How to Walk Away...

How do you walk away? Simply walk away from a dream? From the lifestyle that you have pursued for two long years? Walk away from a need that is deep inside of you? Turn your back on your own nature? How can you possibly do that and survive? The answer is quite simple really. You face the truth...and it sets you free.

Almost two years ago I began to explore my submissive nature. I had been celibate for the better part of eighteen months because of the psychological damage that my five year marriage had done to me. My self-esteem was shot. I was an emotional basket case.

Then I decided quite simply that I need to get laid. Simple as. I placed an advert online looking for a fuck buddy. And I found a great guy. A wonderful summer romance. We clicked from the beginning. I went from celibate to making out in a parking lot...not a car...the actual parking lot...in half an hour. He was not a Dom but he was dominant.

I had an online email pal who was his wife's Master. He and I got talking. I started reading books about BDSM. Not that one, some good ones. I joined a couple of sites. The first rude emails really turned me off a couple of sites. Then I found another social networking site for the lifestyle. It was much more my style. I began to explore.

In those two years, I have had perhaps a dozen or more tops. I had a Dom and a Daddy. I even had a Master. I cared for them all in one way or another. I gave all that I could. More than I should. I trusted them. I submitted to them. I even loved some of them. And I do not regret a moment of that journey.

I have learned so much about myself. I was born submissive. I believe that our personalities, our natures, are hardwired into us, into our genes. And mine just happens to be submissive. That is why I tried so hard as a child to please the adults. That is why my favorite words on this earth are 'good girl' and has been for as long as I remember.

This 'good girl' was born. My upbringing only reinforced needs inside of me. I did not even rebel as a teenager. When I finally got around to it in my late teens and early twenties, it was short lived, only a couple of years. Then I slipped into the quiet life of wife and mother. Oh, there were other rebellions later on, but all short lived as well. Because submission is more natural to me than rebellion. It always will be.

During these two years, I learned too why my marriages failed. Why I cannot respect weak men. Both of my ex-husbands were submissive men. And two submissives is a very bad combination. Each looks to the other to make decisions. And both are shit at making them. Lesson learned.

But I learned some other things too. Like why there must always be limits. Because as the saying goes, 'power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.' I found another quote by Abraham Lincoln the other day, I think I like it better. "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." When you give men (or women) that kind of power over you, well, none of them truly appreciates it.

Those limits are there to protect you. Not just your physical body that will usually heal. No, it is your emotions, your tender squishy insides, that are hurt the most when you give too much trust, too much power to someone, anyone. They will all let you down.

And you will let them down. That is what it means to be human. And why we must always have limits. Oh, those limits may be high, really high. But you can never allow another human being to use you, to take you for granted, to place their wants above your emotional needs. That is something called dignity and self-respect and it must always be protected.

I learned too that the lifestyle, BDSM, is a drug. No, really! The chemical process that operate in your brain when you play...the release of endorphins to counteract the pain that results in subspace...is the same as many anti-depressants. And honestly, it can be used as safely and effectively to treat mild depression and stress.

But like any drug, those prescription anti-depressants included, it has side-effects. Sub-drop, when those endorphins are finally used up and you are left feeling worse than you did to begin with, is one of them.

The other though is addiction. Some people take anti-depressants for a time and get better but far too many others come to depend upon the chemical cocktail to achieve happiness. So too do many people in the lifestyle come to need it. Need it more than their marriages. Need it more than their jobs. Need it more than their children. Need their next fix so badly that they will do anything with anyone to get it.

Ten days ago, Independence Day 2014 to be exact, my collar came off. He had been a good guy. A decent human being. But he fit that Abraham Lincoln quote to a tee. I admired the man that had faced adversity. Yet when I gave him that power, absolute power in fact, he did not pass the character test. It was one of those things I mentioned earlier...being taken for granted, your human dignity and self-respect. I drew the line. I stepped out of good little sub role and called him on his behavior. Doms don't like that. Especially when they know they are wrong. And are too proud to admit it.

Since then I have thought back long and hard over the past two years. Like I said, I do not regret any of it. I have learned so many lessons...good and bad about myself and others. I have grown as a human being. I am happier too. And that is where I come to my point about how to walk away...simply walk away...from the lifestyle or any other addiction in your life.

Yesterday, I asked my older daughter to watch her little sister so that I could go to a fetish event. I went alone. That had always been something that made me uncomfortable. Going alone and unprotected did not conform to my personal beliefs about the behavior of a good girl. But yesterday, I went alone. I did not even message any of my dear friends asking them if they were going. I knew at least a couple would have gone with me but I did not want a cop out. I wanted to face my demons.

I made a costume for the event even. One of my little dresses. He had dressed me as a slut in corsets and stockings for months even though that is not my style. This dress was for me. And I did not even cheat by carrying it in a bag and changing when I got there. No, I wore a little girl dress on the trains across London on a sunny summer Sunday. And I held my head high.

What did I do? Normal things. I saw one friend there and said hello. I got a coke and walked around. But mostly I found a booth and sat alone drinking my coke. Don't feel sorry for me. I was no wall flower. I had at least three guys come and stand close to me, looking for some sign that it was all right to approach me.

A sign that never came. I was alone by choice. Except that I was not alone at all. I was messaging two friends as I sipped. One friend whom I had helped to save her marriage and another young woman that needs me that much now. I was happy.

But as I looked around me at the faces, some of them familiar, I realized that most of them were not. These people were controlled by the need for their drug. They were like junkies looking to score. Nervous, looking about constantly, barely able to contain themselves until their fix.

One Domme in particular caught my eye. I had known her for over a year. In that time, her physical appearance had deteriorated. She had let herself go. Unhappiness weighted upon her. Okay, perhaps that has to do with something else in her life...work or family. But shouldn't being around something you consider a hobby, something meant to add to your life, relax you?

In the end, I did not finish my coke. I made a decision. I needed a nap while my girls were gone more than I needed this. Am I against the lifestyle? Do I believe BDSM is wrong or harmful? Not at all! I met my best friends in this community. And it is a community in a way that most things are not these days. That is because any group that is ostracized learns to hang together, to protect one another.

Will I go back there? Might I even play again one day? Maybe, I have learned to never say never. And I will never change who I am...a submissive. But yesterday showed me the most important thing that any of us need to learn...I control my nature, it does not control me. It is my choice. Not my addiction. Not my need.

But an option...just like a nap was another one. And sometimes in life we need a nap...and sometime we need to play. Nothing wrong with either...in its place. I hope you discover that revelation for yourself. Because that is how you walk away from the playground...before it starts to take its toll upon you.