I Alone

I sank into Eden with you
alone in the church by and by
I'll read to you here, save your eyes
you'll need them, your boat is at sea
your anchor is up, you've been swept away
and the greatest of teachers won't hesitate
to leave you there, by yourself, chained to fate

I alone love you
I alone tempt you
I alone love you
fear is not the end of this!
~ "I Alone" by Live

The letter arrived three days before Christmas, blown in on a bleak Oklahoma day by unkind fate. Maria didn't recognize the return address, but did recognize the sender's name, although they hadn't been in touch for years. It was from Shelly – Keith's sister – not someone she'd ever have anticipated receiving a letter from.

After setting her meager bag of groceries down in the kitchen, Maria opened it, curious to know the reason Shelly would break her silence.

Maria,

I know you're probably wondering why I would ever write to you after not keeping in touch for so long. I'm sorry I didn't. I had to write to you now, though, because the thought of you not knowing was killing me.

This is so hard.

Keith took his life two weeks ago. We don't know why, not really, but he'd been depressed since his son's death last year. You knew that, though. He'd told me once that the two of you kept in touch, even after all this time. This may make it better for you, I'm not sure, but just a couple of days before it happened, we were talking about things, and he told me he still loved you – mentioned those song lyrics. . . you know, the ones you always said to each other. I feel like he would want you to know that.

Take care,

Shelly

The page fell from Maria's hand to the floor, and then was lifted briefly by the wind whistling through the gap between the window and windowsill. It finally became still at her feet.

A tear escaped her fingers, and dropped onto the letter, spreading the ink into unreadable swirls. She stared at it for a long time, couldn't seem to look away, because then she might have to believe that the news it held was real.

The cold brought her out of her reverie some time later. Her breath was briefly visible in fragile tendrils around her face, and faint tremors made their way through her body in reaction to the frigid air.

She wanted to scream until she was hoarse, somehow vent the rage inside; but instead, she went about starting a fire in the fireplace with a terrible calm. Her lethargy kept her fireside, seeing Keith's face in the flames. As long as they'd been apart, she'd kept the knowledge that they'd see each other again...sometime. It had kept her going, kept her anchored. She didn't know how to behave in a world that didn't have Keith in it, and it surprised her that she hadn't felt the exact moment that he'd left it.

That thought broke the ice that had surrounded her and she cried then, beginning with silent tears, and eventually moving into sobs that left her exhausted. Still she sat in front of the fire, the tears drying to silver tracks on her face as the scent of wood smoke brought back first one memory, then a flood of them.

Keith, sitting by the fire that time they'd camped on the shores of Lake Huron, his skin lit by the flames, laughing at something she'd said. She'd taken his braid down, and he'd left it that way. The firelight brought out an almost unearthly shine in the waves that fell down his back.

The night at the 49 after a powwow, when he'd sung his love to her in a mixture of Ojibwe and English. He'd overacted each verse so clownishly she'd laughed until she cried, and then kept crying at the emotion she'd heard in his words. He'd taken her tenderly later in their hotel room, and repeated the words he'd sung to her earlier, serious this time. They'd heard the song "I Alone" in the car on the way back to his house the next day, and it had become a code, a short hand of sorts, for the feelings they had for each other.

The last time she'd seen him, two years before, tears streaming down his face as he told her that he wasn't moving south with her, that he couldn't. After his father had died, his family needed him, didn't she understand? She'd been too stubborn to give in and stay with him, even though he'd begged her. She'd left, never knowing that it would be the last time she would see him.

The memories spun by, merging into a large, almost unbearable ache that Maria felt with her entire body. She stared into the flames in front of her, eased herself down to the floor, and slept, finally and irrevocably alone.

Maria was warm, truly warm, for the first time in months. She was confused for a moment by the hard hearth underneath her, but quickly realized where she was. The fire had burned down to embers in front of her, but she was so deliciously warm that it didn't matter. And then it did. Why am I so warm?

"Mari...a." The voice sighed past her ear, as if someone had waved a radio on low volume close to her.

She sat up, wide-awake now, and glanced frantically around the living room. It was unchanged, and empty.

"Don't...afraid."

She whispered, "Keith?"

In response, she felt a wave of pleasure travel down her back, a smile made physical. A lone tear made its way down her cheek, then was wiped away by a touch so gentle she almost thought she'd imagined it.

"...alone love...you."

Her response came automatically, "Fear is not the end of this."

She felt his smile again. Then, as if from farther away, "No...isn't...waiting for you. So...beautiful."

A wind whipped through the room, and she knew he was gone. She stumbled to her feet. "Keith?"

She made it to the front door, nothing on her mind but finding him. When she opened it, it was ripped from her hand, and slammed back against the wall by an icy wind that cut through her clothes like a scalpel. She didn't care.

Out into the yard. "Keith!" Her screams were swallowed up by the roar of the winter storm as it swirled around her. Tendrils of icy air reached for her with skeletal fingers, but she brushed them aside, and kept moving. He has to be here somewhere.

"Keith! I love you!" Maria stumbled into a depression in the ground. It was deep enough to twist her ankle badly, but not deep enough to afford her any shelter from the weather. "Come back! Keith!" Her screams changed to sobs. "Please...come back...oh, god."

Maria huddled there on the ground, her tears freezing before they could reach her chin, and cried into the wind and the ice that whirled around her, as unfeeling and uncaring as fate.

Cold. She was so cold

But then, it started to grow warmer, or was it? Her hands had lost all their feeling the minute she'd stepped outside, but now the warmth was slowly coming back, creeping in as if it wasn't supposed to be there. She didn't feel cold anymore at all, in fact, but she was so sleepy, so tired.

Maria shut her eyes against the sting of the ice. Just for a minute. I just need to rest.

It could have been hours later, or it could have been minutes when Maria heard Keith's voice again. Clearly this time, as if he was right next to her.

"Maria."

She heard him, but the lethargy that had invaded her limbs was just too heavy, and her eyelids seemed to weigh a ton.

"C'mon, baby. Open your eyes. I'm here...I told you I was waiting."

Again, Maria felt that delicious warmth flood through her body, waking up the arms and legs that had seemed useless appendages just a moment earlier. The ice melted from her eyelashes, and she opened her eyes, just a little, afraid it was some cruel trick that her mind was playing on her.

He was there, looking as he always had, and that smile! When he saw her responding, he smiled at her and the warmth around her intensified. She had been cold so long that it was astonishing.

He stood up, holding a hand out to her. "C'mon, love, we need to go."

Maria stood up, and took his hand. He was solid! She threw her arms around his neck, and started to cry again.

Keith's laughter was as joyous as that of a child. "We really need to go, babe. I'll explain, I promise."

"But where are we going?" Maria asked, as they started to trudge off through the snow."

"You'll see. Just don't look back, okay? Think about you and I being together forever. I'll never have to leave you again. Just don't look back."

"Okay. I alone, baby." The smile had found it's way back into Maria's voice after being absent for years.

Keith smiled back at her, his dark brown eyes looking into hers. "Fear is not the end of this, my love. I told you not to be afraid."

"I'm not. I'm never afraid with you. Christmas is something to celebrate this year!"

The pair walked off into the storm, fingers laced together, and heads bent close to each other. Maria didn't look back, just as Keith had asked, but he did. He looked sadly back at the woman in the depression, covered with snow and ice. She was eerily still. He only looked for a moment, kissed Maria on the top of her head, and turned his gaze forward again. There was all the time in the world to love each other now.