How to Ruin a MarriagebyMissBri©
Having just begun my journey down the yellow brick road of divorce, I thought it might behoove some of you to share a bit of my recently acquired wisdom. I suppose you could read my tips and avoid doing the things they describe if you actually enjoy being in your relationship, but this is really a guide on how to fuck up a marriage. So if you'd like some sure-fire catalysts that will reveal you to be the asshole you know you are deep down inside, read on. This is for you.
In this brief but fairly thorough guide, you will see the spouse referred to as 'her.' Have no fear – these tips will work just as well for your unsuspecting male spouse.
1. Don't take the other person's feelings into consideration. You may be tempted to be nice to your spouse, to think about her feelings before opening your big mouth. Well, that's a big no-no if you want to ruin your marriage. You need to be adamant about being an asshole, or you might send mixed messages.
2. Do tell lies liberally. Show no remorse when caught in said lies. If you really want her to know what little regard you have for her, lie through your teeth. Do it enough that she'll be sure to catch you having a nooner with your secretary, practicing the bad habit you promised you had quit, or staying out all night when you promised you'd be home for dinner. When she questions your actions, just shrug it off and play loud music so you can't hear her bitching. Who cares that she spent all night cooking or you were supposed to quit smoking together? She's just a nag and she should have known that yes meant no.
3. Don't pay attention to anything your spouse says. I know this can be difficult, especially when she's always trying to work through your collective problems in order to encourage a healthier relationship. Even worse, if that nagging spouse wants you to rinse your dishes once in a while so she's not always finding crusty milk glasses lying about, make a point to leave even more of the offending dishes on every available surface. Be thorough in your disregard.
4. Do be sure to launch verbal attacks regularly. Tell your spouse things that you know will really sting. As an example, "Honey, when you had the job where you came home in pain every night after busting your ass for just above minimum wage... That was, for me, the happiest part of our marriage." Score extra points if you are able to make such statements in a friendly tone of voice, sporting a doublewide smile. Don't worry, she won't confuse your intentions when you're being so damn nasty.
5. Don't ever discuss your issues while sober. This is a big one! Bottle up all of your fears, insecurities and venom. Never, ever open that bottle while sober. In fact, the longer you can hold it all inside, the better. Get irate about things and make mental lists. Wait to mention any of it until you're both drunk and it's been so long that most of your points are ancient history. If your spouse tries to defend herself against the attack, get even more pissed off because she's being defensive. This is your soapbox, dammit! When she begs you to wait until you're both sober to continue the discussion, act like you didn't even hear her request. Eventually she'll realise that you really don't care about her emotional well-being at all.
6. Do make promises which you do not intend to fulfill. Example: Is she miserable after having moved to your town? Tell her that it would be nice to go somewhere else for a change of scenery. Then, take issue with every place that she mentions. Suggest cities that you know she won't like. Become indignant and add to your drunken piss and vinegar bottle. The next time she brings up the topic of moving, tell her that you've changed your mind and you like it where you are, so you're not willing to move. Never mind that she stayed where you wanted to be for years on end.
In closing, if you're bound and determined to be the asshole who ruins a relationship that used to be healthy and full of love, do your best to become a passive aggressive time bomb. You'll get your spouse so very turned around that she'll either become a depressed wreck or get fed up and leave. Either way, you'll be able to get rid of her soon enough.