels for work, but Mandy talks her into chocolate pumps that will go with the form-hugging dress they bought earlier in the day. They sit on a bench and talk.

Cindy speaks first. "I feel better."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. That guy was a jerk."

"I'm not sure that's the lesson you were supposed to learn."

"Well, he was."

"Why?"

"He just fucked me and left."

"But you're the one who seduced him."

"Yeah, but he didn't know that. He thought he seduced me. He asked me back to his place."

"Look, Cindy, if you truly believe that women are in control, then you have to take responsibility for the power you wield. Men are weak, and they think with their penises. Women will always have the upper hand. It's time to acknowledge that this guy wasn't Mr. Right. You can't hold him accountable for that."

"I know. Okay, I know that. Yes. You've got a point. But he was a little bit of a jerk."

"Yeah, he was. And you knew that. You were settling."

"Huh. I guess so."

"See, you and I would never go for a nerd. I mean a REAL nerd, a full-blown nerd. There are brainy guys in the world with bad hygiene, but anyone can be instructed in good grooming. I'd personally love to end up with a smart guy who knows where my clitoris is. Smart guys make smart money. But nerds, they are self-absorbed in the extreme. They want what they want. Any time, and I mean any time, a nerd has sex, he is settling. He wants the perfect woman, just like you and I want the perfect man, but he'll never get her. Casual sex is always second best."

"And if I hear you correctly," Cindy clarifies, "the reason you haven't gone after the brass ring is because you haven't found the right guy."

"It's hard, there's no doubt. Heh. I remember in college, I'd fall in love with any guy who was nice to me. Some guys would open a door for you, or pick up your books when you drop them. In storybooks that's the moment you both fall in love. But they never fell in love with me. I wasn't good enough for them."

"That's harsh."

"It hurt, and I always said to myself, 'One day he'll be sorry. I'll be beautiful and he'll be sorry.' But the truth is, everyone has someone out there who's right for them. Not like soulmates, just compatibility of personality types, that Myers-Briggs shit, stuff like that. I was so desperate to be loved that any sign of kindness made me fall head over heels."

" I know exactly what you mean. But I have to disagree about one point."

"What's that?"

"Well, there was a guy in college I thought was perfect. We had everything in common, and the stuff we were opposites in, we were opposites in the right way. But he never saw me that way."

"That's where sex comes into the equation."

"Sex?"

"I'm telling you, Cindy, I've been planning it for years. When I find the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, I'm going to make him mine, and he'll think it was his idea the whole time."

"So you have a plan."

"Hell yes."

"A plan for keeping the love of your life by your side."

"Yes ma'am."

"I'm dying to hear."

"You've been hearing. It's all I've talked about today. You simply need to put the pieces in the right order."

Cindy turns her attention to a family walking by, a man with his daughter on his shoulders, his wife pushing a stroller beside him. Mandy watches as well.

"That," Mandy said, "is a man worth waiting for. Or he's a complete asshole divorcee who has his kids for the weekend and that woman is an office subordinate he's blackmailing. It's a crap shoot."

"So if you can't be certain you've found a good man, why not settle for an okay one?"

"Absolutely right."

"No, I'm asking YOU. What are you waiting for?"

Mandy runs her hands through her hair, a little frustrated, perhaps with herself. "You're right. I know you're right." She turns to Cindy. "This is another important point to keep in mind. You can't change a man to make him Mr. Right."

"I know that."

"You think you know, but you won't know until you've tried."

"I'm with you on this point, Mandy. Believe me, I've tried. That's why I always get dumped."

"But it's a little more subtle than that. Men CAN be changed, but only up to a point. If he can't dress himself, you can teach him. If he has no taste in wine or books or movies, you can steer him in the right direction. Or maybe he won't budge on movies, but he's open to learning new directions when driving. It's different for all guys. They're just like us in that regard. I'm not changing who I am for anyone, but I will admit when I'm wrong."

"What have you been wrong about?"

"Chaz, for one thing. But I just meant in general, you know?"

"You and I should be lesbians. We'd get along great."

Mandy's eyes twinkle. "I'd drive you nuts," she finally admits. "Now that you know how manipulative I am, you'd spot right away when I was trying to change you."

"That's true. But I bet you're a more gentle lover than the guy at the bar."

Mandy, usually the more adventurous of the two, is taken aback. "Where the fuck did this come from?"

Suddenly Cindy is embarrassed. "I'm just joking," she says. Then she adds, "I was thinking of my college roommate. We were best friends, really best friends. A different guy would break her heart every week. She was drop-dead beautiful, so she was always getting asked out. But she was from the Southwest, same as me. She thought one of these guys would be a nice guy who wasn't just trying to bed her, and she was always wrong."

"What happened to her?"

"She's married now."

"Is he nice?"

"Yeah. He's a prince. I'm so jealous."

"Of him or of her?"

"Ha ha. I'd love a guy like that."

"She did it just the right way," Mandy says. "She dated around, slept around, had some fun, but she never lost sight of the goal. Your friend waited until she met the right guy, and she recognized him when he came along. Meanwhile, she tried to prepare herself mentally, spiritually and physically. She kept in shape, she tried to reduce any annoying habits she had, and when the time came, she was ready."

"Holy shit. How did you know all that?"

"Just guessing. If they're a good couple, then there's no other way it could go down. Look, you're on the right career path, right?"

"I think so, yeah," Cindy answers. "I mean, I really like my job."

"But that's not enough. It's going to take you where you want to go, right?"

"Yes. I believe so."

"You waited until you found the right job, and you didn't settle. It was hard, because you had other offers, other options, but you waited. You waited and waited."

"But I kept working until it came along."

"You made yourself ready for when it did. That's just how relationships are. You have to be patient, but the patience pays off."

"So you're being patient?"

"I think so."

"And the casual sex? That's your way of getting ready?"

Mandy smiles. "Well, sex is more important to me than it is to you. I have to be absolutely sure the man I spend the rest of my life with can satisfy me in bed. I won't cheat on him, so he has to be worth it."

"I remember you said that women want three things."

"Yeah, they do – sex, money and love. Some will want one more than the others. You want love, I want sex. Neither of us want money, because we can always make our own. But for every girl, it's really SECURITY that we're looking for. Sex equals physical intimacy. The guy is a protector, he makes the girl feel secure when he's close. Money is a different kind of security. Girls chase rich men because they're afraid to live life without a safety net. But you, Cindy, you're the best kind. You want someone who will feed you emotionally and spiritually. I think that's wonderful. It's the best kind of security."

"You're just guessing."

"Did I guess right?"

"Probably."

"What? Ask."

"Do you think I'm annoying?"

"Do YOU think you're annoying?"

"I didn't. But you've been talking about it."

"How are you annoying?"

"So I am!"

"I'm not annoyed by you. But that guy at the bar was."

"Good! I'm lucky he left."

"That's right. You are. Look, if I tell you what's annoying about you, and you try to change it, then you might destroy the one thing that would attract the most perfect man in the world. Not perfect for everyone, perfect for you. I'm not gonna say you shouldn't change. It's okay to change. I'm saying, know why you're changing. Make sure the guy is worth having, and then, convince him you're the one."

"And how do I do that? Trust me, I've tried."

"You don't do it with words. He has to feel like you need him. But not too much. It's a tricky balance, because men are such pigs. They need to have someone in their lives who depends on them, but they also want to be alone and do whatever the fuck they want. And I'm talking about the nice ones, too. They get married, they give you all their money, and they feel like they've earned the right to spend every weekend golfing and shit. See, now I'm started to get pissed off at men again, but let's not lose focus. Men are what they are. They're pigs. But we love them, and they love us, and it's a big fucking disaster."

"You said I need to make him feel needed."

"Right. Thank you. Let him help you, let him solve some problems for you."

"But isn't it supposed to be like that anyway?"

"Yes, in a healthy relationship, yes. You help each other, that's how it works. But I'm explaining how to convince a guy to stay interested in you in the beginning. You have to make it deliberate. Don't butt in unless he asks, and don't ask him to butt out unless it's vital that he does. Secrets destroy a relationship."

"Secrets."

"Yes."

"But you are the queen of secrets, Mandy."

"That's because I haven't found the right guy yet. I'm just sleeping around for now."

"That's brutally frank of you."

"What can I say. I'm feeling brutally frank today."

"This is all still so cynical. Wait. No, not all of it."

"I was about to say, you better take that back."

"You're right, I want love, not sex. I'm looking for something long-term. And it's not just some ploy that I need someone. I really do need someone."

"But you can't forget that. I know you, Cindy. You're independent, self-sufficient. You've got your own money, and your parents raised you your whole life thinking you were worth something. You're man poison."

"I am not."

"Of course you're not. But I'm saying, the first time a guy gets all macho and puts you in your place, you're going to resent it and say to yourself, 'Fucking A, I don't need this twerp. I can take care of myself.' And that's why I'm trying to drive this point home: We are the stronger sex. We're more secure, we're better equipped. You HAVE to let him win sometimes. It's the key."

"And what's his responsibility, then? What's he supposed to do for me?"

"Honestly, I have no fucking clue. Men are pigs!"

Mandy and Cindy laugh together, so loud that people walking by turn and stare. When they finish, Cindy returns to the conversation. "You can't change men."

"That's right."

"But you can change yourself."

"Yes, when the time is right."

"And you may wait a long time for the time to be right."

"That's been my case, yeah."

"That sucks."

"I know."

"What do I do in the meantime?"

"Fuck anything that moves."

"But that's not me."

"Then masturbate."

"That's me."

Mandy twirls a finger through her hair. "I read 'The World According to Garp' by John Irving. Everyone in the book is so fucked-up, they can't make a relationship work, no one can. It has a lot to do with how we screw up our lives because we know what the right things in life are but we chase after the wrong things anyway. I remember this one part, don't remember who said it, Irving I guess. He says, life is just harder on men. That's why they die younger. They do more of the work, more of the physical labor, even more of the dying. It's true, they do. Men die more than women. They carry more fear. But Irving was only half right. Women carry a load, too. We see things more clearly, because the threat doesn't hang over us the same. We carry more truth, and truth burns like hot coals. It's heavy, and it's not fun. Men leave us because of fear, they hurt us with their fists because of fear. They're afraid because they know we're stronger. We survive because we're smarter and less afraid. Once you know that, girlfriend, you can wait as long as it takes."

"Fuck me. Where did that come from?"

Mandy shrugs. "I told you. I've been working on this theory a long time."

"So what do you say to the women who never find the perfect man? The ones who die alone? There's as many of them as there are lonely old men."

"I say, get a clue. You've been waiting for a man to jump through your hoops, and you haven't been willing to jump through any of his. THAT'S what a female nerd looks like. I don't care if she's leggy, blonde and gorgeous, she's a self-absorbed jerk and she has nothing to offer a man. One day she'll cry herself to sleep wondering where her looks went. She's rich and powerful, yes, but men don't care. They don't want sex, money and love. They want sex, and they want to feel needed."

"Don't they want love as well?"

"Yes," Mandy says, tapping her nose, "but they don't know that yet. First, you have to get him to fall for you. Then, you have to convince him you need him. Then, when the time is right, he'll open up to you with all his frailty, his insecurity, his hopes and fears. That's when you hold him and tell him everything will be alright. If you do it right, he won't resent you for it. He'll recognize his need, and he'll trust you to keep your damn mouth shut about it. Of course, you'll run right to me and tell me everything, but he doesn't need to know that."

"Of course." Something like a cloud hangs over Cindy, not a cloud of doubt or fear, but one of truth, which is a heavy burden. She realizes she has been chasing the wrong kind of man, and she has been pretending to be the wrong kind of woman. She wants to say something to this effect to her friend Mandy, but she realizes that Mandy already knows. "Thanks for the talk," she says, not indicating how grateful she truly is.

"Anytime."

"It's funny. I've always been worried about you," Cindy says. "But I was the one with the wrong ideas."

"Ideas and actions are worlds apart, Cin. I know this shit, that doesn't mean I know what I'm doing."

"Then I tell you what. I'll be strong for you if you stay strong for me."

"I can live with that."

"No, I mean it. Men can't do this. They don't shop and drink coffee and talk about their feelings. They're scared and weak, and they can't be honest. But we can."

"That's what I've been saying."

"Well then, the next time we go to the clubs, I'm going to steer you away from the losers."

Mandy laughs. "Right. Good luck."

"In fact, let's fuck the clubs. I've never met a good guy there."

"Oh, I have. Usually those are the ones that got dragged there by friends."

"Really?"

"Oh sure."

"I always thought those were the pussies."

"All men are pussies. The jock says to the geek, 'Let's go to the club and get you laid,' but really, the jock needs the geek to make himself look better, and to have someone to dump on. They're both little boys hiding who they are."

"But some of them are real asshole creeps."

"Yes, it's true."

"Ever wonder," Cindy asks, "why girls fall for bad boys? For creep assholes?"

"Because we're strong, and we want someone strong. We resent weak men. The key is to remember that ALL men are weak. Society is wrong. We are the stronger."

"I guess I knew that. But you're right, it's counter-intuitive."

"Next time you find yourself falling for a tough jerk, think about what kind of father he'd be. Think about how he'd treat your mom and sisters. Next time you're turned off by a mild-mannered reporter, ask him what he wants from life and what he's willing to do to get it. Many times there's a lot of willpower hiding underneath."

"This is a lot to remember. Maybe it's easier to be alone."

Some of the glow leaves Mandy's face. "Maybe."

Cindy's eyes twinkle. She grabs Mandy's hand. "Maybe not."

Mandy smiles. "Maybe not."