Hypoactive Sexual Desire Syndrome

Hypoactive Sexual Desire Syndrome (HSDS): A lack of sexual desire and absence of erotic or sexual thoughts.

A pretty odd topic to be covering on an erotic story venue like this, but still more relevant than might be appreciated at first blush.

Using the original definition of HSDS ( low sexual desire, not necessarily a complete lack) which was used prior to the fourth edition of the psychology bible, nearly a third of all women met the classification as having HSDS.

This means, even using conservative estimates, a significant portion of the readers of this web site know, date, or are married to someone matching HSDS criteria. To help you come to grips with that number and who you might know having personal experience of it: I have HSDS.

I know, pretty weird. About now you've clicked on my profile, possibly even pulled up some of the stories I've done. Depending on which ones you read, you can quit stuttering and ask it: "WTF?"

Believe it or not, this is part of my self-imposed therapy. Writing erotica forces me to think about sex. It makes me rethink about my day, events, interactions, and challenges... and pushes a little tingle into my twattle, so to speak.

What's it like to have HSDS? A little real-life story may help (and if you happen to be the gentleman in this story, I am sooo sorry for what I might've made you think!):

"Oh, my, goodness! That guy in the store. He was looking at me repeatedly. Then, when I ran into him an aisle or two down, he continued looking at me. When we passed each other again, I finally asked him if I knew him; and we started talking. He kept looking at my shirt, I must've had something on it, bless his heart: he didn't want to embarrass me and say something. He was very friendly, but unfortunately I wasn't who he thought I was. He even offered to help me take stuff out to my car when we'd finished shopping. I squeezed his arm and told him that was so sweet, but I could manage..." I gushed all this to my husband after returning from a shopping trip to Home Depot, just to see if he remembered the gentleman from somewhere. I was so animated, my girls, running loose inside my t-shirt, probably looked like a pair of playful kittens tussling.

"Uh, sweetie? He was coming on to you. How many times did you touch him?" he asked me in that same gentle voice he uses when trying to explain a difficult topic to a resistant audience.

"No! He couldn't have! I don't know, maybe I just held onto his arm for a while. He was just so friendly and it seemed like I'd known him..."

"I'm not upset. I just think it's amazingly cute that you led him so far on, he was probably wondering if he'd get some in the parking lot or just grab a quick feel before getting your number."

"He couldn't have thought that! I was wearing my wedding ring!" I objected quickly; but started to recall what was said, how it was said, how I probably was a little more breathy than normal when talking to him. How I cuddled his arm into... oh, my, GOD! I was fondling his arm against my boob!

Now afterward I could feel a little tingle. But it wasn't happening while it was happening, if you get my meaning.

And that's an odd part about having HSDS. It doesn't mean I'm a sexless wonder (shut up, hubby!), it often means the starter has to be pressed many times before the engine will turn over. Even then, there's a good chance it won't start without someone or something else priming it.

It also means I can be in a complete, sweat inducing, sexually charged erotic situation, and not realize it until later. Possibly much later. Possibly much later after someone asks me about it and points it out. Blatantly. With four letter words. And sometimes a flow chart with pictures.

I have to work to get into the mood along with the planets being perfectly aligned. That's part of my activity here: not only to help you (or a loved one) get that spark, but to help learn how to turn over my own engine. I'd really like to figure out how to drive my sex so maybe one day I too can have a sex drive.

With lots of time and effort, I've finally gotten to the point where, if you ask my body, it knows what it wants. It even responds quite well many times (or so I'm told); but as soon as my brain gets involved, it all goes down the toilet. But I'm still trying, at least when I remember or I am reminded.

So if you, someone you know, or someone you're intimate with (being intimate is emotional closeness, it doesn't have to involve sex, you Neanderthal!) has HSDS, or you suspect she may have HSDS, please remember a few things:

1) It's not you. It's not that you don't love him/she doesn't love you. It's possible sex and sexy thoughts don't even come up naturally in day-to-day thinking.

2) If you haven't seen your doctor lately, I know feet in the stirrups isn't the best time to start having a conversation with your gynecologist, but specifically point out any important history: - I don't sleep well - I'm depressed - I have no interest in sex - hell, I don't even think a single sexy thought in any given month / year /decade.

3) All estrogen level tests are not created equal and there are better times than others during your cycle to get a good baseline. Your doctor isn't yanking your chain, you may need to have blood drawn several times throughout the month to truly rule out low sex hormone levels as a potential cause. (But think of it this way: if popping a pill daily gives you more energy, yields a more fitful night's sleep, plus you wake up feeling like you want to use Mr. Happy instead of telling him, "It's a full bladder, you moron, go pee," it might be worth it.)

Unfortunately for me it's not as easy as a hormone problem solved with a pill; and like most folks with HSDS, there is no easy fix. Fortunately or unfortunately, I have an understanding hubby to prod me along.

Things you can do to help:

1) As a significant other, ask if it's okay to butt into her personal demon that may be stalking, silently, without her awareness. Explain HSDS: it helps to know it has a name and you aren't alone.

2) You can try to remember to be in the moment. When appropriate, be in the here and now, don't get bogged down dwelling on the past or future.

3) As the significant other: be kind, be gentle, be understanding. Don't be afraid to keep trying, though. Nudge her to read a short story from this site. Ask her for a topic, any random word, and just have a laugh together looking it up to find the associated story.

4) If you're frustrated and just want to talk (or your spouse is frustrated ) - I'm here. You click on the response button or you can send a message directly to me through LitErotica.

I live with it every day of my life. But it doesn't mean I'm willing to give up being the wonderful, sexual being someone supposedly promised me when I became a confident woman. Instead, I'm choosing to make an effort and attempt to collect on that promise. Maybe there is hope.