I Am Jack's Life Ch. 09

Author's note and acknowledgements

This story has sat on my hard drive for four years now.

I wrote it, all twenty chapters and 95,000 words of it in eight days of a frenzied, near trance-like state, sitting on my couch with my wife's laptop. She would occasionally have to remind me to eat.

When the dust settled, and I looked up, I realized a couple of things: one, I had just written a fucking novel in a week, whoa. Two, it seemed to be pretty damn good, double whoa. And three, what the hell was I going to do with it?

I tried editing it, I even enlisted the help of a Lit-Editor, who was invaluable for early editing, and confirming it was in fact, pretty good, or readable at least. I spent several months then, editing, unashamedly forcing it on writer friends to read, regular friends to read, and total strangers on writer boards. Everyone had different opinions of course, as people do, but all of them seemed to think it was pretty good, and I should probably try to do something with it.

So I spent another year trying to sell it.

Well nothing happened.

And I can't blame them, agents and publishers. It's kind of a niche story, hard to market. It's got too much sex for a coming age story, too much teenage drama for adult fiction, and not a single word about vampires or bondage to make it work as erotic fiction.

So it's sat on my hard drive for four years. I'll occasionally open it up, tinker with a line, or try to figure out how to re-work it into something more marketable. I always end up wasting a weekend trying to figure out how to change it, without losing the essence of the thing which I, and several others, feel is, "pretty good."

So fuck it. Here you go Literotica. I just want people to read it. I want people to get to know Jack the way I did. Writing his life made me feel like I was a part of it. He's a pretty good guy, I wish I knew him in real life.

So NEXT, some disclaimers.

This is a coming of age story. Which means first it starts out when the characters are too young to have sex (on literotica.) So there's no sex for a couple chapters. I hope that's okay. Second, this is a novel length story, including the prologue and epilogue, there are twenty-one chapters in all. Some are longer than others, and there is not a sex scene in every one. (Though some have more than one.) More importantly, sex is a thing that happens, it's not written to be titillating, but rather just as events in Jack's life.

So there you go. It's a story with sex in it, not a story about sex. I think it's pretty good anyway.

If you have not read the first chapter, please click on my profile and pick the story up at the beginning, its better that way, trust me.

*****

The rest of the year, such as it was, was kind of a mess.

I spent a lot of time with Kimmy, trying to reassure her that everything was fine and I had no interest in Anna, and keeping the two of them apart. The problem with that is it just wasn't true. I thought about Anna a lot. My mind kept playing What Ifs. What if she'd said something before my birthday party, what if I'd gone with her instead? What if Kimmy and I hadn't stuck together? What if.

I had a lot of very confusing nights thinking about Anna when I should have been thinking about Kimmy, considering what the two of us were doing at the moment. For her part, Kimmy started getting very jealous of me openly. She got down right possessive in fact, I was starting to feel the strangle hold, but I did nothing to keep the noose off my neck.

I also still had a very hard class load to keep up. Sure I was already valedictorian, but that didn't mean I wanted to let go of everything. I stopped tutoring the girls except for Kimmy really, and she wasn't all that interested in learning any more. Any time we were together she wanted to spend it having sex, or making out, or some other physical reassurance that I was in fact, with her.

It was even weirder when Beth was added into the mixture. She was painfully nice, submissive almost, to my opinions and suggestions when the five of us were hanging out. I'd catch her looking at me when other people were talking, and then she'd look away awkwardly. It was like we'd completely reversed chairs from when I'd first met her. It left me feeling confused and guilty. She and Todd had broken up again. Strangely though he and I still talked and hung out. In a weird way he was my best guy friend. Life is fucked up.

Beth was weird enough, but then there was Anna. She'd stopped flirting with me. So completely stopped that it was weird - tangibly noticeable in it's absence. It was like a big brick wall had been thrown up between us. She never made eye contact with me, never made any attempt to spend time alone with me, or even speak with me when one of the other girls wasn't around. It made things very weird between us.

Only Abby seemed to be immune to all the drama, which made her my port in the storm. We hung out a lot together during my time in the newspaper tech lab. Even after that was out, I would hang out with her after school as a kind of drama-relief. I think she got why and never made a big deal about it. She was one girl I could still just be friends with at least.

As the end of the year approached, senior fever started hitting everyone in a bad way. People stopped each other in the halls and hugged, or bro-hand slapped. Classes got increasingly hard to concentrate on. I barely made it through my studies for finals. I kept tutoring some other classmates, but I started getting awfully short tempered. I feel bad to admit a lot of the 'smart guy' elitism crept up on me that last couple of weeks; 'This is fucking simple! Why can't you understand this?'.

When the yearbooks were released a week before graduation it started to all get real in an impending doom kind of way. The worst part was, I still hadn't written a speech for graduation yet. That hung over my head like an ax in a Poe story, swinging ever closer threatening to decapitate me.

The strangest thing for me I think, was just how many people asked me to sign their yearbook.

I couldn't walk down the hall without someone asking; girls that hadn't known I'd existed before I was a junior even though we'd gone to school together since second grade were asking me if I could, "please sign their yearbook real quick." In more than one of them, I was embarrassed to notice someone, maybe that girl, maybe another, had circled my picture with a heart or something. It was very surreal. Guys too, not the hearts or anything, but guys I'd tutored or knew from my exposure to parties and sports were asking me to sign their books.

I wasn't processing any of it really, it only started to dawn on me about Wednesday that my own yearbook was full of ink. Every page had multiple things written on it. I remember passing it to a group of cheerleaders at lunch on Wednesday and they start claiming space in my book.

The other thing that was overwhelming, was the amount of times my face appeared in the book. In previous yearbooks, my face appeared once, maybe twice outside of my class photo.

Now, Abby was one of the yearbook photographers, and yearbooks in every class always end up with lots of pictures of the photographer's friends and social circles. That's who they are around when the candids happen - its just the law of averages and quantity. So my face was in the back ground of a few shots of Abby's other friend's doing random stuff, or a couple of crowd shots of basketball games where a bunch of us were cheering the team on. So I had a couple from that. Plus one of course in the Newspaper group photo as the tech adviser.

But there were also at least three shots that were centered on me, besides my senior class photo and the valedictorian and salutatorian picture. Salutatorian was Christina Yu by the way, Tommy's encounter with the police had apparently disqualified him. Not to mention he ended up getting a B in physics, so his GPA dropped below hers. We looked great in the picture too, Abby flattered both of us.

Of the three shots that weren't those, two of them were of me tutoring someone. In both of them, I look like I'm explaining something deeply profound and meaningful. They made me look way smarter than I felt most of the time.

The last one was my favorite though. It was at a game, I think it was the basketball championships, but I'm hoisting Kimmy up by the waist and we're both facing out onto the court looking past the camera, she's got her cheer outfit on and her cheeks painted up. She's got both of her arms in the air with her pom poms in a blur of motion and her legs bent at the knees like she just jumped. We're both cheering like mad and look insanely happy. The bottom photo was captioned, "Class of 94's Cutest Couple."

I hadn't made 'Most likely to succeed' which miffed me a little, (Christina had snagged that, so I guess it was well deserved), but I made cutest couple.

It's a turvy topsy world sometimes.

Kimmy had circled that picture in my yearbook with a huge heart and wrote all around it in her cute girl hand writing, "i love u" over and over in a border around the heart. The dot on each and every 'i' was a little heart too. It still makes me grin to look at it. Every girl who saw it when she signed my year book exclaimed with a big 'Aww! You guys are so cute!'. I blushed most of the time too.

Thursday was a rough day. The seniors didn't have classes, so most of us ended up at the beach. Which meant it pretty much turned into the official-unofficial, senior-class beach party.

I avoided the booze. So did everyone that had been at the prom party upstairs.

It was fun though, the girls had an impromptu beach volleyball tourney, and for the first time I saw Anna and Kimmy getting along together again, which made me smile a whole lot. The guys of course played touch football. Todd asked me if I wanted to play, I declined, but I was grateful for the offer. I wasn't even the last person asked - not even in the bottom half.

Almost the whole class had shown up, and there were bonfires late into the night. People kept coming up and saying hi to me, or telling Kimmy and I that they had totally voted for us and they hoped we stayed together. Kimmy liked that a lot. I did too I guess. I saw Christina Wu, and she and Alex were dancing where someone had backed their car up, using the radio and speakers like a dj station and dance floor. A bunch of people made the two of us have a 'Brain off', where people fired questions at us and we had to answer as fast as we could. Neither of us won, they ran out of questions. But it was a lot of fun to be able to show off in my own arena.

I never saw Tommy.

It was late, and I knew even though we didn't have school tomorrow, I had a speech I still had to write, so I was thinking about taking off - when Anna came up to me and asked if we could talk.

I glanced over where Kimmy was dancing with Abby and Beth, some kind of crazy version of some music video they liked, and were trying to get the choreography down for.

"Aren't you going to join them?" I asked

She shook her head, "I want to talk to you. Besides Kimmy is happier when I'm not around. I don't want to be in the way."

She sounded so wistful I almost grabbed her hand and pulled her over there to make the two of them make up. But I didn't, instead I just said, "Sure, lets go for a walk." I got up and dusted the sand off my butt and walked off with her. I glanced back to see if Kimmy had noticed. She hadn't.

Probably for the best.

We walked quite a ways down the beach. Far enough away the sound of the music faded against the sound of the surf coming in, and the lights of the bonfires became distant specs.

"Hell of a ride, hasn't it been?" she asked after a while.

"No kidding, I'm still just trying to process it all," I replied.

She nodded. She'd put a skirt and loose shirt on over her bikini against the night chill, but I could still see the emerald green straps around her neck. Her hair was up and piled on the top of her head, and she kept her arms folded under her breasts. She really was very pretty. I can't help it. I notice these things.

"I'm sorry Jack, about everything. About prom, about what happened," she finally blurted out.

"Hey, water under the bridge, okay? It was a drunken, heat of the moment thing," I said. I really didn't want to bring all that up again.

She shook her head, "No it wasn't, I knew exactly what I was doing. I might have been buzzed, but I was no where near as wasted as you and Kimmy. I took advantage of you guys. I feel horrible about it."

I sighed, alright, I guess we were having this conversation after all. I have to admit, I had been curious about it every since Abby had confided Anna's feelings toward me. I thought a lot about it to be honest.

"Why'd you do it then?" I asked, keeping my voice even.

She sighed, "I wanted to be with you." she said simply.

I didn't know what to say to that, so I kept quiet.

She stopped walking away from the party, and I thought we were going to start walking back. But she stopped and stared out at the sea, still hugging herself tightly.

I stood apart from her a little and glanced back the direction we'd come. The bonfires were very small. We'd walked at least a mile or more down the beach.

"Ever think about how things could have been different Jack? Different choices you could have made?" She asked, looking up at me for the first time.

I nodded, "Yeah, all the time actually."

She bit her lip. How can such a simple gesture be totally sexy on every girl that does it?

"I've been thinking about it a lot lately, since prom," she said.

I kept quiet and let her continue.

"I really wish I'd asked you out before Kimmy. When you asked before the party for volunteers, I almost raised my hand. I was really pissed at her actually. Just a week before that I'd confessed to her I had kind of a crush on you."

I still kept quiet. This was no time to interrupt.

"At the party, I thought it was no big deal, I was in fact really happy you had someone that was going to treat you like a date, and not her pet," she sounded bitter, and I knew she was talking about Beth.

She went on, "But it was still hard though. I was jealous, so I started pouring the booze down so I'd stop being jealous of my friends. Oh don't even blame yourself, I knew the choices I was making, I got myself in that mess." she sighed.

"And then, there I was in that room, I had no idea what was going on. Sometimes I thought I was with you, but I kept saying no, because I thought you were with Kimmy, but I was too drunk to stop him, too drunk to fight back. Then I think I passed out."

I swallowed. I'd never heard this from her perspective. It was scary.

"Then I heard you at the door, and I tried to wake up so I could call out to you for help. I was so scared. And then you just broke through the door, God, Jack..." she looked down, I could tell she was on the edge of tears.

I kept quiet still. I was feeling pretty emotional myself.

"God, I was so grateful. I just burst into tears when I saw that you where there, that you'd saved me. As wasted as I was, I pretty much fell for you right then. You were my hero."

Dammit, I was going to lose it. I swallowed hard past the lump in my throat.

She wasn't looking at me anymore, she was looking out over the sea and I could see moonlight glittering off wet streaks on her face. I wanted to hold her. Kiss her tears off her cheeks and protect her.

I held my ground.

"And then... and then you were with Kimmy, and you were so goddamn happy. Like, giddy, all the time. I couldn't take that away from you. She had nothing to do with it. I'd have taken you away from her in a second and stolen all that happiness of yours for myself, but I couldn't do that to you. I was too in love with you. I agonized over it for weeks."

My brain was reeling. I felt myself eyes starting to burn.

"When I found out the two of you were sleeping together - I was torn in two. I was jealous. I was so jealous. I suppose you've probably heard my first time wasn't all that great?"

I nodded, unable to speak.

"I wanted to go back and time and switch places with Kimmy, so I could be with you, and you could be my first, and I could be yours. I couldn't look at the two of you for a week." She was openly weeping now.

I couldn't take it anymore, I reached her over and pulled her into a hug. She crumpled into my arms like tissue paper, burying her face in my chest.

"So, when prom happened, and we were playing spin the bottle, and I got to kiss you for the first time, I completely lost it. I had to have you. My whole plan from that moment on was to get you and Kimmy drunk so that I could do what I did. I couldn't handle it anymore, I wanted - needed to be with you, at least once. I - I love you."

I put my finger under her chin, I lifted her face up and kissed her.

It seemed like the thing to do at the time.

We kissed for a long time, wet, teary kisses, I think we were both crying, though her more than me. They were passionate, needful kisses. I was still with Kim, I loved her. But I felt something for Anna too. She was right here, and she needed me. I gave myself to her and for that moment, I was all hers, and she was mine.

It was a really stupid thing to do it retrospect, but I probably wouldn't do it any differently a second time around.

Anna broke off the kiss first.

"I can't... I can't Jack, I'm sorry!" and hurried off into the night, further down the beach.

I stood there and wondered what the hell to do next.

After a while I sat down and just stared out at the surf. I sat there until dawn actually. It was actually really nice to be alone. I had a lot to sort through.

When the sky started to get gray, and the sea turned to the shade of flagstone, I started thinking about the speech I still hadn't written. I toyed with ideas and openings. Mulled things over; pondering what the hell I could possibly say to over two hundred seniors, their parents, and the faculty of the school that could justify being chosen for the honor of speaking. I started thinking about choices, and roads not taken.

As the sun came up behind me and started reflecting on the now calm ocean, I finally began to feel tired. I knew people were probably wondering where I was. I knew Kimmy was probably freaked out, especially if she realized I had wondered off with Anna and not come back. I walked back to where the party had been and I found a few people crashed out on the beach sleeping it off. There were a few couples that hadn't been couples the night before. I could only smile. Good for them.

I got to my car and it had a note on the windshield, it had "From Kimmy" and a little heart on it. I pulled it out and unfolded it.

"Abby and I went looking for you last night and saw you sitting alone. You looked like you wanted to figure some stuff out, so Abby said we should leave you be. Going to be busy today with my parents, I'll see you tomorrow at graduation, excited for your speech! Love, Kim"

Her name was dotted with a heart like she always did. I smiled, grateful to Abby for getting it; and grateful they assumed I had just wandered off on my own.

I folded the note up and put it in my pocket. Got in my car and drove home.

I still have the note somewhere in a box of my old stuff. I think it's folded up in my senior yearbook.

When I got home, I took a shower, sat down and began to stare at a blank piece of paper. For the rest of the day I could only stare at that empty white canvas as my brain wandered through whys and why nots, could have beens, and the unknowable impact the most casual choices have on our lives.