I Am Jack's Life Ch. 11

"I love you," she said.

I looked back over at her and started to open my mouth, but she put a finger on my lips, "Not yet Jack, you're confused, you wouldn't mean it, whatever you were about to say. I'm patient. I've waited for you for over a year now, I can wait until you figure things out."

I took her hand and kissed her fingers, she smiled. It was a smile I'd never seen on her before.

Then she started to cry.

Talk about confusing signals.

She put her head on my shoulder and sniffled. I just held her, totally unsure about the world. I didn't even know about gravity anymore, and I had been pretty damn sure about that one.

"Sorry," she sniffled after a couple of minutes, "I'm sorry."

"Why?" I asked, "You're just as confused as I am. This whole thing is a mess,"' I said.

She shook her head, "No, I'm not, I know exactly what I want. I've just waited forever to say that out loud to you, and have you not look like you wanted to run and hide." she smiled at me again, even with tears streaking her cheeks, and she leaned over and kissed me again. It was a wet, salty kiss, from the tears.

So, yeah. I was kind of a mess.

We agreed that she would wait for me to figure things out with Kimmy, but that neither of us really wanted to stop what we were doing, so our secret affair was mutually agreed upon to be kept secret, which I thought would help with the guilt; but in fact, only made it ten times worse.

#

My plan was to break up with Kimmy gently at the party.

I'd talk to her about how long distance relationships never work out, and how it wouldn't be fair to either of us; how things were strained enough already between us without 800 miles of distance. We'd hug, and she'd cry, but understand, and then we'd agree how we both wanted to stay friends, like we agreed in the beginning.

I know, I'm a fucking idiot.

I picked Kimmy up for the party at eight, but she'd gotten off work late, so she wasn't ready yet, so I ended up waiting around in her living room for twenty minutes while she ran around, yelling at her mom about curfew times ("Mom, I'm nineteen, I have a job, I'll be home tomorrow!") at her little sister, who was just about to start ninth grade, ("Angie! Where is my green tube top? Quit stealing my clothes you little brat!"), and complaining about her boss for holding her so late, ("Doesn't he know I have a life? This is my boyfriend's last party before he leaves!").

I sat on the couch and helped where I could, her dad sat across from me and watched ESPN's upcoming highlights of the college football season.

"Stanford doesn't look to good this year, your school needs a better quarterback," he said.

"Yeah I guess so sir, they didn't ask my opinion when they recruited him," I smiled. Mr. Allison was a nice guy, he would often pretend to scold me for things I had no control of. I used to sweat it until I learned he was just looking to see how I'd respond. The best way seemed to be with improbable sarcasm. Like Stanford consulting me before recruiting a quarterback.

"Dad," Kimmy said in exasperation as she fumbled with putting one of her large hoop earrings in, "Jack isn't going to Stanford because of the football team, he's not a jock."

"I know that honey, I was just telling him they've got a lousy starter this year," her dad said. I think Mr. Allison's sarcasm was completely lost on his daughters most of the time.

"Well then stop bothering him about it!" she exclaimed and disappeared back down the hall to her room.

He gave me a look, I just waved him off a little, a subtle signal that I got the joke and hadn't minded. He gave me a little smirk and went back to watching the highlight clips.

Kimmy got in another fight with her little sister. Two months ago, I might have intervened. Her little sister liked me, I think she might have even had a crush on me, which had been cute when she was in middle school. Tonight, I sat on the couch and waited to break up with her older sister.

"Finally, lets go," Kimmy came out in a huff.

I stood up and said goodbye to her father. I opened the front door for Kimmy and she shouted at her mother once more that she'd be back tomorrow.

I opened the car door for her.

She got in, then I went around and got in and we drove out of her drive way and down the street without me saying a word. She finished putting her make up on using the passenger side visor mirror.

She talked about how much work had sucked that day, how much she hated her boss and what a creep he was. She complained about her little sister, she complained about her mom. I sat and concentrated on driving.

After a while she said, "Hey Jack, stop."

I looked over at her to see what she meant.

"Stop the car a minute, okay? Please?" she said. She used her soft voice that she saved for me.

I pulled over to the side of the road and turned to look at her.

She gave a heavy sigh, "I'm sorry, this is not what you want to be listening to on the way to your birthday party."

"You've had a rough day, don't worry about it," I smiled at her. She smiled back. She was very pretty, her make up highlighted her large blue eyes in a way that made her appear ethereal and pixie-cute.

"Just get it all out of your system before we get there and we'll call it even okay?" I grinned.

She giggled and made a silly face like she was going insane. It was old Kimmy for a second. The silly cute goofball I'd fallen for. I grinned.

I was going to break up with her tonight.

I looked away before she could see my face fall.

"Lets go baby," she said, and leaned over to kiss my cheek.

God I felt like such a fucking asshole.

#

It had not gone as well as I'd hoped.

I touched my cheek where Kimmy had just slapped me. Kimmy had an arm; I'd seen stars a second. I felt my jaw line to make sure it was still attached.

"You cold fucking bastard," she said. People were staring at us now.

"Kimmy, can we go outside?" I suggested, reaching for her arm. She jerked it away, she was starting to cry; they were angry tears.

We'd been slow dancing, and I had started in on my speech about how I was going away, and had just gotten to the "better for both of us" part. When she'd pushed me away. I'd even told her we could still be friends, like we talked about back in the beginning.

Then she slapped me.

"You cold fucking bastard," she said.

"Kimmy, can we go outside?" I suggested.

"No! I'm not going anywhere with you apparently!" She shouted.

Yup, we had everyone's attention.

"Kimmy..." I pleaded. This is not what I wanted.

"Better for both of us? You asshole! Better for you, you mean, so you can hook up with whoever you want without caring about me!" Her voice was shrill. Not angry; shrill.

I started to say something else and she shouted me down, "No, just, shut up!" she was crying now, the last part came out as a sob.

"You're breaking up with me on your birthday?" her voice twisted into heartbreak.

My insides turned to boils and locusts, devouring and plaguing everything that was good inside of me. I was dirt. I was worse than dirt. I was dumpster trash; rotten cottage cheese.

She wasn't done with me yet though.

"You know what asshole? I'd just been about to tell you I'd saved up enough money to move to San Francisco with you! I worked that stupid job, at that stupid place for you! For us! So we could stay together!" her words were strangled sobs.

Someone had stopped the music, so we were the show now. Gee thanks.

Abby and Beth had stepped over to her now, Beth tried to take Kimmy's hand, but she pushed Beth's hands away.

"Kimmy," Beth said, trying to salvage things.

Anna came up to stand next to me.

I wish she hadn't done that.

"Its her isn't it! You're just going off to be with her, at your stupid fancy college, Big man on campus!"

I dunno why, maybe it's reflex at that point. Your instincts are to go on the offensive when someone is dragging your heart through slime. Doesn't matter if you're the one who coated the floor in the slime.

"Leave her out of this," I said firmly.

"Fuck you! You've been wanting to stick your thing back inside her ever since prom!"

There was a few hisses from the peanut galley.

I felt like she'd splashed ice cold acid on me.

I think Abby decided it had gone on long enough at this point, "Kimmy, lets take this some place else." she said, and took Kimmy's arm.

Kimmy pushed her away too, "Fuck you bitch, you're leaving too!"

Abby did not respond as well as she might have. For all of her caretaker instincts, no one likes being called a bitch.

"Oh grow up, Kimberly!" she said in a pretty good mom voice, or at least an older sister. "We can't be responsible for your feelings when we're just moving forward with our lives. Now I think you need to go! Cool off!" Abby pushed her a little toward the door.

Kimmy just sobbed and doubled over like someone had punched her in the guts.

I think that had been me actually.

Beth took Kimmy's hand, with a last look at the three of us, she pulled Kimmy out to the front door, putting her arm around her and helping her while Kimmy was wracked with sobs.

Good job Jack, you broke her heart.

Way to go James, motherfucking, Bond.

There is nothing anyone could possibly say to me to make me feel better about that night, not then, not twenty years later.